SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you so much....the heartache is simply too overwhelming at times...thank you for your kind words of support. It means so much.

Riverz:

You have been heard! Keep venting! I am very sorry you are going through this, but you have support here. People here know this pain.

There is no way to understand the mind or reasoning of a cheater. I believe have known a few people like your WH. They selfishly protect a part of themselves from everyone. Porn is a good example. They are able to compartmentalize their selfish desires and rationalize that it is separate from their daily lives, and doesn’t hurt anyone. Of course I don’t know him and I am only surmising from what you have shared. But he needs intensive counseling to try and become a safe partner for anyone. Good luck.

Riverz - how are you doing today?
I cred most of the morning and was so exhausted that I took a nap in the afternoon (ok, after I took my sedative). I truly feel like I am living hour by hour. How are you feeling today?

AJLT, thanks for asking. I’m sorry your day wasn’t great…today was not good for me either. I am just so very sad. I’ve been crying a lot today. The grief is so painful. It’s 11:30pm here and I’m in our bed…I actually ended up painting and rearranging our bedroom and buying another bed frame…I needed things to look different, you know?

But as I sit here in our bed, with the empty spot beside me, I’m sobbing. I JUST WANT MY FAITHFUL LOVING HUSBAND BACK…but I know that he wasn’t what he made himself out to be…he’s a liar, a cheater, a selfish betrayer, an abuser, a deceiver. All the things I never thought he’d be. I’M SO FUCKING SAD.

I feel alone…and hopeless.

I’m still waiting for my STI results…I’ll call my doctor again tmw. I also am taking a leave from work…I just can’t cope with anything else right now.

He took care of me in so many ways…and then to find out about the betrayal…it’s just so mind-effing.

Bizarre, isn't it?

My opinion is that their behavior was deeply ingrained early on, during the impressionable years. I know for sure that my deceased WH behavior was learned early on.

He so desperately wanted to be part of his dad's, older brother's and uncles world. But the closest in age to him was his brother, 11 years difference. So they pushed him off to hang out with the women in the family because he was too young to join the male grown-ups little club. His dad was also a pervert. I really don't think he had a chance to be a normal decent human being. They set him up for failure. Alcohol played a role in this too.

My deceased WH father and brother's would run to the livingroom window and plaster their faces against the window when a woman walked by. My husband told this to me. They all looked at porn and magazines, had strippers come to their houses... but my deceased WH was never allowed to join in. And he was young and he learned objectifying women was the norm. Caused his views about woman to be warped. He became JUST LIKE THEM just through observing!

There were red flags at the beginning of our relationship, they always were there. He was always chasing other women. I just chose to ignore.

HMH, I’m sure he’s got some shit that needs therapy…he’s a quiet man and he keeps things inside. I tried to get him to open up throughout our relationship, and sometimes he would, but obviously something went wrong lately (if I actually believe what he said about only being into porn for about a year and only screwing three other women, which I don’t!)

I feel sorry for him, I really do. He’s never gonna be happy if he doesn’t get help. And he’s lost the best thing that ever happened to him - ME.

Who he is has nothing to do with you.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 5:08 AM, Monday, January 3rd]

My deceased WH was quiet too.

You’re right, who he is and what he’s done has nothing to do with me.

But I just can’t help wondering if I should have insisted he not work away from home so much, or get him to open up more…I know there’s nothing I could’ve done because he’s flawed…he said over and over again that he would never betray me, but here we are!

I wish I had never met him. I truly thought he really loved me…it’s just so friggen painful.

It is sick. I never thought mine was capable of doing what he did. I always believed that he would be faithful to me and even reassured me that he was, especially when I got this gut feeling and I would question him.

But as he got worse over time he started to "come out." I think that he thought I would happily go along with this lifestyle but in reality I felt trapped and didn't think there was a way out because I financially relied on him.

Besides the drinking he held down a very good career, took care of me really well, took care of the kid's. And at the same time, he lived a secret double life.

As you stated, his loss.

I hope I don’t have to avoid quiet men, lol…I’ll probably be triggered by them now.

My middle daughter is a quiet one, but she is smart and has solid set of values.

UGH…my heart and soul hurt so much.

HMH…omg…I can’t imagine feeling trapped like that…I’m so sorry you had to go through that hell.

It’s abuse, pure and simple. These people are abusers. And they’re so cruel.

People often say, "oh he probably really did and does love you, but blah blah blah". Well I will NEVER believe that an abuser/cheater has love for their spouse/partner. No one will ever convince me of that. I don’t give a shit what the books and the pros say…no way in hell can someone who truly loves you put you through this hell…NO EFFING WAY. They have no concept of what real love is…and that may be because they are fucked up and flawed.

But saying that he actually loved me while he betrayed me, while he was lying and deceiving, and screwing other women…NO. No way in hell. Believing that is twisted and harmful to my healing…LOVE DOES NOT DESTROY AND TRAUMATIZE AND ABANDON.

And also what I find interesting is what you just said, working away from home.

My deceased WH also made it so that he too wouldn't have to come home on a regular basis because he moved us out to the boondocks, almost two hours from his work, just so that he didn't have to come home and be a good husband and father. He stayed in a room at his work and we also had a trailer that he could conveniently stay in close to his work. Perfect recipe for that kind of lifestyle. Cake eater to the max. I really don't think about what I could have done differently except for see the red flags as they were.

Now when I look back (we were together 35 years and married for 32) I have so much more clarity. I often think man child. Lol Or he didn't want to divorce me because he didn't want to share his hard earned money with me. He wasn't done playing. I can go along with this one because he changed his mind and decided that he didn't want to play house anymore. Nothing really mature about any of his behaviors.

HMH…what the hell is wrong with these people??? All the destruction caused…hearts broken, families and lives destroyed.

It’s so tragic.

Haha that is funny. Just ride it out as I am also doing. I still have pretty bad days because I am also grieving his death. Unfortunately, I can't escape the grieving process of his death and all of his betrayals. And you too are grieving the death of what you thought was a beautiful union.

It sucks because we did just about everything together, especially when we moved closer back together again. Our lives were very entertwined dispite his cheating and lieing ways. He got a lot of his kibbles from his work environment which made it convenient for him to continue his "wrong" lifestyle. But me being closer made it almost impossible for him to act out so much anymore. Poor baby. But he tried.

Totally agree! CHEATING AND LIEING IS NOT LOVE! LOVE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THIS!! And I LOVE your attitude!

You are so strong and your belief system is intact. His loss. Good for you to have such strong values and to hold yourself in such high esteem. I applaud you.

HMH, Im so sorry for your grief…I’ve heard before from others who have been betrayed that they still grieve the death of the betrayer…you still shared a life together…makes sense, although he defiled your marriage and abused you.

Thank you for the support, but I sure don’t feel strong right now…I’m so broken I don’t know where I am or how the hell I’m gonna make it through this time around.

I’m crying myself to sleep most nights…and if I don’t take Lorazepam to sleep, I have terrible nightmares. I’m just a basketcase who sometimes has moments of clarity that hurt like hell…like the fact that our relationship is over after 15 years…such a hard thing to accept. So fucking sad.

Riverz, HMH

Hang on both, you are doing great. These emotions, the anger, shock takes time to process. And it is 110% valid and right. Take it day by day, your clarity will come over time, it is a long journey through infidelity. You both are strong.

Keep posting.

What is wrong with these people? How much time do you have?

Cliff notes version is that they are personality disordered. Translation: selfish assholes with no empathy.

Riverz,
Your story sounds so familiar. I agree with others that your WH probably/likely has a sex addiction. Of course, this is purely based on what your told us. There may be other mitigating circumstances. A counselor should be able to officially diagnose him. The one common thread all of us SA BS has is we hear the same excuses. I learned long ago that SA are able to shelf one life for another as needed. They turn off their husband brain and don't think twice about hurting you. Once they do the deed, that husband brain is turned back on and they go on as the best spouse in the world. They are like Jekyll and Hyde. My H even told me that his cheating/sexting has "nothing to do with" me or our marriage and that his sexting is none of my business.
You are so brave and I admire you greatly for leaving. I wish I had done the same during D Day#1. I totally get your pain and loneliness. I, too, thought I married my soul mate and he was the last person I thought would hurt me. After D Day, I felt like I've been living a lie all these years. I was suicidal for a while and could not imagine my life without him. Many of us are not as strong as you. We endure the pain and blame ourselves- "If only I did xyz more...", etc. It does not help when you are being gaslighted and believe the lies.
I don't really have any advice for you. The advice you've been given is spot on. I just wanted to chime in and say how much I admire you for putting your foot down, no matter how much it hurts. I know exactly how you are feeling and it sucks.