Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:21 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
What is wrong with these people? How much time do you have?
Now isn't this the truth.
Thank you Tallgirl for your kind words about saying that River and I are strong. I really appreciated that! And you also are strong!
River, you are in your early day's of grieving the loss of what you thought was a loving, kind and trusting relationship. I remember those early moments. I thought that I was going to die on multiple occasions because the pain was so excruciating and overwhelming! It was horrible!
Are you having any form of communication with your ex? If so, what is he telling you?
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Thanks Tallgirl…I appreciate the support.
Linus, I think you nailed it!! Gawd how I wish I knew this about them before I gave my heart and soul to them.
Writersblock122, he apparently has his first IC session this week…who the eff knows if it’s a good one and whether that’s what his defect is. I still love him…it’ll take more time before I get over that…but I need to keep reminding myself that his fucked-up-ness is NOT MY PROBLEM. I’m peacing-out of his shitstorm life that he created for us.
You’re too kind to say I’m strong…I don’t think I am…but thank you. I just can’t let someone try to destroy me and say that’s love. I can’t stay with someone who can look at me straight and deeply in the eyes and say they love me or say that they will never be unfaithful to me…and then they choose to betray…A FUCKING CHOICE.
No way. I know I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life…I want a loving and faithful husband/partner…I hope having been betrayed twice now hasn’t damaged me to the point that I can’t trust again…it feels like it has.
It’s gonna take a long time to get over his betrayal and the love I still feel for him so much. Utter heartache and love at the same time. What a hell to go through again. FML
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Are you having any form of communication with your ex? If so, what is he telling you?
HMH, we’ve spoken and texted a few times…it’s mostly him showing remorse, I guess. Probably sorry he got caught since he had zero intent of ever telling me.
He says sorry He hurt me, it’s killing him what he’s done to me, blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. He should’ve been faithful…PERIOD. He knew perfectly what it would do to me…and now you’re sorry?? Well, tough shit for you.
He said I can call anytime if I need to vent or to yell at him. I still don’t believe he’s told me everything…I believe nothing he says…such a GD liar.
He says he wants me to hate him, he doesn’t want my forgiveness…but he did say he wished there was a way to fix it…HOW ABOUT NOT SCREWING OTHER WOMEN??? There’s an idea!!
It enrages me to think he made the choice to do something KNOWING it would kill me. And especially since he himself was cheated on…Like WTAF?!?! I feel like I’m taking effing crazy pills!!
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Tell him that he can start by writing a timeline of his history being completely honest with you. And then you have him back it up with a poly. Of course he will tell you that they are not accurate, hoping that you will back down. But don't. Hold firm.
I wish that I would had followed through with this but instead I went back to my old ways of believing what he told me to be the truth, he was that good. At one point, I had him backed into a corner. And he knew this and then I buckled.
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
HMH, even though I’m fairly certain it’s over, I still want the truth…I deserve that at least. He claims he’s told me everything, but I just don’t buy it. I want to know.
I’ve heard about the timeline idea…I may ask for that. I’m not sure where they do polygraphs around here…I’ll have to check that out. But if I’m done with his bullshit lying cheating carcass, is there any point?
I’m just so damn sad.
[This message edited by Riverz at 11:49 PM, Monday, January 3rd]
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
Here are your answers right here:
I’m fairly certain it’s over, I still want the truth…I deserve that at least.
He claims he’s told me everything, but I just don’t buy it. I want to know.
And if he is telling you the truth then he won't have a problem doing the timeline and taking the poly, correct? And who knows, maybe he will give you what they call the parking lot confession when the two of you arrive at the office.
I'm going to allow others to delve deeper into this part of the discussion with you about the poly.
Lots of great ideas and guidance from others here on SI for you:) You are not alone. You've got this one day at a time.
pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:20 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
You wouldn't like to see what he was up to. Probably like a whole different person. The searches my WS would do used to make me mad and queasy. Women become objects. That's not the life you want.
Mine cried when I caught him too. Sobbed and sobbed. Poor things, their happy life is over. No more caring partner to give them love and devotion while they lie and light up their brains with the kind of sex they dream about online. They cry like toddlers who had their toy taken away.
I'm sorry he lied and lied to you knowing full well how important this is. Then all the stories of other men probably telling a bit of his own adventures. Mine said a woman in Europe said to him how sweet it was he didn't mess around on his girl back home. I think he was doing just that. Things were odd when he got back and there were hidden texts I saw him reading. Later someone here said her man said just the same to her.... I never do such things....she found out he did regularly. Why do they make the effort to say this to us?
I think it's a common thing with liars and cheaters. I've heard it over and over now.
It happened to me in my 50s too. Don't worry about that. You have the whole second half to live yet. Think about what you really want. This pain won't last forever. The disappointment will fade after you are up and rolling on your life part 2.
Don't accept any more lies from him. You watch what he does. The words are only tools for him to get what he wants.
It's hard when you want to believe but hold strong on this. Words mean nothing to him.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.
pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:27 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
You won't get the whole truth. Don't expect it. Don't waste energy on it. I wanted that too. Thought it would help me heal. The best way to heal is to go 100% on yourself.
Do you need all the icky pictures and texts?
Look forward and leave him in his swamp. It's bad. You know it's bad. How much do you want coming up in your mind every day? Everything you pry out of him will be stuck in your brain.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
pureheartkit, thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve also gone through this shit in your 50’s.
He texted me today asking how I was doing…of course I let him have it. How do you expect me to be doing after shattering my life?!?!
We talked on the phone because I wanted answers to some questions…I needed to know dates on when he fucked the escorts and also when and where he screwed that man’s wife. Apparently he met this disgusting couple at one of the local hotels in town! Unbelievable! WHYYYYYY?!?!?! Oh, and originally he said he started watching porn addictively just over a year ago, but it was actually like THREE years! So the truth is coming out slowly…such a LIAR.
He also had his first therapy session today…good for him. Glad he is finally looking for help AFTER betraying me!! He claims he has some serious problems (no shit Sherlock).
He sounds very remorseful and he doesn’t blame me for any of it. He is crying a lot (this is a man who doesn’t cry)…and he’s hoping to fix himself.
He continuously tells me he’s sorry and he hates himself for hurting me and that he’s a scumbag, I didn’t deserve this…etc.
UGH…why not just BE FAITHFUL, mofo?!?! How difficult is it to keep your promises and honour your spouse???? How difficult is it to demonstrate your love by avoiding temptation??
I asked him WHY he didn’t come talk to me when he was feeling tempted…BEFORE HE ACTED ON THOSE URGES???? He says he was ashamed or wanted those urges were too strong…or some other bullshit excuse.
I understand that some people can have some kind of SA problems…but I sure as hell did not sign up for this, nor will I become a doormat or put up with it.
I told him I wish him well and to get the help he needs and maybe one day he can have a happy life again. I wish it could’ve been with me…but I can never trust him again…EVER.
pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:48 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
It may well be that they don't want to hurt us or that they wish they were different but the urge to lie and cheat takes over and off they go on another adventure. They crave the rush of it. Why the lies though.....can't they say this is who I am, what I need? Then they lose our love and support and they don't want that. They want both. Our love isn't enough, was never enough. It must be hard to have a place in you that is never filled so that you destroy your chance for happiness. I think he fears this most of all. The neverending thirst of lust. A peaceful happy life should be enough.
Anger is good. Anger is a helper because it lets us know where we need to make changes. Decide on your changes then let your Anger go. It will return and you think how you want to change the situation and let it go again. Sadness comes, anger comes, exhaustion comes, regret comes. Then understanding comes, calm comes, self knowledge comes, peace comes. And joy comes.
I remember standing in the shower thinking I just wanted the pain to stop. Everything I thought I had was gone. It took time to grieve for the life I knew and loved. I built a new one. A better one. It wasn't what I thought I'd have. I never imagined I'd be here. But it brings me great happiness. I feel content and my stress is low. You can never have this kind of peace with someone who's always lying to you. On some level, you sense it even if you tell yourself everything is fine.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 6:01 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
pureheartkit, thank you.
Your words give me hope and strength. I know I will grieve this loss for a long time…and because it’s so early on I still have moments of denial and shock. Reality seems horrifying.
But I know I have to get through this…I WILL get through this. It’s just hurts so bloody much.
Linus ( member #79614) posted at 1:44 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
This is jumping the gun a bit, but you mentioned not trusting again. I went through this twice, as well( really had to struggle with wondering if, since I was the common denominator, I caused/ deserved it. )
I was early 50' s on the last one. Had three kids from that marriage, all grown now.
The research on infidelity led to research on personality disorders, as it has many BS. There were articles suggesting ways to recognize the red flags the disordered display. Some of these are subtle, hard to recognize especially when in the throes of limerance and the invariable love bombing they do.
A couple suggestions:
First, never, ever become involved with a person with a history of cheating, either as a cheating spouse, partner or as an OW or OM. Sure, folks can change but why risk it when there are millions without this history.
Second, solicit the impressions of family and friends. They, often, recognize something is off but do not come forward for fear of angering you or interfering.
Look at bad credit, poor work history, criminality etc.
Again, this is way down the road. But, it did help me understand what I had been dealing with when I started learning about the Cluster B personality disorders.
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 2:53 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
Thank you, Linus. I will definitely be A LOT more cautious the next time…I hope there’s a next time.
I honestly believed he would be 100% faithful because he had also been betrayed by his first wife…I figured because he knew the painful hell of going through the aftermath of adultery…and his wife was BAD…he went through a terrible ordeal…that he COULD NOT POSSIBLY BETRAY ME!!
But he did…and now it appears he may have some serious SA problem that he kept hidden for 15 years.
HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:04 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
My ex was also cheated on in her 1st marriage. I think the problem with assuming they are safe if they have been cheated on is there is no guarantee the other partner didn't just get there first or maybe they did cheat and just were not caught. Then there is the whole midlife crisis, but there were certainly red flags early on. She was always the princess with high expectations. She ultimately destroyed the one thing I thought was indestructible; my love for her.
BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
But he did…and now it appears he may have some serious SA problem that he kept hidden for 15 years
Really? Is he beginning to open up and share the truth with you? I believe that he has a long history of this, even with his ex wife.
Remember that your WH is a liar, manipulator, cheater....
I remember my deceased WH deflected the truth about me to other people and coworkers. He made ME out to be the bad girl, the one who was cheating, crazy, had issues, etc just so that he could get away with having other women while he was away from home several days a week while he was at work. Telling others that we had marital problems and he was going to leave me because of this reason or that reason. And when he would come home to the country for several day's, he played good husband and father.
He designed his lifestyle so that when he was living near his work for several days at a time, he could have a city women and they could go out and have fun together, enjoy each others company. And then when he came home, he could have his country girl and country life. He loved his COW cake at work and then he got some more cake ME at home! And he thought that what he was doing was okay! The norm for him. And if he really believed that his behavior was okay, then he should have shared who he was with me so that I could have made my own decisions about his lifestyle that he chise for us. And when he was divorcing me because he loved his affair partner that he didn't tell me about, I was happily moving forward.
I wanted to know the truth about who he really was. Throughout the years he would always drop hints to me about his interactions with other women. I would always ask him if he were being faithful to me and he always told me that he was and would NEVER hurt me... but he was lieing and he did hurt me, multiple times. He even came down with genital warts but he convinced me that it was something else.
In my heart I knew what it was but again stayed in denial because he would NEVER cheat in me.🙄 I do remember telling him (after the warts showed up on his penis) that I didn't understand but my feelings for him had changed. In fact, I told him that I found him repulsive. And after that period in time, I never had the same love for him because subconsciously I knew that he had cheated with another women because this time the proof was there.
And prior to his death he started to come out and even drop even more hints to me about his truth but I was still in denial and wasn't quite getting it because he talked in circles. But after his death and the fog began to clear from my mind, his truth came into the light.
I am still baffled by the person he really was. And my family also feels betrayed by him. He let all of us down. And honestly there is no excuse good enough for me to justify his behavior because in the end, he knew that it was wrong.
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
I am a believer in The Truth Shall Set You Free.
Doesn't mean you need to know all of the gory details of what they did together (unless that is what you want to know), just means that you now are working from the side of truth instead of his lies, deception and denial. It also can give you clarity of all of the question marks that you had in your brain when something felt off.
I now can go all the way back 35 years and am able to clearly see who he really was. Kind of disgusting but am glad to be out of denial and see his truth instead of a bunch of lies that he told me and I also told myself about him.
I am SO disappointed that I overlooked those red flags (gut feelings) from the very beginning. Those flags were always there but I chose to ignore them because I loved him and thought that once we married he would miraculous become a faithful partner in life. How dumb and nieve that I was.
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
HeartFullOfHoles, I feel you. Because I loved him so much, and I thought he really loved me too and was faithful, this is brutally painful to deal with. My first husband was cruel and had no passion for me…I’m not sure why he married me, to be honest - to have a young, naive, nice Italian girl, who would cook and clean and raise babies, faithfully? Who knows. After he betrayed me, I knew it was over…and it shattered my life completely.
This time feels worse in many ways…I feel as though I’ve lost my soulmate and the true love of my life…it’s so sad to discover it was all lies.
HMH, I’m so sorry for all the shit you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing those painful details of your experience. Everyone’s story is so hard to read…so painful and unbelievable that humans can do such despicable things to the ones they claim to love…
The trauma is killing me. My IC asked me today if I had suicidal thoughts…I don’t this time…but I’m just in so much friggen pain. All I want is to have my loving, faithful husband’s arms around me…but he doesn’t exist anymore. I’m so effing sad.
reeggiwwcom ( new member #79611) posted at 12:27 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
I am so sorry this is your new reality. I just found out 8 weeks ago that the promises of fidelity from my WH were broken the first time I went out of town. He too looked me in the eyes before I left saying I have no reason to be anxious about leaving, he could never hurt me again, it was a bad time in his life, he would die of the guilt if he ever cheated on me again and then he promptly went to the prostitute he had already scheduled.
So he took the forgiveness I offered 9 months ago and threw it back in my face.
So with this said, cheaters are very crafty liars and manipulative, so be careful, he might patiently wait out your anger while remaining in touch. I have been advised to have zero phone and text contact. God Bless!
Writersblock122 ( member #54683) posted at 12:35 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
What you are feeling is totally normal. We've all been there. The difference is that you are much stronger than some of us, even though it doesn't feel that way now. Stick to your guns no matter what. Eventually, he may try to gaslight you. If that doesn't work, then the waterworks start, along with the excuses and how you are the love of his life and he can't live without you, blah, blah, blah.
I know it feels like your life is over and that you've lost your soulmate. A big part of you dies and you have to treat it as such. You have to mourn. Take it one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow. Don't worry about what he's doing. I sometimes wish we didn't have to be so anonymous on this site so we could share deeper friendships with those going through the same painful experiences, but I totally get why this site is set up that way.
But also understand SA is VERY hard to cure. The cure rate is something like less than 10% or some ridiculous number. If you want to understand it a bit more, there's a great article online called "The Porn Circuit". It's by Covenant Eyes and the PDF is free to download. It has some really great information that will make you understand how the SA brain works. Also look up Sisterhood of Support on YouTube. They have videos specifically for SA spouses. You can also join their support group if you don't want to feel all alone. The biggest thing for me was feeling like I was the only person in the world going through this and that nobody understood my feelings, fears, etc.
Also, please keep posting and reach out privately to any of us who have been in your shoes. We are all here to help!
M 2003 BW:Me; WH:diagnosed SA Multiple D Days: D Day #1: 7/30/16 D Day #2: 8/8/16; D Day #3: 9/1/19; D Day #4: 8/12/21
Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
reeggiwwcom…omg…that is absolutely despicable what he did to you! I’m so very sorry. These mofos are so unreal. My heart aches for you. What a nightmare.
How did you find out he betrayed you again?? Did he confess??
Thank you for the advice and warning. Right now, we still have a bit of text and phone contact, but I know I will have to cut it off completely at some point in order to fully move on. It’s just so hard because I still love him and care about it…even though he’s put me in this hell.
Writersblock122, thank you for the advice.
I just feel sorry for him sometimes and I want to hold him…I just want this to be a bad dream…but I know it’s not…it’s my reality. He’s a sick man and I have to let him go. I know that. My heart hurts so much.
He’s finally going to therapy, but he will have a long road ahead of him…and I just can’t risk anymore trauma by him…he already done so much damage to me…he ripped my heart and soul out.
I will check out those SA resources…thank you.