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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:00 AM on Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

Perel seems to be the go-to book for WS’s seeking some kind of justification.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4598   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8711636
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 8:49 AM on Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

I read it, or listened to it, one or the other. It was before I found this place. I was in a bit of a rough state. She’s not very popular here. She is a bit flexible and anything goes. Still she is an intelligent person and has a graceful manner about her. I couldn’t help but think that the best bits of her had little to do with the concepts she was speaking. She could be insightful, often charming, very occasionally stern. That doesn’t tell you much I guess. I would find her delightful company at a dinner party.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 173   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8711679
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:02 PM on Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

State of Affairs, IMO, is about what is. It's not about what should be. Perel reports without judging, and adds a small amount of pop psychology to her reporting. She accepts what people say about themselves and their cheating without questioning her subjects' (lack of) self-awareness.

I believe she has a lot of valuable ideas. I looked for them in SoA, but couldn't find them. She could have and should have done better, IMO. My reco is to skip it unless you have nothing better to do. I've almost put it on my 'don't pass this on, trash it' list on Goodreads.

(signed) sisoon, who thinks Perel is generally given a bad rap on SI

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8711727
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

My reco is to skip it unless you have nothing better to do.

I disagree a bit in that it might give him insight into the former Mrs. Fibble's thought processes in the near future. Of course I'm always reading something and figure you get a little truth from anything even if it's just insight to another's perspective. I'm kind of wired to stand in front of the information firehose and filter out little tidbits here and there.

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8711760
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 11:30 PM on Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

I can't imagnine she would pull anything Ester Perel out of the hat to trick you.

The key question here is: why do you even care what she reads?

P.s. congratulations on your new job! Enjoy your free time 🙂

[This message edited by Walkthestorm at 11:32 PM, Tuesday, January 25th]

posts: 120   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8711804
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:29 AM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

Mr F - congratulations on so adeptly detaching and moving forward. It also appears that you successfully disentangled yours snd your WW’s lives vis a vis finances, family, mutual friends, etc. I’m sure it looks easier than it actually was.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8711861
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:07 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

I mean I guess it is a good thing that she's continuing to read. It means she wants to be a better person, which can only be a good thing for the kiddo.

As to manipulation material, who cares. At this point I'm sure that you can spot that from a mile away.

posts: 1780   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8711876
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 3:04 PM on Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Thank you for your input. I know she read at least a dozen infidelity related books during our attempted R, but I have never before seen this one, so I just wanted to know if it's worth reading. I think I will get a copy because.. why not. I will come back to let you know what I think.

The key question here is: why do you even care what she reads?


I don't. Maybe a little. Just caught my attention. I am observing her actions without any agenda if that makes sense. And I have to say she's been very consistent with her efforts to stand up to herself and to face who she is or was. I have to give her credit for that.

Mr F - congratulations on so adeptly detaching and moving forward. It also appears that you successfully disentangled yours snd your WW’s lives vis a vis finances, family, mutual friends, etc. I’m sure it looks easier than it actually was.


Well, detaching and moving forward are two different things, at leaset in my book. I am a bit lagging on that detachment thing, but I have to tell you, physical separation is great help in that regard. Real healing didn't start until she moved out.

We are separated fully when it comes to finance and our responsibilites, but I believe we will never be fully separated when it comes to how we feel about each other on that very deep level. There is just too much happy past memories for that. I would be lying if I would tell you there are no moments when I think we should have tried harder. But I guess that's pretty common, unless you know.. you divorce a real witch.

Not that I am unhappy. I actually kind of enjoy my peace. Being on my own here and there. But what I am missing is sharing all this with someone.

Darn, that sound pathetic, doesn't it? laugh

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8712080
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iggyb ( member #74562) posted at 6:03 PM on Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Darn, that sound pathetic, doesn't it?

Not at all, it's honest.

Be happy MrF

posts: 61   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8712124
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 6:22 PM on Thursday, January 27th, 2022

No it's not pathetic. Not at all. It's very human.

About the book. It could be an interesting conversation between the ex and youself 🙂. I mean if you read Ester without the infidelity googles you might actually identify with some of the things she writes. I think if one good thing you can get out of Esters philosofy on infidelity (if you can call it that) is that no matter the "exuse" for the affair, it is never personal even if it affects you on a very personal leval.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8712126
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 7:22 PM on Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Observing her actions is the right move on your part. Unless I’m reading you wrong, I sense a desire that you might want to explore R. I hear hesitancy, however, if it’s actually something you even wanted to explore in the first place.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8712137
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 8:02 PM on Thursday, January 27th, 2022

But I guess that's pretty common, unless you know.. you divorce a real witch

I am not so sure about the above. Yes, she is a cheater, a liar and all that. However, I do think she did put in an honest effort to amend her wrongs. There are more WWs who act with more malicious intent then your XWW. I am not defending her infidelity but just not seeing her as a witch.

Good Luck.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8712149
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 6:14 AM on Sunday, January 30th, 2022

Just crossed my mind. Ester has two books with matches on the cover. One is "State of Affairs" and another is "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence".

posts: 120   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8712710
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:17 PM on Sunday, January 30th, 2022

Just crossed my mind. Ester has two books with matches on the cover. One is "State of Affairs" and another is "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence".

Pretty sure it's still "State of Affairs". One the "Mating in Captivity" wouldn't make sense if Mrs. Fibble can't get Mr. Fibble to give her another chance and Mr. Fibble mentioned matchbook not matchbooks and Mating has four of them on the cover.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:18 PM, Sunday, January 30th]

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8712740
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 9:26 AM on Monday, January 31st, 2022

Unless I’m reading you wrong, I sense a desire that you might want to explore R. I hear hesitancy, however, if it’s actually something you even wanted to explore in the first place.


I am not even remotely close to allow myself to even entertain the idea of a possible R. Things are still too raw.

Wanttobebetter, sorry for the confusion, but I wasn't talking about my exW. This was all hypothetical.

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8712844
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:02 AM on Monday, January 31st, 2022

Mr Fibble

I want to start with the forewarning that I fear situations like the one you are in.
I have a close relative whose wife demanded a divorce. Totally out of the blue and no infidelity. The divorce went through but the decided to postpone signing the final documents. For the next 4 years they lived separate but married/not married lives. He was always hoping they could get together and she always gave him reason to hope. Even when she started dating another man. That was what finally pushed him over the edge to finish the divorce. Once he could really detach… he started healing.
This is what I fear in your situation. This quasi divorce/not divorced situation.


We are separated fully when it comes to finance and our responsibilities

Are you formally divorced?

Keep in mind that there can be legal implications still in place until you complete the final paper – the final signature. Things like inheritance, taxation, accountability…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8712847
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:24 PM on Monday, January 31st, 2022

I think Bigger kind of hit on what I was talking about - why I get this sense from your postings that you want to R yet don’t. The don’t want to R part I think is because you feel that your WW still needs to feel the consequences of her actions.

However, if your WW ends up eventually moving on with her life and starts to date, you will be extremely angry and say "see, she really didn’t care about me snd this marriage after all. A selfish person."

On the other hand, if your WW keeps doing the work on herself to show you she is R material, and eventually make overtures in that direction, you will be angry because you will say "see, she is not giving me space, she thinks it’s time to get over this, and that she is selfishly thinking about herself and not me."

This is the definition of you being in limbo and not detaching. My recommendation is either to detach completely and move on, or consider the R process.

You can’t hedge your bets. Your can’t stay in this limbo status.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8712878
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:38 PM on Monday, January 31st, 2022

Are you formally divorced?


Bigger, Yes, he has been for a few months. That doesn't negate your concern of Mr. Fibble staying in a holding pattern.


I am not even remotely close to allow myself to even entertain the idea of a possible R. Things are still too raw.

I think Mr. F's wise enough to keep as their relationship platonic as possible until both he and his WW are free of hopium. For the kids is a double edged sword. Sometimes they are the impetus to work through things and stay together. For those that go the D route, not wanting to put them through a second separation can be the impetus to not give it another go.

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8712893
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 11:13 AM on Friday, February 4th, 2022

I am just protecting myself, that's what I am doing. And focusing on kids. But I agree we are in this quasilimbo. At least on my side. She's very open about how she feels about me. But this isn't about paying price or punishing or whatever, at all.

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8713735
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 5:45 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Just wanted to stop by and tell you things are going well. smile

Hope you all enjoyed Valentines day as much as I did. Spending it by yourself has its perks laugh

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8716364
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