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Just Found Out :
I Can’t Do This Again!

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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 5:18 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Thank you, ChamomileTea...I so appreciate your kind support...i needed to hear this tonight....that it’s gonna be ok. It just hurts so bloody much.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706370
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:58 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Thank you for the information Cooley2here, I definitely will watch it.

River, you need to continue to hang on. And remember one day at a time. During my darkest hours I would tell myself sun up to sun down was all I needed to worry about. And sometimes just taking things moment by moment was all I could handle.

It's a difficult journey that you are now on. You were traumatized by the person who you thought you could 100% trust. And he let you down.

But you also know this is all on him. He chose this path and it was never a mistake.

How long has he admitted to acting out? Seems like he has been practicing longer than a year.

My deceased WH also kept me and the kid's at a distance too so that he could continue his double life and then come home and act like this great family man and husband that he wasn't.

Believe me, you are not alone, we get where you are at. But in time it will get a little easier each day , until you find that inner strength once again. And you will. You know that you will. It's just going to take that dreaded word time.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8706380
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:50 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Riverz I am so so so sorry you are here. I too am on my second M and was betrayed in the first by an addict (compulsive gambling).

I want you to give yourself a LOT of credit for this:

I don’t care about taking care of him anymore.

YES!!!!

This is what you need right now. The best message you can give him is that YOU matter. He has to work through his own issues. You take care of you to the degree that you need - whatever that mans for you irrespective of him. First it sends the message that you count most to him, and second it sends the message that you are not going to clean up his mess.

His tears? To me they are full regret but not remorse. He got caught and he's facing being alone and facing his own consequences. He is feeling sorry for himself. He had these affairs in the first place because he is running from something inside of himself. Leave him to figure all of that out alone.

You are worth working on you. Yes having betrayal twice is horrific and seems like we cannot get past it. But as others have said, we can and even be better than before (believe it or not). You are strong. Yes you are in pain and you have to work through all of that pain. But in the end you will triumph and you will exist in the world a much stronger person.

Spend time in IC to work through all of this. I'm sending you a lot of huge virtual hugs. You can do this.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2724   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8706383
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 4:39 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

That's what started my fWH down that road too. Ultimately, I do believe that cheating is about character. It's about core values, integrity, boundaries. If a person has their values right and they're living the things they've claimed, things like Fidelity and Honesty, there's nothing that can MAKE them cheat. But I don't think my WH had really put much thought into what he stands for. Not really. When he started watching porn behind my back, I do believe he got a notion to act it out, and I think that notion got inside of him and burned and prodded until he was willing to undergo the mental gymnastics it took to give himself permission to cheat and lie.

My experience too.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 691   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8706411
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maxricomm ( new member #79388) posted at 8:21 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

River, I'm not sure what I can say to be of comfort to you although I do understand the pain. Someone else has said that BSs are the only ones who really pay the price for another's crime. It will be tempting to become bitter and/or cynical. Somehow find the strength and remember that there are men and women here that really do have your back and do understand what you're feeling. Read Joseph's Letter here in the Healing Library and check out affairrecovery.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8706437
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 9:44 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Sorry you have been put through this twice now. Me, too. Both my XW's were serial cheaters. I discovered both around 8 years in.

One thing I had to resolve was why this happened to me twice. Was I that deficient? I think I was, but not as spouse, rather in my judgement regarding my selections.

In hindsight, I overlooked a couple red flags, one, in particular being that both had been OWs to married men in the past. I knew this but had chalked it up to youthful idiocy. I was so wrong.

No one should have to go through this even once.

Do not even consider staying with this guy. You are not married and have no kids together. I bet you know the tip of the iceberg.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8706442
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:37 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I so appreciate everyone’s kind words and hugs. I really miss being held.

How long has he admitted to acting out? Seems like he has been practicing longer than a year.

Hurtmyheart, he claims he’s been into A LOT of porn for about a year, then started messaging people on some disgusting website, talking about a fantasy...but he ended up acting on it and screwing some sick bastard’s wife, while he watched. Then he claims he only screwed two escorts, but I saw MANY texts on his phone.

Initially, he denied absolutely everything, then admitted to the above. But I don’t believe him at all. I’m so sickened by his behaviour and his betrayal. How he could go through with it when lying into eyes, I will never understand.

Linus, I will never be able to trust him ever again, but sometimes I feel so sorry for him and for the love and trust I thought we had. It really felt like we were soulmates...I just want that back. I start to feel sorry for myself...I know it wasn’t my fault, but after being burned TWICE, I start to think WTAF is wrong with me?? I’m a good person. All I ever wanted was a family with a loving and faithful husband...why can’t I have that?? I’ve spent over 35 years with the wrong men...and I feel lost, depressed, traumatized, and hopeless. I’m 53...and I have to pick up the pieces of my life AGAIN. THIS BITES.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706488
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Yeah. It's definitely NOT your fault. There's something broken in a cheater's character which allows them to say "yes" to perfidy and betrayal. There's a selfishness and a lack of integrity which allows them to view us as an impediment to their plans, rather than human beings who deserve respect and agency. I agree, after his experience as a BS, he should have known, but even without that experience, they ALL should know. Hell, we learn not to abuse other people in kindergarten.

I don't know if it helps you at all, but your situation isn't necessarily unrecoverable. It's your choice though. No cheater is owed a second chance. They know they're playing with fire, no matter what they say. If you're done... that's a good choice too. But if you're not, we can help you with some pointers.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706545
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 3:45 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m done with him. The way he abused me is beyond what I can endure. And the fact that he was going to never tell me, weighs on me heavily. He did not do one redeemable thing in this whole shitstorm that he selfishly caused...not one. He was totally fine having sex with me after screwing those whores...exposing me to disease. That is utterly vile and uncaring...and he DARES say he still loves me??? Go eff yourself.

But I do feel sorry for him...he lost the best thing in his life...and he will regret that forever.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706654
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:58 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

No cheater is owed a second chance. They all seem to believe they'll beat the odds, and that's sad, because I think you're right.. he's going to regret losing you.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706661
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 2:57 PM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

I think too many of us neglect saving ourselves. Many of these cheaters are personality disordered and you just have to get out. It is sad but neccessary to survive. They will shorten your life.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8706694
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:08 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

this is horrible.

I am sorry you have endured this pain.

I know it's only been 13 days. Are you thinking of a gameplan ?

posts: 3523   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706862
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 3:37 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Thanks again, everyone, for your support...and just listening.

I know it's only been 13 days. Are you thinking of a gameplan ?

Western, at the moment, I’m still so traumatized and I’m trying to just survive the initial shock and despair of it all. I’m fairly certain there is no chance of R...i feel sorry for him, but he has some serious issues, and I just can’t allow him to abuse and betray me again...I just can’t.

He left the house right away...and so far he is being fair about not asking me for anything. Since we are not legally married, I’m hoping he will just leave me alone and allow me to rebuild my life again.

I still love him and care for him, but it’s making me so crazy to try to understand WHY. WHY did he have so effing little regard for me...he knew this would kill me...HE KNEW. There is something deeply wrong with him.

I think too many of us neglect saving ourselves. Many of these cheaters are personality disordered and you just have to get out. It is sad but neccessary to survive. They will shorten your life.

Like Linus said, these people are too effed up to stay with...I just can’t risk him continuing to hurt me...I need to get out...he has to figure out his shit and maybe be able to live a normal life one day with someone else.

The holidays have been so hard...we have not been apart for 15 years...my heart hurts so friggen much...I’m so overwhelmed by sadness over this loss.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706863
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:09 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

WHY did he have so effing little regard for me...he knew this would kill me...HE KNEW.

The answer is simple, he is selfish. He thought he could get away with living a double life. He's been exposed, and I hope for your sake he leaves you alone to heal and move forward.

One day at a time....

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8706997
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 3:57 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Thank you annb…he definitely was selfish. He just hid it so well. He took care of me in so many ways…and then to find out about the betrayal…it’s just so mind-effing.

Such a liar. It still doesn’t even seem real…I half expect him to walk through the door and come home…I miss the husband I thought I had….but it was all a lie. So overwhelmingly sad.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707006
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:39 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Riverz

If there is a good side to this, it is that now you have the ability to chose where you want to go next, an informed decision.

The cheaters ability to steal time, withhold choice, live in a secretive alternate world, is unbelievable. Cheaters Compartmentalize different parts of their life so they can do what they want. When As come to light, it at the very minimum enables the betrayed to really see their partner, the light shines in all of the dirty ugly little corners of their wayward’s hidden world. Now you have the ability to fully evaluate if this is the person your want to spend the rest of their years with.

As hard as it is, you can move out of infidelity.

I remember looking at my xwh wonder wtf is wrong with you. Now, I don’t have to look at him, and he can’t hurt me again.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8707010
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:52 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

It is so disheartening to finally realize what you thought was reality has really been a masquerade ball!

I think a WS can act in ways we see as caring, but that doesn't preclude some selfish motivation behind the act.

As an example, I contribute to the betterment of society, but I do it anonymously because it makes me feel better. My ex does the same thing, but wants everyone to know so they think she is better. It took me a while to notice this subtle difference because it is easy to project your intentions onto others. To me the fundamental difference is striving to be good versus wanting others to think you are good. The former actually improves you over time, while the later is really manipulation.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 709   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8707015
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

I am really struggling with all of this.

I just am having trouble understanding HOW he looked at me deeply in the eyes and lied…how does someone do that?

How could he look deep into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me and how much he was in love with me after all these years…he said this so many times. And now I feel so broken for the second time in my life. I feel so rejected and abandoned…and a total fool.

It’s all just so fucking painful. My heart hurts so much.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707049
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maxricomm ( new member #79388) posted at 10:51 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

River, we do care. Keep venting. Most of us had someone. Let us be yours. We can feel that pain and can carry some of it. For me, 20 yrs.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8707053
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 11:03 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

It likely doesn't help much, but so many of us have felt and survived that pain.

((Riverz))

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 709   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8707056
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