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Just Found Out :
I Can’t Do This Again!

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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 9:14 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Sorry for the long post. Just over 15 years ago, I found out that my first husband, the love of my life, with whom we had three beautiful children, and to whom I was married for almost 20 years, betrayed me. He had an emotional and then sexual relationship with his first cousin. My lawyer later said it was barely legal. He destroyed me completely. I was with him since I was 16 years old. He was the only man I’d ever loved and ever been with. He traumatized me beyond words...too many details to go into now. I barely survived that trauma...I even thought about suicide, just to stop the immense heartache...but my children kept me alive. My husband was was not very loving towards me...and I never felt we were very close...he was often mean and cruel. After his betrayal, I knew in my heart I could never trust him again. It was the worst time of my life, but I eventually survived it. We separated and then divorced.

Around the time of my separation, I met a man who also had experienced the trauma of betrayal. We began to spend time together talking and sharing our pain, and eventually it led to romance. It was like a dream. He treated me like a queen, so loving, so kind, so passionate...I had never been treated that way before. We had a bond, which eventually led to a long term relationship, which lasted 15 years.

On Saturday, December 18, we decided to go away for the night to spend quality time together. We were so happy. We had been apart a lot because of his work, but I trusted him. We often discussed trust and he fervently assured and made me believe that he would never betray me. He actually said things like "I would never do anything to risk losing you". He would tell me about the guys at work cheating on their wives and how disgusted he was. How the guys would screw escorts at their hotels and go to strip clubs, but he would never do that! We had many, MANY conversations about betrayal and he always told me that I too better never betray him.

Well, I find myself once again a fool to have trusted a man who said he loved and respected me. At the hotel, I saw a picture of a woman’s body and I questioned him. He denied everything...then I demanded to see his phone and found disgusting pictures and videos of himself in sexual acts. He claimed those were for me. Then I searched his phone further to find deleted texts to escorts asking what they do and how much...and with the whores responses. I WAS DEVASTATED. I also saw a text to a man with a photo of my husband’s dick and him commenting about having oral sex with this guy’s wife. HE DENIED EVERYTHING.

I had my son come and pick me up...I did not feel safe driving home with this pig I did not know. I AM UTTERLY BROKEN BY THIS. He finally admitted to some things...but I don’t believe anything he says anymore. This man has destroyed me...how could he do this to me???? He KNEW how much I suffered because of the first betrayal...how could he do this to me?? He is a monster. And we are finished.

I am so devastated and traumatized. We were going to grow old together. We were planning our future. He was so loving to me...he told me many times and made me feel like I was the only one for him. His deception and betrayal have abused me to the core of my soul. He told me we were soulmates. How the eff do you do this to your soulmate???? He’s a LIAR. And I feel so used...he slept with me after screwing those whores without telling me...without giving me a choice! I’m still waiting on my STI results.

Thank you for listening. I am seeing a therapist and my family doctor is very supportive. I just feel so alone...and I miss the loving faithful husband I thought I had. My heart and soul are completely broken.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706173
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

I am heartbroken for you. I really am.

As you know he has some serious problems — it’s not that you weren’t good enough for him. HE wasn’t good enough for YOU.

Do not blame or second guess yourself.

I’d like to reach out and just slap him!!!😡

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706178
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 10:01 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Thank you for responding, The1stWife...I just can’t believe I’m in this hell again. I’m 53 and feel so alone. We had planned to retire in a few years and travel. Now I’m so lost. I’m still in utter shock of his betrayal.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706180
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry for what you're going through. For him to know what it feels like to be betrayed and then to do it to you knowingly... What a c.... My heart aches for you.

Please take care of your own physical health. You are strong to have made it through betrayal once already. Can't offer much advice only support and camaraderie. [[[Hugs]]]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:09 AM, Tuesday, December 28th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706183
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:34 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

River, I am so sorry for you.

While my deceased WH was still alive, he told me the same things about never cheating on me. He not only reassured me on several occasions that I was safe. And he also told me that I had better not be cheating on him as well!

I have figured out in the course of our entire marriage up until his death, he had at least two long term affairs and 8 one night hook ups. I'm sure that there were more. You are not alone in this dreadful reality you now call your life.

I know that it's horrible, especially since this is your second betrayal but you can and will come out of this on the other side. And I know that it isn't easy, as I've been dealing with my fallout with my deceased WH death (3/2020) and his affairs and the truth of who he really was these past several years.

It sucks, it really does. And those who have gone through this or who are currently going through this doesn't deserve it. It's like doing the time for a crime that we didn't commit.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8706184
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

He is an addict. It isn’t you, it’s him. He should not be married or in a long-standing relationship. His addiction is just as strong as a heroin user’s.
Do not take on this as his doing it to you. He is doing it to himself. What sad man he must be.
Sending you virtual hugs.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8706191
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

So sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

Just wondering, when you first met, and he discussed how he was betrayed, did you ever have confirmation that he was telling the truth? Could he have possibly been betrayer and not the betrayed and he preyed on a vulnerable woman knowing full well how the game of infidelity is played.

In any event, please take care of you. Post as often as you need to, you will received a great deal of support from members who have walked in your shoes.

[This message edited by annb at 11:24 PM, Monday, December 27th]

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8706193
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:41 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

River I am so sorry that this has happened.

This is your second time through this. I am going to suggest that you put on some sparkly bitch boots and kick his ass to the curb, and strut around while you are sorting out business. He needs to know that this is done, the fact that you bonded so compassionately to survive infidelity, makes what he has done simply cruel. No one does this without being seriously messed up, and he needs help. Just not from you.

None of this will be easy, but the one person you can trust is you. You deserve so so much more.

Some of that business that needs sorting.

1. Lawyers
2. 180 (please read in the healing library)and Planning your next steps. Or lining up your ducks.
3. I assume he is out of the house. So you need to sort out living arrangements, etc.
4. Self care. Eat, sleep, rest, exercise.
5. Find someone to talk to. IC, trusted friend.
6. Think about what you want to share with the world
7. You also need some time sitting in the emotion, just try not to let this overtake you for too long. Easier said for sure.

You also need to think about if R an option or not. After some time you may feel differently, and that is ok, as long as you are making a thoughtful choice.

I feel for you, and can relate to the disgust of a spouse going to sex workers.

Be kind to yourself. Nothing you did caused this. Nothing.

Hugs

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8706201
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 12:26 AM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Thank you so much, everyone. You are so awesome. I feel grateful for being able to express my pain to people who understand.

He has taken full responsibility for the destruction he launched onto our relationship...he is not blaming me at all. We have texted and talked on the phone, and he sounds remorseful, but I seriously don’t give a rat’s hairy ass! He’s even cried - I mean, sobbing...first time I’ve seen/heard him cry. So maybe it’s sincere...but I deserve better.

He moved out willingly, has made no demands, is wanting to do anything without asking for anything in return...good because I can’t be bought!

Annb- his ex-wife definitely cheated on him...I verified it. But what kind of a sick effing prick turns around and puts someone through this hell again??? And he still claims he loves me...it enrages me when he says that!

I wanted to talk to him tonight because I needed the truth about his actions...not that I believe anything he says. He disgusts me! He told me he is disgusted with himself and is sorry for everything. He’s saying all the right things...and our conversations shift between us sobbing and me screaming at him saying what a betrayer, abuser, selfish pig he is...and he takes it.

How do people do this to the ones they claim to love?? This makes me crazy...just CRAZY. We were supposed to be soulmates...we were so close, we were happy...not perfect, but happy.

My heart and soul hurt so much.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706207
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

This is a difficult situation BUT you seem to have a refreshing clarity on where you are in all of this. Good job!

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1784   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8706211
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:44 AM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

How do people do this to the ones they claim to love?? This makes me crazy...just CRAZY. We were supposed to be soulmates...we were so close, we were happy...not perfect, but happy.

My heart and soul hurt so much.

I am so sorry you found yourself in infidelity HELL again (((HUGS))).

Everyone here has given you great advice...and you already know that you WILL get through this Dear Lady. It just really SUCKS right now!

I was 53 also when I found out my 2nd H cheated on me...after he saw the devastation I went through when I found out my 1st H had cheated.

My 2nd H was cheating when he was working alone...out of the state or country. The loneliness along with his drinking and porn use were a perfect combination of excuses for him to cheat. NOTHING about an affair ever makes sense though. I was just as lonely...but I made the choice not to cheat. Your WH could have made the same choice that YOU did!

As soon as my H confessed to having a physical affair...I immediately told him our M was OVER. Like you...there was NO WAY I was going to be put through all of that mess again!!!

This time though...my 2nd H was different than my 1st H...and I made the choice to stay and see if things could be worked out. It has been over 7 years since my H confessed...and I can honestly say that I am very HAPPY that I gave my 2nd H another chance!!

ALL affairs are dealbreakers. PERIOD. We each have to decide if we WANT to make a new deal. Whatever decision YOU ultimately decide to make will be the PERFECT choice for you!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5811   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8706220
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:41 AM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Want2BHappyAgain, I can’t believe the similarities in our experience...thanks so much for sharing. Wow...even in our second partners....like, he just confessed to me that he has been watching porn for about a year before acting out on his disgusting fantasies. He also has been working away from home a lot...even though we talked EVERY EFFING DAY...and he ALWAYS reassured me that he would NEVER do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I trusted him so much.

When I hear him on the phone sobbing out his apologies, taking all the blame, and telling me how it’s killing him what he did to me and how he can’t bear not having me in his life, my compassionate heart grieves for him. And then when I think of the disgusting, vile, selfish, deceitful, betraying things he did to me, KNOWING IT WOULD KILL ME, I am filled with rage and apathy.

Someone said on another post that the betrayed spouse gets a really shit deal compared to the cheater when it comes to reconciliation...we have to deal with all the trauma of their abuse and deceit for the rest of our lives, while they get to "work on doing better". Part of me says EFF OFF. I want to heal from this and live in peace. I cannot live the rest of my life wondering where he is, or who he’s talking to. But, #respect for those of you who have decided to walk that road...you are saints.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706234
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 2:34 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Riverz, so sorry you found yourself in this ugly situation once again....

He told me he is disgusted with himself and is sorry for everything. He’s saying all the right things...and our conversations shift between us sobbing and me screaming at him saying what a betrayer, abuser, selfish pig he is...and he takes it.

Want2BHappyAgain, I can’t believe the similarities in our experience...

Unfortunately, I see one major difference here...: Want2BNappyAgain FWH confessed, yours looks like is just "sorry" he got caught.

Or is he glad that he got caught that he now might try to stop his addictive behavior? Did he heal with IC after his xWW betrayal (though it's not your problem, the healing was completely on him)?

I just can't imagine the mountain of work your WH has to do to change himself to become a safe partner to you... However, everything is possible...

Strength and healing to you!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 4:12 PM, Tuesday, December 28th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8706259
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:55 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

I wish I could find a Ted talk about sex addiction. She’s a therapist from Britain and says that it is a true addiction. She said she sees men so miserable because they cannot fix what’s wrong with them. One man said he would give anything to be able to get married and have children but he knew he would never give up this addiction. I find this so sad. I just cannot imagine being married to someone whose entire life is focused on having sex with multiple partners.

Your H needs intense therapy, single and group, if he is ever going to overcome a life long addiction. I followed a few blogs by women who dealt with this. Only two husbands were able to break out from it. All the others could not give it up.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8706267
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 4:23 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

TruthIsPower, you are so right. I FOUND OUT ACCIDENTALLY...he did not confess willingly.

Yesterday on the phone, I asked him if he had any intention of telling me about his betrayal...he said no....because he didn’t want to hurt me....EFF RIGHT OFF. I told him he should’ve not betrayed me to spare me this pain! I asked him what kind of marriage can continue on a foundation of deceit and betrayal? It’s all about him...he’s a selfish bastard for what he’s knowingly putting me through again in my life.

He says he doesn’t know why he did it...BS...same bullshit story my first husband told me...until he finally said he "did it because he WANTED to do it." Well congratulations on doing what you want without any regard for the nuclear fallout for your wife and kids.

I don’t care about taking care of him anymore. He recognizes he has a deep problem (way-to-go, Sherlock), and is going to counseling this week...but I’m so tired. I was already tired of life before all this nightmare came out. I just want to be left alone, try to gather the pieces of my life together AGAIN, and find some peace and happiness again. I’m just so sad about everything.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706273
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Yesterday on the phone, I asked him if he had any intention of telling me about his betrayal...he said no....because he didn’t want to hurt me....EFF RIGHT OFF.

"No" means he's NOT willing to become aware of his actions and admit them, not willing to admit and change his belief system. And considering that he HAS ALREADY hurt you tremendously after making the choices he made and conscious decisions that he made... Dangerous and you are right: "EFF RIGHT OFF"!

Now it is time to regroup and take care of YOU! However, you rightfully know this was not caused by you. True, this is sad, but you'll not be sad till the rest of your life... Could be time to "break the pattern".

(((Wendy))))

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8706281
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Cooley2here, what you had to say here is so profound!! It made perfect sense to me when I read this.

He is an addict. It isn’t you, it’s him. He should not be married or in a long-standing relationship. His addiction is just as strong as a heroin user’s.
Do not take on this as his doing it to you. He is doing it to himself. What sad man he must be.
Sending you virtual hugs.

I wish I could find a Ted talk about sex addiction. She’s a therapist from Britain and says that it is a true addiction. She said she sees men so miserable because they cannot fix what’s wrong with them. One man said he would give anything to be able to get married and have children but he knew he would never give up this addiction. I find this so sad. I just cannot imagine being married to someone whose entire life is focused on having sex with multiple partners.

Your H needs intense therapy, single and group, if he is ever going to overcome a life long addiction. I followed a few blogs by women who dealt with this. Only two husbands were able to break out from it. All the others could not give it up.


I also come from a line of addiction. Just from my immediate family alone three of my brothers were severe heroine addicts and (other drugs included) and alcoholics. Two out of 3 of them have already passed away, early deaths and my WH too. My deceased WH was also an alcoholic but had quit for several years before he started up again his last year of life... then the addictions (and not only drug addictions) trickled down to extended family as well; grandparents, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephew's. Mainly it has been the males in the family with the addiction but my niece is a severe hoarder which is another form of addiction.

River, I 100% believe what Cooley has shared with you, that your WH is a sex addict. My now deceased WH was also a sex addict and I'm sure that I don't know the extent of who he really was either. But I will tell you one thing, he always went on Craigslist.

Please take into consideration what Coley2here has shared with you. I also agree that you too are dealing with a severe addict.

Cooley2here, can you message me the name of the blog that you followed for awhile? I would like to read it too.

River, try to take care of yourself. As you already know, you are now suffering from severe trauma.

I am sorry that you ha e found yourself in this mess again.

posts: 796   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8706287
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SEX ADDICTION. speaker is Paula Hall on TED talk. Youtube.

I don’t follow those blogs anymore. The women were all so wounded. One man had cheated for over 20 years but worked very hard to overcome his addiction. His wife never knew until it all blew up.
The second woman has some serious physical problems because her husband was a serial cheater and was diagnosed as SA. They appeared to be working through it.

Please, anyone living with a SA needs to watch the youtube

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8706334
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 Riverz (original poster member #79713) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Thank you so much, everyone. I am trying to make sense of everything in between the intense waves of grief and loss. I will watch the video too.

He has a lot to work out in his life and I truly hope he gets the help he needs. The addiction to porn seemed to play a big part into graduating to the next level of physical betrayal. He says he only started the porn about a year ago...again, I believe nothing this liar says. He says he felt so guilty and was drinking more than usual to try to numb it, I guess.

He has allowed his destructive behaviour to rob us of our happy future...all our hopes and dreams. To have that happen to me twice in my life is completely overwhelming and sends me into despair. I just don’t see how I can fully recover this time...I’m trying to be strong and positive for the future, but I’m so lost about everything.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706349
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:11 AM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

The addiction to porn seemed to play a big part into graduating to the next level of physical betrayal.

That's what started my fWH down that road too. Ultimately, I do believe that cheating is about character. It's about core values, integrity, boundaries. If a person has their values right and they're living the things they've claimed, things like Fidelity and Honesty, there's nothing that can MAKE them cheat. But I don't think my WH had really put much thought into what he stands for. Not really. When he started watching porn behind my back, I do believe he got a notion to act it out, and I think that notion got inside of him and burned and prodded until he was willing to undergo the mental gymnastics it took to give himself permission to cheat and lie.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's all so fresh and the trauma is so awful. Do try and prioritize your self-care; eat right, sleep right, hydrate, avoid alcohol, and get some light exercise. Read in the Healing Library. See your doctor for STD testing and stress management. Pamper yourself. The amygdala of the brain (fight, flight, freeze) can't differentiate between emotional pain and clear present danger. It's going to unload adrenaline and cortisol on you either way, which will eventually have you feeling sick and queasy all the time. It's so important to take care of yourself.

You're going to get through it though. The pain is temporary and finite. You've survived this once already, so you KNOW you can do it. And if there's doubt, look around you.. we're all living proof. You're going to be okay. Hold onto that.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706354
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