In a bad place and could use some help š„²
Iām in such a dark place and just canāt seem to get my feet under me. Itās all encompassing but itās simultaneously all the little things that feel like the "straws". I feel like all I mutter anymore is just simply, God help me. Itās not flippantā¦itās an urgent pleading. Pleading. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning.
Whatās happened? Hard to explain succinctly, hard to even understand. I just feel like I have woken up in the wrong life somehow. Not because itās not how I envisioned and planned it - itās most definitely not. But because I canāt seem to find my way forwardā¦toward something actually new, that feels like it fits. It feels like Life is somehow prodding me forward, awayā¦but toward what I havent the faintest clue. And I donāt seem to be able to find a path that will open up - nor even the energy and motivation - dedication - to move toward anything because I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE what Iām even suppose to want anymore.
Letās just start with what seems the simplest but simultaneously heaviest weight right now - my house. Itās way too big; I donāt even live in half of it. Fine. Itās been my home for almost 24 years. I need the stability and familiarityā¦itās a small comfort, security. But itās more than I can take care of. Itās not a monetary issue as much just an overwhelming demand that feels like itās starting to fall down around me. Itās notā¦probably because Iām riding on the fumes of how many years it was so well taken care of. But there are thingsā¦normal maintenance things that I just canāt seem to find the means to address. Anything from floors that need mopping to rotting trim and a fence that needs attention. Just stuffā¦that attention and time would help. And I can neither seem to get it done nor find the people to pay to get it done. Solving one problem just seems to subsequently create two additional ones. My whole life feels like Sisyphus - and the pointlessness seems to just bring more despair and despondence - no matter how much I try to internalize the deeper message of the Sisyphus lesson. This is not who I am. I use to keep an IMMACULATE home. I simultaneously no longer careā¦and feel utterly lost because I canāt seem to. How can it matter so muchā¦and yet somehow not matter enough?
My neighbor - after 20+ years - has decided she has a problem with me emptying my koi pond water onto the street that promptly flows to the storm water drain. I have had both she and her husband on my doorstep late at night, swearing, threatening - unbelievably nasty. Iāve tried to accommodate by only letting water out late at night - of which itās completely dry before morning. Weāre talking maybe once every two weeks in the warm months - like 10 times a year. Iāve looked at the situation from every perspective I can - to try to minimize any problem she may be having. I canāt see it. Sheās even called the city twice on me now - who has sided with me each time. THEY donāt even see a problem. She wants me to fill in my pond. Iāve instead installed $1200 worth of security cameras. I donāt feel safe.
Itās been 15 months since my close neighbor friend passed unexpectedly. It was a tremendous emotional loss and Iām still grieving deeply. But Iāve also spent the last 14 months rebuking her husbandās dogged FWB requests. I wonāt even go into it hereā¦but itās been a real challenge due to both the proximity issue and her teenage daughter that Iāve been trying to emotionally support. But I reached a breaking point a few months ago and cut the relationship off completely. Itās been every bit as challenging and destructive as I feared it would be - made worse by it being a neighbor.
So Iām literally surroundedā¦and the house seems to be the cage. Externally and internally. And Iām stuck with what life is trying to tell me. Let go, move? Or fuck em all? I just need direction, some clarity. I can go through whatever, manage whatever, so long as I know Iām on the right path. Paying dues doesnāt intimidate me in the least. But Iām lacking convictionā¦and I canāt make huge decisions when Iām waffling.
I also feel like Iām not asking for or expecting a lot. Itās not like I want to become a world class ballerina at 55. I just want simplicity and order. I want peaceā¦and I want to be left alone when you donāt prioritize peace. Iām perfectly happy to live a quiet life - even if that means I spend a lot of time alone. Iām just not sure how to REALLY find thatā¦to not just change one set of problems for another.
And all of this is just the tip of the iceberg. Thereās unbelievable drama at work. My youngest adult child is not doing well mentally. My beloved cat is in kidney failure - I see him going further down every day. And I just found where my demon cat has been peeing in my closet (so disgusting and makes me want to move all on its own) - so even my promise to get up and wash my sheets today has now been side-tracked by this issue that takes precedence. THIS is probably at the root of all of thisā¦this sense that I canāt get ahead - and more so, that if I try it will just cause other bigger problems to keep me knocked down. Such a pessimistic outlook. š„²
14 comments posted: Saturday, February 4th, 2023
Value vs care
From a relational perspective, what do you see as the difference between these two things? Or are they one and the same? (I know ideally weād like for them to beā¦but are they?)
If they arenāt the same and you had to choose, which would hold higher importance?
(For context, Iām still trying to internally resolve a past work place experienceā¦but itās caused me to question the distinctions.)
11 comments posted: Thursday, January 12th, 2023
New jobā¦and a surprising āset backā today
Iāve been there six monthsā¦largely going well. I like what I do and Iām good at it.
That being out of the way, I had an unexpected personal setback today that Iām trying to unravel. Today was "the meeting" with the chief boss man. Like it was some kind of freakinā initiation or something, some kind of rite of passage. Everyone spoke highly of it. Boss man does this with all the new hires (small biz - approx 80 employees). I didnāt know what to expect and didnāt really give much thought to it. Suffice to say, I wasnāt adequately prepared.
The meeting began by him telling me that this wasnāt to talk about the businessā¦that if he allowed it to veer off into that then he would be falling. It was to learn more about me as a person.
I get it. This is some kind of management style, where you appear to be in touch and approachable, connected, to your underlings - which, of course, are never to be considered as underlings.
Iām sure boss man is a genuinely nice guy. Iām not assigning nefarious motives in any way. But I felt blindsided by this. And given that "personal boundaries" have not been a strong suit in my life, it certainly didnāt become one when I was literally in a "one down" position.
I feel violatedā¦and now vulnerable. And, admittedly, even angry. Iām sure he had no idea that he was potentially stirring a wasp nest for me. And Iām left to choose between "playing the game" - which is not being authentic and should logically defeat the whole point - or have to step back into the things that have brought me to this place in my life. Maybe a heads-up would have better prepared me to walk that tightrope.
What the hell is this? And who the hell would think itās a good idea? (My own internal snark answer is "somebody that obviously has not been through enough shit in their life".). And why do you get to pry into my personal life when the crowbar is a called meeting, in the work place, and when you are a superior? Is this just a "new thing" I donāt know about??
Itās not like he opened with, "So, tell me about your recent divorce". And we also talked about a whole lot of "bullshit" stuff - kids, pets, where we went to high school. (Yawn. That alone is absolutely torture to me!). But there were also other questions that threw me - "Do you still have friends from high school?" Um, noā¦because I spent the next 30 years hiding from my psychotic XH before he died and was found 6 months later behind an abandoned building. Was that not the answer you were looking for?
Or, "What do you do for fun?" Um, I just lost my marriage and both parents in the last four years, all while trying to get my feet back under me emotionally, clear out this fucked up brain from the last 20 years, and start over professionally after a 14 year work hiatus. Did I mention I was actually suppose to be building my dream house right now and traveling? Yeah, I havenāt gotten around to the "doing fun things" yet.
Iām pissed, you guys. And surprisingly emotional. Most definitely feel I have been setback. And the whole thing seems so innocuous and insignificant to have caused this response. So I donāt know if this is a self-protective response. If itās that I feel some sort of shame. If itās one more example of where healthy boundaries are not natural to me (to be able to answer "cocktail party" questions w/o some sort of internal conflict). Or if just being asked these types of questions, in this type of situation, just caused old wounds to surface.
Or if maybe Iām just mainly upset that I felt forced to go through a "dog and pony" bullshit show where I was already the "underdog". BTDT.
21 comments posted: Friday, December 2nd, 2022
Heās remarried.
Heās remarried. I knew it was likely only a matter of time and I wondered how I would feel when it happened - and especially given that I havenāt been on the first date, have no interest in that.
I think I feel nothingā¦though my brain still seems to be struggling with it and I donāt quite understand that. Iāve asked myself all kinds of internal questions - what if he did this? What if he did that? I keep coming back to the same thingā¦thereās no heartbeat there.
And somehow that feelsā¦strange. Not a bad strangeā¦and I donāt really know why Iām posting - other than to try to figure out why my heart has seemingly resolved it but my brain is still trying to put pieces together. Not just all the pastā¦but also my current (lack of) response.
Idkā¦maybe I got to "meh" without seeing the road signs along the way so that just leaves me questioning if Iām really in Mehville. Maybe I expected my arrival to be more glorious - red carpet and the key to the city. Or maybe this is what Mehville is - where you really just donāt give a shitā¦and perhaps not giving a shit is just simply, well, boring. I donāt know. Maybe Iām just processing that he really is exactly what I learned he is because he did exactly what I expected him to do (in SO many ways!). Maybe Iāve been validated in my perceptionsā¦and since itās seems to no longer be speculation, I now have to actually process that the picture is really a true and accurate depiction.
I have one last logistical piece to get in place before I can completely cut him out of my life. (Itās what led to this discovery.). I wonder if thatās the hanging chad in my brainā¦if cutting him out completely (even when just that tiny sliver is all that remains) will be what finally frees my brain to really empty that trash bin. You know, the place you move your computer files to but leave hanging out in there until you finally have the conviction to be sure - yes, I really do want to permanently delete all of this stuff.
And then I wonder too - have I not really moved on? Do I really have no interest in datingā¦.or am I really just too wounded, too much in self-protection, to do that? Does this stick with me because it makes me feel he has moved on and I havenāt?
Iāve examined that so much and I just donāt think thatās the issue. I just have no interest in datingā¦and I absolutely have great reserve about sharing my time, space, and everything else in my life. I like where Iāve landed; my life is calm, content, and entirely my choice with little consideration for someone elseās needs or wants. Iām enjoying this freedom immensely and sincerely. Iām sure if my person showed up one day I could make the concessions and also enjoy that immensely too. Iām just not interested in kissing even one frog to get thereā¦not sure I would even do it if I knew, with certainty, kissing that one frog would ultimately get me there. So in that regard, Iām questioning if this thing Iāve longed for and worked toward so many years is even something I actually EVER really wanted - and especially now that *I* have become my person, if that makes sense.
Iād just like for my brain to quit kicking in the door, graffiting the walls, and leaving me a mess to clean up. I just wish it would let ALL of it goā¦poof. Iāve had moments where that has happened - one was an unexpected text and I was literally trying to figure out who was this (exās name) that was texting me. And once I realized it was him, I didnāt read the text and literally forgot about it for the rest of the day. So when it pops up this is something that genuinely takes me by surprise - and that pisses me off that it still has the ability to do that.
I donāt know my point or what Iām needing. I guess maybe to know if anybody else still struggles with aspects of this and any tips to overcome it. Geesh, for so long it seemed my heart was the enabler and my brain the stronger one. I really didnāt know what to do with this dynamic now!
7 comments posted: Saturday, August 27th, 2022
Best friendās son died
Iām sorry, you guysā¦I havenāt even been able to get to my last thread here and now Iām starting another one.
WHAT DO I DO??? How do I possibly help??? How do I possibly try to carry her through these next days, weeks, months, years???
WHAT DO I DO?????? (Not to mention I just started my new job TODAY!)
And where do I pull this reserve from? I just lost my other close friend last Octoberā¦and Iāve already been trying to carry what I could for her family, for her 16 year old daughter. How do I do this??? HOW???
My heart is SO brokenā¦and I am so powerless.
He left behind FOUR young children. My friend has had the two youngest for the last year - 2yo & 3yo. This whole thing has been like waiting for an anvil to fall on your head. And now it has.
Iām so FUCKING SICK OF DEATH!!!!!
12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022
Starting a new jobā¦but feeling a little āEhā
New job after not working for the last 7 months (company sold and I elected not to stay).
Good opportunity in my skill set. They want me and have offered a nice salary and sign on bonus. Hours are easy - probably less than 40/wk. Location is great - 5 to 10 min from home and I will likely also have the option to work from home at times. Iāll be working with friends from my prior company so Iām already going in knowing my main coworkers.
It is the perfect job in so many ways.
So why am I feeling so "eh"ā¦actually bordering on sadness??
I donāt have to work - so that basically means I can walk away at any time. I feel like I need to work because my self-discipline gets so lax when Iām not working. Itās not like I am going to be giving up a ton of other enjoyable activities I am currently doing. I like the industry, what I would be doing - so I donāt necessarily think thatās the issue.
It seems like it has something to do with commitment - which Iām seeing that in many other ways too (ie, not wanting to make appointments, *schedule* a dinner/HH with friends, etc). And again, itās not like I already have a full schedule so itās not a time constraint thing. I happily do NOTHING all day. Some have suggested this may be depressionā¦but I mostly feel happy and contentā¦with doing nothing - other than that has NEVER been my MO (so I feel a lot of self-imposed guilt in that area).
The other piece I am dealing with is some kind of "awareness" about death and how precious time is - especially since Iāve lost both my parents and a close friend. Something about that has totally changed my perceptive in a way thatās hard to understand. Iāll turn 55 this year and itās like Iāve become super aware of the remaining "good years" (if Im so lucky). So it feels like I need to make the most of this timeā¦while simultaneously struggling with exactly what that means (because nothing seems to actually meet that criteria).
Itās a weird place and Iām not even sure if Iāve done a good job explaining. Life is somewhat meaningless against the paradigm I once had - and thatās ok because that was all an illusion, limited concept, anyway. But at the same time, I recognize time is also precious and limited - gotta get all the juice out of the squeeze. And these two ideas seem to be struggling to co-exist.
I sure could use some help unpacking this if anyone has any insight or wisdom.
3 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022
Kidney Stones - Any experiences?
I think Iāve got another stoneā¦all the characteristics just not officially diagnosed. Every previous time it has landed me immediately in the hospitalā¦so I donāt have any actual experience with *passing* one (surgical removal - always get stuck in ureters).
So far Iām able to manage the pain of this one at home. Fingers crossed because I have really crappy health insurance right now. I had one really bad nightā¦but itās been manageable since then. Now more colicky and just a whole lot of pressure.
Any advice to maybe speed this along (other than pounding the water)? Any experiences that you can share to maybe help me figure out where I am in the process?
As always guys - thank you! ā¤ļø
5 comments posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022
Can I tell you guys something? - Vent
My first XH (not the WXh - geesh!) is dead and Iām glad.
That doesnāt fit the given PC - especially given that he had a mental illness. But I donāt fucking care. Iām sorry that heās the BIOLOGICAL father of my childrenā¦Iām sorry that I chose so poorly in that aspect (and my kids are fabulous grown adults, btw). But other than that, I finally have slept soundlyā¦and if that required him dying then so be it.
I ran into an old schoolmate tonightā¦and he brought up how sad all that was. Yeah? Iām fucking glad. But thereās no place for me to say thatā¦.now that he up and died. Heāll go down as "unfortunate". Forever memorialized as all that *could* have been. (Cracked out on heroine and his body left/not found for three months behind an old business building - how fucking sad, right?)
Hereās what it really was. He terrorized me. Caught between saving myselfā¦and trying to pick the best outcome/situation for my children. You want to know whatās really unfortunate?? My kids went to school and activities where they had a "safe word" in the event that anyone tried to pick them up unexpectedly. My elderly parents were terrorized for years with the Xās 2am phone call death threats. My dad got a concealed carry permit when he was 70 because of that. You wonder why I fell off the mapā¦why you never saw me at school reunions? I spent years in hiding. I signed papers that never allowed my kidsā names or pictures to be published in school events. I woke up disoriented from nightmares in the middle of the nightā¦afraid to look at the sleeping sounds of my new H for fear that HE was what I had dreamt.
I lost fucking years of my life because of what he was, what all he did. And I donāt give two shits that heās not still here to carry that out. But I have to nod my head and agree, yesā¦itās such a shame. But the shame is not what everybody else thinks it is.
You knowā¦sometimes when you donāt know all of it, you need to just shut up.
9 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022
Any med peeps? Took a nasty fall
So I was on a ladder last night, on my stair case, to change a stupid hvac filter that the builder somehow thought was a genius location to place it. (This already sounds like a bad "so an idiot walks into a bar" joke.
)
Iād say it was about a 10 ft fall totalā¦in slow motion - I donāt know what all I hit. But I somehow even made the turn in the staircase and landed on the floor in the room below. My recent dip manicure is now completely shot so I know I was at least fighting on the way down.
It seems to mostly be all on my left sideā¦feels like it is in sections from ankle to hip, Iām guessing where I probably hit the nose on each of the steps. I can put weight on that side so long as I stay on the inside of the foot. Certain movements send shooting pains but otherwise just an aching. Strangely, still no swelling anywhere and no signs yet of any bruising. Also strange that thereās no real tenderness to the touch. The most pain comes if Iām laying on the opposite sideā¦feels better to lay on the side I hit.
I have an $8500 deductible on my insurance which is why Iām asking here. Anything stand out as being immediately concerning?
11 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022
I have a new man in my life!
Soā¦this last month I finally decided to get online and do a little "shopping around". It wasnāt the first time I had looked, in fact had been considering it ever since my marriage ended; I just couldnāt seem to make myself get serious about it. Iāve surprisingly realized that Iām quite happy on my ownā¦but there were just some aspects I was still missing - one in particular.
Admittedly, his description acknowledged that he had some imperfectionsā¦didnāt say a lot about them, pretty vague actually. But given the stated conditions, I wasnāt expected to make any kind of commitment on the front end. He was more than happy to let me take it slow the first few months to see how I felt about him.
When I finally met him in person, he was perfect! Those acknowledged imperfections were so small, had been way overstated. I think it was mostly based on how someone in his prior relationship had described himā¦maybe someone that didnāt really understand his worth. Nonetheless, heās strong and handsomeā¦and as a plus, heās a beast in my kitchen (in a good way). It took me a little while to work through some of the initial challenges, figure out some of his minutia, but as I do, the relationship just continues to get better and better. I love him more and more with each passing day. And my friends and family think he is awesome too! Heās already most definitely a keeper!
And that one particular thing that I had been missing? OMGā¦he makes the BEST cup of java I have ever had. Itās ecstasy every morningā¦and sometimes even again later in the day.
I held on for years with the EX because he was always so good about making me coffee each morning. If only I had known how much better was out there!
He originates from Breville and identifies as a BES870XL and I found him in the warehouse deals section on a well known online site. The only problem I have now is - and why I am posting - I just need a pet name for him.
Any suggestions?
11 comments posted: Monday, January 10th, 2022
Iām happy.
Just passed the 5 year mark on XWH walking out. I had given up on happiness ever coming. Thereās also been a lot of other personal loss in that time. I sometimes just didnāt even know exactly what I was grieving. The heaviness just felt like it would never ever lift.
And yet somehow it quietly has. And what has been left is just a quiet, steady contentment. Itās actually better than happinessā¦more consistent.
I havenāt datedā¦actually have no desire. I honestly like having my own space and Iām not sure now that Iāll ever give that up again. Drama goes on all around me - some drummed up, much of it just life. At the end of the day, I close my blinds and all is calm in my own personal life. I am so very thankful for that.
For a long time I just seemed to not care about anything. It scared meā¦but I also thought maybe it was just a means by which my body and mind protected me. Sometimes though, I honestly wondered if I was just somehow broken. Thatās still present but Iāve also learned now how to appreciate itā¦perhaps Iāve just recalibrated my emotional compass.š¤·š»āāļø Stuff just moves through me nowā¦it comes and it goes. And I guess maybe Iāve learned how not to attach to anything. I just enjoy what I can because Iāve come to see that no matter what it is, there is something about it I always wonāt likeā¦But thereās also some aspect of it that I will miss once itās gone. So Iāve learned how to look for that piece and focus on that instead. Itās truly changing my whole life. Iām so thankful for the experiences in my life that have brought this perspective.
I donāt really know why Iām posting. Maybe just to say, heyā¦I think I made it. Even if it took me 16 years in total to get here. Would it have happened anywayā¦without traveling this shitty path I did? I have no ideaā¦and I donāt care. Iām here now and it is fabulous. ā¤ļø
7 comments posted: Friday, December 3rd, 2021
Cat- Litterbox Issue
Gross alert. I need help...I am losing my mind.
Two cat household...the oldest/first one is GREAT. The second one...ay yi yi. She is 6 yrs old and this is an on-going, on/off problem. She virtually will not use the litterbox to poop. She will hold it before she will poop...until she literally can't. I've seen her poop while she is running because it has "slipped up" on her. She will poop in her bed because it "slips up" on her
That can happen anywhere but it seems to mostly happen in MY bed...and even while I'm sleeping in it. It's disgusting. It's frustrating. I've spent many wee hours stripping a bed, sleeping without appropriate bedding, etc. I never know when a "gift" is going to show up. Occasionally, she will use the litterbox.
The bigger issue is the peeing outside the litterbox. It's sporadic. There will be a long stretch of appropriate litterbox use...and then there will be a couple of weeks of randomness. Leather sofas (in two separate rooms), upholstered dining room chairs (even when covered in plastic), a pile of clothes on the floor...and worse, again - my bed. Litterbox is scooped a minimum of 2 times/day
I've tried:
- multiple litterboxes
- litter preferences
- multiple Feliway plug-ins (consistently)
- a LitterRobot (f'ing $500!)
- multiple vet visits
- Scat Mats
- more/less attention
- spanking/scolding - which ironically seems to be the only thing that has any impact but I HATE it.
I'm truly losing my mind and am so desperate that I am literally thinking about looking for a cat whisperer or psychic -which only further makes me feel I am losing my mind. I have a good enzymatic cleaner - swaps one offensive smell for another, and just serves to remind me further that the sofa I am sitting on, the bed I am laying in, has been peed on by a cat. Psychologically, the moment an item is peed on, I just want to move it to the curb. I don't think I have gone "nose-blind"...but who the hell even knows?? It is making my home miserable. And it's definitely affecting how I actually feel about this cat.
Does anybody have ANY further suggestions for me? One of us is going to need xanax if this doesn't get resolved.
12 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021
My close friend died
Three weeks ago. She had just turned 50. She was also my next door neighbor.
Her H is pressuring me to become fuck buddies.
I donāt even know how to make sense of life anymore. This is my fourth death/loss in less than 5 years.
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16 comments posted: Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021