Dealing with feelings of injustice and unfairness

Recently I'm having lots of trouble with anger, especially the feeling of being unjustly done. Like I've been a genuinely good person all my life, and my reward is a shit sandwich and lifelong therapy. Yay me. I don't even care if my ex-WF is happy or miserable, I'm just so angry that I was made miserable.

Logically I know I need to accept the current situation, grieve the past and focus on building my new life. But I don't feel it. I feel like the victim of such injustice. It's not fair I have to take most of my free time to try to understand trauma to just survive.

Anyone has luck with this? Any help is appreciated. Ty in advance.

#angryandfrustrated

45 comments posted: Monday, July 3rd, 2023

Meditations from a BS not in R

I've been close to 2 years from D-day. It's been a slow and painful 2 years, but I've also learned a lot. So I would like to share some of the deep lessons learned through tears. Maybe it's the therapeutic effects of writing my thoughts down. Maybe it can help others along in their early recovery journey.

Mourning something that never existed: One of the hardest things I had to (and still have to) accept is that my relationship with my XWF was a lie. When she told me she was in love with me, a lie. When she said she was happy, a lie. The XWF that I loved with all my heart was not real, it was an illusion that I believed. So was my relationship with this illusion of a person. I was sad over a relationship that was not real. I was giving my XWF too much credit that she did not deserve. It was a turning point to see that I was so sad over something that did not exist, and may never have existed. If I was to see everything based on reality, I was in a relationship with a lying, cheating WF, who was TT-ing me, gaslighting me, and being overall unloving. My relationship with her was built on deceit, disrespect on her end, and the love was one directional. Now was the realities of this relationship worth so much pain and grief over?

The only way to cross the ocean of pain is through it: You stand at the shore, looking at the endless sea of pain with no land in sight. You are scared to venture into the pain, scared to never get out and drown in the bottomless sea of sorrow. You wait weeks, months, maybe even years. But with time you realize that your anxiety is getting worse, and the pain is not getting any better. Unfortunately, there is no alternative to crossing the sea of pain if you want to end up on the other side. It is a painful, but important choice that you have to make. It's a choice you'll need to make every day to not turn back and go into avoidance mode. There will be respite and shelter, and it will get easier and easier. But you have to make the conscious decision to going forward repeatedly if you want to make it to the other side.

Gift of a new life: One thing I had to accept was that my old life was over (see my username). I was given a chance at a new life, a new beginning, a new birth. Whether to R or D, we could never go back to be our old selves, live our old life, with our old partner. In all honesty, nor should we want to after D-day. Our old partner was a liar, our old self was an unrealized victim, and our old life a sham. If we died on D-day that would be the end of our old life, but we are given the chance for this new beginning. And how we choose to live this new life is up to us. We can be a victim forever, some people do stay that way for a long time. We can try with futility to go back to our old life. Or we can forge something befitting of our own reincarnation into our bodies. We can live for the truth, for what we truly want. Whether you R or D, I hope that you accept this gift of a new life and choose live according to your new values.

It's okay to not know: You never expected to be here, neither have I or any of us. But here we are, captaining our ship in dangerous waters of infidelity. It's normal to not know what you're supposed to do. It's normal to not know how to handle certain strong emotions. It's normal to know logically one thing and feel something totally different in your heart. Give yourself grace for being uncertain in this uncertain yet horrible situation. If a friend was in the situation you're in, what would you say towards that friend? Probably something along the lines of "I know you're hurt, it must be so hard", or "it's okay, take your time to comb through your feelings". You deserve just as much compassion as your friend in this exercise, so give yourself that same tender love and care. SI is amazing here to give validations for lost feelings, or objective 3rd person advice to help you chart these murky waters.

Sometimes, the fear of pain is worse than the pain itself: Right after D-day the pain is unimaginable. Some have claimed this is the worst emotional pain known possible. So post D-day so you would want to avoid ever feeling like this again. This is protective in the beginning. However with time and healing, the intensity of the pain recedes, but the fear and anxiety does not. At some point, the avoidance that so helped you avoid emotional death in the beginning, will begin to hinder your healing. I hope that when that time comes, you can begin to let go of the protective mechanism of fear and to finally process/heal your pain.

Letting go of the outcome: Right after D-day we feel so hurt. One of the ways we avoid further pain is to control everything. We questions our WS repeatedly. We check their phones and track their locations. We have anxiety when we don't have control (eg. if the WS is late or does something we can't check). In the beginning this helps us stay safe. However as time progresses this anxiety that permeates everything is counterproductive to healing. We can't realistically control everything, it'll burn us out. Furthermore, there are uncertainties in this post-A life that we simply won't have the answers to. At some point we need to accept that: you won't know if your WS will cheat again, you won't know when you'll feel better, you won't know if R will work (in the beginning), and if you did D - you won't know if you'll find someone else. So at some point, constantly feeling anxious and being afraid of letting go will prevent you from doing what's needed in your healing. But it's so hard to let go because it worked so well in the beginning to keep us safe. When we try to let go we feel triggered by our fear of danger. But in order to heal we have to accept some uncertainties. We have to forgive our WS. Not because what they did was okay, it certainly is not. But we can't hold onto the grudge forever for our own health. So we let go of the anxiety, let go of controlling the outcome. So it's a slow process, littered with failures and picking ourselves back up again, and that's okay. Got to be honest I struggle real hard with this one still.

Thank you for reading. I'd be very interested in hearing some of your own perspectives and thoughts on the matter.

edit: yay my 100th post

3 comments posted: Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

New relationships and old pains

Ok here we go. I am BS about 6.5 months out from D-day. I have been in NC with my xWF for 5 months since we said our goodbyes. Overall I felt I'm feeling like I'm making decent progress on the road to surviving infidelity (hah). So I've tried to test the waters of being out there again and have found someone who I get along with well and are mutually into each other. Now what I did not expect are some old pains resurfacing recently. I've done a lot of introspection and one pain point is fearing betrayal as a BS. I've lost 6+ years to betrayal so I'm a bit scared. Now I know logically I absolutely cannot bring this into a new relationship, and should not punish this person for something another person did. But the fear is not rational, and so it's hard for me to rationalize it away through logic. It simply attacks and leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. I have noticed some signs of insecurities that I normally would not have such as asking more questions about the future, being afraid of rebounding, being afraid of not affair-proofing my picker, etc. I'm afraid of this being a sign of me not being ready yet to dip back into dating, and don't want to hurt an innocent soul. But at the same time I feel all BSes would have similar fears so it might not be anything in particular.

I've explained my situation to her and she seems sympathetic to my pains. I understand to some this can be a dealbreaker so if that's what it is then I accept that. It's more the uncertainty that I'm not sure I should push through or take as sign to back off. Anyone have similar experiences or insights? Thank you very much from the new me.

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

Hi SI. I read these horror stories but never thought I'd be one to experience mine. Sorry for the long post.
A kind Redditor actually showed me this website. I can post my reddit posts as the situation unfolded if you guys want for more context.

So it's been 3 weeks and I honestly have no idea how to feel. My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years. I love her dearly, and she loved me dearly too. We've had our ups and downs but I would do anything for this girl. I just wanted to see her be happy. I was happy to take care of her for the rest of our lives together. We had one year where we were long distant, which was really hard on the both of us. Needless to say I was happy when we closed the distance and began planning the wedding.

One week prior to the wedding I learned from a friend that she had cheated on me. I confronted her the next day and she confirmed everything. My world, my happy married future was shattered right then and there. Apparently she had EA for over a year since we started long distance. The guy came to see her 3 times and she committed PA, however she adamantly denied having sex (reddit really did not believe her). I was so stunned, heart broken, and distraught that I later recognized were probably signs of PTSD. I'm sorry to all the BS out there this is one pain no-one should ever experience.

In reality I think I held it together pretty well given the circumstances. When I confronted her she admitted she would not have told me before the wedding, which was just another stab in my heart. She admitted that she still had feelings for the OM. This crossed a line and I called off the wedding. I cannot, will not, marry someone who has feelings for others. I know it works for some, but it does not work for me.

What followed was days of immense pain. Calling all my good friends, both our parents (her parents didn't know), their friends, vendors, etc was not fun the slightest. The day of the supposed wedding I was almost catatonic. The day after I went and told her we need to break up. She cried and begged and sobbed her heart out, which made my heart ache for her. After all I could not undo 6 years of loving her in a single week. Reading the resources and threads here I'm surprised to see that this behavior from the WS (or WF in my case?) is actually very common.

Few days later she wanted to reconcile. She said she would do anything to make us work. She was really sorry. She loved me more than anything. After reading stories here again I am surprised this is all very common WS/WF behavior. I asked for a few weeks to cool down.

So that brings us to now, 3 weeks from D-Dday. I tried to talk to her a few times, and I'm just confused about everything. Now in our relationship I was always the emotionally strong one, the more caring one, and she has always been a bit immature. She also had trouble with deep communication, while I was very happy with communication. She is obviously hurt, and she is very hurt by me not trusting her. However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to? Where is my loving and supportive Fiancee when I'm so clearly hurt and traumatized by her actions? Again reading threads here it seems she is more sorry vs. remorseful. If that's true then this is a very hard pill to swallow, as I truly still care so much for her. Maybe she's still in the affair fog? Last time I spoke with her she said while she did NC with the OM she still could not get over him yet.

At this point I honestly don't know how to feel about anything. 3 weeks ago my blissful happy self was dragged out and brutally murdered. I feel like a shell of a former person. I'm just so sad now, sad about the life we could of had together, sad for how I feel like I have nothing, even sad for her for what she must be going through.

Currently I am leaning against reconciliation based on the lack of support I'm getting and her actions post D-Day. Maybe I'm reading my situation wrong in that case would love to hear some perspectives.

I am so scared right now. I am scared of being cheated on again. I am scared of never getting over this if we do reconcile. I am scared of being single at the age of 32. It truly is a shit sandwich. What are even the chances of finding the right one at my age? I never thought much about it to be honest, and even the thought of it now scares me.

Thank you for reading and giving your advice / perspective if you choose to.

179 comments posted: Tuesday, October 26th, 2021