Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Trust your gut. Back again

default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

Tell him he can have dinner with the kids,but your presence isn't necessary. After all, he will need to get used to parenting the kids by himself,when he has visitation.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8730014
default

recovering2018 ( member #63336) posted at 10:28 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

OP, you already have the most important answer. He is a cheating narcissist who enjoys abusing you. None of the other answers you get, truthful or not, will change that or make a real difference.

Sorry this happened to you and your children. They are better off not having such a person as a full-time dad.

I wish you good luck.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 10:28 PM, Friday, April 15th]

_________________________________

Me- H/BS 50s
Her- WW 40s
Married 20+ years with minor children
D-Day 2017, 6 week EA

posts: 100   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2018   ·   location: United States
id 8730016
default

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 1:28 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

No is already a complete sentence. Don’t even bother when he starts with the script flipping

posts: 379   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8730032
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:17 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

The anger right now. My GOD. The anger. I can't do this y'all. There's no way I can make it out the other end. He's out living his best life and I can't eat. Can't sleep. We have a baby that won't sleep. I haven't had a moment alone to breathe much less process this. The firwt time it was easier. I had space and time to feel my emotions. This time I'm surrounded by people without a single second to think.
I still have my ring on. I'm still married. The kids dont know. It's a habit to wear. At dinner he made a comment I pretended I didn't hear..."funny you're still wearing that". Yes. I'm wearing it. I'm still married. My kids don't know. He couldn't wait to take his off. He was bar hopping before dinner. I just don't know who the hell that person is. But I want nothing to do with him. And I'm stuck with him for 17 more years.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730048
default

gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 5:20 AM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I know it is REALLY hard to see it now, but while you may have to coparent with him, YOU will not be "with" him.

sending hugs and strength. You WILL get through this.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3789   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8730055
default

taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 12:36 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I know it was strange when I stopped wearing my ring. I had to remind myself that we stopped being married when he broke the vows. So yes, he will be further out of the relationship since he already started dating others while you were taking care of everything at home.

You are going to need to tell the kids in an age appropriate way. Then detach. It will save you from new hurts.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 373   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8730078
default

Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 2:11 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Invite him over then leave for the day. He can watch the kids. If you need to, hand him instructions in an envelope. He needs a schedule of the nights he will have the kids while you take a break. He needs to be able to manage this when he has the kids by himself. Too bad if he doesn't like it. The kids are also his responsibility. He may be unfamiliar with the concept of being a responsible adult, but tough shit. He does not get to continuously take advantage of you.

The only discussions should be about the kids and finances, nothing personal. It will help you to detach and save you from some of the misery and chaos of living with an unremorseful cheater.

I told my disabled daughter that her father was lying to me and it hurt me. I could not be married to someone who treated me disrespectfully. She was able to understood the concept of lying and that it hurt my feelings.

I am sorry that you are in such an awful place. If your infantile spouse will not man up himself, you will need to do that for him. Please retain an attorney. Knowledge is power. If he is spending family finances on his single lifestyle, you might be able to recoup some of the $$. Take half of any money and put it into a separate bank account. Cancel joint credit card accounts and get your own credit cards if at all possible. You should not be responsible for his debts. Whether you divorce or not, it will make you feel more in control of this very tough situation if you start to take power for yourself. If he still lives with you, then leave before he gets up and he can be with the kids. Leave his laundry, no errands, no cooking for him. He is not being a husband, which precludes you from being a wife.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 699   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8730086
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:55 AM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

I hate all of this so much. I hate feeling this way. Sick. Can't eat. Can't sleep wo seeing what they are talking about. My friend came over today we talked about it. And she made a good point. That a lot of my anger is that I wanted him to fight for me and for our family. I wouldn't have taken him back, but he didn't even try. I'd he did nothing wrong, why not fight for it???

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730174
default

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 5:09 AM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

Because he isn’t the guy you think he is nor the one you want him to be. Deriving amusement from your emotional misery, mocking you, insulting you. Why fight for a guy like that? barf

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:16 AM, Sunday, April 17th]

posts: 379   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8730175
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:38 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

I have no intentions of fighting for him. I just find it sad that a man that claims to not be the one wanting the divorce, sure did ride off into the sunset without so much as a second look, an attempt at an explanation... Anything. Feels like a giant middle finger to me and the kids. Even though now he will be "Disney dad". The fun dad. The do all the things dad. I guess I've seen this movie before. We did it with his daughter (my SD). But she lived on the other side of the country so when we got her (and she was sour only one for a while) we had the time to do all the fun things. We wanted to do all the fun things. Now it's just gonna be a competition.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730248
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:45 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2022

He will not be the fun dad.

He's a narcissist,selfish asshole,who has an anger problem.

He's a dad that you have to have a safe word to use, when his anger gets scary.

His daughter may have had some fun times. But don't think for a minute that she's forgotten he's scary when he is angry. I remember your posting about the time he either tried to get in her room,after she got away from him by either pounding on the door,or taking it off its hinges (I can't remember which). You said she,and the other kids,were scared of him.

He is a shitty father. He has been for a long time.

You are astonished that he is acting he way he is,because your feelings are blinded by love,and hopium.Those of us familiar with your posts are not one bit surprised. He's not fighting because he hasn't been committed for years. He's been pretending. He pretended until he was caught. He's been done for years.

Fuck him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:23 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8730249
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

As always Hellfire, you nailed it. I should not be surprised. I shouldn't. But I am. Just because I'm not that type of person. And understanding someone like my wh thoughts is impossible.
We are talking our daughter tonight. She just turned 11 and I worry so much about what this will do to her. She's going through all those hormones as it is. She's having a rough time at school with some friendships changing. It makes me so angry that he wouldn't nkeep his shit together for them. Fuck me. Who cares. I'm grown and will move on but this shit hurts the kids for a lifetime.
My friend made a point. Me and wh both come from parents that stayed together. No divorces. My friend and her husband both come from divorced parents so they say divorce is non-negotiable for them. So is asked her, what would she do in my situation. If her husband turned out to be a chronic cheater. She looked at me like "yeah I guess I never considered that". And I told her that's the hard part. I never would have gotten divorced. It wasn't an option for me. After the first time I was on my radar because I thought the person that would never ever ever EVER do something like this, did it. And he did it for over a year. Through a pregnancy, and a miscarriage. And he lied about it. And covered it up. And took his anger towards himself out on me and the kids when he got home. And yet I took him back. Broken, full of trust issues. But I did it. And things got good. A lot better actually. Probably the best our marriage had ever been. But it took a lot of work, mostly from my wh to manage his anger. And yes from me to trust him again. But his was a daily management of his anger and gaslighting. And then slowly the work stopped being put in and things went back to normal. And we wound up right where we started.
Saying divorce is non-negotiable is easy. Until the only option is divorce.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730362
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:37 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Fuck me. Who cares

We care. Your SI family. We are here to care for you.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8730372
default

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:49 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I agree with HellFire, your WH checked out a long time ago.

I haven't read your thread since last week but I think if you continue to want to hang onto him, you will be in for the ride of your life.

Being with him is no longer worth your time. Best just to let him go and shut those doors down.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8730382
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

Hurtmyheart, I don't want to hang on to him. But I would like him to fight for us. I know it will end the same. But it hurts that he doesn't care enough to at least try.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730389
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

I think the only thing you can infer by his complete LACK of interest in saving the marriage is that he is once again LYING when he tells you that he doesn't want divorce. He probably just wants you to be "the bad guy" so he can claim it wasn't his choice. Claims don't make it so though, do they? It's certainly been his choice to cheat and then, his choice NOT to change his behavior.

The bottom line is that YOU know the truth. It doesn't matter what your STBX-cheater says. He's going to put out all sorts of disinformation in order to manage impressions. That's just par for the course when extricating yourself from this kind of toxic, dysfunctional personality. If he was capable of digging deep and being HONEST with himself and others, you wouldn't be in this position.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8730394
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:32 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

I know. I need to remember that. I know the truth. It's hard to not go crazy and pull the psycho card when someone always accuses you of doing it. Sometimes I just want to be THAT BS. Ya know? If everyone thinks it, might as well be it. Get some anger out. But I won't. It's not who I am. I know the truth.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730461
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:30 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

The entire time he was with the kids tonight he was texting her. I told him the rule is when he is here, he's here not with her. Is this crazy? Why bother spending time with your kids if you are going to be texting the woman you are giving this all up for? I can't do this. I can't. I'm so angry. I'm so sad. I want to scream. I want to drive my car 100 mile an hour down the highway and d just disappear for a little bit. When I come back I want this all to be over.
He made a comment to me tonight about "whatever helps you sleep at night" and I laughed and said "sleep?! I don't sleep. I don't eat!" To which he replied, not my problem. I said no not your problem, but your fault. He said still not my problem.
How can someone not care so much. 16 years and 4 kids. And he could give a shit.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730477
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:05 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

He made a comment to me tonight about "whatever helps you sleep at night" and I laughed and said "sleep?! I don't sleep. I don't eat!" To which he replied, not my problem. I said no not your problem, but your fault. He said still not my problem.

Elle, it's these small engagements that are going to keep you down longer than you need to be. I know that you want him to fight for the marriage, but what is that hope giving you? More disappointment.

Stop the interactions. If you do need to communicate for children/finances/legalities, make sure that it is the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM. If you do not HAVE to communicate, then don't. Don't cook one extra ounce of food other than for you and the children; don't wash one piece of laundry that is his. If he's texting his OW, it is imperative that you do NOT show any emotion. He wants so badly to get under your skin. That's why he gives you those short, non-caring responses. Don't give him the opportunity any more.

As for him leaving you with the children without any help? Look at it this way. It's sad, and it sucks, but after divorce, you won't have your children 100% of the time. That is just fact, unless your WH does some seriously stupid shit that the courts did not like. So take this time, alone with your children, and relish in it.....because that jackass is missing out on important times in your kid's lives. Soak up as much time as you can, and take them whenever possible during his time when he is 'unable' to watch them. You stated that he is loving his life, coming and going as he pleases and leaving you alone to care for the kids, but believe me, it's a bad move on his side. You NEVER get that time back. So while it may seem overwhelming at times, I think that given the option of having your kids with you, or not, you will take them every time. Spin his time away as a positive for you and your children.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4012   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8730502
default

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:53 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

I know you are right JB. It just hurts so much. I know we have all been there. And I know my story isn't the worst on here. Not even close. Im just so angry. I know I have no control over what he does. in his mind especially, he's already out of this marriage so he can do whatever he wants. Im trying hard to relish this time. I promise I am. But since I found out about this A, Ive only have about 2 hrs alone to really process it. The baby isn't sleeping again after two ear infections and bronchitis so even if I wanted to sleep, I couldn't. My mom (where I am living) is a great help. But she's 67. She works full time. She is also struggling with all of this. My husband is being a total ass to her. Is completely ignoring her which is giving this dynamic another layer of tension. He is in her house but won't talk to her. He is angry at her, calling her the mouth of the south for telling people. She's told one person. And that person is our neighbor and she already knew because WH told the husband and they went to lunch together that first day (must be nice) when he went not he grand tour of "we are getting a divorce" the day after I caught him to literally 9 people. I know I need to adjust because this is the new normal, but a moment to breathe would be nice.
This is the part I dreaded. I knew what to expect and it still sucks. The anger and sadness. It feels so....gross....to think of my WH with a whole other life. Im embarrassed. I know he was talking about me, just like the first time. Looking for his ego to get stroked. I dont want to do this. Last time the kids were 4 and 7. The slept. They could follow directions. But they were young enough to be mostly oblivious to what was going on. This time its harder. Our daughter knows what's going on. Our 7 yo is oblivious, but its because he has autism. Our 22m old knows nothing now, but as he grows up it will be different. He's a tough baby with all his issues and just being a pandemic baby (pandemic babies are wild lol. SUPER needy). But he doest sleep. Last time I was working full time building a new medical center program so I was busy at work. Im a SAHM now so all I have is boredom. Im busy all the time, but not the kind of busy that takes my mind off of it.
I hope one night he wakes up, forgetting where he is and what's happened and he rolls over to find me not there and it all hits him what he did. I know we had our issues and I know that it was probably only a matter of time before we ended up here but I had hoped it would be a discussion. Not him cheating. How does someone recover any type of trust for anyone after this?
His sister reached out to me a few times. I told her what happened. Just the facts. Strictly facts. She said he hadn't told them anything. Just that it was a long time coming and it was because of a bunch of different things. I told her yes, we had issues, it was a bunch of things but it all culminated with this. She was angry. And sad. And wanted to beat her brothers ass for doing this again. And for giving up his family. She couldn't believe that he did it again. I made sure to point out that he said it was never physical but this is what I do know and she agreed that physical or not, he cheated. I know it shouldn't matter but I was relieved to know that she agreed. So many people find penetration necessary to consider it cheating.
Me an OW have a mutual friend. That mutual friend ran into her last night and asked her how it was going with her boyfriend/baby daddy "oh you know, same old same old" (they are on again off again all the time. not a stable relationship. He's batshit crazy apparently.....so another lie by my WH but I knew all this already). So then she just flat out asked...."hows XXX." She just looked at her like a deer in headlights, so then my friend goes "XXX XXXXXX". And OW immediately goes "I swear nothing happened. He just needed an outer to talk. He needed someone to talk to. Swear nothing happened" and my friend goes "I dont think its the physical side at this point that bothers his wife, its the lying and spending time with you at work and going to your house. You know that's not ok for a married man. you know he's married" OW replies"I told him he needed to tell her but he didn't want to. He just wanted a break to get away". And then she told OW that this isn't the first timeless been caught in this type of situation. And then she said "You need to know, she's a really good person. And she's been through a lot over the last few years. And she's an awesome mom, and she is a good wife, regardless of what he's telling you. He's telling you that so you feel sorry for him." and then they chatted a little more. OW asked how I knew they were friends and she goes, "She's a wife whos husband is cheating. what do we all do when that happens? we investigate. We are mutual friends on FB. Its not hard". The she PINKIE SWORE that nothing happened. So I guess that means she's not lying look But like ive always said, they physical side of it is a moot point. Im sure if I ever got confirmation that it was physical it would send me over the edge, but it wouldn't change the process that's already started.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8730519
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy