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Is Marriage stupid?

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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

It's all about who you and and who you're with, whether a relationship is worthwhile or not.

Marriage itself is a great institution that is protective of women and children, so no it isn't stupid. I'm a single mother, never married, and I'd love to have had had the legal, social and financial benefits that married women get. When you're in an non-married long term relationship and get mistreated, cheated on, dumped after several years, you get no recognition for the pain of the separation. It isn't recognized the same way a divorce is, even if you lived together longer than a lot of people stay married. People say/think, "boyfriends come and go", just as if your relationship with your boyfriend was like what they had in high school or college. So there's a lot less respect, and there's a lot less legal and financial protection, without marriage.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8729998
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 1:47 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Is Marriage stupid?

IMHO? Yes. I really never cared about it, and care even less than that now. I believe in love and commitment and being together forever, but I don't need a piece of paper to do any of that.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8730035
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 3:12 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I don't think so. Marriage protects women that forgo careers to raise the children, protect men's rights to be a part of their children's lives if the woman leaves, and there it is a fact that a father/mother family set up is the most efficient, solid way to raise a family assuming both parties are honest brokers.

I do think that after the family building years marriage is not necessary and may not make sense unless for religious purposes.

Yes, my gut reactions surprised me at first when someone said they are marrying. I still sometimes have a gut reaction "good luck with that" snarky toned voice response in my head before my actual voice has time to say congratulations and my heart has a chance to feel genuine hope it is a good relationship that will make the world a better place.

I also always find it interesting that almost every married person I know says they would never remarry.

posts: 675   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8730091
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 6:09 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Other than for religious reasons, marriage is redundant now.

ALL of the same protections and benefits of marriage ARE in fact provided with common law laws.

Biological fathers rights are not infringed by not being married.

There's less time and hassle needed to end a common law arrangement than there is a marriage.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24084   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8730120
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Nothere759 ( member #80054) posted at 9:43 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I like marriage. I like being a team. The idea of having each others back and it's you both against the world is very appealing to me. I also like love. (Love love?) But when your spouse ruins it it kinda shatters the whole thing for me

posts: 121   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2022
id 8730131
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 11:59 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

IDK about marriage being stupid, but I think super lavish weddings (especially when people can't really afford them) are stupid. I have family members that saved up for years, not for a down payment on a house, but to pay for massive weddings that costs $50-80k+. And for what? A party that lasted a couple of hours?

SO AGREE

my MIL was left $40,000 by her father when he died. The next year her daughter , 33 years old at the time, got married. They spent every penny of that $40,00 on tge wedding.

MIL has since declared bankruptcy, had other financial problems. That $40,000 would have been soooooo much better spent in other ways!!

posts: 3745   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8730429
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 3:06 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

I have a theory. Statistics say that 1 in every 2 marriages will end in a divorce. From these 50% that stays married, in my opinion, not even half are truly happy and satisfied.

If all people in unhappy marriages would actually get a divorce these numbers would be more like 2 in every 10 would stay married.

Happy marriages are extremely rare for several reasons. I believe that there are way more unhappy married couples than happy. People marry and stay married for all kind of reason that are not real love or happiness.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8730458
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 11:29 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

People marry and stay married for all kind of reason that are not real love or happiness.

Yes. I agree. I am married. But am i happy? No. Do i love wh? I dont know, and the hurt is too great anyway.

posts: 3745   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8730655
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 12:06 AM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I Statistics say that 1 in every 2 marriages will end in a divorce. From these 50% that stays married, in my opinion, not even half are truly happy and satisfied.

Only 40% of first marriages end in divorce. IOW those 40% that do get divorced tend towards being frequent fliers enough to make up the difference and pull the overall rate to 50%.

My parents had a loving, happy marriage till death did they part. More than half my friends marriages I'd classify has happy marriages. Not that they don't have complaints at times, but overall they are pretty happy together. For my siblings, one has a long term happy marriage (sickeningly in love like my parents (she probably would say the same about my 2nd), one's divorced (infidelity on her part), and one is never getting married. I'm 1 for 2 in marriages. Would have happy in my 1st if my 1st wife would have been capable. I'm sorry that you haven't seen more that worked.

posts: 1138   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8730663
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:15 AM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I also always find it interesting that almost every married person I know says they would never remarry.


To my knowledge, I am the only one of my married friend group to have dealt with a WS.

But we all agree that if our Hs died or divorced, none of us would ever get married again.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 215   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8730665
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 10:43 AM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I don't believe in marriage anymore. What is the point? If during hard/boring times someone can just cheat and leave for greener, newer, easier pastures? What is the point of marriage when it is so easily violated? We didn't even need to divorce for him to end our marriage. I didn't even need to know it was happening. He ended our relationship and started a new one and I didn't even know. And we were married.

I hope I will be in love again, but I have no faith that it will be a life long relationship. I am grateful for the financial protections I *think* and *hope* I will have from having been married, as I stopped working based on thinking we were a team, raising kids etc. But I will not have more children or put myself in a position of being financially dependent on someone again. No way.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 10:44 AM, Wednesday, April 20th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8730723
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GraceLove ( member #59212) posted at 6:03 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I don't think marriage is stupid. I think my first marriage was stupid! To this day, and it's now been 5 years since D day, I still think that overall, it was a complete waste of my time/energy and money. THank God I have my kids. The best thing that came out of that marriage.
As for now...I just came out of a 2 year relationship and am now open to the idea of marriage. Some of my most cherished memories with my boyfriend are when we travelled and spent lots of time together. I like that feeling. After while, I found it hard to just be sleeping over at each others places. I wanted more.
However, early on, one of the many reasons I dated him was because he didn't want to get married. Neither did I. It was a great arrangement but I've changed my mind. I'm open to it again. I suppose I'm a romantic idealist some days...I dont want the legal BS of divorce, and I realize my chances are high. As long as I have a prenup like Fort Knox, I would consider it again. No more splitting anything!

posts: 270   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2017
id 8731070
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 6:13 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Marriage is stupid when both or one party in the marriage is acting stupid.

I’d be interested in knowing the % of truly happy marriages. Well under 50%. Anyone hazard a guess?

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1947   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8731466
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 8:10 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Tallgirl- i will guess 20% as that is what my friendgroup suggests.

posts: 3745   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8731486
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 1:11 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I agree with Gottagetthrough only 20% (maybe 25%) of married couples are truly happy.

That being said I still want to find someone and try to have a happy relationship, I just have to be aware that the chances are kinda of low.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8731536
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:48 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Most of the married couples I know are happy.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731597
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:36 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago and I was seated at a table of 7 women and one man.

6 at the table had been cheated on, one was a cheater, and I think maybe one hadn’t been touched infidelity. Maybe one.

Ironic. The couple that got married were betrayed previously. I know they are happily married 😊

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:37 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1947   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8731610
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EmergingLady ( member #79881) posted at 4:28 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

To me, it's not marriage, it's people.

The institution of marriage is just fine, but many people aren't fine, good, honest, faithful so their marriages won't be good.


My mom cheated many times on my father, he divorced her. She's on her 3rd marriage now, since 2019.

She was married over 16 years to my father, married 8 years to her 2nd husband and she's been married 3 years so far now in her 3rd marriage.

She won't ever be alone though. She monkey branches from man to man, whether she's dating or married. It's who and what she is.

My father on the other hand, has been and still is single since their divorce over 16 years ago now.

He dated two ladies for a couple of years each (I really liked one of them btw, Melinda) but they broke it off with him because he didn't want to progress things in the relationship with him, which is what he told the from the get go. As time went by, those ladies no longer just wanted to continue dating so they pressed him for more and he said no and they left him.

He didn't let them live with him and he didn't live with them either, he didn't want to.

They tried to change him, tried to reel him in but he wasn't having any of it. My dad hasn't even dated in like 10 or 11 years now.

He's a wonderful man and I wish he would, but obviously it's his choice.


I'm just 22 and I will take my time before marrying. I'm out of college and I'm in no hurry. My dad tells me to wait until I'm at least 30 years old and there is some merit to that I think.

My dad isn't against marriage, the institution I mean. He doesn't tell me it's bad and that I should never get married.

He just tells me to really get to know a person, for a long time, like 5 years or more. He tells me to live with a person for at least 2 years before marrying too.

My mother doesn't subscribe to things like that though (though she did with my dad).

posts: 65   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: America
id 8731777
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sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 1:09 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm just 22 and I will take my time before marrying. I'm out of college and I'm in no hurry. My dad tells me to wait until I'm at least 30 years old and there is some merit to that I think.

My dad isn't against marriage, the institution I mean. He doesn't tell me it's bad and that I should never get married.

He just tells me to really get to know a person, for a long time, like 5 years or more. He tells me to live with a person for at least 2 years before marrying too.

I think your Father's a wise man EmergingLady!

It's not the institution of marriage that's stoopid it's the people in it!

I'm about to embark on my second marriage. I'd have been quite happy remaining as two committed unmarried individuals but I know many women need that additional commitment (validation?) from a man. If we survive WW3, my second marriage lasts as long as the first one and I live long enough I'll be over 80 years old! grin

Unlike the first time around I'm under no illusions this time. I'm going into it with eyes wide open...or at least I believe I am! Human nature being what it is...who knows?

The irony is that if my first wife hadn't cheated (or I hadn't found out!!) I know I'd still be happily married today. duh

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8733266
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still think the idea of committing to someone for a lifetime is pretty darn wonderful.

To make a public declaration that you want someone to be your life partner. To know that someone always has your back.

I get asked this in the poly community too though, because they don't understand why I would engage in hierarchical behaviour and position one relationship with all the couples' privilege and recognition and benefits that the other partner will never be able to legally access. The idea of legal poly marriage has a lot of stumbling block with regards to the nuts and bolts that can happen during a dissolution, so I think that's a long way off.

I like the entwinement that comes with the legalities of marriage. I trust that my husband will know my medical preferences and be able to make decisions for me if I am unable. I don't have quite that same degree of entwinement with my boyfriend because even though he lives with us, there isn't that same certainty of permanence. Maybe there will be one day? I don't know, and I'm okay with it either way. But I know that my husband is my life partner no matter what. I truly believe this one, at least, is forever.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 812   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8733315
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