SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I could be off base here but I am also thinking that maybe you are having a hard time processing your emotions and allowing yourself to feel all of them incl. the conflicting ones.

Correct. I contacted my former IC to see what options I have. Waiting to hear back.

Was it just sex or something that could possibly turn into a relationship? If it's the latter, it won't take long for her to learn.

Honestly, no idea. Basicaly a ONS, but we have been texting and she's dropping hints she wants to see me again. But I think it's way too soon for me to be in a relationship. Too many unresolved issues. Last thing I want is to hurt someone else who is a completely innocent bystander basically

Just a guess, you don't have to say if you don't want; the girl who was into you that your friends introduced?

No. God no. That was disaster. I met this one while I was out with my friends last week. Cute readhead, moved here few months ago. She's a dentist. Smart and funny. She accidentaly spilled her glass of red wine all over my jacket. She insisted on paying for dry-cleaning, I refused. We started talking and she and her friends joined us. More wine, she was laughing at my stupid jokes and we ended up at her appartment that night. I never did anything like this in my life.

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 8:40 PM, Monday, November 8th]

You are divorced. It's none of your ex wife's business, who you have sex with.

If I was the new girl,it would bother me that you felt you had to tell your ex wife that you had sex with me.

You are DIVORCED. Maybe it's time you put up some boundaries with the EX wife.

I am scratching my head... why would you have any need to tell your ex wife anything about your new, emerging love life? She lost the right to your intimate information.

I mean, go ahead if you want to but I think it's best to just keep moving forward and keep all interactions civil but non-intimate. And that includes discussing other women.

You’re a good person. You care for those who you love even if you’re no longer in love with them. You could never do what she did. You took vows. Your heart hasnt caught up to your head yet and realized those vows are no longer in effect. They are legally over. It’s understandable.

However I want to be clear, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

Whether it happened 4 weeks or 4 months or 4 years after your divorce, you are not in a romantic relationship with anyone right now and therefore are not bound to stay chaste or inform your ex of what you are doing.

Likewise she is also free to date anyone she wishes, although if she still hopes for reconciliation (something you’ve actually told her will not be possible) then she probably won’t for a while if that’s what she desires.

That said as a coparent I have no problem with you telling her there is someone you are talking to and spending time with. That is, if you plan on seeing her again. If you don’t intend to bring her around your kids it would be nice to ease your exW’s mind about that especially if it’s required under your D decree.

If it were me I wouldn’t talk about sex or not sex. I’d just let her know that she may hear youre seeing someone. That you’ve been talking to her and plan to get to know her. If she asks if you’ve been physical I’d let her know whether or not you have been or will be is personal but you are in no rush to have a committed relationship with anyone right now.

You are better than her Fribble. What you did broke no vows, either real or tacit. You’ve made her no promises. She promised to "forsake all others on your wedding day" and she failed to do that.

What you are doing now is living your life as a single man and parent. Stop beating yourself up for the situation she caused.

You’re a nice guy but that doesn’t mean you owe her anything anymore. Take it slow with the new Interest and be honest to her about what you can handle. You still have a long road of healing ahead of you.

I get a sense that you want to have a friendship type of relationship with your ex-wife, mostly due to your kids and shared history. And it sounds nobal and idyllic but take it from someone that has tried this route. It may work years down the line but it never works when one or both parties still have romantic feelings for one another. Trust me it creates more confusion, pain and chaos.

People who are in love grasp at straws and interpet even the smallest signs or gestures as something big or significant. You made the choice to divorce and need to let go of your ex-wife and allow her to do the same. Cut the mixed signals. Be honest and firm. You are now embarking on two separate journeys and need to heal.

And also, if you are struggling with the aftermath of your decision about the intimacy with another woman, maybe it's a sign that you are not ready to take that step. It's ok not to rush things and it's ok if you stay single for a while until you are ready.

Please don't think you did anything wrong or that you owe anyone on this planet an explanation as to why you had sex with someone as a single man. It's very possible you weren't ready and that's okay. It's also strange when you do have sex with someone else for the first time after divorce whether it's been weeks or months or years. That's just how it is. I don't know you, so I don't know whether casual sex is something you just don't tend to do when you are single. Some people do it easily and others don't without feeling strange about it. We're all different. I agree with others that you need to emotionally detach from your XWW for her sake as much as for yours.

But no, there was no moral wrong done here. None. You don't need to tell your XWW anything about this because it is absolutely none of her business. Even the ex-husband that I'm friends with now and I don't feel the need to share anything we do romantically with other people because it just doesn't come up. We have and he has even come to me for advice about women, but there's no part of either of us that thinks about telling each other about when we'd have sex with someone. It only comes up when "hey, I have someone I'm introducing to the kids, just a heads up". But that's years down the road for you two, if ever. It certainly wasn't something either of us spoke about for a good 3 to 4 years. And under no circumstances did we ever go "Hey, I hooked up with someone the other night". We wouldn't even do that now.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:00 PM, Monday, November 8th]

No more mixed signals is my suggestion. If you are out, say so and mean it. You can both move on. If you want R and your aim is to let yourself heal, I wouldn’t do this again and I would be honest. No fence sitting.

Technically you were not married. However, your wife and yourself still have emotional ties/feelings, which is evident in your current emotional dilemma.

You are still somewhat in infidelity.

You need to either strengthen your relationship with your ex, or entirely severe it.

Project forward to where you will best by happy, and work to achieve this.

but if I don't tell her the truth I am no better than she was during her A, right?

You're not having an affair. You are single. If you're holding on to get back to your xWW then you can be honest with her. Whether she will be hurt or not, you didn't cheat so you have no moral obligation towards her being hurt or not. If she's holding on to being together again, then she will experience the hurt you experienced for that whole 1+ year when she put you in that position.

Again, you didn't cheat but if she asks if you're seeing somebody, you can be truthful. There's no harm in being truthful but I wouldn't be the one telling her that you had sex with someone. It's not your obligation to tell her. You are in no way emotionall connected to your xWW, you were just coparents to your twins, nothing more.

Mr F,

Sad to see this development. I think it's been clear that you've not emotionally detached and have been sending mixed messages, Whether you're ready or not, I think this will most likely be the final nail in the D column.

Mr F,

Sad to see this development. I think it's been clear that you've not emotionally detached and have been sending mixed messages. Whether you're ready or not, I think this will most likely be the final nail in the D coffin.

You are no longer married and this would serve no purpose at this time. If you are getting back together that would be different.

…I think this will most likely be the final nail in the D coffin.

Pretty sure the final nail was the actual finalization of the D in court, but if you’re bound and determined to shift some blame to Mr. F I suppose you can try to ignore that glaring fact. The people trying to equate a ONS after divorce with an A are something else. Was Mr. F supposed to enter the monkhood because he decided to D a cheater?

Pretty sure the final nail was the actual finalization of the D in court, but if you’re bound and determined to shift some blame to Mr. F I suppose you can try to ignore that glaring fact. The people trying to equate a ONS after divorce with an A are something else. Was Mr. F supposed to enter the monkhood because he decided to D a cheater?

That.

What is it...some lingering dramatization of his life where some are invested in this story ending with some grand romantic reconciliation with moonlight and candles and whatever? Like he needs to play the pick me dance POST divorce? Like he's screwing up some outsider's fantasy by doing a thing that indicates that he's moving on? This man's life isn't a soap opera for our entertainment.

Mr F, although you may feel conflicted about how things played out the other night, the facts are that you had consensual sex with a woman. Assuming she is not married (I expect she either told you or led you to believe she was single), neither of you did anything wrong. You are divorced, and you are moving on with your life. It may have happened sooner than you expected, but you did not wrong your XWW in any way. You both need to understand that.

I think you are better off sharing little of the details of your life with XWW. If at some point to become seriously involved with someone and introduce them to your kids, maybe give the ex a heads up. Otherwise, it's none of her business, and the reverse is true for her.

You can't control how she reacts. If she chooses to be upset because you are moving on, that is on her. It is not your fault.

This incident can also be analyzed in terms of understanding the difference between loyal and wayward mentalities.

You feel weird even though you're divorced and have no responsibilities to her. On the other hand, she had an A twice, she enjoyed, she did her best to hide, continued even though you were suspicious and would continue if she wasn't caught.

I sincerely believe that now she deeply regrets it and didn't want her marriage to end. But now you can better compare where she was mentally while having those affaires. You may be even more surprised/angry/sad how what is so difficult for you can be so easy for her.

The other analysis is that, as we always say here, it has been proven that cheating is not a mistake but a "choice".

It was your choice, not your clumsiness, that you had slept with no one but your XW for 15 years. Because your morals required it. You even avoided putting yourself in a position where this could happen.

However, when such a responsibility was removed, it became apparent how easy it could be for the faithful people too.

You need to get it straight in both your and your ex-wife's heads that you are not only divorced but free to see other people. Evidently, that is not clear in your head or you wouldn't feel guilty for the ONS. Are you ready to accept your ex-wife's dating? Now that the two of you are divorced, she owes you no loyalty. Your dating lives should not get in the way of your co-parenting. Consequently, do not talk about it with your ex-wife and she should do the same. But, it is unrealistic and unfair for either of you to expect the other to live a celibate life now that you are no longer together.

If there is still any ambiguity regarding possible R, it is time to clarify it between the two of you. That should remove all guilt in resuming a single life.

Now, you being human, have had a dalliance of your own, just like, or perhaps even more so than that had by your ex.

This I suspect may have caused an insight and some introspection which has possibly caused a softening of that resolve. A little light shed from a new angle onto your … dilemma.

I don't follow this reasoning at all. It wasn't a dalliance. It was mutual sex between two unattached people. He's DIVORCED. It isn't the same -- not even remotely the same -- as his xWW having sex with another man while she was MARRIED to MrFlibble (and as far as he knew in a faithful, monogamous marriage).

Honestly I don't think it sheds any light at all on his xWW's dishonest and immoral behavior, other than a harsh spotlight with a lot of deep shadows showing how morally compromised she is. The contrast between her and him is stark.

MrFlibble, whatever guilt you're feeling is residual from the fact that you're a faithful, loyal, stable man who spent nearly 1/5 of a century in a monogamous pair bond with one woman -- successfully (although she turned out to be a failure at this). You're out of your element after all that time, and it feels shaky. Ok. But that's not morally or ethically compromised.

I would liken this residual feeling to the struggle betrayed men have to separate the reality of who their newfound adulterous wives are from the pedestalized version they thought their wives were.

It's kind of the same phenomenon in that you're having to tease out the reality from an emotional memory.

What made you a stable and loyal husband is the same thing that is giving you a residual feeling of "guilt" for having new relationships. You just need to remember that you didn't do this, she did. You made good choices about your future after she decided to act in an abusive way.

You may be even more surprised/angry/sad how what is so difficult for you can be so easy for her.

This 100 times. Because what is proving more difficult to you wasn't even the same thing, not even close, as her decision to cheat. You made a connection with a woman, you were mutually attracted, and you had consensual sex. Two adults being adult. By contrast, what your xWW willingly and wantonly jumped into is among the most toxic transgressions any human can carry out that nearly everyone here on SI agrees is a form of sexual abuse against a faithful spouse. You as a man inclined to pair bond and be faithful are struggling a bit with what was a normal sexual connection. By contrast your xWW stone-cold lied to your face while scheming about how to have sex with another man and break her vows. Can we spot the difference here?

And I wouldn't share a damn thing with your xWW. She's not your problem anymore. As the saying goes, not your monkeys, not your circus. She doesn't deserve to be any part of your new relationships with other women, even peripherally. She lost that privilege when she unilaterally divorced you and shattered the marital covenant with her adultery.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:45 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

I also don't follow that reasoning one bit. I think we all understood while we were married to our WSs that sex feels good, other people are attractive, and sleeping with someone can be fun. Those understandings didn't cast any illumination on why my XWH felt it was okay to sleep with other women while married to me. I've had my share of fun casual sex and yet somehow that didn't do a thing to help me understand why my husband engaged in it while married to me. It's kinda like how we all know that it's fun to have extra money, but that doesn't shed light on why someone felt entitled to steal our wallet.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:56 PM, Tuesday, November 9th]

I am scratching my head... why would you have any need to tell your ex wife anything about your new, emerging love life?

Because I believe she deserves a heads-up that I am moving towards a place where I am ready to move on. I mean I won't share any details with her, but she is very open about the fact that she wants another chance. I feel like that ship has sailed. But that doesn't mean I have no feelings towards her. And I would rather she hear it from me than anyone else.