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Newest Member: Goku06

General :
So happy to be dating a new man!

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annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

R and K are both bad news, both losers.

Stop communicating with them.

Both should be out of your life. WHY would you still communicate with a MARRIED CRIMINAL? WHY would you still communicate with LOSER R who uses you?

You need therapy. Please seek one out.

posts: 11608   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8754959
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 8:29 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Yes, it is wrong that you’re sad about the outcome of everything….he had potential and is so handsome? You’re polite and friendly when he does contact you???

You are talking about someone else’s husband…you realize this, right?

SOMEONE ELSE’S HUSBAND.

What you should be is pissed the hell off! Instead you’re wallowing in self pity. Unbelievable!

I find your posts in this thread absolutely disturbing and triggering AF. Are you sure SI is the site for you?

There is one victim here and that is his BW. She deserves to know what a fuckhead she’s married to. Obviously you won’t burst your bubble and tell her but hopefully your friend does because she seems to be the only one in this shitfest that sees this loser clearly for what he really is….a lying, cheating, low life, criminal, waste of space.

Therapy. Like, yesterday.

And yeah, the racist comments…?? What was that about?

[This message edited by yellowledbetter at 8:31 PM, Monday, September 12th]

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 122   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8754961
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 9:19 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

If she is a black educator (as am I) then teaching to an mostly white classroom brings a different set of challenges and greatly impacts mental health.

There is study after study after study of the microaggressions, institutional racism, etc that black educators, specifically black female educators face in classrooms filled with students that do not look like them. These studies also point out the barriers, unrealistic expectations and inability to be supported by administration that plagues educators of color.

While I won't speak to other aspects of OP's post I do want to share that in (educational settings) what she describes, if she is an educator of the color, is not "playing victim" nor is it "racist". It is something we deal with that adversely effects our mental health.

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8754962
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 9:33 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Thanks Prissy4lyfe…appreciate your input. I also worked in education for many years and although I hope the comments that were made were implying what you’ve described, I definitely didn’t read it that way.

There’s a lot to unpack here, that’s for sure…

[This message edited by yellowledbetter at 9:43 PM, Monday, September 12th]

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 122   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8754963
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

By your own admission, classroom management has been a performance problem for you for a long time. Why did you not try and get some help or find some resources over the summer for this?

And you are participating in another marriage--in what alternate universe is this okay? Go no-contact, block him by every possible means, get some help with classroom management and time management and get into IC to work on your victim mentality. It is REALLY holding you back in multiple places.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33108   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8754964
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nutmegkitty ( member #33882) posted at 10:46 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

TJG, have you read anything anyone has written here? You do not seem to grasp the magnitude of your situation. Like, at all.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4399   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8754967
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Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 12:45 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

If she is a black educator (as am I) then teaching to an mostly white classroom brings a different set of challenges and greatly impacts mental health.

I interpreted what was said completely differently, she actually said the school, like her own neighbourhood, is in a mostly white district and it's the pupils from elsewhere that are the problem!

posts: 961   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8754982
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

That's not how I read it but if that's the case I hope that she evaluates all aspects of herself and moves forward in a healthy way.

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8754990
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 5:55 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I read it like Carissima did….that it’s a mostly white school in a mostly white part of town, but they bus in "other" kids and "those kids" are out of control. Whole lot of yikes, there….😬

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6388   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8755067
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:02 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Doesn't sound like the "white" kids at her old school were all that great either, seeing as how they pushed boundaries more than usual with otherwise well behaved kids.

TJG, I don't think your problem is the kids. Kids change all the time. If your classroom is lousy in terms of discipline, it is because you CHOOSE to apply poor discipline. Either you can check out the last 5 years and ride it out (stop caring) or you can go all out and raise hell in the class room and actually DO YOUR JOB and enforce discipline.

The kids aren't the problem, YOU ARE.

The men in your life aren't the problem, YOU ARE.

The shitty behavior of your brother isn't the problem, YOU ARE.

The only friend you have, I can honestly question whether you truly deserve her or not. She has been nothing but encouraging, protective and caring of you. You have taken advantage of her repeatedly, bitched and moaned that she had the AUDACITY to STICK UP FOR HER FRIEND SO SHE DIDN'T END UP FUCKING A CHEATING LYING CRIMINAL.

Have you ever looked up vulnerable narcissism? Your posts have been checking the boxes ALOT lately. Dr. Grande on youtube and Dr. Ramani both have lots of informative content on this.

I'm coming off bitchy because you're triggering me. I feel like you're taking everyone on this forum for a ride and milking all of us for your own needs for time and attention. If you really gave a single shit about your situation, you would be changing YOURSELF.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 839   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8755087
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

^^^THIS^^^

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8755093
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 11:53 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Totally agree with MIgander, you haven’t followed any of the advice given to you, other than investigating this POS. But then you didn’t like the outcome, came here to complain that it’s not fair. You ignored everyone’s advice to ghost the guy, tell him to fuck all the way off, instead you were looking for a justification to carry on an A with a married criminal. You are not going to get it here, you are triggering the shit out of everyone.

Please drop victim mentally, drop this asshole, and take control of your life!!!!

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8755139
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 teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 8:11 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Hello, and I hope everyone is still doing well. I apologize for taking so long to respond back. Work has been nonstop busy, and I've already pulled two all-nighters this week alone (and yes, I know it's only Wednesday...barely...we're still in the wee hours of the morning). I have now had a chance to read over all of your replies. I will admit some of it was hurtful. Other responses I feel have me confused, as there might be a misunderstanding. I suppose some of that is my fault because maybe I didn't explain things enough to give a clear understanding. But I will say that overall I am thankful I have a safe space to write and vent. I feel like I never have a chance to do that in my regular life for the most part. I definitely can't vent about anything at work, as I have no friends at my new school, being new and also being kept extremely busy. It also seems that a lot of the staff members are buddy-buddy with each other, evident at last week's all-day PD trainings. Many of them have already been working with each other for years now, some even know each other from working together at other schools. I also feel that on top of being new, I'm already ostracized somewhat because of how noisy my classes have been. I feel like the outcast teacher in a way. No one has made an effort to do much of anything to include me or invite me to group outings the way staff did when I started at my previous school over 20 years ago. The ambiance is just different, colder. My brother is still very cold toward me too. His wife converses with me on occasion though so that's nice. My colleague friend from my previous school has still been talking to me too which is nice. She's literally my only offline friend these days it seems. In a way I consider many of you from this website like friends too, I hope that doesn't sound weird saying that?, because I can write and express my feelings here. Yes, some of the feedback has hit a chord but I will admit it isn't anything different than my former colleague friend has told me at some point or another.

As for my dating life and sex life, I haven't been seeing K anymore. Obviously I had concerns about him being married and having a past criminal record. But it also seems that he stopped contacting me before I had a chance to decide on my own about him. I haven't tried to reach out to him. It seems that my friend contacting him got him thinking I was too much drama for him. Meanwhile, she still rehashes things and brings him up on occasion, still, a month later. She will find hurtful ways to inject comments randomly into conversation such as, "Yes, you're right, you DO have low self esteem. For example, the way you kept pining after that busted-looking married criminal K?" She's also rehashed the last time he visited me, right around the time of the whole dramatic fallout, when he stopped by my house impromptu early one morning, seduced me, literally put it in for one pump before immediately pulling it out, jumping up, and saying with a smirk, "Ha that's all you get" before walking right out the door. She said I have no self respect to have still answered his phone calls after that. She mocked me by saying I probably waited around all day at home, at sacrifice of doing things I enjoy like going swimming at the gym, waiting for him to come back and "finish". She also keeps rehashing this one texting faux pas I accidentally made involving her a few weeks ago.
At times I question if she's actually trying to help me or just talking to me to mock me. I question at times if she still really wants to be friends. But then again I also feel I should be thankful she is still there and willing to talk to me on nearly a daily basis. It's not like anybody else does that for me. So I should be grateful, and for the most part I am.

As for my job and perceived race issues, yes I am white. I live in a neighborhood that is mostly white but has a mix of different backgrounds too. It is a neighborhood technically in the city, in the direction toward the suburbs. I will say I'm not racist, so it was admittedly hurtful to read that people might think I am. I've worked in predominantly black schools in predominantly black neighborhoods, like reported as 97% African American, in the past before the last two schools I've been at. I got along well with the students and they also admired my taste in music, which consisted of a lot of R&B and popular hip hop. If anything, I feel like my classroom management and rapport with students has been on a decline in recent years and decades. Many other teachers have expressed the same, and even teachers I haven't been on super friendly terms with have told me at PD meetings and such that it's not me, or us, but the fact that kids just aren't as disciplined at home nearly as much these days as they were in previous generations. Even long-time veteran teachers have said this too. It doesn't help that administrators and districts have drastically amped up the workload, class size capacities, and paperwork for teachers too. That definitely robs us of valuable time that could be used for other things that might do more to help engage students or manage students. I do the best I can. I've already been investing pretty much ALL of my spare time into this job, even though it's been extremely thankless so far. As for having students of other races...yes, I will admit that it seems that more often they treat me with less respect. I feel like they see me as not being one of them, not being tough enough or something. I hope that doesn't sound racist. I've vented to my brother about this in the past, even when I was at my other school, and he did accuse me of sounding racist. What does he know about racism...he doesn't even interact with anyone outside of his race. (Just another example of him talking but not doing) Also, last year when that particularly disruptive, very disrespectful girl was in my class, (she happens to be black--literally shares the same first and last name as a famous black celebrity wife/ex-wife, but the first name is spelled differently, with an unusual spelling; my former colleague friend had a great laugh about the name coincidence) her mother sent that nasty email to the dean and principal, CCing me, and falsely accused me of being racist while outright lying by saying that I told her daughter she was "cut from a different bread". I never said that! But I do believe the possibility that perhaps her daughter told her that, as a false excuse for why she cursed and yelled at me the way she did when I told her she was losing points on her grade for not having her work turned in. That right there is an example of how people seem to reverse racially profile me. Does that make me racist? I hope not, I don't think I am. I've always been what I consider to be super nice to these students, while still trying to enforce rules, a consistent lesson structure, and enough assignments to keep them busy, yet they still seem to constantly talk over me and never respect me. I don't know what it is I'm lacking. Maybe teaching isn't for me. I realize that now. But it's obviously far too late to get out of it now. I have less than five years until retirement. I NEED to push through so I can get my pension that I've worked so hard for and have been anxiously anticipating.

I guess what I'm really sad about isn't that "someone's husband" has stopped talking to me or seeing me, more just sad that when I finally have the guts and the opportunity to try to move on and meet someone new, it ends up being such a disastrous situation that I never saw coming at the beginning. I feel like every time I try to make changes to my unsatisfying life, as everyone on here and in real life keeps telling me to do, I just end up in an even worse situation. My job, my dating life, and more. Every time I make a change, it blows up in my face. Yet people wonder why I prefer to keep things consistently the same. At least when I keep things the same, I have stability and familiarity. It might not make me happy, but at least I know it won't make me insanely miserable. Right now I am insanely miserable. This is literally the first time in WEEKS I've even used my computer for something other than work. I never even have time to shop at the nearby outlet mall on weekends. Every. Single. Minute. Is spent. Doing work. Yet I seem to have nothing to show for it. The kids talk over me, never listen, never let me teach, and one of the vice principals came by for an impromptu unannounced informal observation the other week and gave me low ratings, telling me I really need to improve my classroom management. All of my time spent on this job, with nothing to show. All of my spare money spent on reams of paper for all the worksheets and all the emergency lesson plan copies I'm required to make. This sucks. I thought my last job sucked, but this one is literally 5x worse. Then I have what's probably my only friend left these days, when she's not mocking my choices or the guys I've dated, she's guilt tripping me for not going out with her to the bars. She claims she has nobody able to go with her, and that I'm supposed to have all this extra free time just because I don't have kids or a husband. But I don't! I thought she of all people would be able to empathize because she also used to stay late at work and spend loads of off-work time doing work for our job, but it seems even she can't relate anymore. She quit teaching at the end of last school year and is now working an office temp job with set 9-5 hours and no take-home work. Also, the workload we both had at our previous school isn't nearly as much as what I have to deal with now. I mean, she tries to relate and empathize, but she doesn't realize nearly the extent of immense workload I have. Also, what if I go to a bar with her and I do end up lucking up and attracting a man, and the man turns out to be even worse than K was?

posts: 180   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2019
id 8756317
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:55 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

TJG,

I feel your loneliness and pain.

I wish I had advice for you but I don’t.

Is there any opportunity to get some coaching in classroom management skills?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12495   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756323
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 teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 11:27 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Hi The First Wife,

Actually, I've done that many times and it's never really done much of any help for me.

One of the people on this site kept telling me to take classes this summer in classroom management to "spruce up" my teaching skills or job skills or something, and I actually did take a few Zoom webinars in classroom management. I've been taking PD courses every summer, in fact, because we are required to clock a certain number of PD hours or college coursework in order to keep our certificates current. Years ago when I got formally written up for poor classroom management, following an unsatisfactory on a formal evaluation, I was required to receive a coach/mentor from the school district and to enroll in a rigorous, time-consuming 4-week classroom management training program during my after school and weekend hours. I completed the course successfully with a grade of A+ on all of the written assignments, journal entries, and mastery post-test that we were required to complete in order to receive credit for completing the program. I should mention that most of the classroom management courses are taught in a classroom format, which is more conceptual and theoretical, not really methods-based for using in a teaching practice. There were a few good looking teaching practices that looked like they would work, and I did take note of those during each classroom management-related training. Yet when I tried applying those practices in my classroom, it backfired in my face. Students just don't take me seriously at all. There's also things I'm just not capable of doing, such as screaming and shouting over them to the point that it scares students silent the way some teachers at my previous school did, which sounds really bad but seems to work for them. (Yes, the two teachers who were voted "loudest teachers" in the superlative section of the high school yearbook last year were also the teachers that everyone talked about as having the best control of the class...funny how that works out) I feel like nothing I do ever works, just wastes my time.

[This message edited by teacherjoggergal at 11:29 AM, Wednesday, September 21st]

posts: 180   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2019
id 8756325
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 2:45 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

No one has made an effort to do much of anything to include me or invite me to group outings the way staff did when I started at my previous school over 20 years ago.

Why don't you bake a loaf of banana bread or something similar and bring it in for the breakroom? It would break the ice and give you all something to chat about. Sometimes you have to be the person that makes the first move.

Obviously I had concerns about him being married and having a past criminal record. But it also seems that he stopped contacting me before I had a chance to decide on my own about him.

What was there to decide. He is M-A-R-R-I=E-D. He is also a C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L. Are you so desperate that these things are something you need to think more than 2 seconds about? I worry about that. You should, too.

If you've taken so many PD sessions in classroom management, what, specifically, isn't working? Like so many other things in your life, you've determined you are powerless and so you then become the victim instead of someone who is in control of their destiny. WHY do you cling to this victimhood? What does it get you?

Until you shed the victim mentality, you will continue to struggle. When the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of change, perhaps you will move the dial and get some IC to help you in ALL areas of your life.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33108   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8756345
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Catwoman is spot on.

You mentioned "what if you meet someone in a bar and he ends up worse than the last guy?". Might I suggest (order you!!) to stop dating. Period. Full stop. You are an abuser/predator's dream right now. You have zero self-worth. You have zero boundaries. Do. Not. Date. Your store is closed. No customers allowed. Lock the doors, batten down the hatches, and focus on YOU. Please please get an IC and work on you. You ARE WORTH IT.

You are a whole person, without a partner. There is no need to couple up. The person you should be falling in love with is yourself. Get to know yourself. Go for long walks. Take little day trips. A weekend trip. A week-long trip. Alone. Open your heart to yourself. Be cordial with strangers, but do not flirt. Do not reciprocate come ons. Practice saying "I'm flattered, but I'm not available." No explanation necessary. I really hope for the best for you! You deserve to be treated well. But it won't happen until you treat yourself well.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:04 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4415   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8756347
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 3:57 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

From the educator side of things...

I'm a little annoyed. I stood up for you. Sigh.

Children are no more less or less disciplined that in previous years. It's a cop out on your end.
Children smell fear and insecurity. And you reek of it. And it sounds like you work with teenagers...so add on hormones, arrogance and a sense of fearlessness and you have EVERY teenager that has EVER walked the face of the earth. Nothing new about that

If you are questioning if you are a racist then I would suggest you read up on being an ANTI-racist classroom leader. Its not enough to NOT be "racist" as most educational structures in themselves are inherently racist at worst and disregard culture and diverse experience at best. You have been called out by your student, your brother and internet strangers.

You don't seem to be doing the REAL work needed to improve yourself and are waiting for the world to see how "awesome" you are and come to you. That's not how it works.

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8756359
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Have you considered that your negativity may be getting in the way of your success? You approach everything with the assumption that it will be awful and you are doomed to fail.

You hated the old school, and all of your comments about a new position were about choosing the least miserable from the list of miserable options. You hated the new school before you ever set foot in it. You came here originally to complain about the treatment of you by Richard (aka Dick), as anyone who is treated that badly should. But as bad as he is he was the least miserable of an imagined list of miserable potential new men. Even when you finally did go to the beach house, it was still miserable because Dick hardly spent any time with you. Your students were miserable at the old school and these are even more miserable. The work load is miserable but you never seem to explain why you work the longest hours in any school you are at.

Do you realize that people can see that negativity? How do you feel when you meet someone and they size you up and make you feel like you're not good enough? Has it occurred to you that your predetermination of how miserable this school, and everyone in it, is makes no one want to react positively to you? Why would they want to cooperate with you or befriend someone who clearly makes them feel like trash? Young minds in particularly can sense that in an instant.

I have a sister who is extremely negative. She will find things to complain about no matter how wonderful her life is. She hasn't had to work in over 35 years. She travels all over the world with her husband on his company's dime when he travels for business. She lives in an incredible historic home on a bluff and yet she complains that it's her guided cage, and that she has to straighten up before the cleaning lady comes. She'll complain about these things to people who go to work everyday, do all their own housework, could only dream of living in her house or travel the world and she wants them to feel sorry for her.

I put up with it for years, because we are extremely close. I'd actually try and fix some of her issues even though I'm single, was a single mom, worked full time and own, clean and maintain my own house. One day I had enough and I told her off. She didn't talk to me for almost two years. We ultimately reconciled, and now she actively works at approaching things with a positive attitude. It has made a huge difference in how she is perceived.

Its just something to think about.

posts: 1638   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756373
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:36 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

You aren't happy with how you feel. It must be very hard to live this way, feeling like everyone's against you. You must feel incredibly powerless. I'm going to agree with everyone who has suggested therapy. There's a reason that you feel this way. It would be a huge gift to yourself to try and make your life better. If you had chronic pain in an ankle, you'd have it checked out, right? This is chronic pain in your brain. You owe it to yourself to get it checked out. There are therapies for all manner of things that you may be suffering from. You aren't crazy, but your brain is not being kind to you. Something is skewing your perspective deeply to the negative. You don't deserve to suffer like this. It doesn't get better on it's own. This is stuff you have to address so that you do have the opportunity to find peace, happiness and confidence. No school or job or man or friend right now is going to make you happy. The state of your mind will take good things and make them seem miserable. Don't stay trapped in this.

A healthier version of you would not give a loser man the time of day. That version would have more job success and more friends. You wouldn't feel so tired all of the time. Seeking help for feeling like you do is no more shameful than seeking help because you have a physical injury. Plenty of us here have spent quality time in therapy.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5051   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8756399
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