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Just Found Out :
I Can’t Do This Again!

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:02 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Thank you, Cooley2here and HMH...I appreciate your support and uplifting words so much.

I still have darker moments than bright ones right now, but I know it’ll get brighter as time moves on.

Saturday is three weeks since d-day...so gut-wrenching to think about. So much loss, so much pain.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708467
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 5:21 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

HOW IN THE FUCK someone who claims to love you, who claims to be faithful, who claims to be your soulmate, can utterly betray and destroy you??? This question is killing me because I just can’t understand HOW?!?!?!

This is likely a core question that most BS's wrestle with after betrayal.
This question HAUNTED me for weeks and weeks.

Your doctor's answer was very wise, and I'm so glad it has helped you find some relief.

I can never understand what that’s like because I WOULD NEVER DO IT. It’s not in my fucking DNA to betray someone I love and cherish and am committed to…NEVER


I would add possibly one more layer. This is a perspective that helped me--an understanding that it took me some time to come to:

Wayward spouses' thinking is EXTRAORDINARILY self centered.
When I asked myself, "How could he do this to me? To us?" the answer was: "He wasn't thinking about me or us. He did this for himself--for reasons that served only him.
When he was cheating, he really wasn't thinking about me at all. He was working HARD to not allow himself to connect his cheating actions to me or to our relationship. He only allowed himself to think about how it was making him feel good about himself."

So, completely self focused and compartmentalizing to a degree that led to destruction--for me, within our relationship, and within him too (which he recognizes now, but not then.) He worked hard to not connect those dots then...or he would have had to stop cheating and he would have had to actually feel worse again by facing the shame & destruction.

So, my WH's fundamental "whys" are: being self centered, avoiding shame & anything that might make him confront that someone thinks less of him, needing to build self esteem that truly comes from himself (self love).

Ultimately then, I had to wrestle with the next questions:
-How could my H be SO self centered?
-How could he compartmentalize to the point of this much destruction?
-How could he be so broken in ways I didn't see in the 35 years we knew each other?
-How could he be SO avoidant?
**Could he/would he engage in the personal work necessary to become safe?
***Did I care to stick around?

So, answering that initial "how could he???" question led to more, but IMO better and more specific questions that got to the heart of the matter. These questions helped me feel more confident in the actions I took. I still circle back to these questions to check in with whether I'm happy with what I'm choosing.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 183   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8708529
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Thanks for your insight, BB.

Clearly in order to betray a loved one the betrayer must not have a "sound mind"...they are fucked up...there is something really WRONG with them - whatever that may be. Because betrayal is not "normal" behaviour or a "normal" mindset.

One simply CANNOT do those actions - the lies, deceit, emotional and sexual betrayal, gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse, risk the wellbeing and health of your partner, WHILE ACTING AS IF EVERYTHING IS FUCKING FINE!

To day is my 3 week d-day...in just a couple hours, 3 weeks ago today, my whole world fell apart. It’s just so fucking painful. I was happy...we were happy 3 weeks ago right now...the loss and grief is so wretchedly agonizing. I feel so lost.

[This message edited by Riverz at 8:31 PM, Saturday, January 8th]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708564
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 1:25 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

It was strange after my WS and I lived apart because I looked at him with new eyes. I was listening and watching. I began to see that he lied all the time. I'd go over to work in the garden and I'd say things I knew the truth about and he'd lie effortlessly over things that mattered so little. He lied by omission and constantly minimized too. I bet if you could look back, you would see things like that.

This is a sometimes hot topic here but I believe when they are watching porn, they are acting out in their mind a kind of infidelity. Pretending they were with someone else. Then they need more and wilder stuff to get the same brain response. Their appetite has changed. The internet has it all. A new person every day and every kink you can imagine.

Who can compete with that circus?

Would they ever want to return to what they view as boring?

So many amazing things to do and learn on this beautiful earth and people enslave themselves to this. Is is so great that they are willing to sacrifice everything they have and a wonderful future for it? People are enslaved over this. It's gone too far.

It makes me mad. I wish it wasn't everywhere then maybe our stories wouldn't be what they are.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2365   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8708615
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 3:32 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

PureHeartKit...I think you’re right...I believe the addiction to porn started all this...but there is something seriously wrong with him to have chosen to immerse himself in that disgusting fantasy world long enough for it to get out of hand...and HE CHOSE to take it to the next level...he could’ve asked for help...he could’ve confessed his betrayal then, BEFORE he decided that screwing other women was acceptable.

I just feel so fucking sad...I’ve been in bed pretty much all day...I just finished listening to the audio book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, and it was good.

Tomorrow is a new day...I have to keep reminding myself that I am facing a new life without him in it...but the reality of it is so hard...I’m just so broken.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708632
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Faithfinder ( member #79750) posted at 3:50 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Riverz- you are loved! From one betrayed sister to another. We are all here on this forum for each other. Your a beautiful soul! They don’t deserve you!
Hugs!

Me: BW- 45
Him: WH - 50
AP -26, coworker
DDay10/3/2021, now engaged to OW 01/01/22
Married 17 years, together 21 years
3 kids
served separation papers 1/22

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2022
id 8708636
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:08 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Thank you, Faithfinder…I feel so unloved right now…these feelings of abandonment and rejection are so painful. I know it hurts so much because of how much I loved him and how strong I was attached to him…and it destroys my soul to know that he was able to betray me…he betrayed our bond.

I know I just have to get through this…I need to believe there’s peace, healing and hope on the other side. This fucking sucks so much. I DID NOT DESERVE THIS…I did not deserve this twice in my life. I’m a good person…a faithful person. I just wanted a faithful loving husband who would cherish me.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708641
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 5:36 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Yes, Riverz, you are a good, kind and loyal person. This kind of betrayal is beyond your understanding, because you're not the broken person he is. You may never wrap your mind entirely around it. We've all been there, and we've all tried. Eventually you'll get to acceptance. We are here to walk that road with you.

Nothing about you caused this. Please try to remember that.

[This message edited by BentandBroken at 5:40 AM, Sunday, January 9th]

20+ year relationship; Never officially married
Dday November 2019
4 wonderful grown children
WH multiple APs, currently involved with married COW
Kicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 329   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8708652
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 1:51 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Thank you so much, BAB...I’m trying to keep telling myself that...that he’s the one who’s fucked up and chose to break our sacred boundaries, our love, our bond, our commitment. Not that it makes it less painful.

I hope I can work towards acceptance sooner than later...thanks for your support.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent my sorrow and grief...it’s just so overwhelming at times.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708675
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 6:37 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

(((Riverz)))),

you're heard and understood....

Think about what you wrote for a moment...

we were happy 3 weeks ago right now...

The probability is very high that your WH was NOT happy 3 weeks ago, he was not happy at the start of his addiction. You were happy with him because you didn't know his dark side. Now his dark side has opened up to you. You had an illusion of his happiness. This is reality. Painful, hurtful, confusing, irrational...

You could do nothing to prevent this, you could not control him and his behavior.

Also, have you seen your Dr. to schedule tests for STD's to make sure that your health is not in danger and not compromised in any way?

Hugs!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 6:38 PM, Sunday, January 9th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8708731
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 7:22 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Thank you, TIP…you’re right…it was an illusion of happiness…something I have to work through, and come to terms with.

My STI results took two weeks to come back…I’m all clear for now…need to redo the HIV again in six months.

Need to just get through this utter sadness and grief. :(

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8708737
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 7:44 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Last night I told him that I feel like he raped me. That because of his deception and lies, withholding the information that he screwed other women, including prostitutes, I was unable to give proper consent to agreeing to having sex with him.

There is no way in hell I would’ve had consentual sex with him IF I KNEW he screwed those women and exposed me to STI/Ds.

This is rape by omission or deception.

He didn’t even have the fucking decency to get tested before sleeping with me…he is a pig…a disgusting POS with ZERO love or respect for others. He’s an abuser and a user.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709105
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:51 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Hi, Riverz, I understand how you feel. There aren't any words to describe how thoughtless and selfish these WS are.

The embarrassment of going to the doctor to get tested for STDs is just another punch in the gut. I know they see it all the time, but this time it was ME. sad

Even though you are still hurting, one of these days the weight of his a$$holeness will be lifted and you will look back and be glad you got rid of the 200-lb bag of sh*t.

The thing is, none of them think they will ever get caught. It's like a little game they play with our lives, our family's lives, and their own life.

I hope day by day he gets smaller and smaller on your radar and you can begin heal in peace.

posts: 11574   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709344
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 9:23 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Thank you, annb...your words bring me comfort.

It’s so painful when you love with your whole heart and form strong attachments to your spouse, and then they callously betray you.

I’m trying hard in the midst of my anguish to detach myself from him in every way...I’m not sure how the fuck to do it, because I still feel love for him...and I miss him...even though the loving, faithful husband I thought he was, was a LIE...an illusion.

So one day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Very grateful to all of you for listening and offering your kindness in helping me heal. <3

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709356
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:24 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

It’s so painful when you love with your whole heart and form strong attachments to your spouse, and then they callously betray you.

I think the best thing you can do with that is to remember that YOU were always genuine.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5767   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709475
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:38 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Knowing HE was cheated on and understands that pain and trauma makes his decision to cheat even more painful.

So sorry for you. You deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:39 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709486
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m trying hard in the midst of my anguish to detach myself from him in every way...I’m not sure how the fuck to do it, because I still feel love for him...

Riverz, try to write a list of newly discovered/opened to you his character traits. Ask yourself if you want to have the man with those traits close to your heart and remain your H?

((((Riverz))))

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8709575
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

CT, Yes I WAS genuine! He was NOT. He’s a liar, abuser, deceiver, betrayer.

1st Wife, yes, that reality brings me such pain. There is no way to understand it. And I do deserve better!

TIP...you’re totally right...when I look at what he was capable of doing in his betrayal, there is no way I want anyone like him close to my heart or in my life He had my heart, but now I’m trying hard to detach from him.

It’s just so hard because we really seemed to have a connection...a bond...a true love...so now I’m so tormented by his previous words and actions...like the loving things he would say to me all the time...how he would hold me so tight and tell me how much he loved me...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?

I feel like such a tormented soul...so used, discarded, and deceived. It’s almost been four weeks since d-day...but a good part of me is still in shock.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709624
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:56 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Today my colleagues sent me flowers...they just wanted to brighten up my day. They know I’m off on a leave, but they don’t know why.

Receiving the flowers triggered me. On my birthday in November, my treacherous spouse was still working away from home and he sent me the most beautiful flowers ever...I was so happy...the card said "To my beautiful brown-eyed beauty".

On d-day, when the shit was going down and I was reading texts on his phone, he had messaged prostitutes before and after my birthday. He denied fucking anyone after early November, but as we know, cheaters are fucking liars.

I feel so devastated by everything. Even the joy of receiving flowers is tarnished by his betrayal.

I wish I could be more angry...but I’m just so gutted by everything he has done. My heart and soul are so broken.

[This message edited by Riverz at 6:35 AM, Friday, January 14th]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709721
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 5:54 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I was exactly where you are now, 13 years ago. I felt the same conflicted emotions, knowing I didn't have the whole story, but just enough to know it was disgusting and devastating. It felt like an assault, and it was. Double whammy of trying to detach from the mirage of what I thought life was supposed to be like with him, still loving him but knowing I had to get out or I'd lose my damn mind.

It's extra-tough because it's after the holidays and we're in the middle of a pandemic, so my heart goes out to you dear lady.

My life is so much better now, just very simple and only me to worry about. I have a nice apartment that I rented because it suited me and I didn't have to negotiate with him about this and that, I just rented it and I've been here nine years now.

I have fabulous old friends and a reasonably comfortable retirement, without the stress of being with someone unhealthy and only going downhill as we age. My ex had to have a double knee replacement about five years after I booted him out, and I wasn't the one who had to look after his ass LOL. So glad I got to skip that chapter. rolleyes

I know it's all shit right now, but little by little, baby steps, you'll see colour start to bleed back into your life. It's going to take awhile, but keep doing the work and you'll get there.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21508   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8709723
Topic is Sleeping.
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