Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Beschaedigt

General :
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

default

Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 10:49 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Glad to hear you and your family are safe. These are crazy times. Also good to hear that the issue with the pictures is resolved. What a nightmare to deal with and serves as a lesson to everyone who sends intimate pictures to someone else. Once you press send it is out of your control what the person on the recieving end does with them. It's definetly something we all need to teach our kids once they are of age.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8724505
default

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

My ex decided to NOT press charges. She had a consultation with a lawyer, who said it would be a very long shot with only a small chance of at least a half decent result. So I guess that's it

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8725879
default

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:58 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Maybe your ex-wife could have a strongly worded letter sent to the POS from her attorney that states she suspects he posted intimate pictures of her, that she demands that he stop and that any further breaches of her privacy will result in referral of the matter to the authorities.

posts: 683   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8725884
default

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 12:40 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Would she be able to file a police report just to have it on record in case he does this to someone else?

posts: 5164   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8725948
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:13 PM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Mr F. Have you detached or are you planning to detach from your ex wife?

I ask this because have you decided what type of relationship you have/plan to have with your ex moving forward? Is it simply a co parenting, no contact, relationship other than communication about the kids? Is it we’ll still be friends and do some joint things with the kids? Is it we can talk to each other about things in our separate lives now?

The reason I ask is that you’re divorced, yet your ex wife called you for assistance with the illicit posting issue. You helped her a bit to figure it out and you’re obviously still communicating about it. Is this a one off type of communication with her because it was A related, and has bearing on your kids?

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8726023
default

Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 6:10 PM on Sunday, March 27th, 2022

I would tell your ex wife to at least make a police report. Many of these types of crime don't get reported unfortunetly and I think for at least statistical reasons it should be noted. Who knows, when politicians propose changing laws they tend to lean on statistical backup.

posts: 120   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8726218
default

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 8:48 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

We don't know the POS' adress or even where he lives, and as I said, the final decision was up to my ex. It was not my place anymore to push her. The only good thing is I now have these pictures so I can try running some reverse search here and there but I have no idea how good this works

Dude67 Our relationship, as it is right now, would take a lots of writing on my part to explain. But we are not 'a couple' in any way, shape or form. Good coparents, and I am detaching way better than she is

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8727640
default

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 9:32 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Good for you man. Better days ahead.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1636   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8727652
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:46 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

The only good thing is I now have these pictures so I can try running some reverse search here and there but I have no idea how good this works

For places where these are likely going to be posted not very well. I doubt most reverse image search engines spend much time crawling free porn sites.

But we are not 'a couple' in any way, shape or form. Good coparents, and I am detaching way better than she is

IMO, She's not going to detach much in any way unless she starts dating. Even then I suspect she's going to pine for you and dream about R. Glad to see you safe.

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8727654
default

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 2:21 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

For places where these are likely going to be posted not very well. I doubt most reverse image search engines spend much time crawling free porn sites.


That's what I thought but I will try anyway. Plus I know there were much more pictures than that but I try to not be bothered by this.

IMO, She's not going to detach much in any way unless she starts dating. Even then I suspect she's going to pine for you and dream about R. Glad to see you safe.


That's exactly what my SIL told me yesterday. I believe her words were that "this" is far from closed chapter for my ex. It's exhausting since my mom seems to be at least partialy responsible.

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8728407
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:28 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

It's exhausting since my mom seems to be at least partially responsible.

Lol. I can imagine. Your mom knows and likes your exW. She wasn't the one betrayed though. Keep walking your path. Who knows where it will lead but you are the only one that gets to choose which branches you travel.

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8728416
default

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 4:49 AM on Thursday, April 7th, 2022

For places where these are likely going to be posted not very well. I doubt most reverse image search engines spend much time crawling free porn sites.
--------
That's what I thought but I will try anyway. Plus I know there were much more pictures than that but I try to not be bothered by this.

The images are turned into numbers, if it's a match, it's a match. Porn sites are probably in their search engine along with everything else.(There are billions of photos out there, not that it makes it better...)

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1248   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8728422
default

Gladimout ( new member #79215) posted at 12:36 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

How are you Mr. F. ?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8733858
default

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 12:03 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I'm good, thanks for asking. I am kind of avoiding this place, hence no updates from me. Sorry? laugh

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8734267
default

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 6:38 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

I have a question for people who R or were thinking about R long after D-Day.

How long did it took for you to be really sure about what you want? It's been more than year and a half from D-Day and 9 months since divorce was final, but I can't honestly say I have this chapter closed within myself. Like I can let go completely.

Not that I am miserable or anything, but I have not moved on either. I know that there is no universal timeline, but.. after almost 2 years?

Every kick in the right direction is appreciated.

BS

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8741823
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Those of us with spouses who were clearly not candidates for R really should thank our ex's for making it easy.

How long did it took for you to be really sure about what you want? It's been more than year and a half from D-Day and 9 months since divorce was final, but I can't honestly say I have this chapter closed within myself. Like I can let go completely.

Not that I am miserable or anything, but I have not moved on either. I know that there is no universal timeline, but.. after almost 2 years?

In a way, you'll never fully move on. She's still the mother of your children which will keep a bond alive even if you successfully excise the romantic ones. There'll always be a fondness for that.

Your last dday, the parking lot confession,was just over a year ago. Up until that point I thought you had at least considered R as an option. That pretty much reset your healing back to day 1.

Dude67's post up above is also relevant. Can you really say you gave yourself the space to detach from your ex the last year?

How well have you been doing with NC outside of the kids?

Are you still doing things as a family?

Have both of you dated others?

How are the kids doing in their new normal?

Is your family still trying to push you into patching things up?

2-5 years is the timeline that is typically used, but all of the above can extend or shorten that timeframe. I know I wasn't in a mental state appropriate to date again until a full year from D passed and I didn't have the complication of an ex wanting to reconcile. Plus I went hard NC since we did not share kids.

This is your life. Your Ex, as horrific as her betrayal of you was, seemed to get it in the end and was trying her best to reform herself. It's possible that you can successfully rekindle your M if that is the path you want. If you didn't had kids, I'd even suggest jumping back in and seeing what happens as the best way to figure out whether or not R is what you really want.

But you divorced and created separate lives with your kids somewhat amicably. There's no promise that another potiential separation will go the same way. If you decide to risk it treat it like dating someone new. Avoid including the kids as long as possible.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:14 PM, Friday, June 24th]

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8741830
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:25 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Knowing you over many pages, this is my recommendation - figure out what you want divorced from ego, punishment, residual anger, disappointment, etc. You need to tune out the A noise to figure this out. What will make you happy?

If you want to R with your ex wife, then you should be direct with her. You know she desires to R, so fear of rejection is not an issue. Both of you have done enough IC where you could explore MC, with no guarantees offered of course.

Deep down I believe you always wanted to R, but the sense of injustice, plus the fact that your WW continued to lie snd trickle truth, in the face of your entreaties, was too much for you to bear. You started to build up a wall and pull away from her because of it. All understandably so, of course. She did this to herself, snd to you of course.

If you’re simply in limbo about moving on, I believe that’s more of a it takes time issue.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8741850
default

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:03 PM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

For me, it helped to make a list of the myriad of unkind things he did to me over the years, a list that included his cheating but was not limited to it. That helped me get perspective whenever memories of the positive moments tempted me to yearn for the old days. I don't still have that list, though, and only needed it for a number of months during the breakup. What really got me mentally out was going no contact.

OP, if you're trying to "co-parent" with her in a very collaborative way, that can lead you to too much contact and staying emotionally invested in her. You need to change your mindframe to "sharing custody", and accepting that what happens with the kids when she has them is under her jurisdiction and you aren't involved, and what happens with the kids when you have them is under your jurisdiction and she isn't involved. Now that's a slight exaggeration because with kids some things will have to be agreed upon and communicated about, but those conversations should occur via email and be limited in scope and frequency. You shouldn't be conversing with her regularly.

Outsiders often think it's healthy for divorced parents to spend time together "for the kids' sake", so you might feel pressured to do this by extended family, friends, etc. They think this because it looks nice on the outside and makes them feel that everything must be all right, so there's less tension for themselves. Your ex likes it because it's good impression management for her: makes her look good to the outside world & her kids that her ex doesn't hold a grudge. But those outsiders typically have not experienced the betrayal of infidelity and the need to go no contact in order to get over a bad romantic partner. (Or they have experienced betrayal and are fervently rugsweeping, and wish that you would, too.)

Staying too close to her isn't healthy for you, and in the end, it isn't healthy for your kids, because it's keeping you from moving on happily and being in the best mental state that you can.

[This message edited by morningglory at 3:06 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8741930
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:11 PM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

You need to separate what you want from what you do.

Your W was not a candidate for R. IMO, it's important for you to acknowledge that you want R and that R is impossible for you. I think it's important for you to mourn the fact that you just can't get what you think you want most.

That will help you start asking and answering the next question: 'Well, if I can't get this one thing that I want, what do I want to do now?'

Besides that, 9 months is not a long time when it comes to building yourself a new life. Building a new life takes a lot of work, and for many, if not most, of us, it starts very slowly and accelerates.

You've started. My reco is to be yourself and to keep going.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741932
default

Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 5:09 PM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Hi MrFibble,

First off the only person who will really know is you. Don't let sisoon tell you R is impossible. Nothing is impossible. If your ex-wife has changed, 100%, then I think it's time to forgive and reconcile. Has your ex-wife moved on? has she started seeing other people? or is she still clinging onto R? Most of all, follow your heart.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8741945
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20221122 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy