Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

In a bad place and could use some help 🥲

I’m in such a dark place and just can’t seem to get my feet under me. It’s all encompassing but it’s simultaneously all the little things that feel like the "straws". I feel like all I mutter anymore is just simply, God help me. It’s not flippant…it’s an urgent pleading. Pleading. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning.

What’s happened? Hard to explain succinctly, hard to even understand. I just feel like I have woken up in the wrong life somehow. Not because it’s not how I envisioned and planned it - it’s most definitely not. But because I can’t seem to find my way forward…toward something actually new, that feels like it fits. It feels like Life is somehow prodding me forward, away…but toward what I havent the faintest clue. And I don’t seem to be able to find a path that will open up - nor even the energy and motivation - dedication - to move toward anything because I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE what I’m even suppose to want anymore.

Let’s just start with what seems the simplest but simultaneously heaviest weight right now - my house. It’s way too big; I don’t even live in half of it. Fine. It’s been my home for almost 24 years. I need the stability and familiarity…it’s a small comfort, security. But it’s more than I can take care of. It’s not a monetary issue as much just an overwhelming demand that feels like it’s starting to fall down around me. It’s not…probably because I’m riding on the fumes of how many years it was so well taken care of. But there are things…normal maintenance things that I just can’t seem to find the means to address. Anything from floors that need mopping to rotting trim and a fence that needs attention. Just stuff…that attention and time would help. And I can neither seem to get it done nor find the people to pay to get it done. Solving one problem just seems to subsequently create two additional ones. My whole life feels like Sisyphus - and the pointlessness seems to just bring more despair and despondence - no matter how much I try to internalize the deeper message of the Sisyphus lesson. This is not who I am. I use to keep an IMMACULATE home. I simultaneously no longer care…and feel utterly lost because I can’t seem to. How can it matter so much…and yet somehow not matter enough?

My neighbor - after 20+ years - has decided she has a problem with me emptying my koi pond water onto the street that promptly flows to the storm water drain. I have had both she and her husband on my doorstep late at night, swearing, threatening - unbelievably nasty. I’ve tried to accommodate by only letting water out late at night - of which it’s completely dry before morning. We’re talking maybe once every two weeks in the warm months - like 10 times a year. I’ve looked at the situation from every perspective I can - to try to minimize any problem she may be having. I can’t see it. She’s even called the city twice on me now - who has sided with me each time. THEY don’t even see a problem. She wants me to fill in my pond. I’ve instead installed $1200 worth of security cameras. I don’t feel safe.

It’s been 15 months since my close neighbor friend passed unexpectedly. It was a tremendous emotional loss and I’m still grieving deeply. But I’ve also spent the last 14 months rebuking her husband’s dogged FWB requests. I won’t even go into it here…but it’s been a real challenge due to both the proximity issue and her teenage daughter that I’ve been trying to emotionally support. But I reached a breaking point a few months ago and cut the relationship off completely. It’s been every bit as challenging and destructive as I feared it would be - made worse by it being a neighbor.

So I’m literally surrounded…and the house seems to be the cage. Externally and internally. And I’m stuck with what life is trying to tell me. Let go, move? Or fuck em all? I just need direction, some clarity. I can go through whatever, manage whatever, so long as I know I’m on the right path. Paying dues doesn’t intimidate me in the least. But I’m lacking conviction…and I can’t make huge decisions when I’m waffling.

I also feel like I’m not asking for or expecting a lot. It’s not like I want to become a world class ballerina at 55. I just want simplicity and order. I want peace…and I want to be left alone when you don’t prioritize peace. I’m perfectly happy to live a quiet life - even if that means I spend a lot of time alone. I’m just not sure how to REALLY find that…to not just change one set of problems for another.

And all of this is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s unbelievable drama at work. My youngest adult child is not doing well mentally. My beloved cat is in kidney failure - I see him going further down every day. And I just found where my demon cat has been peeing in my closet (so disgusting and makes me want to move all on its own) - so even my promise to get up and wash my sheets today has now been side-tracked by this issue that takes precedence. THIS is probably at the root of all of this…this sense that I can’t get ahead - and more so, that if I try it will just cause other bigger problems to keep me knocked down. Such a pessimistic outlook. 🥲

14 comments posted: Saturday, February 4th, 2023

Value vs care

From a relational perspective, what do you see as the difference between these two things? Or are they one and the same? (I know ideally we’d like for them to be…but are they?)

If they aren’t the same and you had to choose, which would hold higher importance?

(For context, I’m still trying to internally resolve a past work place experience…but it’s caused me to question the distinctions.)

11 comments posted: Thursday, January 12th, 2023

New job…and a surprising “set back” today

I’ve been there six months…largely going well. I like what I do and I’m good at it.

That being out of the way, I had an unexpected personal setback today that I’m trying to unravel. Today was "the meeting" with the chief boss man. Like it was some kind of freakin’ initiation or something, some kind of rite of passage. Everyone spoke highly of it. Boss man does this with all the new hires (small biz - approx 80 employees). I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t really give much thought to it. Suffice to say, I wasn’t adequately prepared.

The meeting began by him telling me that this wasn’t to talk about the business…that if he allowed it to veer off into that then he would be falling. It was to learn more about me as a person.

I get it. This is some kind of management style, where you appear to be in touch and approachable, connected, to your underlings - which, of course, are never to be considered as underlings. I’m sure boss man is a genuinely nice guy. I’m not assigning nefarious motives in any way. But I felt blindsided by this. And given that "personal boundaries" have not been a strong suit in my life, it certainly didn’t become one when I was literally in a "one down" position.

I feel violated…and now vulnerable. And, admittedly, even angry. I’m sure he had no idea that he was potentially stirring a wasp nest for me. And I’m left to choose between "playing the game" - which is not being authentic and should logically defeat the whole point - or have to step back into the things that have brought me to this place in my life. Maybe a heads-up would have better prepared me to walk that tightrope.

What the hell is this? And who the hell would think it’s a good idea? (My own internal snark answer is "somebody that obviously has not been through enough shit in their life".). And why do you get to pry into my personal life when the crowbar is a called meeting, in the work place, and when you are a superior? Is this just a "new thing" I don’t know about??

It’s not like he opened with, "So, tell me about your recent divorce". And we also talked about a whole lot of "bullshit" stuff - kids, pets, where we went to high school. (Yawn. That alone is absolutely torture to me!). But there were also other questions that threw me - "Do you still have friends from high school?" Um, no…because I spent the next 30 years hiding from my psychotic XH before he died and was found 6 months later behind an abandoned building. Was that not the answer you were looking for?

Or, "What do you do for fun?" Um, I just lost my marriage and both parents in the last four years, all while trying to get my feet back under me emotionally, clear out this fucked up brain from the last 20 years, and start over professionally after a 14 year work hiatus. Did I mention I was actually suppose to be building my dream house right now and traveling? Yeah, I haven’t gotten around to the "doing fun things" yet.

I’m pissed, you guys. And surprisingly emotional. Most definitely feel I have been setback. And the whole thing seems so innocuous and insignificant to have caused this response. So I don’t know if this is a self-protective response. If it’s that I feel some sort of shame. If it’s one more example of where healthy boundaries are not natural to me (to be able to answer "cocktail party" questions w/o some sort of internal conflict). Or if just being asked these types of questions, in this type of situation, just caused old wounds to surface.

Or if maybe I’m just mainly upset that I felt forced to go through a "dog and pony" bullshit show where I was already the "underdog". BTDT.

21 comments posted: Friday, December 2nd, 2022

He’s remarried.

He’s remarried. I knew it was likely only a matter of time and I wondered how I would feel when it happened - and especially given that I haven’t been on the first date, have no interest in that.

I think I feel nothing…though my brain still seems to be struggling with it and I don’t quite understand that. I’ve asked myself all kinds of internal questions - what if he did this? What if he did that? I keep coming back to the same thing…there’s no heartbeat there.

And somehow that feels…strange. Not a bad strange…and I don’t really know why I’m posting - other than to try to figure out why my heart has seemingly resolved it but my brain is still trying to put pieces together. Not just all the past…but also my current (lack of) response.

Idk…maybe I got to "meh" without seeing the road signs along the way so that just leaves me questioning if I’m really in Mehville. Maybe I expected my arrival to be more glorious - red carpet and the key to the city. Or maybe this is what Mehville is - where you really just don’t give a shit…and perhaps not giving a shit is just simply, well, boring. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just processing that he really is exactly what I learned he is because he did exactly what I expected him to do (in SO many ways!). Maybe I’ve been validated in my perceptions…and since it’s seems to no longer be speculation, I now have to actually process that the picture is really a true and accurate depiction.

I have one last logistical piece to get in place before I can completely cut him out of my life. (It’s what led to this discovery.). I wonder if that’s the hanging chad in my brain…if cutting him out completely (even when just that tiny sliver is all that remains) will be what finally frees my brain to really empty that trash bin. You know, the place you move your computer files to but leave hanging out in there until you finally have the conviction to be sure - yes, I really do want to permanently delete all of this stuff.

And then I wonder too - have I not really moved on? Do I really have no interest in dating….or am I really just too wounded, too much in self-protection, to do that? Does this stick with me because it makes me feel he has moved on and I haven’t?

I’ve examined that so much and I just don’t think that’s the issue. I just have no interest in dating…and I absolutely have great reserve about sharing my time, space, and everything else in my life. I like where I’ve landed; my life is calm, content, and entirely my choice with little consideration for someone else’s needs or wants. I’m enjoying this freedom immensely and sincerely. I’m sure if my person showed up one day I could make the concessions and also enjoy that immensely too. I’m just not interested in kissing even one frog to get there…not sure I would even do it if I knew, with certainty, kissing that one frog would ultimately get me there. So in that regard, I’m questioning if this thing I’ve longed for and worked toward so many years is even something I actually EVER really wanted - and especially now that *I* have become my person, if that makes sense.

I’d just like for my brain to quit kicking in the door, graffiting the walls, and leaving me a mess to clean up. I just wish it would let ALL of it go…poof. I’ve had moments where that has happened - one was an unexpected text and I was literally trying to figure out who was this (ex’s name) that was texting me. And once I realized it was him, I didn’t read the text and literally forgot about it for the rest of the day. So when it pops up this is something that genuinely takes me by surprise - and that pisses me off that it still has the ability to do that.

I don’t know my point or what I’m needing. I guess maybe to know if anybody else still struggles with aspects of this and any tips to overcome it. Geesh, for so long it seemed my heart was the enabler and my brain the stronger one. I really didn’t know what to do with this dynamic now!

7 comments posted: Saturday, August 27th, 2022

Best friend’s son died

I’m sorry, you guys…I haven’t even been able to get to my last thread here and now I’m starting another one.

WHAT DO I DO??? How do I possibly help??? How do I possibly try to carry her through these next days, weeks, months, years???

WHAT DO I DO?????? (Not to mention I just started my new job TODAY!)

And where do I pull this reserve from? I just lost my other close friend last October…and I’ve already been trying to carry what I could for her family, for her 16 year old daughter. How do I do this??? HOW???

My heart is SO broken…and I am so powerless.

He left behind FOUR young children. My friend has had the two youngest for the last year - 2yo & 3yo. This whole thing has been like waiting for an anvil to fall on your head. And now it has.

I’m so FUCKING SICK OF DEATH!!!!!

12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

Starting a new job…but feeling a little “Eh”

New job after not working for the last 7 months (company sold and I elected not to stay).

Good opportunity in my skill set. They want me and have offered a nice salary and sign on bonus. Hours are easy - probably less than 40/wk. Location is great - 5 to 10 min from home and I will likely also have the option to work from home at times. I’ll be working with friends from my prior company so I’m already going in knowing my main coworkers.

It is the perfect job in so many ways.

So why am I feeling so "eh"…actually bordering on sadness??

I don’t have to work - so that basically means I can walk away at any time. I feel like I need to work because my self-discipline gets so lax when I’m not working. It’s not like I am going to be giving up a ton of other enjoyable activities I am currently doing. I like the industry, what I would be doing - so I don’t necessarily think that’s the issue.

It seems like it has something to do with commitment - which I’m seeing that in many other ways too (ie, not wanting to make appointments, *schedule* a dinner/HH with friends, etc). And again, it’s not like I already have a full schedule so it’s not a time constraint thing. I happily do NOTHING all day. Some have suggested this may be depression…but I mostly feel happy and content…with doing nothing - other than that has NEVER been my MO (so I feel a lot of self-imposed guilt in that area).

The other piece I am dealing with is some kind of "awareness" about death and how precious time is - especially since I’ve lost both my parents and a close friend. Something about that has totally changed my perceptive in a way that’s hard to understand. I’ll turn 55 this year and it’s like I’ve become super aware of the remaining "good years" (if Im so lucky). So it feels like I need to make the most of this time…while simultaneously struggling with exactly what that means (because nothing seems to actually meet that criteria).

It’s a weird place and I’m not even sure if I’ve done a good job explaining. Life is somewhat meaningless against the paradigm I once had - and that’s ok because that was all an illusion, limited concept, anyway. But at the same time, I recognize time is also precious and limited - gotta get all the juice out of the squeeze. And these two ideas seem to be struggling to co-exist.

I sure could use some help unpacking this if anyone has any insight or wisdom.

3 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

Kidney Stones - Any experiences?

I think I’ve got another stone…all the characteristics just not officially diagnosed. Every previous time it has landed me immediately in the hospital…so I don’t have any actual experience with *passing* one (surgical removal - always get stuck in ureters).

So far I’m able to manage the pain of this one at home. Fingers crossed because I have really crappy health insurance right now. I had one really bad night…but it’s been manageable since then. Now more colicky and just a whole lot of pressure.

Any advice to maybe speed this along (other than pounding the water)? Any experiences that you can share to maybe help me figure out where I am in the process?

As always guys - thank you! ❤️

5 comments posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022

Can I tell you guys something? - Vent

My first XH (not the WXh - geesh!) is dead and I’m glad.

That doesn’t fit the given PC - especially given that he had a mental illness. But I don’t fucking care. I’m sorry that he’s the BIOLOGICAL father of my children…I’m sorry that I chose so poorly in that aspect (and my kids are fabulous grown adults, btw). But other than that, I finally have slept soundly…and if that required him dying then so be it.

I ran into an old schoolmate tonight…and he brought up how sad all that was. Yeah? I’m fucking glad. But there’s no place for me to say that….now that he up and died. He’ll go down as "unfortunate". Forever memorialized as all that *could* have been. (Cracked out on heroine and his body left/not found for three months behind an old business building - how fucking sad, right?)

Here’s what it really was. He terrorized me. Caught between saving myself…and trying to pick the best outcome/situation for my children. You want to know what’s really unfortunate?? My kids went to school and activities where they had a "safe word" in the event that anyone tried to pick them up unexpectedly. My elderly parents were terrorized for years with the X’s 2am phone call death threats. My dad got a concealed carry permit when he was 70 because of that. You wonder why I fell off the map…why you never saw me at school reunions? I spent years in hiding. I signed papers that never allowed my kids’ names or pictures to be published in school events. I woke up disoriented from nightmares in the middle of the night…afraid to look at the sleeping sounds of my new H for fear that HE was what I had dreamt.

I lost fucking years of my life because of what he was, what all he did. And I don’t give two shits that he’s not still here to carry that out. But I have to nod my head and agree, yes…it’s such a shame. But the shame is not what everybody else thinks it is.

You know…sometimes when you don’t know all of it, you need to just shut up.

9 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022

Any med peeps? Took a nasty fall

So I was on a ladder last night, on my stair case, to change a stupid hvac filter that the builder somehow thought was a genius location to place it. (This already sounds like a bad "so an idiot walks into a bar" joke. )

I’d say it was about a 10 ft fall total…in slow motion - I don’t know what all I hit. But I somehow even made the turn in the staircase and landed on the floor in the room below. My recent dip manicure is now completely shot so I know I was at least fighting on the way down.

It seems to mostly be all on my left side…feels like it is in sections from ankle to hip, I’m guessing where I probably hit the nose on each of the steps. I can put weight on that side so long as I stay on the inside of the foot. Certain movements send shooting pains but otherwise just an aching. Strangely, still no swelling anywhere and no signs yet of any bruising. Also strange that there’s no real tenderness to the touch. The most pain comes if I’m laying on the opposite side…feels better to lay on the side I hit.

I have an $8500 deductible on my insurance which is why I’m asking here. Anything stand out as being immediately concerning?

11 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022

I have a new man in my life!

So…this last month I finally decided to get online and do a little "shopping around". It wasn’t the first time I had looked, in fact had been considering it ever since my marriage ended; I just couldn’t seem to make myself get serious about it. I’ve surprisingly realized that I’m quite happy on my own…but there were just some aspects I was still missing - one in particular.

Admittedly, his description acknowledged that he had some imperfections…didn’t say a lot about them, pretty vague actually. But given the stated conditions, I wasn’t expected to make any kind of commitment on the front end. He was more than happy to let me take it slow the first few months to see how I felt about him.

When I finally met him in person, he was perfect! Those acknowledged imperfections were so small, had been way overstated. I think it was mostly based on how someone in his prior relationship had described him…maybe someone that didn’t really understand his worth. Nonetheless, he’s strong and handsome…and as a plus, he’s a beast in my kitchen (in a good way). It took me a little while to work through some of the initial challenges, figure out some of his minutia, but as I do, the relationship just continues to get better and better. I love him more and more with each passing day. And my friends and family think he is awesome too! He’s already most definitely a keeper!

And that one particular thing that I had been missing? OMG…he makes the BEST cup of java I have ever had. It’s ecstasy every morning…and sometimes even again later in the day. I held on for years with the EX because he was always so good about making me coffee each morning. If only I had known how much better was out there!

He originates from Breville and identifies as a BES870XL and I found him in the warehouse deals section on a well known online site. The only problem I have now is - and why I am posting - I just need a pet name for him.

Any suggestions?

11 comments posted: Monday, January 10th, 2022

I’m happy.

Just passed the 5 year mark on XWH walking out. I had given up on happiness ever coming. There’s also been a lot of other personal loss in that time. I sometimes just didn’t even know exactly what I was grieving. The heaviness just felt like it would never ever lift.

And yet somehow it quietly has. And what has been left is just a quiet, steady contentment. It’s actually better than happiness…more consistent.

I haven’t dated…actually have no desire. I honestly like having my own space and I’m not sure now that I’ll ever give that up again. Drama goes on all around me - some drummed up, much of it just life. At the end of the day, I close my blinds and all is calm in my own personal life. I am so very thankful for that.

For a long time I just seemed to not care about anything. It scared me…but I also thought maybe it was just a means by which my body and mind protected me. Sometimes though, I honestly wondered if I was just somehow broken. That’s still present but I’ve also learned now how to appreciate it…perhaps I’ve just recalibrated my emotional compass.🤷🏻‍♀️ Stuff just moves through me now…it comes and it goes. And I guess maybe I’ve learned how not to attach to anything. I just enjoy what I can because I’ve come to see that no matter what it is, there is something about it I always won’t like…But there’s also some aspect of it that I will miss once it’s gone. So I’ve learned how to look for that piece and focus on that instead. It’s truly changing my whole life. I’m so thankful for the experiences in my life that have brought this perspective.

I don’t really know why I’m posting. Maybe just to say, hey…I think I made it. Even if it took me 16 years in total to get here. Would it have happened anyway…without traveling this shitty path I did? I have no idea…and I don’t care. I’m here now and it is fabulous. ❤️

7 comments posted: Friday, December 3rd, 2021

Cat- Litterbox Issue

Gross alert. I need help...I am losing my mind.

Two cat household...the oldest/first one is GREAT. The second one...ay yi yi. She is 6 yrs old and this is an on-going, on/off problem. She virtually will not use the litterbox to poop. She will hold it before she will poop...until she literally can't. I've seen her poop while she is running because it has "slipped up" on her. She will poop in her bed because it "slips up" on her That can happen anywhere but it seems to mostly happen in MY bed...and even while I'm sleeping in it. It's disgusting. It's frustrating. I've spent many wee hours stripping a bed, sleeping without appropriate bedding, etc. I never know when a "gift" is going to show up. Occasionally, she will use the litterbox.

The bigger issue is the peeing outside the litterbox. It's sporadic. There will be a long stretch of appropriate litterbox use...and then there will be a couple of weeks of randomness. Leather sofas (in two separate rooms), upholstered dining room chairs (even when covered in plastic), a pile of clothes on the floor...and worse, again - my bed. Litterbox is scooped a minimum of 2 times/day

I've tried:
- multiple litterboxes
- litter preferences
- multiple Feliway plug-ins (consistently)
- a LitterRobot (f'ing $500!)
- multiple vet visits
- Scat Mats
- more/less attention
- spanking/scolding - which ironically seems to be the only thing that has any impact but I HATE it.

I'm truly losing my mind and am so desperate that I am literally thinking about looking for a cat whisperer or psychic -which only further makes me feel I am losing my mind. I have a good enzymatic cleaner - swaps one offensive smell for another, and just serves to remind me further that the sofa I am sitting on, the bed I am laying in, has been peed on by a cat. Psychologically, the moment an item is peed on, I just want to move it to the curb. I don't think I have gone "nose-blind"...but who the hell even knows?? It is making my home miserable. And it's definitely affecting how I actually feel about this cat.

Does anybody have ANY further suggestions for me? One of us is going to need xanax if this doesn't get resolved.

12 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021

My close friend died

Three weeks ago. She had just turned 50. She was also my next door neighbor.

Her H is pressuring me to become fuck buddies.

I don’t even know how to make sense of life anymore. This is my fourth death/loss in less than 5 years.

😢😢😢😢😢😢

16 comments posted: Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021