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Just Found Out :
I Can’t Do This Again!

Topic is Sleeping.

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 6:37 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Thank you, FF...I so appreciate your words. They brought me some comfort. <3

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709728

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I am a wreck. I can barely get out of bed and hardly leave my room. I’m barely eating and crying all the time. Today is four weeks since d-day, and I just can’t get passed the agonizing grief of this betrayal and loss.

Last night I talked to him…maybe I shouldn’t have. We both cried and he sounds remorseful…telling me how much it’s killing him what he did to me…and how he destroyed so much…but he also lied so much…I can’t trust him.

He’s going to therapy and he talked a little bit about why he thinks he betrayed me…it sounds complex…and a huge part of me doesn’t really give a shit why…you chose to do it…that’s the bottom line. No one forced you or put a gun to your head. YOU CHOSE IT KNOWING IT WOULD KILL ME.

I keep asking him for the whole truth and he has only volunteered what I’ve specifically asked. I asked yesterday if he went on dating sites…he said yes…Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this before??? Isn’t that part of coming clean??? Telling the whole fucking truth?!

I read that article today that was posted on the general forum about the difference between guilt, remorse, and contrition. I sent it to him after he told me that he wouldn’t be answering any more questions because I always say I don’t believe him….WTAF?!?!

So after lying to me for two years or more (again, I don’t believe anything he claims), I’m supposed to magically believe you??? FUCK YOU. You don’t get to be upset about me not believing you…and I still get to ask you questions…I feel like it’s important for my healing and for his…all the secrets need to come out into the light.

I am so distraught over everything. I keep being flooded with loving memories of our life together…how loved he made me feel…he often used to kiss my hand or look at me and call me his beauty…I’M SO DAMAGED BY HIS BETRAYAL.

All I want is for him to hold me…and how fucked up is that??? I want my ABUSER to comfort me!!

Right now, I have zero clarity…one moment I feel like that’s it…he fucked around, cruelly betrayed me, broke his promises, destroyed our monogamy boundaries, lied and deceived like a motherfucker; another moment I’ll think about what if his remorse and contrition is real…can I give him another chance???

In my heart I know R is too painful and will be unfair to both of us…I can’t see ever getting over his totally cruel abusive betrayal of me.

I’m just in so much pain…I don’t know what to think. I may need to go on anxiety or depression meds…I’m just too overwhelmed and so damn sad.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710085

oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 11:20 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Hi @Riverz. I'm so sorry to here about today. Just want to offer support. You're not alone. I remember being in your situation feeling the anger and pain and shock towards the lack of truth or care towards my feelings. I remember asking, begging for the whole truth just so I can stop asking questions, only to be shot down again and again. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Just wish to send you strength and support. If it gets too painful then I'd suggest taking a little while to just focus on yourself for a bit. Maybe a few minutes, few hours, a day or two. Focus on clearing your mind, on eating, on sleeping, and so on. Sending lots of internet hugs and strength. You're not alone.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 11:20 PM, Saturday, January 15th]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710091

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 1:43 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Thank you, OMWM...I appreciate your kind words of support and I’ll gladly take those hugs..

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710106

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:30 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

All I want is for him to hold me…and how fucked up is that??? I want my ABUSER to comfort me!!

There's nothing wrong with you. That feeling of wanting to be comforted by the cheater is rampant among BS's. You can talk all day to your friend or your therapist and it doesn't accomplish much of anything. What you want... is to talk to your cheater. And while it's a really common thing, I'm not sure it's a good thing, because underneath it all, I think what we want most is for them to convince us that the status quo can somehow be repaired. But that's not always the case. Sometimes the cheater is insincere in their motives, or incapable of following through with meaningful change. Sometimes the cheating is a deal breaker for the BS. So, you can see how this need for comforting can open us up to offering R before we're ready or knowledgeable.

...he told me that he wouldn’t be answering any more questions because I always say I don’t believe him….WTAF?!?!

Your reaction to him trying to shut you down was just right. He doesn't get to cheat for two years, blow a bunch of sunshine up your ass about how sorry he is, and then clutch his pearls at the notion that his word might not be good enough. He's a proven LIAR. It's only good sense to treat him like one.

It might not feel like it, but you're going well. Hang in there. ((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5431   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8710115

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:05 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Thank you, CamTea...I’m just having such a hard time...the breaking of my bond and attachment with him is utterly excruciating...and you’re right...that’s what I want...I want him to hold me and to make it all go he used to comfort me before.

So many memories haunting he was with me when my dad passed...he’s been there for me all these’s just so painful to have lost him like this...for him to have chosen to betray instead of seeking help.

I just can’t get passed the despair and hopelessness.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710119

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:24 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

My heart is sad for you, River. I am sorry that he did this to you. He took advantage of your kind and trusting heart and yet HE doesn't feel that you deserve to know the truth. You don't deserve this, none of us do. You are not alone. We understand.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8710129

FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 6:58 AM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Yes, it's all a massive mindfuck and really hard to explain to someone who's never experienced it as a BS.

I recall storm after storm of raging panic attacks and feeling like my head was full of broken glass while sitting in my darkened office like a zombie at work. It's just so traumatizing. Don't hesitate to get a prescription for Ativan, it helped me immensely at one point and I should have done it a lot sooner.

If you haven't already read Journey from Abandonment to Healing, you may want to download it and work through the exercises. Also Pema Chodron has written volumes about all of this, I found her very helpful.

There is no way out but through.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21494   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8710132

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:31 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

I can relate strongly to what you've been writing about how you feel and some of your thoughts. It's been a month; that was not enough time for me to pick myself up off the floor.

I very often had my anger prematurely (IMO) stopped by memories of truly good experiences we had together. I really hated that - I thought it robbed me of my anger. In the end, I decided to let my mind go wherever it wanted to go, since it didn't matter - I could not control my minds innumerable light-speed shifts, and since it shifted so fast, it would be focused on something else before I could process the 1st thought.

IOW, I think you're experiencing a pattern that is within the range of normality, and you can feel confident of coming out of it - more slowly than you'd like, for sure, but IMO you are probably on a healing path that will work for you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27113   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8710164

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 8:08 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Thank you, HMH...I appreciate your comforting words. I know none of us deserve this’s just so painful to realize that someone you love and who claims will "love you forever" can betray everything you ever though was real.

FF, thank you, I will look for those books. I’m currently reading "Cheating in a Nutshell" and it’s really helping me think about my situation and it’s explaining how and why betrayal is so damaging.

S, I’m trying to consciously tell myself to think other thoughts when I get bombarded with the cheating flashbacks...but when those good happy memories guts me with grief. I’m grieving for a happy past and for what was supposed to be a happy future.

I just feel so lost in my own history...his betrayal has tainted those good I feel like I’m missing the life I thought we lived...everything feels like a lie. And I’m just so fucking sad.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710193

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 12:13 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

I'm so glad that you reached back out again River, you had me worried for a moment.

Surviving infidelity is VERY, VERY difficult. Not for the faint at heart. I'm surprised I have made it this far after what my now deceased WH put me through for a good part of our marriage... and then he died less that two years ago. So that even complicated things even more after the discoveries of who he was... I barely made it out of bed the first year after his death. It was such a nightmare what he put me through... dating back to 2012 when his level of drinking and irradic behavior took itself to a whole new level. It was crazy making to say the least.

I am now coming up on two years (March) post his death and I'm still finding myself in bed A LOT! But I don't care because I am healing after a major trauma. I deserve to heal and find my happiness once again and so do you!

I am so bored with the lying around though which I'm finding to be a good sign, and know that I will get up and soar once again, when I am ready to. And I am also allowing myself to heal. And another thing is that I don't cry so much anymore. I'm more exhausted than anything and I'm sure this too will run its course. Everything just takes TIME, TIME, TIME!

Allow yourself time to get through the worst of this and you too will come around and begin to shine again.

One thing I have learned on my journey is that I don't automatically give others my trust anymore. Lol People may try to take advantage of my good will but they also soon discover that I am no longer so willing to play those games anymore.

I am sorry that your partner in life felt it was okay to take advantage of your good will. He is a fool just as mine was. But we also need to wisen up, take care of ourselves and our needs first. Get ourselves and our minds well again and then move forward. If you decide to lean on others IRL as you figure your new reality out, make sure that they are safe people. Trust is now earned instead of automatically given.

I can't believe I've been dealing with my now deceased WH issues and behavior for so long now. I think it's been at least 15 years since he really plummeted and went down the rabbit hole with the drinking. I can now see why he had a drinking problem, it was because he was so full of guilt and shame for what he was doing behind my back. And unfortunately, fortunately by the grace of God I've been set free from the madness my now deceased WH created in my life. And after all of this time, I am beginning to be able to let go of the heartache and I believe that I am moving into forgiveness. We and life are constantly evolving if we allow it to.

Am I happy over the outcome of his death? Hell no! I would rather have had him get well and to turn his life around. But unfortunately this was not to be the case, he was too far gone into his addictions, I don't believe that he really wanted to save himself in the end. He felt doomed.

Those with addictions are mentally sick and addictions come from a place of evil. And the stronghold of addiction takes the drive "out" of the addict to want to climb out of the darkness and want to succeed and turn their lives around. Addiction is that strong and comsumming of the mind. It takes the addict getting to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of his life and hitting rock bottom to want to turn his life around. Understand this. I've known a lot of addicts in my time and no matter what the outcome is, the addict never comes out of it without some sort of damage whether it is physical, mental or psychological.

Take care of yourself! I drank protein drinks because I couldn't eat and I had lost so much weight. I also continued going to the gym and mainly lifted weights. My therapist sucked. Actually, a lot of therapists suck when they try to help us to overcome the trauma of infidelity because they really don't understand. Ugh Anyways, she was no help, most of them I reached out to didn't have a clue about addictions, infidelity orntrauma.

I attended Alanon meetings and dropped in at AA meetings and also found a few Sponsors from Alanon to lean on. And eventually I found this site. I couldn't deal with this on my own... everything was just too overwhelming. Scary in the beginning but a normal response.

You are on a journey, River and the more support and help you can get, the better off you will be. And there is nothing wrong with taking an antidepressant. I still do because my deceased WH caused me so much mental anguish that I developed PTSD and will probably have to deal it for the rest of my life. But with meditation, an antidepressant, gym, my horse, shopping, SI and other outlets, I feel that I am learning to find value in my life again.

You can get through this River, but you will also need time for healing. Your partner broke your heart and turned your world up side down and you now are in grieving. And grieving is a very difficult process which is not linear, more like emotions are all over the place and all at once sometimes too. When my world as I knew it began to fall apart, I was so scared and started having panic attacks. I consider this to be a normal response to trauma too.

If I can somehow get through each day, so can you. F*** THEM!!! None of us wanted this to be our lives but sadly here we are!! Don't let his sh** get the best of who you are!

I don't know what your beliefs are but from my point of view, God's got my back and I 100% believe he has a plan for me. And I'm pretty sure that he has a plan for you too.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8710239

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 12:25 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

Oh, and one last thing is my family who has helped me to process my emotions and also allowed me to lean on them after my WH death.

Without especially them I don't think I would be as strong as I am today. They were so shocked and disappointed to learn about who my deceased WH really was. They too felt let down. And I also believe that some of the family are still in denial about who he really was because they loved and cherished him too.

I also am wondering how he is managing on the other side with everyone knowing who he really was. Lol A little bit of sick humor on my part.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8710240

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 1:14 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

Thanks for your comforting words, HMH.

I don’t know how you survived what your WS put you through...but it’s surely a testament of your strength. Your story is unreal! And I totally understand the long term consequences of betrayal...this second betrayal for me has opened up old wounds from my first husband’s betrayal...PTSD for sure.

It’s been four weeks now since at least that’s a positive...but I know from my previous betrayal that it will take months and years to feel "normal" again...if that actually ever happens. I’m not sure I will ever be normal again...I feel so damaged.

If he had been a mean fucker, or abusive in some way, I think it might be easier to break free...but it’s the history of love, connectedness, friendship that makes it so damn that man could’ve done this is beyond my ability to understand. And it hurts like fuck...the one who was my comforter, my safe place, has become my abuser and the killer of my heart and soul.

I’m just so damn sad. The loss and grief are unbearable.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710245

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:00 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

If he had been a mean fucker, or abusive in some way, I think it might be easier to break free...but it’s the history of love, connectedness, friendship that makes it so damn that man could’ve done this is beyond my ability to understand. And it hurts like fuck...the one who was my comforter, my safe place, has become my abuser and the killer of my heart and soul.

I’m just so damn sad. The loss and grief are unbearable.

I can relate to what you are saying, my deceased WH was so good in so many ways too... until this.

Breaks my heart for you but you can get through this, just as I also need to continue moving forward. We all do. And it is such a sad and painful journey that we don't deserve to be on.😔 You didn't deserve this treatment. You did nothing wrong to deserve what he did to you. Terrible. And you trusted him with all of your heart. Blows my mind how he could give you so much love and comfort and yet lie right to your face about who he is.

I'm just curious what he told you his reasons were for seeking out prostitutes for sexual gratification?

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8710266

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:14 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

If you think you may already have PTSD, I highly recommend that you get on an antidepressant asap (along with finding a good therapist to talk to). Waiting only causes more damage to the brain. And there is nothing wrong with a little help to calm you down and to help you think more clearly during these trying times.

Take care of yourself, River

posts: 840   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8710267

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 6:14 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

Thank you, HMH...I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday...and I also see my therapist too.

He said that the addiction to porn because of working away from home so much, took over and got out of control...then it progressed to acting out. He got mixed up with that one disgusting couple as some kind of "role play fantasy"...then although I saw lots of texts to escorts, he claims he only visited two...and it was the sex (although he says he couldn’t get hard at all all three times)....totally fucked up that I have to deal with this in my life.

The whole things makes me sick. He has major problems...says he got into a dark place and just gave into it...instead of remembering he had a faithful partner/wife at home who loved him. And now he’s lost everything...and I’ve lost the innocence of believing I had a faithful loving husband.

It’s killing me because I know it’s over. There’s no coming back from this...the damage is too deep. So my pain is coming to terms with a life without him...I’m still in shock. 15 years and over like warning. And I still love the grief is simply overwhelming.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710275

AndJustLikeThat ( new member #79715) posted at 9:50 AM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

"It’s killing me because I know it’s over. There’s no coming back from this...the damage is too deep. "

I can relate to you in so many ways. Gosh, the pain is unbearable at times.

I can't comprehend why is this happening to good people. I get the pain, anguish and heartache... I truly do. I read this somewhere and it hit the spot with me, I think many here can relate. Bottom line is - in has nothing to do with YOU.

"...I spent 20 years with a nonconfrontational person. I've learned that conflict avoidance is what you do when you have much more effective ways to get the upper hand and destroy your partner. Lying. Hiding. All you are doing by avoiding conflict is

denying your partner the truth.

The right to choose. Make an informed decision. In the meantime, the liar may think they are in control and managing the situation - they may even think it's for the best - but in reality, their resentment still builds. The more he/she wins by withholding information, the less they respect you..."

I am here for you, and I wish you strength. please be good to yourself because you deserve it!

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 9:53 AM, Monday, January 17th]

posts: 37   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8710280

 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:29 AM on Friday, January 21st, 2022

HELP MEEEEE!! I’ve just been hit with DD2 and it’s killing me.

We had been talking lately…he is in therapy and figuring out his issues and he seemed VERY remorseful. He even insisted on coming to do the driveway for me after the storm we had…he drove 2.5 hours to come do it. Then we held each other and cried for quite some time. I thought maybe…just maybe we might find each other again in time.

But now it’s definitely OVER.

I felt he wasn’t telling me the whole truth from the beginning…and I was right! I told him that in order to build trust he’d have to give me access to his emails and shit…and he did.

Omg…NIGHTMARE. He originally told me that he has three "acting outs"…and that he didn’t actually have intercourse because he couldn’t get an erection…so he did other stuff with those whores.

I just found out that he’s really been living a double life…he’s been seeing one woman off of Ashley Madison for about a year…and I saw emails of them talking and talking about her losing her phone while he was as banging her from behind in the car. Then I saw a bunch of messages from Doublist…OMGGGG…he has been connecting with all kinds of people and both genders for at least three years…we’re talking everything disgusting under the sun…I want to vomit. He’s exposed me to disease all this time without the slightest care or compassion. I feel used, raped, and abused.

I’m just overwhelmed by so much. He has been telling me how he wants a life together and how hard it was on DD1 to see the look on my face…he said that look will prevent him from doing anything…but he was messaging him that fuck buddy of his right after DD1…I’m so broken…HE HAS SHATTERED MY HEART AND MY SOUL.

I don’t know who this man is. WE ARE DEFINITELY DONE. He has been deceiving and lying and playing me the fool this whole time. Even after asking him for the whole truth…he insisted that was it.
He is probably a sociopath or something fucked up.

I just can’t understand why…why did he continue to torture me??? Why didn’t he just leave me before…clearly he wasn’t happy and wanted more than I gave him.

How could he pretend to really love me all this time??? This has truly damaged me as a person. And I’m starting my healing journey all over again…I feel so broken and my heart hurts so much. Why God?!?! I’m a good person. The pain is overtaking me. The gaslighting has affecting my mind.
Help me God.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8710971
Topic is Sleeping.
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