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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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Jacobwakeup ( new member #78699) posted at 9:42 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Much of Europe is just beautiful in the Winter but I definitely would not make plans to come to Europe at the moment because of the COVID surges and the new variant.

We live in the UK and travel extensively as a hobby. We have just had a holiday to Goa cancelled for January and have decided to holiday in the UK this year.

Despite all the tripe written on the CNN web site about UK tourism, the UK is pretty safe if you are double vaccinated for COVID. London is very much open for business, as are all the other historic and large towns/cities.

We do have high levels of cases but seem to have broken the link between new cases and hospitalisation/death. According to recent figures, 98% of hospitalised cases were unvaccinated so, if you are not vaccinated, I would stay away.

Hope you find something good to do.

Pottering About

posts: 29   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8700473
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 3:51 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

We might get called for service at hospitals, but nothing is for sure at the moment. I guess I will clean up the house before Christmas. Or buy tickets and visit some friends in London, thank you for suggestion. Still not sure if I can bear spending it with my exW tho

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8700588
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 7:00 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

And I have to be honest, I am not happy with how things are right now. Feel a bit trapped in my inner turmoil. Maybe depressed here and there. Sometimes angry. At myself. At her for blowing up our life. But If you would ask me if D brought me what I wanted I would have to say no. That's the harsh truth I slowly came to realize. I was put in front of two options, both in my eyes equaly wrong, and now it's more and more obvious how shitty my options actually were. I didn't ask for any of this, nor did I have any say in it. It's not fair, especially to our kids. So sad and angry right now, wish I could jist scream at her until my throat goes sore.

At 6 months out from moving out, this above explains very well where I am too.

I havnt found the peace I was looking for, I’m not happy, I’ve just made the lives of those around me as miserable as mine. Like your WW my WGF is falling apart dealing with the consequences she fought so hard to avoid. She is doing everything she can in her own way to make this right it’s just unfortunate those things are not any of the things I asked for. There have been times over the last 6 months where I’ve found strength but they don’t last long.

You are right there were no good options, I wasn’t happy in R and I’m not happy in S.

My family are acting like yours which makes it all the harder.

I am caught between my best friend who is a "burn the witch" type (ironically he is a wayward and still in this mindset if I’m being completely honest) and my mother (betrayed by my father multiple times) who still talks and meets frequently (like every week) with my WGF in hopes that we will find our way back to each other.

I was talking to a colleague a while ago (betrayed) who has moved on and even he is pushing me towards R if I can. I asked him outright if he is happy now, would he go through it again to be where he is now and he answered honestly yes, he is happier in his new life with his new GF than his old life and would choose to be betrayed to get there again, so why does he give me different advice?? It’s a minefield.

Wishing you strength.

TD.

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 396   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8701740
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 7:37 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I don't know if this helps, but I am a bit further on, so I'll share my perspective. It goes without saying that what we are faced with, choosing between R and D isn't that one or the other makes us happy. They both suck. But it about peace. I know this is my soapbox, but I really do think it's important to understand that one can be at peace and still suffer. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I had to deal with ever stage to get here and it wasn't pretty.

Peace, at least for me, doesn't mean happy or even hopeful. It means that my world has a calmness to it that just wasn't there with my STBXWW. During my attempts at R, I suffered greatly. I called it my make it til phase. I couldn't get through a whole day, so I would try to make it til break, then try to make it til lunch, the end of the day, dinner, bed, and finally try to make it til morning, and for one precious moment when I woke up, I forgot what my life had become. And then it hit me and my heart would literally break again. Wash, rinse, repeat. It wasno way to live, dying a little each day.

When I finally told my STBXWW that we were done,I simply stood up and went to bed. I was very sad that it was the end, but I felt an indescribable sense of calm that reinforced that it was the right decision for me. There have been many days I have struggled since, mostly with loneliness, but never have I been without peace. It's weird that peace can coexist with what I traditionally considered negative emotions. What changed for me was a simple piece of wisdom given to me by a monk I met. He told me that I was not my feelings. I simply experienced them and then moved on. This was a paradigm shift for me. Now I can be sad or lonely or even depressed, but I know that I just need to walk through it and it will be better. I learn from it and move on.

Not sure if any of that helps, but it's all I got right now. You got this Fibs. Rooting for you.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8701742
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:40 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

You can choose R or D — in the same way you chose to be happy or not. It’s terribly difficult to pull yourself out if that miserable depressive state.

But in the end your happiness is a choice you make.

I too struggled for years after dday2 while reconciling. At about year 3 I realized D or R were my only options. And both had its drawbacks.

I decided one day that I was not going to let his affair ruin another minute of my day. I had enough of living in limbo with my own up and down emotions.

I chose not to let his affair define my life.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11183   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8701751
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Justsomeguy that sense of relief you describe is something that never came to me. Or maybe it did, but it was very short-lived

I know that happiness is a choice (in a sense), but I need to find my own way to break this circle of self-pity before it destroys me. Things with new girl are going well, she makes me happy when I ma with her, but that's about it. But I decided to enjoy it while it lasts. But I was honest and told her I am not near being ready for a serious relationship and she is OK with it.

Very little contact with ex, but she's looking for a house to buy as a part of our divorce settlement so.. more time to throw some passive-aggresive hints at me I guess.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8701957
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Oh will you please please please stop overthinking everything.

YOU are your own worst enemy.

posts: 15   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8701994
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

This does get better. Unfortunately it doesn't get better without some effort. You are legitimately grieving the loss of your marriage and it's okay to be sad about that. That's completely normal. You're grieving a marriage and recovering from infidelity at the same time. While you're doing that, you need to take steps creating your new life. I don't mean just dating. I mean finding a thing you like to do (hobby, skill, volunteering, sport, whatever) that you didn't do when you were married. Differentiate your prior life and your current life by arranging your current life by doing what makes you happy without worrying about anyone else's opinions. Eat what you like, go where you like, watch what you like. This is the time to just do you. Be the most authentic you possible. Get selfish about it. Take your focus off of what you've lost and find what you've gained. The beauty of starting over is that you really do get to make a different life for yourself and you get to decide what that life will look like. You make all the rules. Is there a food you like but you rarely ate because no one else liked it? Stock your fridge up with it. Is there a show you want to watch but you had to share the remote? Those days are over. You own the remote. Do you like to take a random nap on a Saturday? Get it. These things feel lonely if you're focused outward. They feel like freedom if you're focused on making yourself happy. Treat yourself with all the love you can muster and find joy in doing good things for you. The grief will pass. The foundation you lay for your new life will help you move through it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4789   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8702022
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

[This message edited by Bezuidenhout at 10:50 PM, Wednesday, December 1st]

posts: 18   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8702027
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 10:06 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Thank you DevastatedDee, great advice. Friends help with this, too. Bought me a voucher for skydiving to "either cheer me up or finish the job" laugh Bastards. But I love them.

I met with my ex a few times last week and I don't know what it was, but it went surprisingly well. No drama at all.

She finally found a house, so I am in the middle of dealing with mortgage and all that. Even thinking about selling my house afterall. Find something smaller, livin on 4000sq feet most of the time alone feels like a waste.


Oh will you please please please stop overthinking everything.
YOU are your own worst enemy.

Well.. thank you for that. Tell me something I don't know.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8702890
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Bought me a voucher for skydiving to "either cheer me up or finish the job" laugh Bastards. But I love them.


Ha ha ha ha ha!! That's hilarous! But yeah, that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about! Doing something totally different. Make your life your own adventure! Doing stuff like that is a great distraction.

She finally found a house, so I am in the middle of dealing with mortgage and all that. Even thinking about selling my house afterall. Find something smaller, livin on 4000sq feet most of the time alone feels like a waste.

Yes. That too. Your house being so large doesn't work for you right now. Change the things that don't work for you.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:28 PM, Tuesday, December 7th]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4789   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8702902
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Find something smaller, livin on 4000sq feet most of the time alone feels like a waste.

To add that house will always remind you of the times you had there which was for many years a happy marriage. It's probably a factor in keeping you stuck reminiscing about what was lost.

posts: 900   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8702912
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

I know. It became huge ever-present reminder of my failed marriage. Funny how material things trigger an emotinal response. Smell are the same, at least for me. I have worked so hard for this house (literally and figuratively), so it's sort of unimagineable to let go of it. I guess I am holding onto it as a kind of last token of the past. But I need to be realistic.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8702919
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:21 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

It became huge ever-present reminder of my failed marriage.

Just remember that you didn't cause the failure.

But I need to be realistic.

Well, yes and no. A new adventure isn't a bad idea. The right type of adventure is, in fact, an excellent idea. If I had thought I'd actually practice singing, I'd take private singing lessons. Realistically speaking, I can't even imagine becoming a good singer, but I'd still like to learn to sing. If the house means a lot to you, and you don't have to sell because of legal or financial constraints, you don't have to sell - you can make a free choice and still be 'realistic'.

I guess I mean to say: 'logical' and 'most people would do it this way' are much different from 'realistic'.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26534   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8702924
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

Just remember that you didn't cause the failure.

I know. Doesn't change a thing thought. I am still struggling with the thought that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this.

Abou the house - I can do without selling. It's not about money. My new job came with a decent rise and I wasn't doing bad even before (work in IT in a banking sector so I am MASSIVELY overpaid). I can afford the upkeep pretty easily. As I said, it's about being constantly surrounded by remainders of my "old" life. I am thinking about remodelling few rooms. Afterall, I still sleep on the same bed I shared with my exW. The only thing I changed was I took down some photos and put my junk into my exW's walk-in closet.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8703081
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 6:48 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

For me the issue from staying in the marriage would be how to make a distinction between the wife really desiring me and the relationship or being motivated, primarily, by the desire to avoid more consequences and losing the lifestyle she had. How can one ever know and is it acceptable not knowing.

The cheating, in this case serial cheating, would seem to be a clear indication of her dissatisfaction with her husband and entire relationship. So, why the change of heart except for the consequences. The whole concept of mate guarding and policing is insulting and humiliating to the BS. They are an acknowledgement that his wife, essentially, has to be coerced into staying.

This man sounds like he has a fair amount going for him in terms of marketability. I doubt he needs to hold a gun to a woman' s head in order to gain her affection and loyalty.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8703083
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 7:07 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

MrF

Being in a similar situation to you I thought I’d add my experience.

Unlike yourself I decided I would move out. I didn’t want those constant reminders. But like you I also changed job (for a better one) the same week I left. I am financially very comfortable and I have a wayward who has given me a very amicable 50/50 split. She purchased the house from me and we split everything else within reason half / half. I am well aware that I am far more fortunate than many others on this forum, but does that make it easier, I don’t know.

Even with the new house and new job those reminders havnt gone, they still exist. Every single interaction with WGF brings something back, some as yet unearthed memory of happier times, a fleeting moment of amnesia before reality comes flooding back.

I have good days in fact more good days than bad days now but I still miss what was or what I thought it was. I miss the Innocence I will never get back.

If you want to keep the house, keep it, if you want to sell the house and buy something that suits your needs then do that but be aware that the memories are still there and will take time to work through. I am roughly 5 months ahead of you re separation.

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 396   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8703087
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 8:06 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

Well, maybe you haven't read the whole story, but she's not some kind of golddigger. Didn't ask for anything during divorce (although I can't tell know how much of it was her guilt), I have never heard her complain about losing her cushy lifestyle, she never asks for money and never heardna word about her living in an appartment(instead of amazing house) and driving used car instead of 80k SUV. She litteraly said she would go back to living in 2 bedroom appartment in a crappy neighbourhood if it meant we stayed together.

My exW is many things but a trophy wife is not one of them.

And I wouldn't call her a serial cheater. If sou are referencing that other guy few years back I don't consider that an affair. Just to make things clear

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8703092
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 8:10 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

Also, she made it very clear that her straying had very little to nothing to do with me. She was dissatifacted with herself. All that blameshifting was just a byproduct of her shame and self-disillusionment

TwoDozen Thank you. It's good to know I am not alone in this. And I say this fully aware of how wrong this sounds

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 8:12 PM, Wednesday, December 8th]

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8703095
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 8:25 PM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

I understand the need to downsize. 4000 sq ft is a lot of space for one adult and two kids (by most European standards). Also buying something smaller can be a fun project to occupy your time and it can be cousy.

Glad to hear your ex is not creating issues for you.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8703100
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