How to deal with divorcing a remorseful WS
I think it's time to open a thread in here since I got a confirmation of a court day today, one month from now.
If you did not read my previous threads in JFO/General here's a shirt recap:
STBXW had an EA/PA with her coworker last spring/summer. Didn't confess, had to pull it out of her over the period of many months. During this time she lied, TTd and denied until I set up a polygraph. Then she came clean. They didn't sleep together (but plans were made), but lots of meetups before/after work, kissing and so on.
Over the last few months she became more and more remorseful and aware of the damage she had done to me, our kids and our family. We tried to work it out, but I ultimately came to realization that this was a dealbreaker (as I knew from the beginning but tried to overpower my own convictions) and decided I want out. We went through her desperation, lashing out, outright refusal to cooperate to a mutual understanding that it's for the best and any other attempts to pursuade me to change my mind would be beating a dead horse.
So we filed for uncontested divorce, STBXW moved out and we started sharing our time with kids according to our agreement. No issues whatsoever, but she still makes it clear she wants to stay together no matter what, which obviously makes it hard on me.
So I would love any kind of advice you can offer. Also, I will probably have many question going forward and I hope you might help with that.
122 comments posted: Tuesday, August 31st, 2021
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2
Since my original JFO topic reached the limit of 50 pages, I decided to continue with a new one here in general.
If you want to read the whole thread please do here
593 comments posted: Monday, May 24th, 2021
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now
I have posted my story on another forum but I hope I might get better advice on here. I am sorry this is so long, part of it is copy&paste of my original posts since I want you to have full picture. Sorry if it's a little confusing
So here we go..
I (33) have been married to my wife (34) for more than 10 years, together almost 13. We have 2 small children.
After almost 6 years of being SAHM my wife went back to work. I was 100% for it, even though she assured me she's happy being at home with kids she needed a change. So she found a job in her field (banking) and even thought the transition wasn't all that smooth we got back into our routine pretty fast.
The only issue I had with this was her "relationship" with one of her male coworkers (27). I will call him OM to keep it simple.
It all started with occasional text and moved to texting almost every day (dozens of texts every day) and spending time together (about which she lied). When I raised my concerns I was hit with the infamous "we are just friends" and "you are controlling". You know the drill.
I met him once when I visited my wife at work and all my meters went off the charts - the looks between them, awkward silence when I was near, you know what I mean. After that day I was pretty sure something was going on.
This went on for a few months during which we were fighting almost every day. I kept telling her this puts an insane amount of pressure on our marriage but I was always shot down because "nothing is going on". I admit I went through her phone once and found that they text each other EVERY DAY mostly about normal stuff, nothing sexual, but it was obvious some text were deleted and some messages were very personal.
I couldn't take it anymore. So I told her we need to talk. Here is how it went (copy&paste from my original post)
Tonight after we put kids to bed I sat down my wife and told her that even though I might not look like it, this situation is eating me alive. She was obviously annoyed that I am not over this obsession and got angry at me again. I right away asked to see her phone and explained again why is this whole situation making me question status of their relationship. She told me this is invasion of her privacy but in the end gave up.
Well guess what. All messages between the two GONE. DELETED. There wasn't a single one. Even those innocent and work related. I was speechless. I asked her why she did that and what she thinks this stupid move is going to accomplish. Her reasoning is that I basicaly made her delete it all and that she stopped all communications with him other than work related. I knew she was lying.
At that moment I was not even angry, just very disappointed in her and even more hurt. We were going in circles for over an hour. I remembered your advice to not confront without evidence and keep digging and said to myself "there you go you moron, should've listended"
All this time I had her phone right in front of me on a table, going through it time and time again. And guess who deicided to text my wife at 10:13pm. His text was short, but still enough. It went "cant stop thinking about you. Hope you are ok". I just looked down where her phone lit, read the message and looked up at my wife. Wish I could snap a picture of her face. She knew it was him. I just stood up, went upstairs into our walk-in closet, pull out my bag and started packing stuff. She was right behind spitting BS like I took that wrong, it's not like I think it is and so on. I have never seen her so desperate in my life. Truly heartbreaking.
Didn't say a word to her, just took my bag and went for a door. She blocked them with her body and kept asking me where I am going. I was done with this at that point so I just told her to not contact me until she pulls her head out of her arse and starts thinking straight and I turned around and went through back door and jumped on a first bus that i saw. So now I am sitting on a bench in a part of city I have never been to in 6 degrees freezing my ass and waiting for my friend/collegue who is so amazing that he is picking me in his car and letting me stay the night.
After our confrontation I had to come back home because due to the Covid restrictions I had nowhere to go. My W tried to talk to me many times, but I was not ready. It took me few days but in the end I wanted to know the truth.
For those of you who don't want to get too deep into this I give you a short version:
My wife and coworker HAD an affair.
Or at least what i would call EA starting to morph into full blown PA
She admits They kissed (or made-out) twice, and that's it.
First time happened few days before i met him. That's probably why they were so weird around me. She said it happened in an elevator on their way back from one of their lunch dates. He just came onto her and she just went with it(Her words)
She says she immedietly knew it was wrong and told him it was a mistake and It won't happen again. He just told her "We'll see about that".
He was right, but still is shithead
Second time they spend 10 minutes making out in his car after work. This was late August. We started WFH in September.
There was no physical contact or even meeting in person after that.
Asked her how can she prove it was just that and it never went all the way. She was taken back by this, never thought about it, but after a moment replied she will find a way.
She is very fixated on a fact that they never had sex. Not that he didn't try to push it apparently. She says he wanted to, she didn't. Not sure if I believe that. Probably don't. It doesn't seem very probable that two adult people in an affair would not have sex. There were opportunities.
When I asked her why she didn't want to have sex with him she told me she knew there was no coming back after that.
No idea what's that supposed to mean. Any input on that?
Maybe she does see through me and knows where my lines are more than I do.
Also called her out on this shitty move - introducing me to a guy she made-out with (or maybe had sex with) few days before.
After this came breakdown number one. So we went out to catch a breath and came back in a few minutes.
I asked her multiple times again if she is sure they didn't have sex. Resolut NO every time. Told her should I found out at any point in a future they had sex i won't think twice about leaving.
They had been texting a lot, starting basically second week he came into picture. Mostly about innocent stuff but she admits now it was sometimes (read often) over the line. It slowly progressed from friendly to more intimate topics. She admits she kept deleting messages or whole conversations that were by her standards "too much".
I did not took this well and we had to have another break.
Apparently coworker was the instigator of most (but not all) inappropriate conversations. I told her It takes two to do this dance and that She is as guilty as he is, maybe even more. He isn't married to me, she is. She gave me the weakest "I know" I have ever heard.
She says they stopped texting few times but always got back to it. They didn't text much these last two weeks.
I then asked her about the text I saw. She told me he sent texts like this every time they were on a break as a way to suck her back in. And she was too weak and stupid to not take the bait. (Her words).
He often texted her this late since his GF works at a bakery and goes to bed super early. Poor girl, will sure as hell let her know who her other half really is. Apparently She even took a second job to push coworker through college. Some people are just scum. But decided to keep this to myself. Just in case
W is adamant they never spoke about future together, no ILYs or sexting. Again, not sure I believe her. Asked her if she sent him any photos. She would never! Yeah, right!
Also told her about text recovery software. Just to see her reaction because I doubt their security would be happy about me running recovery soft on their company phones.
She doesn't have a problem with that. Looked even happy about the possibility. Says if I saw all those texts It would prove she is telling the truth. Dont understand why she deleted them then. Her reply was she was ashamed and didn't want to admit I was right. Told me she now realises this whole mess could have been avoided if she were honest.
Too late I guess. But it's something.
At the end she told me she has a NC message ready and she wants to run it by be me and send it with me present.
Asked her how she plans to keep NC with somebody she works with. What if He needs to speak to her about work? She told me she doesn't care about Her job anymore.
So we did it. Right after we sent the message she blocked his number.
I didn't ask her why she had the afffair, I told her that is a discussion for another time. There will be many more talk I presume. I think I have a pretty good idea why but I want her to find out on her own. Maybe through therapy. We will see on that.
After she let it all out she asked me what I am going to do next. I flat out told her she had numerous opportunities to come clean and she didn't, so I think we should at least talk about getting amicable divorce. This made her so upset she started hyperventilating which resulted in her barfing all over our dinning table and herself.
Probably lowest moment of our lives. Cleaning up vomit from your wife's hair while She is bawling her eyes out. Great stuff. 11/10 would recommend
But that's where we are, I guess
Today i felt a little bit in control again. Good feeling. She wanted to hug me before she left and I kind of let her.
997 comments posted: Saturday, January 2nd, 2021