teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 3:24 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
Hi, the comments admittedly hurt but maybe I needed to hear it. I am helping my brother later this morning with something but I will tell you more details later on. I am still reeling over the discoveries. I brought up the marriage stuff to him yesterday evening when he stopped by as planned, and of course he doubled down and made excuses. He said he has been trying to leave the marriage for several years now, then said he's not happy at all in the marriage, etc. I did tell him "but you look pretty happy in those pics she posted on her Facebook of you two together." (I don't have any social media except a LinkedIn I made earlier this summer for jobsearching, but my investigator friend sent me screenshots from the wife's Facebook page) Of course he stammered and made excuses. He kept trying to change the subject. I don't know what to do at this point, how to respond. I am still in a state of stun and shock. I can't even think clearly. I feel so foolish and also a little hurt. It feels kind of like I've been betrayed too, even though I'm not even the wife. I hope that doesn't sound crass or insensitive.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:52 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
I don't know what to do at this point, how to respond.
Seriously? The GUY IS A LYING CHEATING MARRIED CRIMINAL PREDATOR.
Why are you even engaging with him? That's it. Relationship over. No discussions. No excuses. The end.
Please seek out therapy for yourself. Just questioning what your next step should be is extremely troubling. You are the other woman in this relationship. The affair partner.
[This message edited by annb at 4:20 PM, Saturday, August 27th]
Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:07 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
Any further contact with this predator makes you a willing AP. Now that you know he’s a married violent criminal you cannot have anymore contact with him.
Please get past all bullshit he has told you and see him for what he is. You need to be damn pissed off at this guy.
As bad as I want to advise you to expose him, it’s not a good idea, your safety takes priority over everything. Please ghost him!!! Like yesterday.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:14 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
He seriously just told you exactly what every cheating husband tells the OW.
Were you intimate with him last night?
Be clear..you were betrayed. He made you an unknowing OW. Anything that happens between the two of you,after finding out He was married,makes you a willing OW.
He stopped by " as planned." Why did you open the door?
[This message edited by HellFire at 4:16 PM, Saturday, August 27th]
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 5:32 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
I don't know what to do at this point, how to respond. I am still in a state of stun and shock. I can't even think clearly.
You keep using this type of phrasing, and (having had similar issues as you in my life) I know you really mean, "I don't know how to find a way to make this acceptable so I can continue to see him, but I'm trying."
You have never, that I've ever seen or read here, had good boundaries in any relationship in your life. You have a history of accepting crumbs and poor treatment, and that is what you are doing now (and why you let him in to "explain" last night).
Do you know what loving yourself with good boundaries actually looks like, TJG? It looks like, "I am having some issues and don't think it will be appropriate to keep seeing each other. Take care, new guy." [Shuts door. Leaves it at that. Goes dark. No longer speaks to him.]
He lied to you. You owe him nothing. You don't need to be nice to people who lie to you so stop it.
You keep saying you don't need IC, all while having the most messed up relationships in every area of your life. Girl, IC was made for you! I don't care how you were raised by old fashioned, deceased parents--they were just wrong! Please accept that.
You are about to participate in a love triange. This man who does not care one bit about you is putting you there. Will his wife contact your job and get you fired or try? Beat you to a bloody pulp? Blow up your reputation online where everyone will read about you? Who knows, but you were warned.
IC will help you find real love, not these abusive relationships that you were clearly trained (aka "raised") to tolerate. (Your brother is horrible.) You do not even know abuse when you are looking it straight in the eye. It's so very sad to me because I see how my life would have looked if I hadn't found the guts to leave my comfort zone and go to IC. Your life does not have to look like this. IC is your ticket out of these bad relationships.
If you have any future contact with this guy, you will be the OW and an active cheater. Active cheaters and current affair partners are not allowed on this website, so you will be asked to leave. I hope you find the strength to choose wisely.
me: BS/WSh: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:35 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
"Long story short she found out he is in fact still married, and also has quite a long rap sheet of prior convictions for assault and fight-related stuff. She also found some theft related convictions too."
You are now engaging with a convicted violent criminal.
He is married.
He hurts people.
You are playing with fire and willingly becoming an OW.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 6:47 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022
It's not insensitive to feel betrayed. You thought you had something with this man, and he lied to get what he wanted from you. You have every right to be hurt. But it was foolish, and worse than foolish, to let him back in last night.
You've said repeatedly that you need your job and pension in order to retire. You've talked about how hard it is to keep discipline in the classroom. Imagine his wife catches him with you. Imagine she tells your employer. Imagine she posts it publicly, so that your students walk into the classroom knowing their new teacher has been screwing a married man. Imagine explaining to the union rep that the reason they're trying to fire you, the reason your students are openly jeering in every class, is that the wife you helped betray is broadcasting your name. Meanwhile, he'll have ghosted and blocked you while he scrambles to convince his wife that you mean nothing.
You are risking everything here. Don't give in to wayward thinking and lie to yourself. There is no option but permanent NC. None.
teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 2:47 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
I am so sorry if I offended or hurt anyone. I definitely would not want to be an "OW". Perhaps those of you who said I become the OW are right, and looking back, I guess that is what I unwillingly, unsuspectingly became. I don't want that. I still remember how hurt my sister-in-law was after she found out about my brother's affair years back. They have successfully reconciled and are still together raising their two kids (now teenagers), but for a while she kept saying how she could leave at any time if he doesn't give her exactly everything she wants. I definitely do not want to be an OW!
The reason I let him in was because he was already there, and I wasn't going to just be rude. I wanted to at least give the politeness and get him to answer my questions. Also, I admit I am still heartbroken over this and have nowhere and no one to turn to. It's not like I have supportive people in my life. I didn't see him yesterday at all but he has tried to call and text a few times since. He is starting to remind me of what R used to do, call and call and call again if I don't answer. My friend who sent me all the evidence has some mean ideas for getting him to go away but I don't know if being nasty is the best way to handle this.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:12 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
You didn't want to be rude??
Ok. This is going to hurt,but it needs to be said,and you need to hear it...
This man doesn't care about you. He lied to you. He used you for sex. He saw your vulnerabilities,and he preyed upon you. HE IS ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!!
He keeps calling? Because you clearly gave him reason to believe he could. Did you kiss him? Were you intimate with him the last time you saw him?
You're on this site. You see how people feel about the OW..the AP. And you have become that,because you didn't want to be rude?
What you should do is be kind to his wife. The woman who is the victim here. You starred out as a victim, but then you wanted to be nice and polite,and invited another woman's husband into your home.
It will be very easy to get him to leave you alone. The next time he calls,tell him he isn't to contact you again, or you will tell his wife. That's it. You won't hear from him again.
At this point,you aren't a victim. Not since you invited him in knowing he is a married man. Now you are a volunteer. Now you are the OW.
Stop. Tell him to stay away. That's not rude. That's you FINALLY standing up for yourself, and refusing to be some asshole's doormat.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
I don't know if being nasty is the best way to handle this
This guy lied to you repeatedly and you want to be Mr. Nice Guy? He's married! I repeat, he's married and you let him in to explain? There's no explanation. He's married.
All you need to do is ghost him. He will get the message. He's married. Period.
IF you need to communicate, text him and tell him you do not date married men. That's it. Nothing else needs to be said. He should get the message. Then block him from everything. Actually, you should have blocked him already. WHY is he still able to call or message you?
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 4:23 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
Also, I admit I am still heartbroken over this and have nowhere and no one to turn to.
I have a theory that I've developed since being on SI.
Those who feel heartbreak rather than fury after being cheated on or abused in some way are attracting cruel partners; they are pulling hurtful people towards them and even marrying them.
Their protective instinct is missing.
Is it low self-esteem? Relational codependency? Parental mistreatment? Regardless.
Their personalities need correcting in IC, and until that happens, they will continue to attract people who take advantage of them. Even if they D, they'll attract another abuser. They wear their emotional need for love on their sleeve for all the savvy, manipulative types to easily see, like a big ol' Welcome mat. They do not have self-protective instincts that will naturally uphold firm boundaries, and instead they feel victimized and unlovable when abused and crave the only remedy they can fathom--love from this other person.
They cannot love themselves as a remedy. That's what needs to be fixed in IC. Only winning and keeping the love lost due to the cheating and abuse will feel satisfying to them.
Teacherjoggergal, you are proving my theory, and it is making me so sad. I know that I can't help you because you don't want to change. And so you are feeling unlovable and "heartbroken" instead of angry, like many others here on SI staying in bad relationships, chasing that elusive "please love me" remedy. They are chasing it because of their own brokenness, but they cannot see it and don't want to.
I have no doubt that you are fantasizing that this guy will D his W to be with you and blah, blah, blah. The only remedy you want to hear about is the one where this guy loves you, not the one where you HATE him and want nothing to do with him. Your desperate need for external love can only be solved by learning to love and be satisfied with yourself, yet you will not go to IC and fill that empty hole. So you badly want New Guy to do it.
I just don't know how anyone can help you when you refuse to work on your faulty instincts. And so this nightmare is likely only going to get worse.
Why does it matter that New Guy is "calling and calling"? Because it gives you hope that he cares and will change. Ugh. He. Is. Not. The. Answer. To. Your. Emptiness.
Go to IC.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:28 PM, Sunday, August 28th]
me: BS/WSh: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:26 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
You are starting to think and act in a wayward mindset. You are trying to justify continuing to see him "don’t want to be rude" "giving politeness". These are wayward excuses and justifications.
Second point, you are putting him in a fantasy role. Looking past the all the red flags, and making him Prince Charming in your fantasy view.
YOU need to clear the fog and see this POS for exactly what he is. Where do you really see this going? You want a guy that is a criminal, liar, cheater, trolling the park for victims? Please wake up from this nightmare and tell him to Fuck Off!!!
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 7:26 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
When you first posted, I wanted to wish you well, but the combination of him first approaching you from his car when you were jogging and the canceling plans raised some hesitation that I see now was well founded.
At the risk of all of us sounding like a broken record, I’ll say exactly what other posters are saying. Ghost this guy. Block his number. Get a giant deadbolt and a security camera. He’s a MARRIED CRIMINAL. This is a terrible experience and I’m sorry you are going through it, but there’s a bright side: this isn’t complicated in the least, and there is no reason whatsoever to overthink it. The best course of action is clear and certain. Get TF away from him and make sure he stays TF away from you.
And then get into therapy.
Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling
teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 8:55 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
Well...it looks like he's not going to want anything to do with me anymore anyway, without me doing anything on my end. It turns out my friend (same one who offered and did the investigating for me) called him today and told him off, making some goofy Star Wars reference while telling K to leave me alone. I've had to hear her ranting all about it to me for most of the afternoon. She's mad because K called her back and threatened her, and in response she got into a yelling argument with him over the phone, and it seems that led to her husband taking the phone and engaging in an all-out yelling match with K on the phone too. She's been ranting all about how she doesn't want K to show up at her house, how she's saving his voice-mail threat to her, etc.
To clarify, I did not put her up to this or encourage her to contact him. She did this all on her own. Now I hope he doesn't retaliate on me or my property as a result.
Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 9:07 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
Wow. You sound so annoyed with her. And I hope I'm wrong, but you actually sound disappointed that you won't hear from K again. This friend researched K out of a concern for you, with your permission I might add. She gave you a heads up in an effort to save you from a world of hurt. She told him off because she cares about you and wanted to save you from him endlessly trying to woo you into a dead end situation. How dare she.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:19 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
You should be thanking your VERY GOOD friend. She clearly has a problem with adultery, and wasn't going to allow it to continue.
This violent criminal has threatened her. For trying to protect you. And all you can say is that you hope he doesn't show up at your house.
You need IC. You need to learn personal boundaries. You need to learn to respect yourself. And you need to be a better friend.
[This message edited by HellFire at 9:20 PM, Sunday, August 28th]
annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:21 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
K did what you should have done. Sent him packing.
Instead you left the door wide open.
She's mad because K called her back and threatened her
^^ This is the guy you let into your apartment on Friday night knowing full well he's a married CRIMINAL.
This guy is a violent. I pray he doesn’t hurt your friend or you or anyone else.
I hope she gets a restraining order against him.
Another member here who thinks you desperately need therapy. You seem to accept the teeny tiny crumbs someone is willing to give you.
[This message edited by annb at 9:36 PM, Sunday, August 28th]
teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 10:11 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
I understand my friend was trying to help. I did give her my consent to look him up online, such as telling her his first and last name and the approximate street he told me he lives on, but I did not tell her to contact him. That's the part I am admittedly annoyed about, that she phoned him. Not only did she call him this morning, but she put on dramatics and the kind of jokes I could see maybe our high school students doing, but not a married mother of 2 in her 30s. When she called him, according to K and herself, she literally started heavy breathing while saying in a deep Darth Vader voice "K, I am her daughter" then telling K that he better stay away from "mom" aka me because she knows all about him being a married ex-con or else he'll be sorry. He responded by calling her bluff, clapping back that I had already told him previously I have no kids. He then called me to report that someone was calling him from a disposable Text Now number claiming she was my daughter and that it's her job to protect me. However, she is definitely not my daughter. I'm not sure why she pretended to be a daughter that I never got to have, as she's only 18 years younger than me anyway. I wonder if she thinks this whole thing is some kind of joke or soap opera to her. Later in the day when K and this friend's husband were arguing, my friend was instigating in the background by yelling "catch me outside how bout that!" I know all this because both she and K have been phoning me seemingly nonstop all afternoon, ranting about the other person while reporting back he said she said.
Sigh, and to think I start work tomorrow morning. It's a huge day that I have been stressed about all summer. I don't know what to expect with the students other than a few staff members advising me to brace myself because they've had problems with student behavior increase in recent years. I am petrified! And now all this drama to add to it. Look, I know my friend is just trying to look out for me, but I really feel she's encroaching on stuff that's not really her business. I'm frustrated with K too, obviously, but my friend and her younger (29 or 30 year old) husband calling him back to engage with him really isn't helping me any. Every time they text him some snarky text, he ends up blowing up my phone leaving angry voice-mails or texts about them snarking at him. I am really trying to concentrate on getting all my paperwork and lesson plans done. I feel like nobody can relate to my work stress. My friend came close, she was a teacher with me and would also stay late after school and spend many hours at home doing paperwork, but she quit teaching this spring. I'm happy for her, as she seemed very miserable in teaching and has a much easier new job now, but I feel she doesn't realize just how busy and stressed I am right now.
All I wanted was a happy summer, and perhaps a nice summer romance for once, but it seems I couldn't even get that. I feel so defeated.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 10:21 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
Turn off your phone or silence calls and texts from your friend while you are working.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:30 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022
she's encroaching on stuff that's not really her business
Like you are? You're in this other woman's marriage.
He's calling you. You're picking up the phone and talking to him. HE'S MARRIED!!
She's being immature? Sorry, there's nothing more immature than being a cheater/AP.
And you feel sorry for HIM?
[This message edited by HellFire at 10:31 PM, Sunday, August 28th]