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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 7:56 PM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

That is good update! You got to enjoy yourself sometimes.

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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 1:13 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

Thank you. It was great and even thought I didn't plan on it I met someone that evening. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling of being alive shocked

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 2:12 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

That's great MrFibble! Enjoy those feelings smile So Happy for you

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 11:49 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I didn't want to share this at first, but I don't want to hide anything from you here.

I had sex with someone other than my exW for the first time in almost 15 years. Moral hangover today. sad

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 12:12 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

And now the shoe is on the other foot.

Moral equivalency has been achieved.

The next chapter.

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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:36 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

This is not wrong and nothing to be ashamed of, you are a divorced person.

I guess you wouldn't tell your ex. But when she asks if there is someone in your life, you're not the type to lie. She will be upset if she knows.

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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 1:57 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Why the moral hangover? Because you feel like it's too soon? This is what divorce ultimately leads to. Life goes on. Just be prepared that sooner or later your ex wife will move on with her life as wll and you will most probably have an emotional reaction when she gets involved with someone.

I agree with another poster if she asks don't hide it from her. It will allow her to drop the hopium pipe and move on.

Good luck on your new journey.

posts: 70   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 1:58 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Moral equivalency has been achieved.

Wait, what? How? Are you suggesting that when a person divorces, they need to stay faithful to their ex-spouse or they're cheating too? This makes no sense.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4632   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 2:45 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

svengundenblum, I admit your post is way too deep for me. I have no idea what to take from it. Care to elaborate?

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Why the moral hangover? Because you feel like it's too soon?

.

Basically, yes. It's been only a little over a month since D was final. What does it say about me?

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I guess you wouldn't tell your ex. But when she asks if there is someone in your life, you're not the type to lie. She will be upset if she knows.

So what do you suggest? Should I tell her right away before she finds out other ways? She called twice today, I texted back, but I am way too much of a coward (is this the right word?) to speak to her over the phone, let alone in person. I know telling her will hurt her immensely, but if I don't tell her the truth I am no better than she was during her A, right?

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

if I don't tell her the truth I am no better than she was during her A, right

I don't think so as you two are officially divorced. That being said, I agree with the other poster that 1) your XW will be angry and hurt and 2) be prepared (not saying you weren't) when she decides to start dating and move on.

To be honest, I don't feel like you truly wanted the divorce but you just didn't know how to forgive without D. I am not saying it is not the right decision for you.

Good Luck Mr. F.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:22 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I know telling her will hurt her immensely, but if I don't tell her the truth I am no better than she was during her A, right?

You are fully divorced. I don’t see you having a moral obligation to share all of your intimate details with her. If she asks, you can either share details or say you’re not willing, at this point anyway, to share intimate details of your life with her.

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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

"Basically, yes. It's been only a little over a month since D was final. What does it say about me?"

Morally you have done nothing wrong. You are a single man. However I do think your guilt or something resembling guilt comes from an emotional place. As you said, your divorce was recent and you are still emotionally attached to your ex wife. It would feel a lot different if you had a wife that was not remorseful and sorry for her actions or if she made the divorce proceedings difficult.

I could be off base here but I am also thinking that maybe you are having a hard time processing your emotions and allowing yourself to feel all of them incl. the conflicting ones. You tried to numb your feeling with alcohole but you knew that is a dead end and put a lid on it (I hope). Now you are chasing another type of drug to numb the pain and to literally force yourself mentally to move on. The reason why I am writing this last bit is because I dealt with it the same way minus the alcohole. I moved on quick. But it did catch up with me years later and I was forced to deal with emotions rather than surpress them or try to override them with others.

You are not a coward. As it stands,you are not obligated to share details of your life with your ex wife. But I do think, out of compassion for her, you need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you have no intention to get back together with her now or in the future.

You are not a bad person. You are moving on the best way you can.

posts: 70   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

It would be wrong to say it directly without even the subject is opened. And it would be wrong to lie either. You have no obligation to share what's going on in your private life with her. Of course, ethically, you shouldn't ask her either.

If she asks you and you don't want to say it, you can say that you're not married anymore and it's not appropriate to talk about such matters. But you have to choose your words carefully, so that it doesn't mean "I did it but I can't tell you that".

Was it just sex or something that could possibly turn into a relationship? If it's the latter, it won't take long for her to learn.

Just a guess, you don't have to say if you don't want; the girl who was into you that your friends introduced?

[This message edited by guvensiz at 10:43 AM, November 8th (Monday)]

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

I'm very sorry you're in this pain. I wish I could think of something more to say than: others have been in this mess. Perhaps talking to them will provide guidance to you that will help you do what you need to do.

My reco is to consult here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/5/divorce-separation/. (I don't mean to send you away. Rather, I mean to send you to people who have dealt with the same problem you face.)

*****

You've D'ed on paper but not internally. Your sex with this new woman says nothing definitive about you, except that you had sex with this woman. You apparently think you cheated, and that's a problem.

My reco is to attend to your self-talk - and change it, because your world has changed.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

MrFlibble, you two took your vows, what, fifteen years ago? You sir I reckon to be someone who took them damned seriously.

When you became aware that your ex had been wavering in her commitment to them then you took that very seriously as well.

My take on you is that, separation aside, those same vows still resided in your heart and thus stiffened your resolve to remain apart.

Now, you being human, have had a dalliance of your own, just like, or perhaps even more so than that had by your ex.

This I suspect may have caused an insight and some introspection which has possibly caused a softening of that resolve. A little light shed from a new angle onto your … dilemma.

This may not have been a bad thing.

posts: 10   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 7:49 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Lot to think about and I genuinely appreciate your words. I feel like I am getting ahead of myself in some regards, and what happened simply put things into perspective. I know i (at least technicaly) don't own my XW anything, but no matter what transpired between the two of us, she's still the mother of my children and was my partner of almost 15 years. I don't believe that the fact we are now legally divorced nulls and voids our agreement on honesty and openess towards each other.

I know it will hurt her, but I would rather she hear it from me than from one of our mutual friends.

But I do think, out of compassion for her, you need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you have no intention to get back together with her now or in the future.

Maybe I should better describe, in detail, how our interactions are nowadays. I think I might send her what might be considered a mixed signal, but I belive her refusal to accept this comes from her denial. Again, the fact that we divorced on good terms is not helping here. But I guess it's understandable you can't completely detach from your partner of 15 years in a matter of weeks. Especially if you have kids.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:59 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Basically, yes. It's been only a little over a month since D was final. What does it say about me?

That you are an adult that enjoys consensual sex with another adult?

Doesn't say a lot to me, morally. That is, unless for some reason you personally think sex out of wedlock is a sin (not out of the question for some religious people). You had to come a long way emotionally just to get the D in the first place. I don't think there is a "too soon" for casual sex if you want me to be honest. I would be worried if you were considering jumping straight into a serious relationship though. I wouldn't introduce this woman to your children, for example.

You might want to talk with your ex about how and when to introduce new serious partners to the kids when they finally come along.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1484   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:03 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Should I tell her right away before she finds out other ways? She called twice today, I texted back, but I am way too much of a coward (is this the right word?) to speak to her over the phone, let alone in person. I know telling her will hurt her immensely, but if I don't tell her the truth I am no better than she was during her A, right?

I would neither deny, confirm, or bring it up at all. This sort of information is stuff you share with partners. Not former partners. Did you tell your ex-gf, when you started sleeping with your future wife when that happened? When asked your answer can be that we no longer have that level of relationship. In other words, I would deflect the question. In my view the discussion with your ex is had right before any future partners, by either of you, are going to interact with your children. Personally, I think it was probably too soon and your reluctance to speak with your wife in the aftermath kind of confirms that.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8697580
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