M 2003 BW:Me; WH:diagnosed SA Multiple D Days: D Day #1: 7/30/16 D Day #2: 8/8/16; D Day #3: 9/1/19; D Day #4: 8/12/21
I am back....again
I never thought I would have to post to this site again, but here I am. I won't go into the dirty details of my last few betrayals-you can find them on my profile. I've been lurking for a few days and it's nice to see some names I recognize from 2016-Bigger, Spaceghost, Tushnurse. I'm so happy you are all on here still helping others.
After D Day #3 in 2019, WS said he's definitely done with all the lies and is seeking more IC. My problem is I always give him the benefit of the doubt. However, the counselor was very religious and he is not. Her counseling used bible verses to teach psychological lessons. I saw him reading the bible daily and thought to myself, "this is great! Maybe he really is turning over a new leaf. Maybe he just needed to find God to help him through his mental issues." The counseling was online, so he could contact her any time. The other part of me said he's being dubious here. He hired this counselor because she is religious and therefore he could take her with a grain of salt. He wouldn't really get anything out of it, except checking the box that he did it.
Fast forward to a few days ago. He left his phone on the counter in the kitchen and I just happened to be standing next to it. A WeMe message popped up on his phone. I thought to myself, "I never remember him saying he used that app." Red flag. Heart sank. I waited until we went for our walk later in the afternoon and brought up phone apps. I talked about some of the apps I use daily and how I don't really like social media in general. I then asked him what apps he uses on his phone. He listed some out, but did not mention MeWe, so I said, "don't you use MeWe, too?" His response, "No, I've never even heard of it. Don't know what that is." Heart sank even more. I waited until we came home from our walk and calmly asked him for his phone. He reluctantly gave it to me and hovered over me. I walked into our bedroom so he wouldn't hover, but he followed me. I pulled up his MeWe account. As soon as I pulled it up, he grabbed the phone out of my hands and stated, "what I do on my phone is none of your business. It has absolutely nothing to do with you." I lost it, guys. I lost my shit and just broke down crying. I said, "I knew you were cheating on me again. My gut told me you were" (lessons to newbies-ALWAYS trust your gut). He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing (gaslighting), even though he wouldn't let me within six feet of his phone. I said, "I don't even need to see the conversations. You lied to me." I ran into the bathroom and just sobbed. I cried for hours. I've been on this site long enough to know when the WS does not let you see the phone and is gaslighting you about it, that means there's something on it they don't want you to see. I definitely know this and that's why I lost it.
You may be asking why I give him so many chances. It's because I love him so much-I would step in front of a train for him and I am a tenacious fighter. I want to uphold our commitment. Aside from the D Days, we had what I thought was a great marriage. I always thought he was "THE ONE". I'm realizing he may not feel the same and/or his SA is so strong, it defeats any love he may have for me. He's willing to give up a 20 year relationship for sexting.
I called a lawyer on Friday and will be filing for divorce. There's only so much my heart can take. I'm broken. Every time I go through this, it gets worse. I was suicidal when this happened in 2019. I hope the newbies reading this take it as a lesson that you MUST put your foot down immediately after D Day 1. Otherwise, there WILL be a second (and more) D Day. It will not stop. Do not think you can love this person out of an affair. I am a highly educated, attractive and successful woman. It does not make one bit of difference in this situation. It isn't enough.
I should have filed for D after the first or second D day. If I had done that, I would not be sitting here typing this to you now. I take full responsibility for doing this to myself.
15 comments posted: Saturday, August 14th, 2021