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New Beginnings :
How did you start over?

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 Tallgirl (original poster member #64088) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

Hi, I often see stories here of successful new beginnings, and people enjoying being single.

I have not had a new beginning. I haven’t gone on more than 2 dates with anyone and no intimacy either. And honestly I haven’t really wanted to. I would love to be in a relationship, even a light and friendly one but I don’t know how.

How did you do it? How did you meet people?

How did you feel confident enough to go forward?

How did you give off the I am single and available vibe?

How did you relate to new people? I come off as a friend, one person told me that I didn’t know how to flirt. Probably true. I am not the flirty type.

I am somewhat afraid that I don’t know how to have a relationship after a really cold marriage.

All help appreciated as I am a truly inept dater.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1947   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8716938
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:43 AM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

Hey TG— right there with you.

I;ve only dipped a toe in the dating pool but I am feeling ready.

For me, until I felt 100% comfortable being on my own I was not giving off the right vibe. But now, I think I can date or not date and be okay, and that is the open, comfortable vibe I want to give off. Took me a long time to get here, but I had some issues of my own that the A bubbled up to the top that I had to deal with (plus the wildfire and getting fired, dad dying, uncle dying.. there was a real bad spell there).

I do take myself out to dinner and generally eat at the bar. Let friends (and even more casual acquaintances) know I am ready to meet people, I say yes to all sorts of things just to get out and meet folks. And I am reasonably friendly, but do have to watch my RBF - I am not smiley. And my flirting is awkward AF. But you know what— that is who I am, so it’s a pretty good barometer.

Just be you. Get out there. Enjoy single life —. Which just means enjoy life. As it is. Right now. And that will give off the vibe you want.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 8:37 PM, Friday, February 18th]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4714   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8716948
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

I have not had a new beginning. I haven’t gone on more than 2 dates with anyone and no intimacy either. And honestly I haven’t really wanted to. I would love to be in a relationship, even a light and friendly one but I don’t know how.

This is the kicker for me - if you don't really want to, then don't.

I haven't dated at all since my divorce. One, I know I'm not mentally there yet and two, my life circumstances are going to be changing (hopefully later this year) and I don't want anything to complicate or get in the way of what I want to accomplish for myself.

How did you do it? How did you meet people?

The pandemic hasn't helped with this - because I just don't in the last two years. When I do get moved and all though, I am planning on taking some classes/getting involved in activities I enjoy and letting the universe put me in the right place at the right time.

How did you feel confident enough to go forward?

For me I think this stems back to knowing my worth. Knowing what I bring to the table and knowing that I will not settle for less next time. It's more about valuing myself and my ability to spot red flags and put my own well-being first.

How did you give off the I am single and available vibe?

I have been told more than once that I intimidate people, so I'm pretty sure I do not give off the I'm single vibe, but instead the 'get your tiny peepee energy away from me' vibe. And you know? I'm okay with that. If someone feels intimidated by me, we likely won't get along in the long run anyways - I am a fiercely loyal friend but I am definitely not for the faint-hearted.

How did you relate to new people? I come off as a friend, one person told me that I didn’t know how to flirt. Probably true. I am not the flirty type.

Embrace your awkwardness - some of my very favorite people are awkward AF and couldn't flirt if their life depended on it. It's okay if you don't know how to flirt, and it is more than okay if you make friends first. Don't feel like you need to change things about who you are as a person ever. The right people will value and like you for who you are, whether they be just friends or romantic interests.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8717032
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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 3:42 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

Hey TG:

After this latest New New Beginning right in the middle of 2020, I worked hard with my therapist about what I needed to do next.

I wanted to try on a lot of hats of things that interested me, learn some things, and mostly build a community. Sounded impossible during the past 2 years, but it's amazing what you can do online. I tried a couple until I landed on the one that just fit and made me feel sassy.

I took some classes that had some student gatherings once a week on Zoom and I forced myself to show up. I met people from around the world and even though class is over, we still meet every other week.

I thought of interests where, at a minimum, most people had been pre-screened - in that at least we had _____ in common as a starting point.

Now, I've done exactly zero meeting new people in person yet, but I feel like I'm priming the pump. My mantra is to show up. And keep showing up. And if I keep doing things I love, then like LE's says - the universe will keep giving me opportunities.

It takes stamina and a bit of bravery sometimes, but I had made my world around this man very very small and focused on his world (again). That's a regret for me. Never again will I let that happen.

So, that's my NNB do-over and so far it feels right. Last time I saw my therapist, he told me when I talk about the things I'm doing, I just light up. I'll take it.

I tell ya, it was awfully fun to sit around and make a list of all the things that really interested me - amazing what ended up on there.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2190   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8717093
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 Tallgirl (original poster member #64088) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

You guys are cool. Thank you, Chili what did end up on your list?

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1947   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8717196
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 8:34 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

I would love to be in a relationship, even a light and friendly one

What is it EXACTLY that you are wanting that you believe a "light and friendly" relationship would give you?

I ask because there's some dissonance between what you say regarding your feelings toward a relationship vs. what you believe you want. It could be that you don't truly believe you can get what you want in a relationship - which could be either a factor of some needed continued healing OR possibly what you actually want wouldn't require the type of relationship you believe you need in order to get it. Make sense?

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8814   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8717204
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AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 11:03 PM on Friday, February 18th, 2022

TG,

I’ve mentioned this often, but after D, I dated my xHSBF for about 3 years. Mistake. I then took 2+ years to reheal. Tried to start dating Jan 2020. Hello pandemic! Ha! June 2020 I dated someone for a few months. Few (7?) other lackluster dates. No sparks. Nothing. Plus a nice fling with someone 22 years my junior.

I spent the various lockdowns continuing to heal, focus on my emotional health, physical health, talking w GFs, making a few new GFs, trying some new social things as CV19 available and literally counting the days until my last dating profile expired early Dec 2021.

Literally, someone was in my circle that became available several months ago and I was not aware. Due to the existing circle I did not overtly make it known that I was interested, but he eventually figured it out. While it is only 2 months today, we laugh because we have known each other a year, so it seems much longer.

Do you have other single friends looking to be active or social and wing women? My girl tribe is so very important to me, most of them don’t know about him yet, I’m not hiding it per say, just not ready to shout about it. So I’m a great wing woman for them. smile

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:06 PM, Saturday, February 19th]

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1696   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8717250
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 2:01 AM on Saturday, February 19th, 2022

I don’t have any real advice on the dating since I’ve gone out with one guy three times -but I do actually feel really confident in myself and comfortable in my own for maybe the first time in ever.

I think my divorce put me to the fire and showed me who I really am. Someone who is loyal and fierce and strong and then not being married to a cheating addict made me realize how much of my energy and frankly personality went to smoothing over things for him and dealing with him. And now that I don’t have any of that I have realized I am actually really fun. I take my kids camping and have girlfriends come over after my kids go to sleep and we drink wine and eat cheese and chocolate and we laugh until way past when anyone over 25 should be awake 😂 this morning at 6:30 I turned on ABBA super loud in my kitchen and danced around making breakfast while my kids looked at me like I am insane, but also we were all laughing.

I also cry a lot and feel overwhelmed but I like who I am and enjoy spending time with myself and I’m selective about who I choose to spend my extra time with.

Also, I feel strongly that buying myself bras and undies and dresses that make me feel beautiful has been very good for my soul. As well as getting a little tipsy and then blasting music and dancing by myself until I’m sweaty. After being with someone who told me I wasn’t good enough and that there was something wrong with me because our sex life sucked, being in my body and feeling beautiful for me when no one is watching has been healing.

Also the person that told you that you didn’t know how to flirt needs to take a seat. Perhaps they never saw you flirt because weren’t interested in them or anyone around them. Why would someone say that? Once you find the right person that you want to flirt with, then you will without even thinking about it.

[This message edited by messyleslie at 2:03 AM, Saturday, February 19th]

posts: 276   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8717316
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courageous ( member #34477) posted at 5:28 AM on Saturday, February 26th, 2022

How did you do it? How did you meet people? How did you feel confident enough to go forward? How did you give off the I am single and available vibe?

My first relationship after my divorce from WH was final was with a long distance relationship with someone that was at a similar place in their life as me. It had started as a friendship and turned into more so confidence there. It lasted 2 years but honesty neither one of us should have been dating (we were not healed).

After that, I dated a handful of guys I met thru online dating websites. Online dating is easier because you can have conversations with some guys without ever meeting them. It was flattering to have male interest. I talked with them for awhile before I agreed to meet them in person. I also did research on anyone I was planning on meeting in person. I have become a bit of a sleuth since WH. The youngest guy I dated was close to 18 years younger than me. blush I had one relationship from the dating websites last 6 months. That relationship was with a guy who was bipolar (which I knew about) and psychopath (which I didn’t). His brother has even been officially diagnosed as a psychopath When I caught him lying to me the 2nd time, it was ALL my fault I made him make promises to me he never planned on keeping. By then I had taken some classes on boundaries, co-dependency, and healing from other things. I ended it right then.

I became comfortable with being alone and being single. I finally decided to start dating again and the pandemic started crying I’m gun shy of online dating now. Also, I have lost some of my confidence. I gained all of weight back I lost due to the infidelity diet (be careful what antidepressants or take).

I would like to meet someone in my natural "habitat". I have thought about wearing a sign around my neck stating I’m single. Maybe I should randomly breakout in Beyoncé’s single ladies dance..

I don’t know how to meet single men other than online. It seems like everything is involved with technology these days. If you find a way, let me know.

[This message edited by courageous at 5:54 AM, Saturday, February 26th]

Me: BW (40ish) Him: ExWH EA/PA with MOW coworker(also married). He ended up marrying his mistress.

posts: 870   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2012   ·   location: Texas
id 8718900
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 9:34 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Sometimes it's okay to not go on more than 2 dates with someone! That means they aren't the right person for you! I think if you have the mindset that you are looking for a friend, some of the pressure will be relieved. I started with a dating app that let me be in control of who contacts me and it helped me be comfortable getting used to talking to guys again. Slowly relearning that skill! Hang in there, you are doing a great job!

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8719371
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2022

eHarmony is a good place to meet people. I have met several men from that website and they were really well matched actually.

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8719471
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 1:56 PM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2022

The pandemic lock down really messed with opportunities for me, but fortunately for me, my community has an active outdoor recreation community and I started making new friends before the pandemic and before I was separated but when my marriage was starting to fail.

After the pandemic lockdown and my separation and divorce, I had absolutely no clue about flirting or making "moves". In fact, the first few times someone flirted with me, I panicked and pretty much ran away. I have a friend that still teases me about that! But I had fun taking bike rides with new friends of both genders, kayaking days at the reservoir, hiking with groups and individuals and later as the pandemic restrictions started easing up, music and meals out with various new friends as well as bringing very small groups to each other's homes for meals and fellowship.

I had several first dates with people I met on either Match or Facebook dating. At least 1 of those remains a friend, but definitely not romantic or intimate. I think 1 lady I dated about 3 times was actually met on a walk and we just started visiting as we strolled and later had coffee.

The current lady I am seeing is from the outdoor adventure community and we met on a group bike ride way back in the summer of 2019. We didn't date for over two years but then took a hike or two, had a few longer bike rides and a couple of kayak trips before we even thought about dating. It was 'light and friendly' for several months. But now we have been seeing each other for about 10 months and starting to get comfortable with each other.

I'm fortunate that I live in a community, that although hit pretty hard by covid, still has a great climate and an active outdoor culture and many like minded people of various ages. I rediscovered some of my old interests and made some new ones and just decided to start having fun to get out of the devastation of the end of my 32 year marriage. It's just sort of worked out.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 1:58 PM, Tuesday, March 1st]

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 392   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8719507
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 9:02 PM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2022

I have not had a new beginning. I haven’t gone on more than 2 dates with anyone and no intimacy either. And honestly I haven’t really wanted to. I would love to be in a relationship, even a light and friendly one but I don’t know how.

Go easy on yourself and listen to yourself.

You haven't wanted to go on more than 2 dates or be intimate? And you haven't? Then you're doing it right!

How did you do it? How did you meet people?

I used online dating with quite a bit of success. I went on a handful of first dates and I enjoyed almost all of them. I even went out on a "date" in which me and the other person acknowledged that there was no chance of anything happening between us. We met at a sushi place, grabbed some food, talked about stuff, and then went our separate ways.

How did you feel confident enough to go forward?

Fake it until you make it? I promise, everyone else out there is as scared of dating as you are.

How did you give off the I am single and available vibe?

How did you relate to new people? I come off as a friend, one person told me that I didn’t know how to flirt. Probably true. I am not the flirty type.

I am somewhat afraid that I don’t know how to have a relationship after a really cold marriage.

All help appreciated as I am a truly inept dater.

I would say... be patient... listen to yourself... and take some chances.

Dating is a "numbers" game. You have to meet a lot of people until you find the right person. Timing is also important...

Paraphrasing Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5264   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8719613
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 7:21 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

I’m just not a dater. I was married 36 years. When I met my ex, I had only a couple dates in 6 years before meeting him.

It’s more then a struggle. It just doesn’t happen.

I’m 63. i believe the odds are pretty low. I know what you believe , you create. I try to keep positive. Sometimes. Odds are just low.

I walk the park often. Fresh air. Exercise. I see how common this experience is. I now recognize the regulars. Many people are lonely. They don’t know how to manage being alone , older, in covid. Everyone shows up alone. They walk alone. Over and over.

Nobody talks. After a year, they might give a nod hello. We know we are regulars.

It’s surprising how many eat lunch alone in the car. I felt embarrassed. Until I saw so many others. Many are feeling this. It feels like trauma shock.

There a part of me that’s afraid for covid to end . The truth of being alone will be staring at me. With no excuses. Others will return to a normal life. Mine will not look much different. My divorce started just before covid.

I have used this time to heal. I have healed a lot . Healing has been hard work. I’m not sure what to do after all the healing. Infidelity divorce and healing took up all my time.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:29 AM, Wednesday, March 2nd]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4770   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8719703
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:43 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

eHarmony is a good place to meet people. I have met several men from that website and they were really well matched actually.

My xwh turned me all the way off of online dating - met him on eharmony too.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3445   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8719910
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 6:15 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

I read something the other day about rewriting my story. I think I slowly rewrote my story. I rewrote my story FROM so called frumpy bargain bin rejected 55 plus wife who would consider staying with a cheater out of obligation and fear--a wife who got used and epically discarded--TO "hot desirable 55 plus woman"

I have worked on myself for more than 4 years now.
And I think the reprogramming is working.

I intend to be my authentic self. As the world opens up more I intend to do more activities. I hope to make more friends.

(Think we can't mention other groups but I joined a no cost to me group associated with a well known success coach and started hanging out in the group a little.)

That said, I consider any dating I might do to be a very slow process of getting to know someone very well. Paying attention to their actions and how they treat me and those around them.

posts: 939   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8719948
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staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 2:25 PM on Monday, March 28th, 2022

The most important thing, for me, was to find new friends. I think too many people make the mistake of trying to replace their relationship right away. Find other single people. Participate in divorce support groups or meetup groups. After being part of a couple for many years, it's hard to go at first and show up alone. But I would tell myself I was just going for 10 minutes and could leave at any time. I waited almost 18 months to date after my D. But I made new friends and had so many great times. I would also say it's important to take care of yourself. Take a little extra time with your hair & clothes. Exercise to feel good and reduce stress. If you feel good and look your best, you will be more confident, open and friendly. It's not about flirting, it's about being friendly and showing an interest in learning about other potential friends.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8726369
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 6:21 PM on Monday, March 28th, 2022

I don't think I'm good at dating or flirting either. I'm super warm and friendly with men (and women) I'm not interested in, but the second I'm interested I get in my head and get anxious and shy. In every single relationship I've been in, the man has had to be interested enough in me to work through the "don't touch me vibes" I apparently throw out unintentionally until I get to a certain comfort level and stop being weird. it's not a thing I like about myself but it is what it is. Online dating was actually good for me because by design everyone knows you're single and looking. I got involved in a local social group that was great for making friends, but I was too shy to make a move on anyone there.

posts: 9497   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8726419
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 2:48 AM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

I am about 8 months out from DDay and D so I haven’t given much thought about dating/meeting men.
When I got married 25 years ago, I never thought I would enter the dating scene in mid 50’s. I was never keen on dating different men even when I was young so at my age, it is even more daunting. It sucks. It really does.
I’ve decided to embrace doing life alone. But I do love reading about your stories of romance!!

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8728975
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