Sleeping with my ex... now I am the OW
Dday was 5 months ago, WH left the kids and I for OW and is still with her. Kids and I are moving across the world (to the US) in a month! I have a job lined up, our support agreement postnup is begin reviewed by our lawyers now.
Basically, we are staying married until I want to remarry (if I do...) and we are buying a house together in the USA. I am satisfied with the support agreement. I am not set for life or anything- I will have to work. But the kids and I will have a good quality of life AND I get to take the kids to the US to my family and friends. I already have a well paying job lined up and a solid plan for buying the house in early 2023.
I regretted marrying WH for a few years now because he is a negligent selfish party boy trust fund baby. I was SOOO in love with him but he just abandoned me after we had kids. At first after DDay I was devastated because my dream of things getting better as the kids got older definitely died. But then accepted that I was super unhappy with the reality of the situation, and in a lot of ways my life is going to get so much better.
I think because I was unhappy with him and fantasied a lot about moving back to the USA with the kids, this is all so much easier to take. I am not really angry at WH. And... we we started sleeping together again, about once a week. At first it was because I was happy and didn't care and it was a nice FU to the OW. Like he's treating badly already when they are 6 months in. It makes me feel like she is NOT better than me. Not only is he still sleeping with me- I am still his wife with no plans to change that, I will always be the mother of his kids, and if she is happy being his girlfriend for a few years until he leaves her for someone else- fine. Enjoy!
It helps that there is a firm end date too. After we leave we will not see each other until he picks up the kids for christmas. And I am going to be in a completely different world.
BUT UGH now I am doing it because I love and miss him. Even though I would rather die than keep living here. So we are 10000000000% separating... but I am dreaming about him every night. And in the dreams we are still together and I find out about the affair and he chooses us. Really messes with my head. So I have to counter balance this against the ego-boost/revenge I get from sleeping with him... I think I will probably keep doing it because it's just another month and I feel like it keeps things positive between us. Like it feels like we are still on the same team with giving a good life to the kids (which is pretty much exclusively my life, as they will only see him for a few weeks a year).
I just want OW to suffer as much as I have. I know I should be mad at WH instead of her... but.... yea.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022
I really had no idea
So my WH is planning on contesting the at-fault divorce. I have tons of evidence of his affair, but he wants to say the marriage was bad before the affair started. So of course I have to collect evidence that this is not true. All our whatsapp chats with all the I love yous and I miss yous and see you soon beautiful wife i am so lucky to have you.... and the photos together, and the christmas card we sent out to all of our friends and family just a month before I found out about the affair.....
I really had no idea he was unhappy. I had no clue he was in love with someone else. Vacationing with someone else. I now remember why I was in such deep denial the first 2 months after DDay, thinking he would come back. Because we were happy?? I am so confused.
Anyway, the settlement he proposed is RIDICULOUSLY horrible, most of it is not even possible, and of course dependent on a mutual divorce. It's absurdly bad. I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow. And of course he did not submit any financial documents. So I don't know... I think my best bet is to go to trial because he is so so so far away from reasonsable or good will.
Is anyone else here in trial? Did you try to settle first?
20 comments posted: Thursday, May 5th, 2022
How can I get angry?
My husband was a neglectful, selfish, alcoholic/workaholic, narcissist who only really was at home to be hungover. He saved all his energy and best self for others and me and our small children got nothing but bad moods and zombie exhaustion. I understand his betrayal and leaving for the OW has activated the abandonment crisis and that is why I am so shattered and longing for him- even though I was not happy in our marriage.
But why do I still dream of him? Why am I still so sad our marriage failed? I am so sad for our children even though he was home so little they haven't even noticed he moved out. Even though it's better for them to be away from his heavy drinking and passouts all over our home. My family has failed.
Why can't I get angry? I read others stories of how as soon as they found out there was cheating they were disgusted and there was no more love in their hearts for the WH. What my WH did to me was HORRIBLE. I don't want to include all the details in case they are identifying- but essentially he had been planning for months to leave me and leave me financially destitute- I ruined the plan by finding out I was pregnant. And then about the affair. Up until the day I found out I thought we had a good loving marriage- because he was actively decieving me into thinking that. So that he could financially screw me over. Luckily I caught him and this an at-fault country. So I hope I can save myself the fate he was plotting.
Why am I not angry about this!! Why am I still just sad and missing him and dreaming of him? DDay was 2.5 months ago. I want to get angry!!
18 comments posted: Tuesday, April 26th, 2022
I really really need to do NC
Yesterday I broke NC with my WH. I called him to ask him to please do the financial disclosure so I didn't have to take him to court to get it. And his voice... that was the voice of my husband... Not my enemy, not a monster. That was the voice of the man I trusted and loved and every cell of my body is longing to be with.
In the end of course I ended up trying to persuade, asking for reassurances, begging for him to consider our children. Literally, while he was working on the shitty settlement deal he is trying to scare me into signing. And now, of course, I feel a million times worse than I did yesterday when I first called him.
He told me, "You always do this. 2 weeks of barely one word answers and then you call me 4 times in one day. Saying the exact same things every time. Do we really need to do this every two weeks?" And he is absolutely right. I can do NC for like 2 weeks and then I break. And say the exact same things. To a stone wall.
I'm reading the Journey from Abandoment to Healing and so far... yes. Everything is true. I am having a physical reaction to the abandonment. Right now my body is just filled with cortisone... I can feel the stress in every limb.
I'm just SO WORRIED I will not be able to financially support my children because WH is threatening I will get nothing. I don't want to abandon my children the way he has abandoned me. I cannot bare for them to feel this way. I know now I will stay with them forever no matter how poor it makes me and how rich and fabulous their father is.
2 comments posted: Friday, April 22nd, 2022
I miss the denial phase
DDay was 2.5 months ago. I found out my husband was having an affair- and they were deeply deeply in love. He left me and our two small kids and moved in with her. He gave me his reasons- I was not a good enough house wife, I was not interested in his life. But the real reason was he was ALWAYS out partying (how he got together with her) and never wanted to do things with the kids and me, so of course we drifted apart.
Anyway, he told me he "wasn't sure" what he was going to do. So I did the "pick-me" dance and went into super spouse mode. Look incredible everyday, the house was perfectly organized. Did things with friends constantly. Did it work? No, of course not.
So now I am filing for divorce, and I know it's really over. My hopes and dreams things would get better for us- I thought we would reconnect as the kids got older and we got some childcare help. My old life is over. The future I imagined for us and for our kids. Everything I had looked forward to. And I am so, so lonely. I was lonely in the marriage for sure. He was out a lot. Our kids didn't even realize he lived here. They didn't even notice when he moved out.
But now I am really lonely. And I am depressed. I don't feel like taking care of our home because I know I am going to get thrown out eventually anyway. I don't feel like looking nice because there is no one to appreciate it anyway. No one I care about. I was sooo motivated to improve my life during the pick-me dance and now I just feel like sleeping all day.
I am so anxious about the divorce settlement as I was/am a SAHM, and he has lots of money but most of it is divorce-proof and he tells me he is hiding assets/income so I will get nothing. I'm not even sure I will be able to afford to keep our kids, even though he only sees them 3 hours a week and never ever cared for them while we were together.
I have definitely entered the "depression" stage of grief now that denial and bargaining have passed. I'm so sad.
9 comments posted: Thursday, April 21st, 2022