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Just Found Out :
Trust your gut. Back again

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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 11:24 PM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

That was my though as well hellfire. He's been trying to play the victim since the start.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731004
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:42 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

You need to stop interacting with him. You notice how much of your mental energy he takes up after you talk with him, because of the rubbish he says and does? That will stop when you stop interacting with him. As in, he should never step into the home where you're living. He should only wait on the porch during drop-offs and pick-ups. Ideally, you'd have a neutral public area (such as a certain parking lot) to exchange the kids, so that he doesn't even darken your doorstep.

I am not exaggerating one bit. I have a toxic ex and that is what is spelled out in the legal custody agreement, that drop-offs and pick-ups are in a certain parking lot. He has never been to my new house and he never will, thankfully. I never, ever, have to chat with him. Doesn't happen. We communicate only by text or email (perfect as it's impersonal and leaves a paper trail in case of legal issues) to arrange details for our son. No long discussions are necessary as everything is spelled out in the custody agreement: who pays for what, when each of us gets our son, etc. The legal agreement saved my sanity, because he was both manipulative and abusive, so pretty much a nightmare to deal with. Now I don't have to even look at him. I sit in the car, and wait for my son to come to or from my car during the switch.

You have a baby, which makes that more difficult, and that baby needs to be with you, its primary caretaker, rather than him. You're assuming that this guy deserves 50% custody, but I see no evidence of that. You mention that he's moved into a place that isn't safe for kids, and that he can't even be bothered to get basic child supplies. Document that. Go to a lawyer and share this information, and talk about what is the best custody arrangement you can get. Right now, you're basically giving up your independent life and sanity to let this guy into the home you're living in for hours each day. That is NOT a reasonable custody expectation and no judge would force that on you. You'll never be able to emotionally move on until he's REALLY out of your life, and at a bare minimum that means keeping him out of your house. Talk to your mother about your need for him to not enter the house, and change the locks.

[This message edited by morningglory at 12:50 AM, Friday, April 22nd]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731017
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:32 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

My concern about not letting him just pop in was I was afriad not would look bad on me. But I honestly don't have the emotional capacity for it. He came over today beepopping around like it was a great day. He said he was faking it for the kids but fuck. It was annoying. And now I'm getting alerts on my phone that he's out at a bar (the card pinged my phone when it was charged. I forgot I had that feature turned on). He was sober there for barely an hour and left...now I know why. And tomorrow he said he won't see the kids bc he is getting his tattoo worked on. How the hell is this normal? Is this how it usually works? Mom's are at home while the cheating WH get to go out and enjoy being single before you've even met with a lawyer (just waiting for call backs).
I know I shouldn't care..I'm not supposed to. He is no prize. He doesn't care about me and it's been made very clear but damn it.....it hurts. I know he's out. And I want to know so badly who with. I know it doesn't matter. But I want to know. It's not fucking fair. I didn't deserve any of this. I've never been a perfect wife. But I didn't deserve any of this. I'm a damn idiot for taking him back the first time. I don't know why I didn't follow my gut.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731056
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:34 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I just noticed some typos. I meant to say "he was only here for about an hour" not "sober there".

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731057
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 7:50 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Elle no reasonable judge would expect you to facilitate visits at your home. He chose to step out and he moved out, so he needs to have a safe place to take the kids. This will not hurt your custody arrangement. Just reasonably say (in text so that you have a paper trail) we need to set up a custody arrangement now, you being in my home is no longer working for me. What days/times do you want to have the kids, will you have all the necessaries to take them, and we can do drop off/pick up at Walmart parking lot.

It also may give him a dose of reality, which he seems to really need!

[This message edited by nomudnolotus at 7:53 AM, Friday, April 22nd]

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8731075
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:09 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Ok that's good to know. I'm so afraid to do anything wrong and ruin any good marks I may have earned. Florida is a no fault state (if I've read that correctly) so I don't know how much that plays into our situation. I guess it doesn't at all really. There's a lot of "good ole boys" where I live so I'm trying to read lightly and not come off as a crazy, unstable wife. I know he says I have been, but I know I haven't done anything. So just want to keep that track record.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731115
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 1:33 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Here in Ohio, each county has a default parenting plan. You might google your county and see if they have something similar. That might be a good starting point for boundaries.

My ex gets the kids Tuesday night for dinner and every other weekend. There is a set list of holidays in the schedule too.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 373   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8731119
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:54 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Of course it hurts. Unfortunately, in most cases,love doesn't just stop because their spouse is a dick. I mean,look at all of us here. If love ended *justlikethat* I think we would all be a lot happier. And divorced.

It's normal to be hurting. However, you need to start detaching. Read the 180,and follow those steps. It will help tremendously.

Also..you know who he is out with. You know it's her. He is still going with this silly claim that they're just friends. I tell you what, I would be informing her boyfriend of their "friendship." I'd blow that right the fuck up.

You have power here. Use it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:55 PM, Friday, April 22nd]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8731122
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

“ I know I shouldn't care..I'm not supposed to. He is no prize. He doesn't care about me and it's been made very clear but damn it.....it hurts. I know he's out. And I want to know so badly who with. I know it doesn't matter. But I want to know. It's not fucking fair. I didn't deserve any of this. I've never been a perfect wife. But I didn't deserve any of this. I'm a damn idiot for taking him back the first time. I don't know why I didn't follow my gut.”

(ETA sorry, still failing to use quote function!)

Some good starting points and questions above on your journey to self knowledge, there are many fascinating things to learn on this journey. Why didn’t you follow your gut for example? No point berating yourself but delving deeper will offer many light bulb discoveries. Take your focus off him, and have a good long compassionate and kind look at yourself, where you will find much inner strength and beauty. It is really much more interesting examining your own inner life than contemplating his in any shape or form, except why your psyche felt you needed someone like him - that is useful to probe a little in terms of your upbringing etc.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:24 PM, Friday, April 22nd]

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6396   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8731138
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:23 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I have been going back and forth about telling her BD/BF. I think part of me worries that he will say its not big deal they are friends etc and then where does that leave me? The last time I reached out to the BF It did nothing if not make me feel worse because he didnt think that the sexting, pictures, phone calls etc. was inappropriate. I even let that BF know that she had been doing it with numerous other men (which I had proof of as well) but he didnt care. She called the shots in that relationship. It wasnt worth reaching out. I worry about how it will make me feel this time. My WH likes to say im crazy and "stalking" her, and I feel like telling her BD/BF would just give him more fuel and Im not sure I have it in me to deal with more shit from him.
On the other hand, I have heard the BD/BF is a loose cannon and I wouldn't want anything horrible to happen to WH, I do need child support and if he gets his ass kicked and can't work, where would that leave me? A said scare wouldn't be horrible though lol
The third possibility, that he is completely unaware and would actually give a shit and be upset and wreak havoc on her life, is the only possibility that would bring me any resolve. WHs first AP suffered no consequences and I was the one looked at like I was going to go crazy. I remember the office manager at the location AP worked out was worried I would do something. So I can only imagine how crazy my WH made me sound to them. Im tired of being the one made to suffer. And the one to pick up the pieces and keep everyones shit together when my WH worked so hard to tear it all up.
He was clearly hungover this morning. I told him he should have showered before work. I feel like Im on the edge. Im moving in millimeters when I need to be moving by miles. This time its so different and its caught me of guard I guess. And I am trying to focus on school. I started a new semester this week and Im having a hard time focusing. I find myself checking my phone all the time. I dont text unless its kids or finances. Its hard. We used to text all day. Its like I dont know what to do with myself. I check this site probably 20 times a day. To see if there are any new responses to my posts. To see what new hell someone has discovered today. Anything to keep me busy. Im so bored and I have no distractions. Yes I have my kids but most the time its not distracting enough. What has happened is still there in my thoughts. Along with all the other things I need to do. I know Im hoping for an "im sorry" text....something that tells me the man I married is still there somewhere. Not because I want him back, but because I need to know I wasnt married to a total stranger. That the last 16 years of my life weren't a total lie.
I want to be left alone. But I want to talk about this until the sun comes up. I need to do school work, but I can't read more than a sentence or two without getting distracted. Last time I had my partner at work. She had been through it and she was a really great sounding board. She listened and offered unbiased advice, but would also cuss him out with me when I needed. My friend that knows it all now has been great. But I know her and her husband want us to make this work. Our marriage is important to them. And I mean that in a good way, not a selfish way. We have traditions with them and their kids. Her husband is the only one in WHs ear that knows both sides. The rest of WHs "friends" are single men with a Peter Pan complex. Never married or divorced or half way out the door. So maybe that's what's so appealing. He sees these guys so happy and free to do what they want when they want. I can't imagine being in your mid 40s at a bar is enjoyable but my WH has always been much more social than me. Last time I WH showed remorse, sort of, ,eventually. Last time I got answers, sort of, eventually. This time we haven't really even talked about it. When I mention it, it immediately goes south. I know where I need to get to , for myself to fine peace. But I honestly dont know how to do that anymore. Im a fixer and a thinker and a problem solver. I need answers to solve problems. I know where I will end up with or without the answers but its hard for me to feel like Ive "gone through the process" when I dont have my normal toolbox to use (ask questions, get answers etc).

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731189
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:56 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I know where I will end up with or without the answers but its hard for me to feel like Ive "gone through the process" when I dont have my normal toolbox to use (ask questions, get answers etc).

Make a new toolbox (get mad, fuck up his shit). The guy OWED you those answers.. and so much more. But the action here is that he decided you don't get to know. That's the action you should respond to. "You don't get to know." And of course, the appropriate response to that is ... "Fuck you.".

Your brain is spinning. Rumination is going 24/7. We've all been there. Hell, YOU've been there. But when the WS can't even be bothered to acknowledge that you're a person with feelings, the only response to that is.. "up yours motherfucker".

Go NC. Get a parenting app. Don't bother with the 50/50 stuff when your STBX can't be bothered to provide a safe place for child visitation. Get a good attorney, take as much child custody as you can. Enlist your family, friends, and any church or government entities who might help. Call women's legal aid groups. Go for child support through college and spousal support for as long as you can get it. Don't forget to cite job training and/or educational goals. Make that guy PAY for his insolence. He's not your friend. He's not your confidante. He's a guy who fucked you over and then decided that you don't get to know why. Treat him that way.

((big hugs)) You're going to be okay. Believe it.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8731208
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Google Legal Aid in your city, and find what type of free legal representation is available to you. Ask your mother for help. You need child support and a custody agreement.

Fancy lawyers won't particularly sway a custody judge. The whole point of custody is the children's best interest. Go in focused on that and not on the cheating, and you will prevail with custody and child support because you're an obviously better parent.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731230
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

That makes me feel better. I felt like I was crazy for expecting answers so knowing I'm not makes it better. Sometimes I feel like im weak minded or something for having such a hard time with someone who clearly didn't give a shit. He always said that I was the one that didn't love him. And honestly I believed it at times because my love wasn't what he needed or wanted but now I realize it would have NEVER been enough.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731231
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:08 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

1) I believe many good D lawyers will take you on in the expectation of collecting when the case settles. Sometimes they start to collect by taking you on and going to court to get the partner with money start paying even while the case is in process.

You need a lawyer ASAP.

2) You can edit your posts, if you want to. In the upper right of each post, you should see a number of icons. On the left, the icon looks sort of like a person. On the right, there's a rendering of a house. In between, there's a pen or pencil - click the pen/pencil to edit. (My senior year HS English teacher lives on in me (he was a GREAT teacher), so I edit a lot for spelling and grammar, though sometimes I don't make every correction he tells me to make. smile )

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731245
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

That's great to know! I hate having grammatical errors but sometimes my sausage fingers have different ideas of how they want the sentence to flow when I'm on my phone. By the time I catch it it's usually too late. Now I just need to figure out the quote option LOL

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731251
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:13 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Quotes are easy too. Just copy and paste the selected comments, highlight, then click on the quotation mark above. Alternatively, you can write it out longhand.

ie. [qu0te] what you want in the quote box [/qu0te] (I have misspelled the word "quote" in order to disable it so you can see what it will look like. This will work for BOLD and Italic as well.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8731257
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:41 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Tell the APs BF. I wrote a letter with evidence to my WH's last EA AP's BH (wow, that's a jumble of abbreviations!). She thought I was nuts, and I'm sure she told her BH I was nuts, but now his radar has been alerted. If anything ever happens again, he'll be in a better spot to act. He actually texted my WH to get my contact info, but I said my bit and was done with it. If he wants more answers, he can put the screws to his WW.

It really doesn't matter what these people think about you.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 209   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8731302
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 10:10 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I know it doesn't matter. Truly I know. But I just don't think I can handle the shit talking from WH. "God you really are psycho" "you are stalking her" and if the Baby daddy doesn't care, "I told you it was nothing. We were just friends, you are the only one that cares" "you just wanted a reason for a divorce" and so on and so forth. Does the time frame ever expire on when we can tell them? And I also wonder if I have enough proof. This time I have nothing but where do saw him going on a map and deleted messages. For ME that was enough after what we had been through. I kind of bluffed knowing he was at her house. I assumed it was and he eventually confirmed thats where he was.
I don't know. I know I'm overthinking it. But it's because I don't know if it will end of making a difference. Last time it didn't. It just made me feel worse. Crazier really.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731309
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

You say you don't want to tell the AP's BS mostly because you can't handle being attacked and belittled by your WS as a result. This is an example of why you need to be out of direct contact with him, why he needs to never enter your home, and why you should only communicate with him via brief texts & emails about the kids.

He is controlling your behavior as well as your thoughts. Imagine living a life with freedom of thought and action. It will be a wonderful thing when you get there.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731350
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 12:35 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I know. I've probably thought about it more than I realize or want to admit. I find myself wishing I would have done what I always said I would do. Every time we had a huge fight and he would say awful things things not necessary for the discussion we were having, I always said I would write it down to remind myself of it later. I kept a lot of it on here but not nearly all. When I remember some of those things, it blows my mind that i tolerated it for so long. Why I let it go this far. And still I'm hoping for something from him. I'm sorry. I fucked up. Ill tell you everything. Please give me and other chance. Anything.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8731353
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