This is really hard.
I’m not sure where to put this, but I just need to say it.
Being a single parent is really really hard and it’s really unfair that I have to do the work of two parents because my ex decided doing that work to fix the damage he caused when he blew up his (and my) life was too hard snd abandoning us was easier.
So now I’m a full time parent to three young kids, I work full time and I’m not getting child support or alimony so it’s not like I have resources like a Housecleaner or babysitter or handyman at my disposal.
And my kids are sad about it too. I can’t do everything for them that I used to as a sahm and I get that it sucks.
But man, when one of them makes a comment about how they wish something could be different it really really hurts.
My daughter got invited to a friends house on Thursday and really wants to go, but she can’t because my mom is picking up my kids because they don’t have school the next day and I have to work so she is being super kind and letting them stay at her house. And my daughter was like very outwardly annoyed and really sad by not being able to go. Even though I made plans for her to go the following week and I apologized that it didn’t work this week.
And then just off handedly my son told me he really doesn’t like how they have to walk home from the bus stop every day and how it would be nice if I could get them when it was cold and rainy. And like I get it - is like a half mile almost and it rains here a lot. But like there is nothing I can do. I would rather be there than at work too.
It just feels like I am trying so hard and absolutely doing my best and I know they will be okay and this is all stupid little stuff but it still sucks and I hate that they notice this little stuff that used to be different. I just wish I could be the mom I was before and I just can’t. I love them the same if not more but there just isn’t enough of me.
And I’m writing this sitting on my bathroom floor crying after I put my younger ones to sleep and my daughter is in her room and I have winded next to me because I need to clean but also I just apparently really need to cry. I just want to enjoy my kids and I’m really sad my life is so hard.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, January 25th, 2022
Starting to date again
How did you all know you were ready to date again? I feel like maybe I am but I really want to make sure I’m okay being alone and I’m not wanting someone because I’m lonely or to just want someone to fill some sort of void.
Im about 9 months post divorce, 18 months post physical separation and 4.5 years post DDay and we basically had an in house separation most of the time since then.
I feel like everything always goes wrong in my life and I never get the happy ending so I just assume I won’t meet someone or will get my heart broken.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
How do you get to the good part
My divorce was final in November and I am really struggling with how to get to a joyful life. I feel like everything is heavy and I'm exhausted.
I feel like my circumstances are different than a lot of people, but maybe not - my exWH has gone completely insane since I filed and then more so when our divorce was final. He recently got kicked out of the house he was staying at with a sort of mentor/pastor guy who took him in. He got kicked out of his office building for sleeping there. He got his law license suspended (he is an attorney, or was... I don't know if he can ever get that back), he was arrested for a DUI, then another one, and then skipped his court date and was arrested for a failure to appear. I have no idea where he is living and he won't return any phone calls or texts and he has burned every single bridge. I filed a missing person report after he sent me some suicidal texts and then stopped responding and I got called when he was super intoxicated and taken to the hospital. He apparently texted his last 4 friends some suicidal thing on Sunday and they hunted him down and he ran away from them and they were all like we are done. He asked one of them for a gun and he was super close to my house so I spent the next morning at the court house getting everything in order for a restraining order. And I've heard from a couple other friends that they have seen him around our town super drunk.
So its like I'm a single mom to 3 kids. My kids are hard. My middle has ADHD and intense tantrums about everything. I work full time and money is so tight because I'm obviously not getting any support from my ex. Between work and kid stuff I don't have any time.
I don't have extra money for a babysitter. I don't have non kid time to pick up a hobby. I have a great group of friends but my circle is small (due to covid and also because just going through the cluster of my life filtered out a lot of people...)
I see other divorced people date and have fun and go on trips and go on girls nights and have fun. I want that. I want to feel light and enjoy life but I cannot see that from here. I just feel exhausted and like I will live in purgatory for the rest of my life. I feel like my hope is gone.
I'm in a bunch of therapy and on anti-depressants but honestly its just like well your life is really hard right now. But it feels like there is no way forward in which is doesn't continue being hard forever.
How do I get from here to there?
9 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021
Never knowing the whole truth - how to move on
I had a random thought the other day about something shady that my ex did early in our marriage (he went to a training out of town for work and lost his wedding ring - he said he must have left it in the room because he took it off one night and then forgot to put it on the next morning and then couldn't find it - he tried to replace it without me ever knowing, but I found a craigslist ad he put in the city his trip was in asking if anyone had seen it which made me think he took it off while out and about...) and at the time it happened I had no reason to believe he was lying even though my gut told me something was off. It was one thing in a sea of really great things, so I just let it go.
Anyways I just had this weird flood of "I wonder what other crap I don't know and I wish I could just know the truth" and then the immediate realization that I will never ever know. And while a big part of me doesn't care - I realize it doesn't make a difference... but I struggle with knowing if my entire marriage was a big lie or if he was who I thought he was and then mental illness and alcoholism changed that.
Anyone deal with these thoughts?
16 comments posted: Sunday, April 4th, 2021
Let's talk about sex....
I wasn't sure where to post this, but it seems like this forum might be the best place to find people who have walked my current path and are further down the road.
I'm 2 months post legalizing my divorce, 14 months post physical separation and probably like 24 months post in house separation. We tried to reconcile for a LONG time, and I was in IC throughout the entire process so it feels like in some ways I am maybe more healed than others in my same situation and in other ways way further behind since the legal part of it is still brand new.
We were married for 11 years, dated for 6 years prior to marriage. I had sexual partners prior to my ex and always felt like I had good physical relationships with my partners (not a ton of people, but some longer term boyfriends) - I enjoyed sex and wanted to have sex. One year into our dating relationship my ex lived long distance for a summer for a job and he ended up kissing (or maybe more - who flipping knows at this point.... but he maintains it was nothing more than that) another girl while there. Once I found out I was obviously super hurt but convinced myself he just made a mistake and it was fine. I think from that though I took away that I was fulfilling this sex need for him and if I wasn't there that he would just fill the need with someone else. I started to feel a little like a commodity. And I legit stopped having a good sex life with him.
It was not not good, but it just wasn't as fun or frequent or passionate as it had been and it often felt like a duty and that wasn't a great feeling. We got married and kids and I was pregnant or breastfeeding or both for 7.5 years straight. Our sex life sucked and I think I took a lot of that on myself, thinking there was something wrong with me. My ex obviously contributed to that feeling for me - but now that I am out of it I see that much of it had to do with doing 100% of the parenting, housework and dealing with an abusive alcoholic who wasn't always nice to me and I didn't trust.
So fast forward - he has a mental breakdown, has an affair, etc. We try to reconcile and there is some hysterical bonding that occurs. It dies out fairly quickly because he is still drinking, has a mental illness, etc. But this all is about the time I stopped breastfeeding my youngest and I think the hormones plus the hysterical bonding made me realize that I actually do really like sex.
So now I am here, realizing that maybe I'm not an cold prude like my ex would have said I was, and the thought that now that I am realizing this about myself and I am alone and cannot have sex is like super frustrating. I think I wrap sex up with emotions a lot, and with the previous boyfriends even though I wasn't in love, they hadn't hurt me and maybe once my ex deeply hurt me I just could never recover from that? Or maybe it felt more like an obligation and like I didn't have a choice since I thought if I didn't he would leave me?
And I in no way want a relationship AT ALL, but I would love for someone to come over after my kids are in bed and we can have some wine and chat or whatever, have sex and then he leaves, until the next time our schedules line up and that happens again.
I feel like its so awkward to talk to my married friends and be like I just really want to have sex - they cannot relate and they don't have any advice for me so it just seems pointless. But like am I going to have to wait years to have sex again?
I don't know - is this a common stage in post divorce? How do you get through it? Ugh....
12 comments posted: Wednesday, January 6th, 2021
If you got an order of protection...
.. can you tell me what was the last straw that made you get one?
I am debating - I am actually scared but I don't want my kids doing supervised visitations in a center without me - as of now its in my home and I feel fine with him while he is here for that. Its when he is off on his own and drinking and texting and calling me.
And there hasn't been any specific threats recently - but I took the threat assessment quiz and he scored a 7 out of 10 which makes me fearful. He is just so unpredictable and irrational and I feel like everything he has ever done that escalated the situation I never thought he would do, so I am questioning why I think he won't come here and try to get in.
I did change all the locks and installed an alarm system and I have a panic button in my bedroom so I don't feel scared about him breaking in during the night.
I think I just feel scared of him and I have no idea what he will do and I just wish he would move across the country and I could see every morning that he was there and knew there was no way he could get to us that day and could exhale and not worry.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, September 9th, 2020
Small Joys In Separation and Divorce
I am finding very small joys (which mean a lot because my life is pretty crappy right now) in doing all the things that I had compromised and done my WHs way all these years my way again.
Every time I put knifes in the dishwasher I find joy because he didn't want the knifes in there - but because I did everything that meant I have hand washed them for 11 years. I finally realized he didn't live here anymore so I have started putting them in the dishwasher and not washing them and every single time its like a jolt of an F you to him and a return to my choices and freedoms.
I have been taking my kids camping and I realized on the way home last time that we had listened to the entire new Taylor Swift twice and zero classic rock and I just was so happy. And so thankful when I put in my earbuds and listened to a political podcast that he would have hated and wouldn't have wanted to listen to - and he would have found me listening to my headphones rude.
I just cleaned my bathroom and took over his medicine cabinet with all my hair stuff and everything fits finally - its like it was always meant to just be me in there :) - ( I'm choosing to focus on this instead of that I will have to sell my house and I was cleaning to get it ready to put on the market )
What little joys have you found?
8 comments posted: Friday, August 21st, 2020
Blah. This sucks.
It’s my birthday and I just feel sad I don’t have the life I wanted and I’m caught in this loop of wondering why other people get to have happy marriages and stable finances and I don’t.
My attorney emailed me the other day to say that the way my WH and I agreed to structure our judgment in regards to our house and the equity we have isn’t enforceable and they can’t draft it that way. It felt a little like going to back to square one although I know we aren’t.
My stbx WH called to wish me a happy birthday and starting crying and saying how much he missed me and I told him what the attorney had said and told him what I thought we should do instead and he said it wasn’t fair to him.
Then he begged me for another chance and said that the best thing for our finances would be to stay married and that I could fix everything by just giving him another chance.
I haven’t lost my cool on him for a very very long time but I just got really mad. Like on my birthday you are asking me to do something I have told you I cannot do. You are telling me you love me but moments before telling me it’s not fair for me to get more equity in the house even though you make 4x more than me (when I am able to get a job - I can’t even do that
Right now because I’m a teacher and the freaking schools have no jobs and we have three kids I have to homeschool next year.) it’s like he doesn’t even see that if he had the type of integrity that would be required for me to stay married to him would mean he is ready to lay down his life for us and get nothing in return and that’s obviously not happening.
It’s so upsetting. I just want to be done with it. I’m really scared he is going to just delay everything in an attempt to stay married.
1 comment posted: Friday, August 7th, 2020