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Newest Member: lrpprl

Reconciliation :
12 years today

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 WalkinOnEggshelz (original poster administrator #29447) posted at 5:04 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

It’s been a very long time since I have written about myself and our story. So long that there are only a small handful of members here that may even remember our story and our struggles. There are so many here that only know me as a moderator, but when I joined here I couldn’t imagine the position that I’m in now because I was such a pathetic mess.

DDay was 12 years ago today. It happened very publicly at a high school reunion and I am embarrassed and horrified by my actions during that time of my life.

I am lucky to be here today. I am lucky that through all of my husband’s pain, anger, shame, and sadness that he was still able to see something good in me and make the effort to fight for us. He is one of the best, nope the best man I have ever known. He puts his heart into everything he does and sees things through. He gives 100% in every aspect of his life and our marriage and reconciliation have not been an exception to that.

It’s funny (strange not haha) that waywards create a self fulfilling prophecy. We have a lack of self respect, don’t feel deserving of love, poor self awareness, lack of empathy, humility, vulnerability, and remorse. Yet here we are, needing to learn every bit of each and more to heal and to reconcile not just with our partner, but ourselves. I found the process of reconciliation to be a battle with all of those things.

I think the hardest part is getting started and figuring out a direction to take. I was fortunate that my husband had the wherewithal to to a search online. I had ordered a book but had no idea that something like this even existed at that time. I am also fortunate that he shared it with me as a resource. I began to read and read and finally gained the courage to post.

I spent a lot of my life being able to say and show what I always thought people wanted to hear or see in me. Reconciliation seemed no different at first. I desperately wanted that "A+" in R. Both my husband and the good people of this community were able to see through that and help me dive deeper.

I had no idea what it meant to peel back the layers or what I would find. I also had no idea how difficult of a task that actually was. I would hear people say dig deeper, be vulnerable, keep going, but I couldn’t grasp that initially. It took a good portion of two years before things began to click. Two years to develop the empathy I think every BS hopes for. It didn’t come all at once, but in small bits along the way. Each fight, each conversation building on the last until finally it grew into something more tangible. I have no idea how many hours we have spent talking about my affair. Much too many to count. Each hour, each minute has somehow brought us to this place we are today.

We had a lot of support from different places. SI, of course, which I credit most of our success to. Also, an amazing MC. When we had our last session with him, he divulged that he thought we were not going to make it when we first arrived. I was happy that we could change his mind. We also had support from AA and Al-Anon in addition to our IC sessions. Recovering from my affair had become a full time job.

We both wanted to be on the fast track of healing but that was not in the cards. There was so much to sort through. We (he) refused to sweep this under the rug. We were going to examine each piece, each hurt. We were going to look at our dynamic and work through those unhealthy behaviors (him wanting to be a KISA and me breaking down into tears to avoid conflict). We had decided that if in the end we were no longer compatible, we had done all we could and this is what I think of when we say you need to be willing to risk the M in order to save it.

I know our method isn’t cut out for everyone, but taking the deepest dive into who we were and are and our M is what has made our reconciliation a successful one. We took our time with it and revisited what needed to be. I have never tried to forget or erase what I have done. It is part of who I am and part of my marital history. I like the people we are today. We listen to each other, we prop each other up when needed and call each other out, as well. We are trying to figure out a way to semi retire and travel and just lives our best lives together.

I.Am.Lucky.

I have also worked pretty damn hard for it.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15349   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8747032
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:50 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Congratulations WEGS. You guys are an inspiration for many here.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19420   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8747038
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

What an AWESOME post...thanks so much for sharing grin !!

You KNOW what I am going to suggest next laugh !! THIS post really should be put in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread grin !! All you have to do is copy your post and paste it into that thread blink !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8747042
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:15 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

You really are an inspiration for R as well as just for improving one’s self. You don’t sugarcoat, you don’t pretend it was quick or easy.
You expose the warts and lumps and bumps along the way. And you do it all with compassion and understanding while holding people to a high standard. I am happy you and HT have done so well.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8747043
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:16 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

(((WoEz)))

Early in my time on SI I couldn't read anything posted by a wayward. You were one of the first WW's that I remember reading and just being blown away by how much of what you said resonated with me. You showed me what true remorse and reconciliation look like which helped me to see that my xwh wasn't it, and as an extension of that realization got me out of BW mode and into a mindset that helped me to leave my marriage (which in my case was a very good thing). I'm so happy for you and your husband that you were able to reconcile and more that you stuck around here to share your experiences!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8747044
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 6:41 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Awesome update.

You and HT were very helpful in our R along the way.

Honesty and hard work are about the only ways I know for a marriage to be rebuilt.

I am lucky that through all of my husband’s pain, anger, shame, and sadness that he was still able to see something good in me and make the effort to fight for us.

There is a key line for any R as well.

I very much see a LOT of good in my wife, and like HT, I am glad I stayed to fight for us.

Ain’t none of it easy, but a good relationship on the other side of Hell is something we both treasure and value properly now.

Nice work Woez, and thanks for all the volunteer work here!

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4371   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8747045
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 8:31 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Thanks for sharing! It was definitely worth reading and also gives the rest of us that little bit of hope that we too can be at the light at the end of the tunnel in the (near) future.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8747055
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 10:07 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

THANK YOU grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8747069
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 WalkinOnEggshelz (original poster administrator #29447) posted at 10:11 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Want2BHappyAgain, I did it! I knew you would tell me should lol.

Oldwounds, friend…I’m so happy for the two of you as well! I’m glad we could help in any way.

Thank you tush, BearlyBreathing, Ellie, and LIYA13 for your kind words.

I’ve stayed here a long time because I feel I owe it back to the community that helped me so much. I’ve also said it many times that I also feel like staying here keeps me accountable and helps keep me in the right mind set.

DeeplyScared became a very good friend of mine on my journey. I know her shoes are impossible to fill, but I want to do my best by her.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15349   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8747071
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:03 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

That is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.

I’m sorry, what does KISA stand for?

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8747095
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Thank you for the update. It’s very inspiring seeing your growth and healing. R is hard and you and HT should be proud of this milestone.

I’m sorry, what does KISA stand for?

Knight in shining armor

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8747099
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 5:03 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

I'd say you've paid back this community and then some! We owe you, dear lady.

I didn't get the chance to get to know DS very well. I'd imagine, however, that she's perfectly happy with the way you take care of SI. You've mentioned before that you stick around to keep yourself accountable. Something tells me that there's more to it than that.

Thanks for everything you do here. SI is in good hands.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8747108
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 11:32 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Congratulations. I think your story is a great example for those who really want to reconcile. I know for me, it changed my view on life after an affair. I was pretty much dead set in my thinking that no marriage could possibly be any better after an affair. You and HT, as well as a few others changed that view. That is something as I am a pretty bull headed guy.

While I know mine never could have been better, or even equal, it doesn’t mean that for everyone. You give people hope which is what 99% don’t have as either a BS or a WS when they write their first post.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1907   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8747125
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:28 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

I think the hardest part is getting started and figuring out a direction to take. I was fortunate that my husband had the wherewithal to to a search online. I had ordered a book but had no idea that something like this even existed at that time. I am also fortunate that he shared it with me as a resource. I began to read and read and finally gained the courage to post.



Color me a convert to the idea that SI can be a healing tool for both the BS *and* the WS together in R. I was one of those people who pretty much just gave the "keep this safe space for you" advice to BS's out of reflex. You're right though, so many of us haven't been around long enough to witness success like yours and HT's, so I think it's a great thing you're doing to talk about it every now and then in order to remind us.

I'm so happy for you both! smile smile smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8747151
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:27 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Thanks for sharing. I miss HT's posts. His ...um... no nonsense approach was a big help when I was new to this. smile

Providing hope ... that was so important for me. Knowing others were successfully R'ing was priceless.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8747177
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Congratulations and thank you for providing a great example and an inspiration as well. It has helped me immensely in my journey.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3211   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8747183
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 11:02 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

WOE. I’m a relative newbie here.

Thanks for your post.

I have a question.

Your husband is the best man you have known.

Did you see that in him, at least in part, because of the way he handled reconciliation? Or did you always know and just become blind to it during the affair?

I’m unfortunately one of those guys who seems to get respect because of the way they can take a blow and handle it with dignity. I’m talking generally, even professionally. I don’t mind that but don’t want to stake my sense of self worth on it so much anymore. It’s getting old to me. I think the pain is disproportionate to the payoff.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 152   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8747184
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 WalkinOnEggshelz (original poster administrator #29447) posted at 11:53 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

Something tells me that there's more to it than that.


Unhinged, of course it is, which is why I mentioned my friendship with DS. This place means the world to me.

waitedwaytoolong and CT, I am not trying to change anyone’s mind necessarily, but hoping that people can be open to other paths in healing. I am fully aware that our story is an exception and not the rule.

sisoon, you are one of those members that has had a glimpse into our story. Thanks goes back to you!

straightup, I always knew my husband was a good man. One of my fears was that I was not good enough for him (again that self fulfilling prophecy). I feared that he was biding his time with me until he could find someone better. On the flip side, yes, I do believe that the process of R brought on a new found sense of love and respect too. I don’t think it is because he was able to take the hit, but because of the way he worked for what he believed in. I know he feels the same about me. Through the work that we did together, we have a deeper understanding and respect for each other.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15349   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8747244
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 2:04 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

When I got here in....?2016?, your story was long gone. I remember always being impressed with how you handled things, which made me even more curious about how you wound up here. You were just too "together" to be an FWW, but somehow you were.

Then about 3 years ago (maybe?) you responded in a WW thread and you opened up a lot about your story. In case you don't remember, it was when you were talking about your attempts at bargaining after D-Day.

I remember being flabbergasted. But also i remember being in awe. In awe of you and how far away from that person that you are now, and in awe of your H for having the patience of Job.

Me and you, we've kind of gotten to know each other on here, and I decided quite a while back that you're one of the "cool kids" on here.

But the best thing about you? You've made me a better BH.

Thank you. You are an inspiration, and you and your man are THE EXAMPLE of how to get it done.

posts: 2723   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8747254
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 WalkinOnEggshelz (original poster administrator #29447) posted at 3:09 AM on Wednesday, July 27th, 2022

But the best thing about you? You've made me a better BH.


Now I’m the one who is flabbergasted! laugh

Thanks for all the high compliments everyone! I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for such an amazing community.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15349   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8747354
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