I'm so glad that you reached back out again River, you had me worried for a moment.
Surviving infidelity is VERY, VERY difficult. Not for the faint at heart. I'm surprised I have made it this far after what my now deceased WH put me through for a good part of our marriage... and then he died less that two years ago. So that even complicated things even more after the discoveries of who he was... I barely made it out of bed the first year after his death. It was such a nightmare what he put me through... dating back to 2012 when his level of drinking and irradic behavior took itself to a whole new level. It was crazy making to say the least.
I am now coming up on two years (March) post his death and I'm still finding myself in bed A LOT! But I don't care because I am healing after a major trauma. I deserve to heal and find my happiness once again and so do you!
I am so bored with the lying around though which I'm finding to be a good sign, and know that I will get up and soar once again, when I am ready to. And I am also allowing myself to heal. And another thing is that I don't cry so much anymore. I'm more exhausted than anything and I'm sure this too will run its course. Everything just takes TIME, TIME, TIME!
Allow yourself time to get through the worst of this and you too will come around and begin to shine again.
One thing I have learned on my journey is that I don't automatically give others my trust anymore. Lol People may try to take advantage of my good will but they also soon discover that I am no longer so willing to play those games anymore.
I am sorry that your partner in life felt it was okay to take advantage of your good will. He is a fool just as mine was. But we also need to wisen up, take care of ourselves and our needs first. Get ourselves and our minds well again and then move forward. If you decide to lean on others IRL as you figure your new reality out, make sure that they are safe people. Trust is now earned instead of automatically given.
I can't believe I've been dealing with my now deceased WH issues and behavior for so long now. I think it's been at least 15 years since he really plummeted and went down the rabbit hole with the drinking. I can now see why he had a drinking problem, it was because he was so full of guilt and shame for what he was doing behind my back. And unfortunately, fortunately by the grace of God I've been set free from the madness my now deceased WH created in my life. And after all of this time, I am beginning to be able to let go of the heartache and I believe that I am moving into forgiveness. We and life are constantly evolving if we allow it to.
Am I happy over the outcome of his death? Hell no! I would rather have had him get well and to turn his life around. But unfortunately this was not to be the case, he was too far gone into his addictions, I don't believe that he really wanted to save himself in the end. He felt doomed.
Those with addictions are mentally sick and addictions come from a place of evil. And the stronghold of addiction takes the drive "out" of the addict to want to climb out of the darkness and want to succeed and turn their lives around. Addiction is that strong and comsumming of the mind. It takes the addict getting to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of his life and hitting rock bottom to want to turn his life around. Understand this. I've known a lot of addicts in my time and no matter what the outcome is, the addict never comes out of it without some sort of damage whether it is physical, mental or psychological.
Take care of yourself! I drank protein drinks because I couldn't eat and I had lost so much weight. I also continued going to the gym and mainly lifted weights. My therapist sucked. Actually, a lot of therapists suck when they try to help us to overcome the trauma of infidelity because they really don't understand. Ugh Anyways, she was no help, most of them I reached out to didn't have a clue about addictions, infidelity orntrauma.
I attended Alanon meetings and dropped in at AA meetings and also found a few Sponsors from Alanon to lean on. And eventually I found this site. I couldn't deal with this on my own... everything was just too overwhelming. Scary in the beginning but a normal response.
You are on a journey, River and the more support and help you can get, the better off you will be. And there is nothing wrong with taking an antidepressant. I still do because my deceased WH caused me so much mental anguish that I developed PTSD and will probably have to deal it for the rest of my life. But with meditation, an antidepressant, gym, my horse, shopping, SI and other outlets, I feel that I am learning to find value in my life again.
You can get through this River, but you will also need time for healing. Your partner broke your heart and turned your world up side down and you now are in grieving. And grieving is a very difficult process which is not linear, more like emotions are all over the place and all at once sometimes too. When my world as I knew it began to fall apart, I was so scared and started having panic attacks. I consider this to be a normal response to trauma too.
If I can somehow get through each day, so can you. F*** THEM!!! None of us wanted this to be our lives but sadly here we are!! Don't let his sh** get the best of who you are!
I don't know what your beliefs are but from my point of view, God's got my back and I 100% believe he has a plan for me. And I'm pretty sure that he has a plan for you too.