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Finally grey rock

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DanielJK posted 5/24/2021 07:45 AM


Oh yeah.

I have a black lab. He is the most gentle, docile male black labs you will ever meet. He's 3 years old and has a very good temperament. I know many people say that about their dogs, but this kid is one of a kind special...he doesn't jump, he never chewed a shoe, never got into the trash, listens very well, etc.

I am thinking about signing him up for one of those pet therapy things where they visit hospitals and nursing homes.

TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 08:57 AM


Not everyone has the resolve, fortitude, and clarity you had on DDay, TheWrongOne.

It is because I went through it once before. That is the ONLY reason it was easy for me, that and because I really don't love my wife anymore. That is the big difference.

I made all the mistakes a betrayed guy could make. I am not saying Daniel is doing it wrong. I see a lot of myself in him, and what he is going through triggers me and brings up painful memories.

TwoDozen posted 5/26/2021 00:58 AM

Good luck today Daniel

Hope all goes well with the new home

Keep us posted


DanielJK posted 5/26/2021 06:16 AM

Thanks TD.

Closing is at 11am today, bittersweet.

I thought I would be a little more sad yesterday and last night knowing it would be the last night in the house I've called 'home' for the past 20 years. It's where we raised our kids...memories, etc.

I held out hope up until today. Still thinking perhaps today would be the day that my wife would finally say she loves me and everything will be OK...sorry, no Hollywood ending for you DJK.

But it wasn't too bad, no tears shed...I'm looking forward to the closing and starting to move forward and healing from this nightmare.

I always appreciate the support I receive here and especially the private messages.

The advice here is lightyears ahead of anything one would receive at MC.

I know most here say to wait a while before dating again. I will wait as long as I can, but I really miss having a loving companion in my life. I miss it terribly.

I'll perhaps start a new thread when divorce finally comes and the final nail in the coffin the done.

You folks are the best.

asc1226 posted 5/26/2021 07:53 AM

I held out hope up until today. Still thinking perhaps today would be the day that my wife would finally say she loves me and everything will be OK...sorry, no Hollywood ending for you DJK.

If this had happened it would have been just another cake eating gambit at your expense. If she ever does decide to address her brokenness itís going to take years of work, and whatever the catalyst for that decision looks like I doubt it will have any resemblance to a Hollywood moment.

Sheís not a safe partner for anyone. There will be further casualties.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 7:54 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 5/26/2021 15:54 PM

Itís totally up to you but please drop the hopium pipe. Itís gotten you nowhere.

You are fairly young and could still have a great life. You wonít get there keeping yourself mired up in this.

Not making a decision, etc. especially when youíve got nothing to work with is keeping yourself in limbo.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/27/2021 17:29 PM

DJK - I'm of the school that its okay to date in divorce as long as you're upfront about it. Plenty of people will date in divorce, b/c divorce can take a long time to get done. It took me close to 2 yrs. I think if you're up front about it with whomever it is that you're dating about your situation, it should be fine.

Good luck with your move out to the new house. Just look at it as a new adventure. There is nothing good left for you in the old marriage, your WW is just not safe. Its good to drop the hopium man. That does you no good. The sooner you go NC, do the 180 and drop the hopium, the sooner you'll be able to date. Just look at it that way. YOu're in no place to date if you're still hoping your exWW comes crawling back to you. And you know what, she is not going to do that.

DanielJK posted 5/27/2021 19:18 PM

Yes, I am having trouble putting down the hopium pipe. I liked being married. I was proud to be married. But...

I moved yesterday.

Spent the night in the new house. Unfortunately I ruptured my bicep tendon moving stuff...now I'm excited to do things, but can't do much because my right arm is lame.

Brought my daughters here yesterday. They were excited to pick out which bedroom they wanted...younger daughter finally gets the bigger bedroom, she's excited. Had dinner with her tonight, I was glad she wanted to get take out and eat at the new house. We had a good time.

Got my fire pit and Adirondack chair...sitting here right now with my dog. Finally some peace.

EllieKMAS posted 5/27/2021 19:56 PM

Finally some peace.

And when you start questioning things, remember THIS.

You deserve peace djk. I'm glad you're moved and that you're building new memories with your girls. Huge steps for you!

asc1226 posted 5/27/2021 19:59 PM

Congratulations on getting some space. Hope the busted wing doesnít slow you down too much.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 22:15 PM

If you cut contact youíll be amazed at how fast clarity comes.

Just remember words donít mean shit. Only actions count.

See a doctor for that arm.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:15 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Ripped62 posted 5/27/2021 23:40 PM

Be cautious about jumping into another marriage. You may be vulnerable based upon some of your comments. You do not need to place yourself in another hellish relationship.

Take care of your arm. Stay no contact. Stop smoking hopium. A life outside of infidelity is wonderful!

BetrayedGamer posted 5/28/2021 11:50 AM

Glad you are finally out and on your own. Now NC and lack of hopium temptation will be easier to follow, and you'll get used to the new normal. Our timelines are so similar, I'm just a few weeks ahead. It will be cool to see how our summers turn out as we journey away from the As and the hell they caused.

gmc94 posted 5/31/2021 12:47 PM

Hey Daniel - just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing in the new place.
Hope it's going well and the view is beginning to change.

TwoDozen posted 6/1/2021 05:30 AM

Hey Daniel how are you doing brother?


DanielJK posted 6/1/2021 08:17 AM

Hey, thank you for checking in.

Things are OK. Been in the new house since last Wednesday. Getting a bunch of stuff delivered tomorrow...I'll finally have a place to sit (I'm taking the living room furniture from her house, movers scheduled for tomorrow).

It's good to have the space. The distance definitely helps. Trying to stay busy with house projects, but I tore my bicep tendon moving...which really sucks because I can't do much and I've got things I want to do.

My daughters will stay with me next week. I'll probably go out a get some stuff for their rooms today...I'm off until Thursday.

I don't like being alone. This is not what I wanted. I'll have to find activities to keep me busy. I hike with my dog mostly...that's my main get out of the house activity right now.

I met a woman who walks her dog at the trail where I walk my dog. We crossed paths several times, I asked her if she would like to go out sometime. We are walking together later today. She made it clear she is not looking for anything (friend zoned right away), which is OK because of my situation. We exchanged phone numbers. She's very nice...we chit chat when we see each other on the walking path...so at 530 today we will meet for a hike at another trail. It's nice to have a new friend.

My STBXWW called the other day to ask how to use the lawn mower. My gut wants to say "call AP." But I told her how to work it.

My father is 90 and starting to slide into dementia. I took my daughters to see him, STBXWW wanted to go...I obliged. It may be the last time she sees him. When I dropped them back off at STBXWW's house, STBXWW started crying when I was leaving. WTF? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes (credit TD).

I don't feel quite right...but everyone keeps telling me a new normal will emerge. I wish that new normal would hurry up and get here...I'm very impatient.

The new house is walking distance to a package store and a Mexican restaurant...what more could a bachelor ask for?

[This message edited by DanielJK at 8:18 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 6/1/2021 08:55 AM

Sorry man but no contact means no contact. If you donít cut the cord you will keep yourself in this.

You donít owe her anything now.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:53 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 6/1/2021 12:11 PM

My STBXWW called the other day to ask how to use the lawn mower. My gut wants to say "call AP." But I told her how to work it.

Geez man it's like all cheaters are working off of a script. Mine did the exact same thing. I think she was trying to get me to make the 30 min drive to help her, I just walked her through it. Later she told me she had her brother do it (another guilt trip).

I look at it this way, let them keep calling for this and that. It's not hurting me, it's actually a bit reaffirming...you threw me out for your infidelity now you keep needing help with this and that. I don't know about you, but for me I don't care if she keeps calling me for help on things, I'm not calling/texting her about anything, so I'm showing that I'm fine without her and the A while she obviously is having some issues.

BluerThanBlue posted 6/1/2021 19:20 PM

The next time she ask for something simply donít respond. She will figure it out. Furthermore, donít let her invite herself to family outings. Your Dad has dementia and instead of coping properly with that sadness, sheís switched your focus to her tears.

But I get it... youíre used to being her husband; itís a hard habit to break. The only way is cold turkey.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/2/2021 07:58 AM

The next time she ask for something simply donít respond.

Agreed. That is the definition of grey rock. STBXWW is just trying to draw you back in.

everyone keeps telling me a new normal will emerge.

Timing is different for everyone. Some more some less. You have the right plan, to keep yourself busy. In my experience, this definitely helps.

Your STBXWW also needs to recognize that this is the new normal. "Family" outings have a different meaning now. Stop subjecting yourself to the pain. I know it's hard to say no, but you will be better off. I expect that once you do that once or twice, she will stop asking. It's not mean, it's just reality. You shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Congratulations on the new place and new friend. Hopefully you will meet a few more friends and find some new activities to help fill out your time.

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