SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T/J

Marlita - you may want to start your own thread - you will get more support and advice that way.

Lalagirl…thank you!

Thank you for the replies.

I am home - Australia is somewhere we lived for 5 years. I am blessed because I have the support of family here.

I am aware of where the money went to - over $5000 in a go fund me page a friend of hers started, to help her start a new life after her divorce. iPhone, Nintendo console to help her keep her mind off things ;/. A few payment adding up $15,000 or so to what he said was her lawyers fee according to her. A few $1000 payments to her, gifts etc. Trust me I grilled him about everything. She leeched on him. I know he was not planning on moving in with her because she has a young child and I know for a fact he is not keen on raising a young child anymore.

My husband has always been a generous, kind man and never said no to someone in need. He has helped heaps of people financially and has never asked for the money back. That’s just who is is. This time he allowed himself to get emotionally involved with someone he wanted to help. He was in a group on twitter and she was in that group. She reached out to him and that is how it started. He allowed it to happen and I am angry about that - yes! I have noticed now that she is spending more time talking to another guy since he’s removed himself.

We will try and work on R and see where it takes us.

But no, I am not letting my guard down and he knows it.

[This message edited by GShale at 1:56 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Is your husband with you? How did you get home so quickly? I’m so glad you have your support system around you. That must’ve felt so lonely knowing your family was away from you and he was not paying attention to you. I hope things go OK

My husband of 18 years, the father of my child, my best friend is now half way across the world in a hotel room with someone he met on Twitter.

He told us he was feeling stressed and needed to travel (we travelled a bit pre-Covid). Said he felt like he was falling into depression. As much as I did not want him to go, I felt if that is what he needed to do to help himself then I needed to help him do that. I should have followed my gut telling me something was off. I brushed it off thinking I was over reacting.

Whilst he was on the flight to NY, I found out that he’s been having raunchy communication with a woman he met on twitter. The moment I saw the chat, how he was putting me down, how he professed his love for her, the talk about sex, the secret calls in the car after dropping our son off at school - my world fell apart.

what he was in the past, “kind and generous”, does not match how he has treated you, his wife nor his child. Why didn’t you get the kind and generous?

He told this woman he loves her, he spoke poorly about you to her (gently, trash talking spouses is not common) he dumped his family to not only put this woman’s needs above your own for some time but then leaves you during a pandemic because being with her physically was more important to him then his health, your health or your child’s health. Have you gotten a STD test? And has he?

A kind and generous person doesn’t commit infidelity on all levels, financially, emotionally and physically.

Only you know why you now trust his words and believe the liar, regardless of grilling him, that’s your choice but please, you have been advised more than once you’re not ready for R. He needs individual therapy, this wasn’t a case of him getting sucked in by a leech, he made continuous choices to commit infidelity in multiple areas over a long period of time, in your own words he fell in love with her. without therapy (not MC) to fix his ‘why’ you are setting yourself up for false R.

Find a good IC for both of you, not the same one as biases can develop. You’re putting too much pressure on “I must R” don’t focus on R, don’t focus on MC, you both need to heal/fix if you want a successful M moving forward. Baby steps, it’s hard work, and there is no race to the finish line. I hope you read back on all the advice provided because you have received quite a lot of wisdom.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 7:05 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Welcome back to Australia mate.

Double post

[This message edited by straightup at 7:18 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Thank you LostInHisFog. I always saw him as a kind and generous man because he always goes out of his way to help another. That’s now forever shattered for me.

I still cry everytime I think of what he did. It was nasty, calculated and wicked.I cannot talk to anyone about it without crying.

We have not been intimate since he returned. He has his full check up next week. I am not in a hurry for intimacy.

We have gone for one MC but have decided to put that on hold till we are done with our IC. He goes 2x a week. Yes we both agreed it would be better to work on our individual selves before we can work together.

Shale. Just remember.. he planned it. He planned EVERY BIT OF IT. That is not a mistake. That is a plan of action and execution that didn't "just happen" "was a one time fuck up" or my least favorite "it was only sex". It clearly wasn't any of those. He came up with a plan, he colluded with the other woman, he deceived you (not very expertly) and spent money on plane tickets and hotels (BOTH of your money!!) to have his little love vacation. No matter what happens next, always remember this was a conscious decision by your husband to inflict this upon you. I doubt he thought he could hide it forever. So you have to ask him, was he staging an exit? Did he plan to abandon you and his family? I'd be very suspicious of anything coming out of his mouth right now. He's lied before. A LOT.

Well since I last wrote, it’s been a rollercoaster.

Husband left my son and I last Wednesday. After I confronted my husband about the affair in June, he said he wanted to work on the marriage and lied about how sorry he was. He played my son and I. He deleted his twitter accounts, blocked her through his email, deleted telegram etc etc. And even changed his phone number. But since then I caught him communicating with her 3 times and every time I caught him he said he was leaving and I talked him out of it.. Last week I saw an email he sent her and he decided he was leave again and left. The email mentions something about leaving our home when I am not home. He was behaving like the remorseful loving husband these past couple of months and I cannot believe how stupid I was to trust him.

He wants a divorce. I do not recognise the man I married.

Now I need to remain civil to make sure he does not give us a hard time financially. I am devastated, sad, angry and just tired. I do not deserve how he’s treated me. I am so so tired and scared but I know I will come out of this stronger. I have not worked full time since our son was born 15 years ago, had to move country because of his work. Now I need to find full time work, and purchase a home for my son and I.

I have good support of family and friends around me so that is a blessing.

This is all a nightmare to me and I want to wake up :(

Nealy always the best option is to deal with the situation using the best tools available to you each time.
Your husbands actions don’t match his words. At first he claimed to want the marriage, now he’s left and says he wants a divorce.
Has he filed? Or is this demand just as empty as most of his earlier words…

In the strongest way possible I suggest you do this:
Seek guidance and support from the most steady and logical friend/family member you have access to. It doesn’t need to be your best friend or the nicest person – just the one you KNOW will be a rock, logical and sensible AND on your side.
With that person find a good, competent lawyer.
File. File ahead of your husband. Depending on how the law is you can put a freeze or hold on joint accounts, retirement, loans… ensuring your rights if this goes further.

You don’t need to push the divorce any more than you want, but what filing can do is prevent your husband from moving assets, creating debt or otherwise endangering what probably are marital assets. It ensures your rights and creates a legal process to ensure your child get’s financial support from his dad.

GShale -
I’m sorry to hear things havent gotten better. He’s a snake & not worthy of you. I’m glad you’re making plans to move forward for the bests interests & you & your son. I’d recommend you file ASAP to thwart your STBXH from continuing to spend marital assets on these hoes.

I do not deserve how he’s treated me. I am so so tired and scared but I know I will come out of this stronger.

Exactly! Keep this truth at the forefront of your thoughts.

Gshale,

I would suggest you follow the instructions given to you by Bigger above. I would have written the same thing. Right now, you want to protect you and your son financially from your Husband whose in lalaland. He is going to blow more money on that skank and you want to put an end to that today.

Your H is in Lalaland, he is fantasizing running away with this women, but he will get a rude awakening. He won't be able to move to another country, b/c he has a child with you there. He will also realize at some point that this chick is just using him for money. Their fantasy wont end well for your husband. I guarantee that he will come back begging you to take him back, but by that time, you would have known that he would be blowing his money left and right on this woman and her child.

Don't listen to his words any longer. HIs actions show you who he is. He has continually lied to you, stolen from you and your son. You need to document his time away from your son, and his text messages saying he wants to go and be with some lady in NY. Take control of your life and seek full custody of your son using his actions against him.

Hi G’Shale. Sorry this happened. I am Qld based but know some good family law barristers, if you need to talk to one message me. I’m a lawyer, but in a different field. For US readers, family law in Australia is federal law so is the same across States. It is a no-fault jurisdiction, and questions of interest of the child and status quo are important.

Gshale…
I don’t know how spiritual you are but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you share on a totally anonymous site and along comes a person that can offer exactly they guidance you need. In the strongest way I possibly can I encourage you to accept straightup’s offer for guidance.

straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 11:15 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Hi G’Shale. Sorry this happened. I am Qld based but know some good family law barristers, if you need to talk to one message me. I’m a lawyer, but in a different field. For US readers, family law in Australia is federal law so is the same across States. It is a no-fault jurisdiction, and questions of interest of the child and status quo are important.

Bigger is right, please contact straightup ASAP! File as soon as you can to halt your WH from doing you financial harm.

Thank you for all the advise.

I am not in Australia. I lived there for a few years. I have engaged a lawyer through another lawyer friend and he will be filing for me shortly.

I am focused on keeping this amicable and get the best possible financial protection. I do not want this to get nasty only because of our son. It is already painful for my son and I.

My son and I are blessed to have so much support around us. Family and friend have rallied around us checking in on us everyday since this began.

Thank you straightup for the offer to help, I would take you up on it if I were in Australia for sure.

[This message edited by GShale at 2:00 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

Sending strength and solidarity GShale. I’m glad you are well supported. Your child is lucky to have you.

Thank you for your kind words straightup

I have asked him to come by for dinner with our son and I this evening. He says he will. If he does or changes his mind - is all up in the air.

I need to keep things civil so he does not make it difficult for my son and I. Also for him to remember that he still has a son who needs him. The other woman will only be too happy to have him all to herself and her 4 year old daughter. I know my husband is going to wake up one day and regret he left us because we are worth fighting for.