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Just Found Out :
I Can’t Do This Again!

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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

I have been following your story, Riverz. First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I don't post much these days, but your story is so much like mine I wanted to reach out and offer support. You're not alone. I understand your pain only too well.

I honestly believed he would be 100% faithful because he had also been betrayed by his first wife…I figured because he knew the painful hell of going through the aftermath of adultery…and his wife was BAD…he went through a terrible ordeal…that he COULD NOT POSSIBLY BETRAY ME!!

Check. We both came from relationships where our spouses had cheated. His ex had even become pregnant by the OM. We both knew the pain. We both promised we would never put the other through it again.

This time feels worse in many ways…I feel as though I’ve lost my soulmate and the true love of my life…it’s so sad to discover it was all lies.

Check. Yes, there were red flags (obvious in hindsight). But every relationship has its peaks and valleys. I thought we were trekking through the valleys together, because of the promise we had made to each other. To find out he betrayed that promise - which likely caused us to be in the valley - was nearly unbearable. I was right where you are, and I'm 2 years out now.

We had planned to retire in a few years and travel. Now I’m so lost.

Check. Having your future upended like this (I am also in my 50's) is beyond devastating. I know that exciting feeling of planning for retirement together, daydreaming about the travel, putting finances in order...and then having the rug pulled. It's shocking, and disorienting, and very difficult to put right. I'm here to tell you, it can be put right. You can get through this and your heart will heal.

At 2 years out, I'm not completely healed, but I am doing my best to get there. I travel alone, and I love it! I would never have believed I would enjoy solo travel because my X and I traveled so well together. I say this as an example of how you will discover a you that you didn't know existed. Or a you that was lost a long time ago. It probably doesn't feel that way right now, but please know there is hope.

And now, if I may offer some advice. One of the hardest things I had to do in the midst of my grief was to settle finances. We owned property together and had many joint possessions after 23 years together. As hard as it will be, if you're set on separating from him, you'll want to do this sooner rather than later. While he's still in the throes of regret and self recrimination, he is much more likely to be generous. Later, when the fog clears, he may become angry and obstinate. Please secure your finances as soon as possible. You have to take care of you.

Your situation is truly awful, and you will survive and thrive just as you did before. This part is hard. So very hard. We are here with you.

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8707620
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

BentandBroken, omg…thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was so emotional to read but it made me feel less alone…our experiences are so similar.

Could I pm you sometime?

I collected his few things and put them in bags…he came to pick them up last week. He transferred one of the joint car ownerships to me (that was hard because we had to go do that together).

He hasn’t asked me for anything. He did so much in the house and it kills me to look at it all…I am hoping to move out of the province with my adult children (hopefully they all come) in a year or two. It’s something we planned to do together…to move out west…he said he’d follow me anywhere :(

He’s very distraught over losing me and is trying to "help" me with things. I’m trying today to get through talking to insurance brokers without breaking down…I need my own insurance now.

He seems humble, broken, and remorseful…but he’s also a fucking liar and cheater…so I’m trying to remember that. And to keep in mind the hell he’s putting me through and his cruel betrayal of me, whenever I feel the slightest compassion for him.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707659
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Riverz, you are doing a great job keeping your head straight and taking care of business while in the midst of all this pain. A testament to your strength.

Yes, PM me any time. I also saw tears, regret and offers of help from my X in the immediate aftermath of D-Day. That's all your ex has to offer. You're doing well to focus on the one thing you needed, the one thing he promised but couldn't deliver... fidelity.

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8707665
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 6:10 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

BentandBroken, thank you for your kind words. They brought me to more tears. I don’t feel strong…I feel like a fucking mess…an abandoned piece of trash…unloved, uncared for, and worthless…oh, and a huge fucking fool!

My heart hurts so fucking much.

Also, I don’t think you’re signed up for PMs.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707689
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AndJustLikeThat ( new member #79715) posted at 7:37 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

"He seems humble, broken, and remorseful…but he’s also a fucking liar and cheater…so I’m trying to remember that. And to keep in mind the hell he’s putting me through and his cruel betrayal of me, whenever I feel the slightest compassion for him."

This! Exactly this is what I am dealing with. He even had a tenacity to ask me for a "hug" when we were texting the other day. He said all the same things he said the last time. Oh, but his time was different, because it was his past flame that stirred up his emotions and poor him, got swept under "her spell". He told me this would not have happened and would never happen with anyone else. wtf? seriously!

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8707720
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 9:48 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

AJLT…WHAT A LYING MOFO HE IS!!!! How stupid do these betrayers think we are???

He’s not taking any responsibility…but he’s blaming other people and circumstances…EFF RIGHT OFF.

Luckily you see right through his horseshit.

Stay strong, girl. You and I have bigger and brighter futures ahead! (Even though I barely believe that at the moment :(

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707775
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:29 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Riverz, even though you are hurting, I think your anger will move you forward.

You've been through this before, you understand your self-worth.

You deserve a faithful partner. I don't care if you are 30 years old, 40, 50, or 80. Someone who has your back.

Keep on keeping on. You will get there, maybe at a turtle's pace, but you will get to the place where this guy is just a blip on your radar.

I don't recall if you are in IC, but I think a good IC will help you get back on track with your life. Be sure to get support from family and friends and don't keep yourself isolated, meet with friends, get your nails done, go for a quiet walk, enjoy a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop, anything to get you out of the funk, even if it's just temporarily.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8707814
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 12:34 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Thank you, annb…I appreciate your support…I am going to IC, which is good. It’s a place to vent and be heard and get some clarity.

I’m really not speaking to anyone else other than here. I’m not ready to talk to my friends or anyone else about it just yet…it’s just too raw.

I’m also having trouble going out…I’m too emotional and just start sobbing uncontrollably at random times. I know it’ll get better with time.

I am so blessed to have found this group of kindred betrayed spirits <3

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707836
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:23 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I’ve been feeling so gutted…I’m still in so much shock that he could completely betray me like this. How??

I have reels of memories that keep playing in my mind of him looking at me in the eyes and making those promises of fidelity OVER AND OVER again. Making me feel special, loved, cherished…only to be utterly betrayed by him.

My heart and soul feel literally ripped from my existence.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708037
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 11:30 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Everything you're feeling is valid. You've been betrayed so horribly. The memory reels will keep playing for a while. Also normal, and part of getting through this.

Keep posting. You are safe here.

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8708060
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 12:18 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Riverz, you have been heard...

I’m still in so much shock that he could completely betray me like this. How??

I have reels of memories that keep playing in my mind of him looking at me in the eyes and making those promises of fidelity OVER AND OVER again. Making me feel special, loved, cherished…only to be utterly betrayed by him.

How? Because your WS wanted to, felt entitled to do what he did, allowed himself to do what he wanted, never enough of what he had, flawed and weak character, allowed himself to play mind games with you without empathy and compassion... It is really difficult to believe that human beings can behave like this, but I'm not surprised anymore. It is really really sad, and you'll get to the moment of acceptance of who your WS really is... The pain is excruciating, however, this too shall pass crying
Be gentle to yourself, you could do nothing to prevent this

(((Riverz)))

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8708074
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:49 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Yes, our poor brains trying to make sense of things that make no sense. All the words that provided comfort now only bring pain. It made me mad too, thinking of the baloney he said.

We believed because we trusted. Not our fault the other person was selfish and cruel.

I thought now everything is gone. I was afraid of loneliness. Just a horrible reality instead of the happy future I thought I'd have. My hair was falling out and I was crying all the time. Couldn't eat. It's the most stressful thing to have this happen.

You will have a great life though. You will go get it for yourself.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2275   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8708146
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 2:59 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Texted with my WS last night.

I try not to communicate much because it’s painful and there’s nothing to say since he’s moved out.

But I needed to tell him again how much his betrayal has devastated me.

He seems very remorseful, blames himself, believes he has a problem, and says he was not in his right mind when he screwed those women. He became addicted to porn and was overtaken by urges he couldn’t control.

He probably has some kind of SA. This sounds harsh but I don’t give a shit. He had plenty of opportunities to stop his behaviour…especially in the beginning with the porn. He knew it would be a problem for him, but continued it.

In his moments of clarity, he should’ve gone for help, should’ve talked to me about it before those urges became physical, before he crossed that solid line…that is where I cannot come back from. As bad as the porn is, I would’ve been able to stay and help him through that addiction…but not after what he’s done with the other women.

I just can’t. He says he wishes it could be fixed…he hints at wanting a chance without actually asking me directly. He is going for therapy and said he’s started praying again…good for him. I told him he should’ve done these things BEFORE he fucked around…BEFORE he devastated our lives. He still professes his love for me, but I keep telling him that true love wouldn’t have hurt me…true love would have sought help before things got "out of control".

He had ZERO regard for our relationship, his commitment to me, my health, my security, our future, our love….didn’t give a shit about anything but acting out his urges. THAT IS NOT LOVE.

I know and understand that SA can be an actual condition…but once he touched another woman and lied and deceived me…I’m done. He had chances to turn things around and HE CHOSE NOT TO. HE MADE THE CHOICES. SA is not an excuse for betraying your faithful loving spouse.

I love him, but I just can’t live that life…thinking of what he did, waiting for him to do it again. I just can’t.

And I’m so brokenhearted by it all.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708223
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:16 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

And I’m so brokenhearted by it all

.

You are strong and have a lot of clarity. You know what you can and can't live with. You set your boundaries early on in your relationship. And apparently he didn't believe that you would follow through and end the relationship, if he ever cheated.

Well, now he knows who you are... a person of your word. Too bad he isn't. He couldn't even keep his promise of faithfulness to you, especially after knowing how devasted you were when your first husband cheated on you.

As hurtful as it is right now, you will get through this and in time your heart will heal and you will slowly build a new life full of love and contentment around you. The intense pain is only temporary. You just need to get through the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster.

I didn't think the intense emotional pain would ever end either but I am beginning to feel some relief and a calm is beginning to settle over me.

These were their choices but fortunately their choices don't get to have a grasp on our lives forever.

Just keep taking care of yourself, River

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8708338
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 5:28 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Thank you so much, HurtMyHeart.

I know I can’t live with his betrayal…but I’m torn between the love and compassion I have for him, plus the close bond I thought we had, and his vile deceit, lies, and betrayal.

Part of me is torn between wanting to help support him through his SA or whatever the eff it is, and the other part of me wants to run like hell because I just can’t be hurt again.

I’m having trouble staying focused on MY healing. I’m feeling so overwhelmed by the grief of the huge loss I feel. He was my comfort…my "home"…my security in every way. Now all that is gone in what feels like a car crash…no warning.

My heart and soul are so broken.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708343
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:31 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

You don't need to make any decisions on anything right now. And it's still early. And from my own experience if there is even an inkling of him getting better and the two of you healing, then he needs to be completely open and honest with you about his past indiscretions. Otherwise, you will end up spinning your wheels and never have a chance at R. And this is why I mentioned the timeline and poly because I had a feeling that you were on the fence about what you wanted to do.

Couples CAN get through this but of course and as you know, he would have to put the work in to make this happen. And you also would need to be willing to accept and support his change and emotional and psychological growth. Lots of intense counseling and his wanting to do it and to not have to be forced by you.

But again the possibility begins with full disclosure and honesty from here on out. And I also would highly suggest a poly and don't allow him to talk you out of it like I allowed my now deceased WH to do. And he gets to pay for it.

And if he isn't willing to give you the 100% truth and also put the work in for change, you have nothing to work with. And he really needs to understand this.

My deceased WH and I had the opportunity to have a beautiful life together moving forward but his guilt, shame and his not wanting to come forward with honesty and complete disclosure shut those doors for me.

I think he was already at the point of no return anyways. But I did try to get him to open up but he refused to, so there really was no hope for me to heal and to have trust for him ever again. It's so sad because I loved and enjoyed being with him when he wasn't acting out. He had a lot of great qualities but his dark side took over and then there really wasn't anymore hope to rebuild a loving trusting relationship because he wasn't really wanting to change (notice that I said wanting to change because they really have to want it for themselves first) my walls were probably never going to come down for me.

Maybe let him know that he has one last chance to be completely honest with you, back it up with a timeline and poly and intense therapy to see what his response is. And also see how you feel. In the meantime, all you can do is to take things one day at a time. I'm just not sure in your case about moving in at this point because then he may try and sweep everything under the rug and try to get you to just let it go.

I'll be rooting for you whichever path you decide on, River. Neither decision is right or wrong. You get to choose.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8708354
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:47 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I understand your pain. It's brutal. My deceased WH came somewhat clean in a round about way and told me in a round about way that he had at least 10 other AP. Told me that he loves loose women. The more I think about it though, I believe that the numbers were a lot higher than he admitted to.

When he was still alive and was close to the end of his life here on the physical earth, I saw him do some of the strangest behaviors to the point I didn't even recognize him anymore. It was so bizarre. And I also could see the shift in his demeanor and in his EYES when he was acting out. It was very heartbreaking and still is for me.

So sad to love someone who is so sick in the head but could hide it so well. But I've also come to understand that I ignored the early red flags in the beginning of our relationship, partly because I was already hooked. And I also thought that it was just a passing phase. I was so wrong about him and my thoughts too.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8708357
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 9:29 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Thank you, HMH…I so appreciate your gracious and wise support.

Sometimes I feel like a damn broken record posting on here (although I guess I am pretty broken).

My doctor said something to me this week that kinda hit home. I was saying how I wanted to understand HOW IN THE FUCK someone who claims to love you, who claims to be faithful, who claims to be your soulmate, can utterly betray and destroy you??? This question is killing me because I just can’t understand HOW?!?!?!

She said I can never understand HOW because I’m not like him. I am loyal, loving, compassionate, kind, with a strong sense of morals and boundaries. So I can’t possibly understand HOW OR WHY he betrayed me so deeply. I can never understand what that’s like because I WOULD NEVER DO IT. It’s not in my fucking DNA to betray someone I love and cherish and am committed to…NEVER.

I try to cling to that small piece of wisdom when the WHYS and the HOWS haunt me.

I am trying to get through this one minute at a time. Thanks to all of you for your kind understanding and support. <3

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708403
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:11 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

The reason you want to know why is because you feel so helpless. Controlling the narrative gives us some feeling of power. He is what he is. He did what he did. And because he wanted to. People lie all the time. We think good people never lie but they do. It starts in childhood. Some people are masters at it and so good that they can look you in the eye and lie. Don't continue down that road. You will drive yourself crazy.

I use to follow a blog written ny a man(middle aged) who started an affair with a younger co-worker. She eventually dumped him, reconciled with her husband, and told his wife. You have never read such angry words. He is very good at writing. His blog pulled in lots of cheaters. It is nauseating to read all their pooer me stories. His wife eventually dumped him. So sad, too bad.

You need to plan for your future. Right now everything is overwhelming. I tell lots of posters to just do what needs to be done next. Then go to the next one and do that. Looking at the big picture is more than you can take in.

Be sure to stay hydrated. No alcohol. Try eating something. Don't over do it. And do the next thing.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8708433
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

She said I can never understand HOW because I’m not like him. I am loyal, loving, compassionate, kind, with a strong sense of morals and boundaries.

Yes you are and that is why you'll need to protect yourself going forward. And not be so trusting to anyone that feels like a threat to you, especially right now. Watch your back.

This won't happen to you again because you are taking steps to understand the why's and also to heal yourself. And just as before, you know that you need to go through the emotions to get to the other side of this.

But this time you are not opening yourself up to another man and instead you have reached out to SI and a therapist for support. And that right there is growth. But I also feel that it is pertinent that you also find other in real life people (family, close friends, no other men Haha) to lean on to help get you through these difficult times. Having others to lean on was an absolute lifesaver for me. It saved my life. And to be honest, other men did try to pick up on me while in my darkest hours. Heck no.

You are still strong. You may be emotionally weak and vulnerable right now but you are also strong. Keep that in mind. And like Colley said, do the next indicated step and try not to take on more than what is necessary.

I hope that you can take a break and get some rest for yourself tonight. I promise you that you will get through this and come out even stronger and better on the other side of this. You will. Promise. Just hang in there, day by day. Sun up to sun down. You've got this.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8708459
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