Newest Member: Strugglinglady

Just Found Out :
Broken and lost

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RedGlass ( member #74015) posted at 11:25 AM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

Yes, you do need to gather information and as much a possible before he flies back. Hire a private investigator if you can afford it. A counselor and a lawyer, as shark like as you can afford.

He flew off on a personal, just for him vacation in the middle of a world wide pandemic? To be with someone he met on Twitter?

If you're not angry at this outrageous selfish behavior towards you and your child, I will be for you.

He is not thinking about your health, mental or physical, nor your son's either.

Are you really sure you want someone this self absorbed in your life?

She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2020
id 8663684
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Well it’s been over a week since he has been home. The day after he returned, we had it all out in the open. He has cut off communication with the other woman who was really using him for money. Found out he has been sending her money for her rent, to pay her bills etc.

He is transferring all monies in other accounts to our joint account. He is remorseful. He will be making arrangements for us to see a marriage counsellor.

I am still on edge and am now unsure what I want. I want the marriage to work but am unsure if there is a marriage to save. He says he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage and our family.

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8668702
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Be careful about marriage counseling. Most MCs treat infidelity as just another marriage problem, i.e. something both partners are responsible for, and will often advocate for rugsweeping to move forward. You should vet any counselor carefully on their view of infidelity, whether IC or MC.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 376   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668703
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 5:16 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

GShale,

I highly recommend you avoid MC until your husband has gone to IC to determine why he made the choice to commit adultery and how he can prevent it in the future. Until that happens, MC will not help and could hinder/rugsweep.

I find it odd that he has flipped a switch so quickly from your first post

The moment I saw the chat, how he was putting me down, how he professed his love for her, the talk about sex, the secret calls in the car after dropping our son off at school - my world fell apart.

to today

He says he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage and our family.

I don't think a switch has flipped. Rather, he is in self preservation mode. Be aware of that.

Lastly, why has all the monies been transferred to your joint account. It should ALL be transferred to an account you and you alone control. He has shown a profound lack of judgement and used marital funds to finance his AP. All funds (including salary deposits) should be sent to your account and you should be paying all the bills until this gets resolved one way or another. You should not be at his financial mercy. Not after what he's done...

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8668712
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 6:55 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I do not think love is what he feels for me because if it was love he would not have done what he did. He is only doing this now because I found out.

I am angry and sad at the same time and now I am starting to feel disgusted.

I need to find some healing for myself.

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8668740
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 8:35 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Your healing will need to be separate from him which is why IC is a much better idea right now than MC. You need a place where you can focus on YOU and YOU alone. You need a place away from him and his issues where you can really figure out what you want and how to get it with or without him.

If you're still wanting to do MC, AT LEAST get the both of you into IC while you do so that he is figuring out his issues while you are working on healing and you're not both ignoring that in favor of working on the marriage. YOU are not the client in MC. The marriage is meaning a MC will often overlook your healing if it means keeping the marriage together and will overlook holding your WH responsible for his A if it means keeping the marriage going longer even though those are both short term bandaids that don't address the real individual issues both you and him will need to in order to truly heal and R. If you want to do this right, going to MC right now is not the way to do it.

posts: 5024   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8668760
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:51 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Yes the old “I’m sorry I’m made a mistake” routine.

Please don’t fall for it. He left you for the OW.

He wants to do marriage counseling? Don’t do it. Not yet. Let him prove his commit to you by showing you he’s changed. Make him PROVE (by his actions) over time he really really wants to be married and monogamous.

Too often the cheater does a band-aid fix by attending a few marriage counseling sessions and saying “all is good” without addressing the issues, the choices etc. it’s called “sweeping it under the carpet” and CHEATERS love to do this.

If he avoids discussing this for the next few years 🚩

If he refuses to be transparent and accountable 🚩

If he won’t give you passwords to his phone etc 🚩

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10732   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8668762
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 9:08 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

My biggest concern reading your posts is that you were in a very vunerable position and he had you frightened to do anything. It's been over a month since you told him you Know he is having an affair. He has been home a week. It doesn't sound like you have access to all of the accounts yet. He's a banker, that should have been taken care of right away.

He has been paying for her rent, and other items, flying out to visit, staying with her and her child and ignoring you and your child. Many, many lies to you and to her. I would not fully trust that it's remorse he feels for what he has done to you and to your son. It could be regret that he got caught.

It doesn't sound like you feel safe in the marriage right now (not talking about physical abuse, talking about trust).

You wrote several times about going to see a lawyer. Have you done that yet? Even if you want/hope/pray that reconcile will workout you need to see a lawyer to find out what your options are. To find out what to do if he does this to you again. You need to get advice so you don't end up in the financial situation you were in before.

Do you have access to all of his communications to make sure he isn't continueing the affair?

I agree that MC isn't going to help. He needs IC and IC would be good for you too.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8668768
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I don’t think either one of them need therapy. I think she needs a tough lawyer to go after her share of the money and then take her kid and go back to Australia. What he did is beyond. It really is. He was on the other side of the world and something could’ve happened to his wife or his child or both and he would not have known because he was not communicating with them. That’s egregious behavior and I don’t think he needs to be forgiven for any of it.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2954   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668778
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:01 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

He's living the life!
I feel sad for you and your children. Is this just a recent event or he's been doing this stuff for a while now?

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668822
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 10:36 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

So it’s been a couple of weeks since he’s been back. I confronted him about the affair soon after he returned. He denied it at first but then admitted to it after I told him I knew for sure and named his affair partner.

He seemed remorseful and immediately deleted all her contact information, removed himself from the site he met her, blocked her from his phone and email. Has since changed his phone number, I have access to all our bank accounts from which I discovered that he’s spent well over $25,000 of our savings on this women in 10 months. She has managed to get him to pay for some of her lawyer’s fee (she is apparently divorcing her husband of 5 years who she claims is abusive), bills and bought her gifts. We have also changed our credit cards since she’s managed to get him to give that to her. He is shocked at the amount he’s spent, says he did not realise.

We have talked about the affair and he realises how this has damaged our relationship which he wants to work on fixing again. This is going to be a long road and I am not sure I will ever feel the same for him. I am seeing a counsellor and he is looking for one too and we will go for marriage counselling together.

I still cry heaps when I am on my own and am trying to stay strong. He knows what he has done to the family.

[This message edited by GShale at 4:40 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8671441
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:08 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

My now 2nd xww, was in a 6 month ea with "val kilmer "...and gave him over $69,000.00. I divorced her. She was only embarrassed that she wrecked our finances.

Keep in mind you wh was willing to do much the same thing...

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671442
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:08 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Extra special triple post

[This message edited by redwing6 at 5:09 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671443
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:08 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by redwing6 at 5:08 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8671444
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 2:41 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I discovered that he’s spent well over $25,000 of our savings on this women in 10 months. She has managed to get him to pay for some of her lawyer’s fee (she is apparently divorcing her husband of 5 years who she claims is abusive), bills and bought her gifts. We have also changed our credit cards since she’s managed to get him to give that to her. He is shocked at the amount he’s spent, says he did not realize.

I still think you should talk to a lawyer so you know what your options are. That's a huge amount of money... he's a banker... he should have had a clue about how much he was spending. It sounds to me like he though it was OK because they were going to be together. He was helping pay for her divorce. (huge red flag). Gave her a credit card (they were playing house - another huge red flag).

I don't want to be a downer on your R I just want to make sure you have an alturnate plan. You were really left in the lurch before and he didn't fly immedately back when you told him you knew about OW. He stayed there for the whole vacation. (red flag).

What actions is he taking to help you heal? To understand what a huge betrayal this was? Has he read books on helping you heal from the affair? Do you have access to all of his devises? Did he write out a timeline. How did he meet her? Answered all of your questions?

Again, I don't mean to be a downer but this was a huge betrayal that required lots of prep, lots of lies, lots of money, time... and he suddenly cuts her out of his life? Maybe, but I'd be prepared incase you are in fake R. You don't want to end up in the same situation you were last time.

Good luck

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8671492
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 12:08 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

So his job is banking but he didn’t realise he spent so much? He couldn’t account for his own wealth Please tell me you don’t believe that lie.

MC is not going to help, you need IC he needs IC, MC straight away is just throwing money into fire. MC is for marriages not for fixing individual issues around infidelity, MC won’t fix his ability to ignore you for a week so he can sleep with OW.

Have him give you a couple of years back date of payslips, paper or electronic and see if he is making as much as he claims. If he doesn’t have them payroll can produce these. You have access to accounts means nothing if he has organised split pay via payroll.

Have him work on how he is going to recover some of the funds back.

He has been seeing this woman for longer than you think, one does not pay and give cc details to a new relationship, this was support.

The average lawyer retainer fee in America is around 6,000 so where did the rest go? 20,000+ is more around house down payments, has he purchased this woman an apartment and is her child his?

Guilt, embarrassment, shame, pitying is not remorse. Being cut off from someone who makes him feel good is going to make him feel really bad now, withdrawals can come in tears and sadness, this is also not remorse.

Do u trust he won’t use his work devices to continue contact?

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:16 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 183   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8671682
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Read Lostinfog again. You know only the tip of the iceberg. He might be on dating sites. How did he meet this person? There is a lot to uncover. It’s human nature to want to believe him but he has shone his disdain for you by being on the other side of the world leaving you and his child at the mercy of any pitfall. Get some heavy mental boots. Get a steel backbone and make him get you in the loop financially.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2954   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8671686
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 12:59 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

GShale,

You state

I have access to all our bank accounts from which I discovered that he’s spent well over $25,000 of our savings on this women in 10 months. She has managed to get him to pay for some of her lawyer’s fee (she is apparently divorcing her husband of 5 years who she claims is abusive), bills and bought her gifts. We have also changed our credit cards since she’s managed to get him to give that to her. He is shocked at the amount he’s spent, says he did not realise.

It is good you have access but more importantly, do you have sole control? This new information further emphasizes your husband's poor judgement and mountain of lies. I agree with LostInTheFog - You need to get control (not just access) of these accounts and review his pay stubs ASAP. He may still be hiding payments and there is NO WAY he didn't know how much he was paying the OW.

Have you informed your family (your parents, siblings, his family) about what is going on - you may need their support going forward. Especially if you decide to return to Australia.

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8671691
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 2:24 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Please listen to what others have posted to you. No MC. Not now. Not yet. Unless you get a very, very good MC they do you more damage than good. If you do decide to do MC anyway and the MC attempts in any way to suggest that you may have played a part in his adultery fire them.

There is nothing you did or did not do that made him cheat. It is 100% his issue. Totally his issue. Do not get trapped in any way to take on any responsibility.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4679   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8671714
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 4:09 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

It’s 3 years since d-say, 6/24/18!

I still can’t get over it.

Met 12/2008

Married 7/6/13

Discovered his other life 6/24/18.

He’d been with another woman, in another state, for 14 years!

Everything is still a mess!

No kids together. I have 2, from a previous marriage.

He totally fooled me!

Too much to type….

I am stuck!

My kids love him….

But once I found out, that felt like the love of my life died.

He’s been making positive strides, and proclaims that he’s different now.

I’m not interested into anything about him!

He totally disgusts me!

Trapped beyond belief!

Again, too many factors to type.

Just waiting for someone better to come into my life…..

posts: 55   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8671733
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