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Just Found Out :
Trust your gut. Back again

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:15 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

Spending some money on a good lawyer - emphasis on 'good' - is may pay off big time. It did for my son.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8729170
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:57 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

Yup, its time to lawyer up.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8729213
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

Yes, lawyer up and go to the bank and withraw half the money on any and all joint accounts just in case, you're now at war and yoru STBXH is the enemy.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8729235
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:04 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Today he told me that everyone he has talked to about the situation supports him for getting out bc they have seen for a long time how "crazy" I am. Im not even social enough to be crazy anymore. Its driving me insane that he has spun it to the point where "we are getting a divorce because I had a friend that was a girl". I asked him if he thinks there is anything wrong with the straight facts. Yes they may have never been physical. I have no proof of it so the facts are this:
-A married man was texting a woman, almost daily, but multiple times a day.
-Sending picture/video messages.
-Calling her
-deleting all evidence of these messages and calls.
-Lying about where he was so he could visit her at work.
-Spending various amounts of time (sometimes a short visit of 15 minutes while he grabbed stuff, other times more than an hour while he was supposed to be "just driving").
-Never mentioning this "friend" to his wife
****Possibly visiting her home. I have no solid proof of this but the texts I saw between them she was concerned that her home would show up on the location history of his phone.
In any part of reality, is this appropriate. EVEN IF IT NEVER WAS PHYSICAL? Im trying to make sure ive not lost my mind and was not just over reacting bc of previous history. I can't imagine rational thinking people thinking any of this was ok either but apparently there are PLENTY of people (according to WH) that think its ok and Im being "crazy".

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8729285
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Stronger4it ( member #39372) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

You can divorce him for any reason you want. Lying about relationships with female friends is good enough. You thought you could work it out after the last cheating episode, good enough.

Who do you honestly have to answer to? At the end of the day, only you. Not your SIL, or MIL.

Get a lawyer. Also, I know that you feel like you can't do it all, but you can. School, I'm proud of you for getting your masters. this education will pay off long term. You have two jobs on the horizon and they will work out! You have got this my sister!

Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

posts: 342   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2013
id 8729303
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:29 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Stop letting him bully you.

He’s only trying to justify his cheating by blaming you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8729313
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:32 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

How does divorce even work? People say to get a good lawyer. I have zero dollars. Even if I took half of the account that wouldn't get me very far. He told me today that he was thinking of selling his (precious, second midlife crisis) jeep to pay for a lawyer. Would half that money be mine? My name isn't on it but it was purchased with money we made from selling the house. Going into debit or spending a ton of money on a lawyer is overwhelming. My mom said I should say fuck it and let him do all the leg work to file. I've heard that it looks better on the person who's filing though.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8729330
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:27 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

You start by doing an internet search for lawyers. If money is an issue, there are often divorce lawyers who offer a short, free consultation.....often by phone. If this is not available, then you will have to spend a couple hundred dollars for a short, in person consultation.

Divorce can be scary; divorce can be expensive. It doesn't always have to be this way, but right now.....seriously.....what are your options? To just stay in this state, while your WH treats you like garbage, and can possibly be making maneuvers behind your back that benefit him? You have to push aside your fears and take the first step in speaking with an attorney.

I can almost guarantee you this---the more that you learn and understand legally, the easier that this will become. Knowledge is power, and by your own admission, you are pretty weak at this point. But you can change this. The solution is not going to just come walking through your door. You are going to have to go out and get it, but it will be worth more than you can imagine. Nobody is just going to 'take the other to the cleaners' unless they willfully sit by and let them. You will learn what is and is not worth fighting(paying) for, and you will come out on the other side with less material goods, and the burden of an awful partner lifted from your chest. That is something that is hard to put a dollar amount on.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4012   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8729335
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:45 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Logically, if her home would show up in his locations, he went to her home. Given the amount of time,and texts,and pics devoted to this woman, he didn't drop by to say hi. Most men don't have affairs to send texts. They're in it for the sex.When distance isn't an issue it's been physical.

Get tested for stds.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8729340
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:34 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Don't you know someone who got divorced? Ask that person about the lawyer they used. Call your local Chamber of Commerce for a list of family law practitioners.

In my state, half the car is yours, so half the proceeds would be, too.

You need a lawyer, because a lawyer knows what he owes you. In all likelihood, you own half of all M assets, including part of his Social Security and pension, and a good lawyer will get you what is due to you. You can't do that for yourself, and that's OK, because very few of us who have not gone through the process know the ins and outs of D.

Please - protect yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:35 PM, Tuesday, April 12th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8729369
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Belle25 ( new member #63676) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

He is gaslighting the shit out of you. Oh, everyone is saying he should get out because you're crazy? Really? Like who? Maybe his girlfriend.

He's going to sell his Jeep for a lawyer? Okay, let's see it. Let's see that Jeep disappear.

He's full of shit, and he's in your head. Kick him out of there. This is what abusers do and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

posts: 38   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8729374
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Linc4180 ( new member #79703) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Elle,

Just know you are not crazy.

A married man was texting a woman, almost daily, but multiple times a day.
-Sending picture/video messages.
-Calling her
-deleting all evidence of these messages and calls.
-Lying about where he was so he could visit her at work.
-Spending various amounts of time (sometimes a short visit of 15 minutes while he grabbed stuff, other times more than an hour while he was supposed to be "just driving").
-Never mentioning this "friend" to his wife

Everything here is screaming affair. Married people don’t text or talk to the opposite sex daily, delete all traces and not tell their wife. I as a husband would never do that even if it was innocent. I would have told my wife about this "friend" because I know how it would look if it ever came out.

I found out my wife was talking and messaging a guy 5–10 (calls) a day for 5 months without me knowing. Never told me about this guy and deleted all texts and Facebook messages. Even when I found out she got a burner phone to continue talking to him. I recorded them talking as they were going to meet up in a parking lot. She claims they are just friends and she talked to him because I wasn’t there for her. They just had a phone relationship. Even though she can’t "remember " why the meet in person that day.

If you are hiding a relationship with someone from your spouse they know it is wrong.

BH: Me 46 WW: Her 48DDay: 8/4/21 Multiple Affairs (2018, 2020, 2021) Married 17 years. No idea what I am doing!

posts: 25   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: MA
id 8729377
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Thanks guys. I actually don't know anyone who's gotten a divorce within the last 10 years with young children. Lol. I know it sounds crazy. I just have a small circle and I'm the first of that circle to divorce. My mom has a friend but she's in her 60s and all her children were grown.
I did reach out to one person who has a friend that may be able to help me or at least give me guidance. I reached out to my SIl and she assured me that no one thinks I'm crazy and they know he is full of shit. I know I don't need that reassurance, but it feels good to have it. Tonight I'm gonna sit down and look up lawyers and get their numbers and make my way through the list tomorrow.
It's insane to think how something like this can happen. He also told a friend that he asked me for a divorce several months ago. Which clearly is news to me.
I'm now contemplating reaching out to the OW. She didn't seem happy with the turn of events and I wonder if I'd be able to get any truth out of her. We all know how it goes. Needing answers. I know it's a gamble. I'd be happier about it if I could read their text messages after I text her. Just to see what kind of story my wh tries to get her to spin.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8729433
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:54 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

I wouldn't reach out to the OW because reconciliation is not on the table (so it's not like you need to know whether her stories line up with his) and speaking to her is not the best use of your time. Your husband's divorce preparation is already well underway and it looks like he is willing to make this split contentious, considering his history of cruelty and the fact that he is already pursuing a smear campaign against you.

Just start with an Internet search for divorce lawyers in your area; there should be some that offer free consultations and give you an idea of what the laws are in your state and what the typical outcomes are for people in circumstances that are similar to you. You should also ask your lawyer whether it would be possible to have him pay the cost of your legal expenses as part of your settlement.

If your husband starts emptying out accounts, moving around money, selling things, and/or freezing you out of access to credit cards, please make sure that you document these activities. You should also comb over your bank and credit card statements to see if you can identify funds that were used to facilitate his affair, which you might be able to recoup as part of your settlement.

Also, limit the number of people with whom you talk intimately about the divorce; just 1 or 2 people who are completely in your corner and that you thoroughly trust. This will help limit the number of conflicting opinions you will get from people on what to do or not to do, and it will also reduce the likelihood of sharing anything that will get reported back to your husband.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:55 PM, Tuesday, April 12th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 735   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8729449
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:45 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

I'm now contemplating reaching out to the OW. She didn't seem happy with the turn of events and I wonder if I'd be able to get any truth out of her.

Normally I would be saying the same as Bluerthanblue.. OW's are typically just going to give you the run-around anyway and why bother if you're sure you want out? But I'm getting the sense that this is going to really bug you down the road if you don't do it. It's one thing to feel pretty sure that you've caught him out in another affair. It's another thing to BE sure. You said in your first post that contacting her was on your mind and maybe it's something you need to do for your own sake. If nothing was going on, maybe SHE can produce the text messages and photos, right? If she can't... hmmm, it's sounding a bit fishy that they BOTH felt the burning need to send innocent photos and then delete them.

Bluerthanblue is right though... if you do contact her, don't let her wind you up. She's got plenty of reason to lie.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729502
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:45 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Good advice. Thank you! I know R isn't on the table but I just...I need to know. I know a lot of us go through it. Wanting to know every painful detail. I'd rather know the truth than imagine it. I just want to know if he went to her house and when. I mean...if she's worried her house would show in his phone location history then there would be no other explanation.
Has anyone ever not asked questions? This go around my wh has zero interest in proving his innocence to me which actually really hurts. He could care less about how I feel. I know, I know. He's cheated multiple times. But last time he managed to pull his head out of his ass and appologize. If I ask him questions this time he usually answers sarcastically or tells me it doesn't matter. This is the part I hate. The need to know. The anger. I was getting the kids dinner together and I found myself just getting so angry out of no where. The kids were all quiet eating and watching their movie. It was actually a smooth evening. But God. The anger. And it's our daughters bday tomorrow. It's so weird to think that around this time right now I was having my first contraction. That I was so happy. Life comes at you fast I guess.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8729503
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:03 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Is he still in the house with you?

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8729506
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 5:13 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Contact women's groups, they may either provide or recommend an attorney.

When do you take your boards? Does it make sense to wait?

So sorry to hear. To say you deserve better is an understatement. Stay strong.

making it through

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8729508
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Oh no he couldn't wait to get out. He had his ring off and half his shit packed and out the next day. He's telling everyone no was looking for a reason but for being innocent and not wanting a divorce he sure was ready to get out.
My boards won't be until the end of next year. I just started my program and it's 18m long. Im determined to push though. It's gonna be hard but I need to stay the course. The whole reason I went back was to be able to help provide for my family.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8729570
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 6:04 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Elle- it sounds like he is trying to provoke you so that he can tell everyone how crazy you are. Don’t fall for it. Don’t bother defending yourself. As you don’t respond, he will probably up his craziness.

I have an ex like what you describe. I was a stay at home mom too. I worried about how I was going to make it. I’ll tell you, I’m 5 years out from filing and 3 years post divorce and I have never been more happy and peaceful. Trust me, I was scared like you. My ex was running a smear campaign. But in the end, the courts saw through his charade. I got spousal and child support. I now have a job that pays more than any before and have money put away in savings. You will get there too. You are driven and one day you’ll sit back and not recognize who you were when you put up with his crap.

Sending lots of hugs. You will get through this. And just to make it clear, he puts you down because that’s how he really feels about himself. He is a horrible husband. You were the best thing in his life. And trust me, he knows it.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 373   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8729578
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