Newest Member: HedgehogCat


New relationships and old pains

Ok here we go. I am BS about 6.5 months out from D-day. I have been in NC with my xWF for 5 months since we said our goodbyes. Overall I felt I'm feeling like I'm making decent progress on the road to surviving infidelity (hah). So I've tried to test the waters of being out there again and have found someone who I get along with well and are mutually into each other. Now what I did not expect are some old pains resurfacing recently. I've done a lot of introspection and one pain point is fearing betrayal as a BS. I've lost 6+ years to betrayal so I'm a bit scared. Now I know logically I absolutely cannot bring this into a new relationship, and should not punish this person for something another person did. But the fear is not rational, and so it's hard for me to rationalize it away through logic. It simply attacks and leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. I have noticed some signs of insecurities that I normally would not have such as asking more questions about the future, being afraid of rebounding, being afraid of not affair-proofing my picker, etc. I'm afraid of this being a sign of me not being ready yet to dip back into dating, and don't want to hurt an innocent soul. But at the same time I feel all BSes would have similar fears so it might not be anything in particular.

I've explained my situation to her and she seems sympathetic to my pains. I understand to some this can be a dealbreaker so if that's what it is then I accept that. It's more the uncertainty that I'm not sure I should push through or take as sign to back off. Anyone have similar experiences or insights? Thank you very much from the new me.

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Unmet needs model and SI

Something I was recently reading about is the whole unmet needs model of R after an A. For those that don't know the model works something like this: A WS strays because of their AP fills out needs (emotional or physical) that the WS did not receive with the BS. So part of R is for the couple to figure out what is the unmet need the WS tried to fill with the A and solve that as a core issue. The model also advocates for the WS to own the A and not blame the BS. Just wondering what you guys think about this model of R? It seems to share some similar and some diverging points to what this site advocates. As someone not in R I don't understand the pros and cons of this way of thinking. Thanks!

60 comments posted: Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....

Hi SI. I read these horror stories but never thought I'd be one to experience mine. Sorry for the long post.
A kind Redditor actually showed me this website. I can post my reddit posts as the situation unfolded if you guys want for more context.

So it's been 3 weeks and I honestly have no idea how to feel. My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years. I love her dearly, and she loved me dearly too. We've had our ups and downs but I would do anything for this girl. I just wanted to see her be happy. I was happy to take care of her for the rest of our lives together. We had one year where we were long distant, which was really hard on the both of us. Needless to say I was happy when we closed the distance and began planning the wedding.

One week prior to the wedding I learned from a friend that she had cheated on me. I confronted her the next day and she confirmed everything. My world, my happy married future was shattered right then and there. Apparently she had EA for over a year since we started long distance. The guy came to see her 3 times and she committed PA, however she adamantly denied having sex (reddit really did not believe her). I was so stunned, heart broken, and distraught that I later recognized were probably signs of PTSD. I'm sorry to all the BS out there this is one pain no-one should ever experience.

In reality I think I held it together pretty well given the circumstances. When I confronted her she admitted she would not have told me before the wedding, which was just another stab in my heart. She admitted that she still had feelings for the OM. This crossed a line and I called off the wedding. I cannot, will not, marry someone who has feelings for others. I know it works for some, but it does not work for me.

What followed was days of immense pain. Calling all my good friends, both our parents (her parents didn't know), their friends, vendors, etc was not fun the slightest. The day of the supposed wedding I was almost catatonic. The day after I went and told her we need to break up. She cried and begged and sobbed her heart out, which made my heart ache for her. After all I could not undo 6 years of loving her in a single week. Reading the resources and threads here I'm surprised to see that this behavior from the WS (or WF in my case?) is actually very common.

Few days later she wanted to reconcile. She said she would do anything to make us work. She was really sorry. She loved me more than anything. After reading stories here again I am surprised this is all very common WS/WF behavior. I asked for a few weeks to cool down.

So that brings us to now, 3 weeks from D-Dday. I tried to talk to her a few times, and I'm just confused about everything. Now in our relationship I was always the emotionally strong one, the more caring one, and she has always been a bit immature. She also had trouble with deep communication, while I was very happy with communication. She is obviously hurt, and she is very hurt by me not trusting her. However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to? Where is my loving and supportive Fiancee when I'm so clearly hurt and traumatized by her actions? Again reading threads here it seems she is more sorry vs. remorseful. If that's true then this is a very hard pill to swallow, as I truly still care so much for her. Maybe she's still in the affair fog? Last time I spoke with her she said while she did NC with the OM she still could not get over him yet.

At this point I honestly don't know how to feel about anything. 3 weeks ago my blissful happy self was dragged out and brutally murdered. I feel like a shell of a former person. I'm just so sad now, sad about the life we could of had together, sad for how I feel like I have nothing, even sad for her for what she must be going through.

Currently I am leaning against reconciliation based on the lack of support I'm getting and her actions post D-Day. Maybe I'm reading my situation wrong in that case would love to hear some perspectives.

I am so scared right now. I am scared of being cheated on again. I am scared of never getting over this if we do reconcile. I am scared of being single at the age of 32. It truly is a shit sandwich. What are even the chances of finding the right one at my age? I never thought much about it to be honest, and even the thought of it now scares me.

Thank you for reading and giving your advice / perspective if you choose to.

179 comments posted: Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

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