SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to stop by and tell you things are going well. smile

Hope you all enjoyed Valentines day as much as I did. Spending it by yourself has its perks laugh

Good to hear things are going well for you! Whatever happened to your dentist friend?

Didn't work out. It became obvious we were in mutualy incompatible life stages and wanted different things from life. But we ended it on good terms. I wasn't really brokenhearted about it to be honest, it was fun while it lasted and it often helped me to shift my thoughts elsewhere when needed, but it wasn't anything deep. From neither side. Nice distraction if you will.

Focusing on myself and my kids now. Last week I threw away a box full of my "affair stuff" - letters, timelines, notes, passwords, etc.. slowly letting go. Felt weird, but the next day I remembered that damned box is gone and it felt good

Kind of curious why you felt

Spending it by yourself has its perks

Most BS have the opposite feeling about Valentines day. I can see why letting go of the evidence can help yo get there though. Kind of mentally putting The A behind you and moving on.

No big reason. I was never big on Valentine's day, always felt like it was way too forced and I didn't need for it to be a certain day to bought my wife flowers and be all lovey-dovey. But recently I spent most of my time either working or taking care of kids so it was nice to have time just for myself.

But I got a card, which was nice.

Overall, my life became pretty boring if you ask me. And I like it that way.

Edit: read that Esther Perel book. My rating: meh.

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 6:31 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Has your ex-wife continued with the outward attempts at reconciliation? You started another thread about the difficulties of divorcing a remorseful spouse. Is life boring because she seems to have accepted things or are you still staving off her advances?

It is unclear what your wife is doing now. that she can have intercourse and hide it while she looks good
she has proven it over and over again, she still doesn't realize the damage she has done to you. her words and being in therapy won't change that. it's not about what her problem is, she has nothing to do with protecting her image and getting you back.

the ability to have a relationship without you noticing, the ability to hide, and the sense of satisfaction with the risks you take,

Smart women who are admired can use men as they wish and make fun of them.

The fact that he doesn't have sex is not about you, it's about power. I can do it if I want, thoughts like everything is under my control. The big prize is herself. (personality issues)

You mentioned the site she reached for help, she did not say that she preferred the site that was suitable for her. (she will always choose what suits her,)

she did not show the seriousness of hiding the cheating in saving the relationship. (You've had new traumas.)

When this plan fails, it will quickly turn to emotional and physical relationships to make you suffer. she will try every possible way for you to hear or see what she is doing.

what would your reaction be to that? You should think about your own emotional response, not your children.

The traumas you have experienced will not be overcome in a short time. "Find a therapist you can get support for post-divorce", it will take years to get over them, and you are not expected to get over them in a few days.

You don't have to feel happy, right, strong. You may feel confused, scared, angry or sad.

Just my thoughts on boredom. Before having kids my holidays were almost all very physically active. Biking 14 days through Switzerland, multiday hiking in Austria/Italy/Scandinavia/Malaysia etc. They were all great holidays and I have pictures to prove it 🙂, but the ones I remember the most are the ones I was reading a book on a beach bored out of my skull. Most times boredom is the best remidy to calm the mind and find your ground. Boring is good 😁. It's meditation without activly meditating.

Has your ex-wife continued with the outward attempts at reconciliation?

Hm, good question. It continues, but not so outwardly. The begging and tears stopped a while ago. Now it's more subtle. Inviting me to do stuff with kids, making excuses to see me, things like that. I believe she still cares a lot about me so I don't want to put it all on her being manipulative

That could just be her being nice.

My situation was similar to yours and the attempted reconciliation behaviour that persisted long term was the updates on how she’s improving and changing. Boundaries were respected in most regards but updates on her progress continues to this day.

I know you wife was putting in a lot of effort and continued to read books after the divorce, is she keeping that progress to herself? It’s a specific thing but for me it was the hardest boundary to enforce with my remorseful "divorced due to the lies not necessarily the acts" ex-wife.

seaandsun, sorry but I have a hard time following your post. What I can get from it is that my exW si a cunning, cold-hearted maneater ready to inflict more pain on me through a string of random men. Is that right?

Walkthestorm Same. Funny how kids turn your whole life upside-down, isn't it? You are absolutely right, boring is good. I actually started to enjoy my time alone. But I often miss my kids and it's hard to not blame my ex for taking them from me half the time.

Kindern

That could just be her being nice.

Oh, absolutely. I am glad we are on good terms. There was a lot o bitterness on my side. It was expected, but not very productive to be fair. I could be a dick sometimes, throwing it in her face.

I know you wife was putting in a lot of effort and continued to read books after the divorce, is she keeping that progress to herself? It’s a specific thing but for me it was the hardest boundary to enforce with my remorseful "divorced due to the lies not necessarily the acts" ex-wife.

I guess our stories are pretty similar. Regarding the progress, I used to get a weekly updates but part of my progress was to disengage so I slowly stopped providing response. I don't know if it was conscious decision or she simply felt discouraged by my lack of response but it slowly windled down and now I don't hear much. But I know she continues with IC. And I know she is actively supported and encouraged by her friends and family to keep fighting

Her sister provided her with some tought love here and there, and she's the closes person she has and I know she listens to her. I strongly suspect the reason for my ex to step down a bit was acutally her sister's advice. But who knows.

Mr F - I read your posts and always come away with the feeling that you would potentially entertain R. However, you’ve really never said yes or no one way or the other.

So I’ll ask directly, yes or no?

If no, then there obviously isn’t any recommendation I would offer.

If yes, then my recommendation is that you should start some kind of dialogue with your ex WW and start marriage counseling. Your WW has been doing IC snd much of what is recommended by a WW who wants R. Marriage counseling with an infidelity specialist at this point is the obvious next step in your healing and in healing the relationship she broke.

If you want this, but for whatever reason not starting to engage her in the process, you might find that either her and/or you or both of you will move on. At some point the window to R will eventually close.

You know what happens every time the thought of R materializes in my mind? I got a flashback to the day she looked in my eyes and told me that I know everything. I remember EXACTLY how she smelled, what dress she wore, that she had a ponytail. I am starting to think this is something I won't be able to overcome, I will only learn to live with it and when it comes to shift my thoughts elsewhere. I am afraid the damage is too vast and the hurt too deep

So to answer you question - No, I don't see myself going through this again

I think it’s very important that you’ve come to a final decision, either way, because it will accelerate your healing.

However, I’m not 100 percent convinced. The reason being is that a few posts ago you referred to you and your ex WW as being in a quasi limbo status, or something to that effect.

You are divorced and just said there is no possibility of R. Saying that you are in a quasi limbo status with your ex doesn’t jibe with this.

I’m not trying to push R with you. I’m just saying that what you post is what you’re thinking at the time. By posting this statement, your subconscious may want R.

My advice is to discuss this apparent dichotomy with your IC.

Duuuude, goodness, he's almost to the finish line. He doesn't want R but he is a human with human feelings and it takes a minute to completely separate your new life from your old one. He doesn't hate her. He is adjusting and sounds like he's adjusting well. I don't see what he posts as someone who is struggling with wanting to go back. He just sounds like a person who has all the normal and healthy emotions of a person.

This may be long. Appologies in advanced!

You know I never had a reason to write this on this forum, but I married a former WS. He is my second husband.

He cheated once on his long term girlfriend. He cheated again on another girlfriend after her. This was before we met. When we met he did not date for about three years. I found that odd since he was a great guy. As our friendship grew he opened up about his past and told me how he invested time and energy changing his behaviour and learning why he did what he did. As you can imagine going into a relationship with him was not an easy choice for me given my past. This was long before the time I found this forum. But reading posts from former WS on this site has given me an insight into what tremendous work my husband put into changing. It's quite remarkable and humbling to realise. It is one of the most difficult things a human can do I think.

When I reflect back on my younger self I can not with absolute certanty say I did not have it in me to be a wayward. The movie roads in madison county used to be my favorite move after all (not anymore ) and unfortunetly I was one of those who saw infidelity in movies as "romantic" . What I can certainly say is that I did not know myself and what I was capable of. Growing up it was common in my family to defend our wrong choices instead of owning up to them. So yeah if I was not cheated on first I could have easily been a cheater making exuses I think.

When it came to saying yes to having a relationship with my now husband I realised that he put a lot of work learning who he was and what he was capable of. He did not blame others or circumstances for his actions. He reflected a lot about the hurt he inflicted on others and showed great remorse. He also learnt how to use tools and set boundries in place to make me feel safe.

I realised that in any relationship nothing is guaranteed. You never know who you really get and what baggage and coping skills they bring with them. However with my husband I knew what I was getting and that is really the best guarantee I could get.

I am writing all this wall of text not to advocate for R with your ex but to plant a seed of thought.

Chances are now that you are single you will meet many potential partners. If you happend to meet a former reformed WS who knows herself and has learned from her past, would you take a chance?

If you somewhere entertain the idea of R with your ex, think about that you would be getting an updated 2.0 version of her.

Soemthing to ponder if your weekend is a bit boring

This is related but yet un related and I don’t want T/J, so I’ll make it brief.

IMO too many BS’ in JFO (mostly men I feel in this case) emphatically disregard the advice of doing a poly when that advice is offered. When some finally come around to the idea, like Mr F for example, and the parking lot confession is provided, in many cases it’s too late in the BH’s mind. The WW’s straight up lies, to protect themselves and ward off D, after the BH has pleaded for the truth for months, is too much to bear.

Beyond Rage always offers this advice off the bat. I’m in the same boat. Straight off get the timeline and poly done within the first week or two at most.

You guys, R is not romantic. It involves triggers and pain and SO MUCH work and it comes with zero guarantees. The devil you know vs the one you don't isn't really a great argument for R. He chose not to do all of that. He chose to start anew. He chose to not go through R and that is a very valid choice. It seems like each time he comes here and posts in a manner that shows he doesn't despise his ex, people get all "ooooh maybe you still want to reconcile". Infidelity is actually a serious trauma. It's not a small thing. For many of us, even if our XWSs became the most amazing people walking on planet earth and no one else on earth wanted us, we still couldn't have a happy relationship with them because of our experiences with them. That sounds like what he's saying. That is legitimate and normal and healthy.

Sorry, Mr.Fibble. I apologize for third personing you in your own thread.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Something about your story attracts the hopeless romantics, Mr. F.

Anyway, glad to see you’re moving through the process and maintaining your humanity.

Being sleep deprived and interrupted by a hungry baby while writing a post made me realise I missed the main point in my previous (and a very much rambling) post. Sorry about that.

Bottom line is I get a sense that you are curious about your ex wifes progress of figuring herself out. There is a reason you chose to read the same book/s she does. You may even deep down admire her for how far she has come on ther journey of self reflection and self discovery, but that feeling of admiration is burried under the mayham of other feelings of anger, dissapointment and sadness. If I have to guess you are probably angry about the unfairness that her personal growth is at the expence of you and your family.

Some posters here might have read your posts as you wanting to reconcile deep down. I personally think you are most of all curious.

My actual point is that I think this curiosity could benefit you. You are in a unique situation to observe the journey a remorseful wayward takes and save it to memory. Chances are you will meet women you fall for that have cheated on their previous partners. If you happend to meet someone truly special, like I did, that you really click with and that comes with the baggage of being a WS, that knowledge can come handy for you to acess if that person could be a safe partner for you or not. You will know what to look for so to speak. This does not mean you ask your ex about therapy sessions etc. Just observe her from a distance and pay attention to her actions. It's a balance act, but I think you are already doing it.

What makes me sad in your thread is other posters writing that your ex is doing all this to manipulate you. I have a hard time believing a divorced single mom of two who probably works a full time jobs and is in the process of moving is spending her free time going to therapy and reading self help books just to manipulate. I also get a sense on this board that WSes (especially women) are branded for life. Even the ones that are trying hard to change. Change is hard. And doing it without a carrot in front of you must be even harder.

What I wish for you (and your ex) is to heal, find peace with what has happend and to use it as an opportunity to grow.

Sorry, lots of great posts, but my ex has covid and it obviously nuked my schedule. Will respond when things go back to normal