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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:02 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Congrats on the successful NC day.

The topic of Christmas came up yesterday. Officially we are doing every other year, but my parents invited her over for Christmas eve dinner so I guess their relationship is getting back on tracks. She wants me there, too, but I don't know if I should go. I bet we all know what would happen.

One of the other of you go. There's no way having both of you present doesn't involve a set back for you this close in. Shame on your parents for inviting her without your consent.

posts: 845   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8694033

Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Numbing the emotions by drinking will not make your healing go faster but you already know that. My recommendation is to allow yourself to experience the emotions in the moment. There is a good meditation on this named RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture). Google Tara Brach and RAIN. She has some audios too on guided RAIN meditation. It helps me tons dealing with anxiety and worry about issues outside of my control.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8694036

ramius ( member #44750) posted at 9:56 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Did your parents consult you before inviting her to dinner?

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8694055

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:25 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I scanned this thread and I can honestly say I’m not clear on what it is you want.
Are you divorcing or not? Reconciling or not?
If I’m this confused then I wouldn’t be surprised if your parents are confused too. Maybe the invitation was their attempt to get you two on course.
Rather than sit in the company of a bottle then maybe just phone your parents and have a talk.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10023   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8694116

steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 12:20 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Shame on your parents for inviting her without your consent.

Personally, I would take this as an insult. That your parents invited her for dinner Christmas Eve, I mean. Shame on them. Time for a discussion with them if you haven't already done so.

Good idea to keep the booze out of the house.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8694123

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Personally, I would take this as an insult. That your parents invited her for dinner Christmas Eve, I mean. Shame on them. Time for a discussion with them if you haven't already done so.

I get the invitation. Just not at least having a discussion with their son first. But yeah, Mr. Fibble has done a good job of setting and keeping the boundary with his ex. He still needs to work on the extended family.

posts: 845   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8694136

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:39 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I scanned this thread and I can honestly say I’m not clear on what it is you want.

Are you divorcing or not? Reconciling or not?

If I’m this confused then I wouldn’t be surprised if your parents are confused too. Maybe the invitation was their attempt to get you two on course.

Rather than sit in the company of a bottle then maybe just phone your parents and have a talk.

The only confusion I've seen is from people who are being supportive. I see a man who had to make the sad decision to divorce because his wife cheated on him and he's doing the normal grieving that you do in these scenarios. There's a mix of people who are supporting him in that decision and others who are still holding out hope that they can reconcile. The confusion isn't coming from him so much as from others. From what I read, he's divorced. That he doesn't hate her isn't confusion, it's a sign that he's a really good and caring person. He's dealing with post-divorce logistics with a person he doesn't hate. I divorced my first ex-husband that way and my family still had him over for things with my permission. He and I are friends now and don't remotely hate each other, but we have been 100% divorced for 16 years now.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:40 PM, Wednesday, October 20th]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4646   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8694139

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

OK – The confusion might be because I see SO MUCH interaction between MrFibble and his EX wife.

If his parents are aware that she’s the EX and they are formally divorced then yes – I would find their invitation puzzling. But maybe they were just as puzzled as I was.

MrFibble – Divorce isn’t an alternative form of marriage. I’m OK and ALL FOR being amicable and friendly to the ex, but at the same time you need distance to recover. I don’t see all this interaction as healthy. IMHO you need time and distance simply to let the sores heal.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10023   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8694141

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I don’t think it’s so much confusion as in that I get the sense from mr F’s postings that he still feels like he’s in limbo, even post D.

My sense is that there’s the Ying that wants to consider R, then there’s the Yang that says his WW did something horrible and a price needs to be paid for that.

It could just be me, but that’s my six sense about it.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8694153

Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 4:33 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

My sense is that there’s the Ying that wants to consider R, then there’s the Yang that says his WW did something horrible and a price needs to be paid for that.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I agree with this.

Forgive me for saving this but there seems to be a bit of male pride at work here WRT the bolded. I think it drives a big part of Mr F. decision to D. OP - I don't mean to offend you and if it comes across as offensive, I apologize.

Full disclosure - I was one of those who thought Mr F. could've R with his XWW.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8694163

clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I think it is thoughtless and disrespectful of your parents to invite her without consulting you. I would request they disinvite her or make plans to visit her another day. Seriously. Why would they do that to you? You absolutely should not pretend you are a happy family at christmas because your wife and your parents are making you. At least these first few months or year or however long you want, she needs to stay out of your life and focus on being the best parent and co-parent. How completely selfish of all of them!

posts: 146   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8694168

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:36 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

I’m OK and ALL FOR being amicable and friendly to the ex, but at the same time you need distance to recover. I don’t see all this interaction as healthy. IMHO you need time and distance simply to let the sores heal.

I 100% do agree with this. My ex and I might be friends now, but I needed a couple of years to be emotionally distant from him and there wasn't any infidelity in that marriage to get over.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4646   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8694178

TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 7:05 PM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

My sense is that there’s the Ying that wants to consider R, then there’s the Yang that says his WW did something horrible and a price needs to be paid for that.

Absolutely know what this feels like. I am living it. This is why I follow this thread hoping to garner some inspiration on how to fully commit to either ying or yang

FWIW I also have my mother (also betrayed) continuing to interact with WGF as she also doesn’t believe this is the end of the story probably because she only ended up divorced when my wayward father (multiple As) left her.

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 380   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8694197

merrmeade ( new member #36180) posted at 7:57 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

What your parents did is colossally insensitive. My son went through a divorce after discovering his wife was lying and cheating. He knew what I'd gone through and knew he could talk to me without any suggestion of what he "should" do. Mainly I accepted whatever he needed for as long as he needed it. My other son would say to him the same thing he'd said to me - "He ought to forgive her for the sake of the cousins."

So I think Flibble's parents are willfully ignoring his requests and dismissing his expressed needs. They're making the same mistake parents make with any age child makes when they invalidate the child's feelings and say it's not the way the child describes it, that his feelings are wrong, and he needs to feel another way. Well, you can't direct feelings. Not your own or somebody else's, and imho nobody has any business telling you you should feel another way.

Personally, my conviction is that everybody in the family is obligated to take their cues from the wounded loved one. If they lack the empathy to know that, they are showing their own emotional immaturity and just shame on them! You're ready when YOU say, and nobody else knows this but you. Nobody has a right to say it's time until you make a move. With my son, it happened after he found somebody new, although his brother and sister-in-law were already spending time with the ex- and boyfriend, which I found disloyal and cruel.

I'm sorry you have to be your own advocate in this family, but it seems you do. So you must tell the selfish parents, who only seem interested in bandaid patching up, that it's your family time and she's not welcome. They need to uninvite her. Period. No discussion.

[This message edited by merrmeade at 8:02 AM, Monday, November 1st]

Aren't we all a work in progress?

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2012   ·   location: US
id 8696075

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 5:58 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Sorry for my disappearance, but this forum became sort of a trigger for me. I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with my attempts to block out any negative thoughts about all this. Pretend it didn't happen although all thouse daily remainders are still there. Maybe my way of coping, I don't know.

My XW refused to attend the dinner if I don't want her to be there. So that's settled. I had few arguments with my parents (mom especially). Somehow productive. I mean, I kind of understand where she's coming from, but I made my boundaries clear and made her aware of consequences were they so brazenly crossed again. She later apologized over text but she still thinks I made a mistake not giving my XW a second chance. Still thinks the decision was too rushed. Tell me about poking a barely healed wound with a pointy stick. Told her this is between me and my ex and that's it.

Numbing the emotions by drinking will not make your healing go faster but you already know that. My recommendation is to allow yourself to experience the emotions in the moment.


Learned the hard way. But I would be lying if I said it's not nice to dumb down the pain from time to time. But please don't take from it I am drowning my sorrows in booze.

Did your parents consult you before inviting her to dinner?


No, they did not. And my XW was sort of a victim, too. Said it was hard to say no because my mom got our kids on it. And what kid wouldn't want their mom and dad together during Christmas?

Bigger Lots of the confusion might come from the way I present myself here. It might be better if I would come here more often. The decision to D was not an easy one. I guess it never is, but in some cases it's a pretty clear path. It's again all about that line and stepping over it. I don't like minimizing but considering other threads here, my XW's affair was 'not that bad." People came back from worse and such. And I am not looking for some strange combination of D/R. I am simply trying to make it and be there for my kids. And she does the same thing. But the more I pull, the more she (maybe unwittingly) pushes. I dont text, she asks how my day is going. Or I get a photo of kids doing the dishes. This sort of things. She repeatedly asks if I am happy (not in a tone meaning ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU?), if I am feeling ok. I am just so tired of all this.

Maybe the invitation was their attempt to get you two on course.


Absolutely it was.

DevastatedDee Thank you very much for your post. It's nice to know I am not alone in this

My sense is that there’s the Ying that wants to consider R, then there’s the Yang that says his WW did something horrible and a price needs to be paid for that.

Well, you are not that far. But it's not about price being paid. It's about what I can and can't live with. It has nothing to do with pride or my male ego. But nevertheless, iteresting point so thank you.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8696183

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

My XW refused to attend the dinner if I don't want her to be there. So that's settled.

That's good in that she continues to do what is best for you to heal. It would have been better for her to defer to check whether it was ok with you before accepting.

I dont text, she asks how my day is going. Or I get a photo of kids doing the dishes. This sort of things. She repeatedly asks if I am happy (not in a tone meaning ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU?), if I am feeling ok. I am just so tired of all this.

She wants you back and this is her way of keeping the bond alive. Obviously this is bad for your healing. You need to call her on it. She needs to back off and give you the space to fully heal. NC unless necessary for the kids.

posts: 845   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8696197

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:48 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

She repeatedly asks if I am happy, if I am feeling ok. I am just so tired of all this

"I will be, if you let me!" Would it be too rude?

posts: 572   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8696292

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 11:13 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I got my call-up order in mail this morning, which means two weeks of basically forced no contact. It will suck not seeing girls for two weeks, but it's probably for the best to have some time away and focus on other things. I am thinking about inviting my XW to stay in the house with kids but am not sure if it's a good idea. I kniw they don't like staying in her appartment that much. No surprise there

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8696322

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:06 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I am thinking about inviting my XW to stay in the house with kids but am not sure if it's a good idea. I know they don't like staying in her apartment that much. No surprise there

In my view this is a no. It's best for everyone to stay in the new normal for now.

posts: 845   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8696339

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

Thank you grubs. I will keep that thought to myself.

I am going out with some friends tomorrow, to take the edge off. Didn't have much chances to go out recently so I am looking forward to it. Hope you all are doing well

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8696672
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