MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 4:29 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
Walkthestorm Thank you so much. Your post resonates with me very strongly. I guess I got s bit weathered by all the stalling and water treading I did those past few months. Now that things are really moving it scares me a bit. Lots of changes in my life, understandably.
There are so many replies, I promise I will adress as many points as possible, but I am busy with kids so please be patient with me
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:50 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
Because I believe she deserves a heads-up that I am moving towards a place where I am ready to move on. I mean I won't share any details with her, but she is very open about the fact that she wants another chance. I feel like that ship has sailed. But that doesn't mean I have no feelings towards her. And I would rather she hear it from me than anyone else.
After I had him sign separation papers, bought a house and moved everything I owned out and informed him that I would be divorcing him in 12 months (stupid 1 year wait here), my XWH somehow still had it in his mind that we had a potential future and I hadn't even given him the first reason to think so in anything I said or did. Unlike your situation, I didn't leave on kind and compassionate terms. I was honest to the point of rudeness. I think this is fairly common from the WS side, this idea that they can get you back even with divorce papers in hand no matter how you leave it. It's possible that when you tell her this, she'll act like she feels the way you did when she cheated. That isn't true or fair. The heads up that you were moving on was when you divorced her. I worry for you that her reaction will cause you to feel guilty when you honestly don't have anything to feel guilty about. Obviously you need to do what feels right for you, but if you're telling her in the hopes that this will make her suddenly understand that it's over, I don't know that it's going to have that effect. You may wind up comforting her as if you just broke up. I can't even tell you how many times I broke up post-break-up with my XWH. It lasted for months while we disentangled all the financial stuff. I believe you divorced a better person than I did, no doubt, but this is pretty common. Had I told him about my first hook-up, the weeping and wailing and anger would have been epic.
She knows that you're divorced. That honestly should be a pretty big sign that the relationship is over. She's a smart woman. She knows this. Detaching from her emotionally is really the main thing you need to do. I don't know if you'll convince her it's over by telling her this or just give yourself more painful emotional stuff to deal with in a year when you've had more than your share already.
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
Dee’s most recent post, and several others in a similar vein, have really good information in them. Please read and re-read them.
Your XW is not owed a window into your love life after D. She may not even want it. I’d think long and hard about what you hope to accomplish by telling her this. Perhaps there’s an element of showing her in no unmistakable terms what she threw away. It would be understandable, but to be honest I think she already knows.
Let sleeping dogs lay until there’s a real relationship to tell her about.
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
The only reason is not that you don't owe her an explanation, also, it wouldn't be kind to tell her immediately as if you did this to hurt her and couldn't wait to tell. And don't act as if something like that never happened either.
[This message edited by guvensiz at 10:55 PM, Wednesday, November 10th]
MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 12:08 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021
I do not plan on throwing it in her face, no. But I have a proper date with red today, so I believe it's only a matter of time before she finds out. I would like to avoid that, so I believe "the talk" is just around the corner.
toby ( member #10337) posted at 1:50 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021
If you feel the need to tell her, go ahead. But be warned, with your xWW track record, don’t be surprised if she tells you that she’s been out on a “few dates” herself.
Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021
I think it is too early to tell her about this particilar relationship or dating because it is very new. But I would tell her that you are open and ready to seeing other people. Now some might find this cruel and think it's your way of rubbing it in her face but I think it is a harsh dose of reality she needs to start the process of letting you go. Right now her mind is in a space telling her that you still love her, miss her and want to work this out. She thinks the divorce was just a means for you to process your hurt and have some space. By showing her that you are moving on sooner rather than later you are esentually telling her that her perception of your feelings towards her are wrong and that she is replacable. Don't get me wrong, she will be hurt and angry and she will most likely become somewhat crazy for a while and depressed. But in the end it will serve her in the long run by allowing her to break free of her illusions about a possible R and lead her on a way towards moving on herself.
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021
Since there has been some ambiguity as to whether you would consider reconciliation at some point down the line, the right thing is to remove any ambiguity that remains OR simply advise her that you have begun dating. No need for details. In fact, unless she specifically asks if you have slept with someone, do not tell her. Correspondingly, you should accept the fact that your ex-wife has every right to also date. She has paid the ultimate price. Now she should get on with her life. Hopefully, she has learned a hard lesson and not cheat on her next partner.
The two of you must do everything to remain cordial and friendly for the sake of the children. That doesn't mean that the two of you should share your love lives.
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:06 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021
I hope that the conversation isn't too hard on you and that this is the last time you have to explicitly do the break up thing.
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
Jacobwakeup ( new member #78699) posted at 10:20 AM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021
Hi Mr Fibble.
Hope the date went well and you both enjoyed yourselves.
Telling the ex isn’t quite as simple as it seems.
On one hand, you want to do the decent thing by telling her yourself and avoiding the upset of her finding out from someone else.
One the other hand, could she read something more into you telling her, for example would she read into this that you still have feelings for her because you don’t want to see her hurt.
What would you want her to do if roles were reversed? Would you want to know and how much should you be told?
I think you are still in kilter as a couple so that your preferences would probably still be hers
MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 10:22 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
I spent few days mulling over it, but apparently somebody saw us and told my ex. Don't know who or how. Dealing with the aftermath right now. Not fun
My deployment can't come soon enough because I absolutely need those two weeks away from everything.
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:03 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:02 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
A truly remorseful wayward EX wife would not give you a hard time for this. She can feel hurt but she would also be understanding and tell you that she only wants you to be happy.
It would be her choice to say whether or not she would continue to wait for you after learning this new information.
But she’d also realize that she is to blame for the end of your marriage and she only need to look in the mirror to see who she should be mad at for losing her husband and having him end up dating other women.
If she’s making you feel bad about this then you know she’s truly not all in for your healing and only focused on her own happiness and not yours at all.
You have every right to date and have no commitment to keep her updated on your relationship status.
Please realize this.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:02 PM, Saturday, November 20th]
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:07 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
Mr. Flibble: What's done is done. Did you owe your ex-wife a heads up? Certainly, if the two of you had no children and you were NC with the ex-wife, giving her any type of heads up would have been silly and totally unnecessary.
Your situation is somewhat different. You share young children, you still remain in contact with your ex-wife on a regular basis. In fact, you were thinking of having her stay with the children at your place while you were on deployment as I recall. Couple this with the fact that there may have been some ambiguity as to the finality of the relationship in the mind of the ex-wife, and the newness of the divorce, it would have been wise to give her a heads up. Did you owe that to her? No. But would it have been smart and decent to remove all ambiguities in her mind before you started dating and give her that heads up as to your immediate dating intentions? Maybe. Only you can answer that question. No one here really understands or is privy to your daily interactions with your ex-wife and her reasonable or possible expectations regardless of what some may say or think on this thread.
It is now critical that all ambiguities are finally removed. If I have read your intentions properly, it is clear that you do not desire or intend to ever reestablish any further romantic relationship with your ex-wife. You simply wish to remain friendly in order to successfully co-parent. Hopefully, you have now made that perfectly clear to her. You are both free to see other people. She will have to accept that reality. You will have to deal with the immediate fallout, but that will, hopefully, subside in the near future.
I almost never have a drop of empathy for a WS. Look at my posts on other threads. They can be quite brutal. Nevertheless, I don't quite feel that way toward your ex-wife. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because she never had intercourse with the POS and felt no feelings for him. Maybe it was because she was caught in a stupid situation of her making and was too weak to extricate herself. All my impressions are from your posts. Only you know the real person. Maybe I would not feel that way if I was in your shoes. Not to say you are not justified in ending the marriage. She did cheat and lie. She did wreck the marriage for bullshit. She evidently thought in her mind that she did not cross that final line by not having intercourse with the POS. How stupid of her. How utterly sad.
beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:29 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
Dealing with the aftermath right now. Not fun
Yeah, that would be interesting.
I believe what's happening with your ex-wife is that she's still hopeful for a second chance although you already talked to her about it many times that you see no path for reconciliation down the line. I believe that she's hopeful since your co-parenting is amicable, and you talk to each other every day and your relationship drama has been eliminated post-divorce. So, what's lacking in your family is just the two of you getting back together and I believe she's really working hard on that. She's showing you that she can be trusted again. But then again, as you've said, that path is long gone considering she put you in that situation for more than a year.
In terms of informing her. Just like what everyone else says, you don't need to. It's not your obligation to tell her. She's the one who went out of your marriage. She's the one who destroyed your marriage. Treating her with respect and having a decent conversation with her every day shows that you're a decent man who still treats a cheater with decency.
Her reaction is to be expected since she's still hoping for a second chance at your marriage. But it's your decision to make not hers. Whatever you do with your life moving forward is your decision alone. Whatever decision you make with your twins is with her. Other than that, she doesn't need to be included.
All the best!
[This message edited by beb252 at 4:59 AM, Sunday, November 21st]
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 12:43 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021
Mr. F, just know that her feelings are entirely on her. The marriage was broken and then the marriage ended. You did everything right in terms of moving on. You never once lead her on. You were clear with her about what the future would entail. If she is acting in any way like you betrayed her or like what you did is in anyway comparable to what she did, don't burden yourself with that. Also don't entertain any texts/phone calls about it either. Go strictly back to kid focused topics only.
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 12:47 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021
I agree completely with nekonamida.
Also, if she was truly remorseful, she could feel hurt without burdening you with her feelings and drama. She would want you to be happy. If she tries to burden you with her feelings about this in any way, it should cement in your mind that divorce was absolutely the best decision. You are divorced. You can date and the only hesitation should be your own healing and when you are ready. How she deals with it is not your problem. Don't let her make you feel any other way.
Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 7:45 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021
Sorry to hear this development. I know it was not how you intended to break the news. I do agree with others who wrote that her reaction and feelings are not on you but it might help you to understand where she is at if she is lashing out etc.
Google 'stages of grief'. It is obvious your ex was in the denial stage. You did not share information about the fallout but I assume she was upset and sad. She is on her own journey of healing and grieving the loss of your marriage is what is on the horizon for her just ad it is for you (you are a few steps ahead). Now I am not telling you this for you to do anything about it. It's more for you to understand that this is a part of the journey for both of you and that 'this too shall pass'. Eventually both of you will grow from this experience as individuals.
As for practical advise just hang in there, don't be hard on yourself, enforce your boundries, don't offer false hope and engage only about kids.
Just a note. See if it resonates with you or not. What is standing out to me is that you wish to get away from everything. It's understandable but numbing your emotions by physical distance, distractions, alcohol etc is a way of escape. Reflect on this coping mechanism and talk to your IC about it.
MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 8:08 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021
So how was her reaction?
What Stevesn said, and everything in between. Some tears but she said I deserve to be happy. Wasn't angry, didn't blame me for anything. Just asked if it's true I have someone. I told her I do, she didn't ask for more details and I didn't offer any. We left it at that. Then came the texts and calls. Back to where we were few months ago because I was stupid enough to not disengage.
Thank you src9043 for your post. It's exactly how I fell about all this but I was never able to put it together so greatly.
And sorry for being here so scarcely, but you know.. life gets in a way.
MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 12:01 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Walkthestorm do you believe there is some kind of timeline for thise stages? I thought this new relationship might be the last sign that we are over for good and I am ready to move on (although it was fully unntentional), but it looks like it's actually quite the opposite. At least for now.
What is standing out to me is that you wish to get away from everything. It's understandable but numbing your emotions by physical distance, distractions, alcohol etc is a way of escape. Reflect on this coping mechanism and talk to your IC about it.
Not as much way of escape as a way to get a dose of fresh air, time-out if you will. I 've been in this mess for more than a year and I feel emotionally exhausted. I need to recharge, away from all of this. Does that make sense?
[This message edited by MrFlibble at 12:09 AM, Monday, November 22nd]