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Do I tell the kids

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blahblahblahe posted 4/16/2021 22:12 PM

My agenda is presenting a realistic perspective based on how the real world.

From YOUR perspective, you are assuming YOUR perspective is realistic and pure of intention. I suspect most see it quite differently and quite rightfully so (I do).

The kids are not automatically going to side with dad.

Is that the agenda you see? Or is it a man who is not going to cover for wife's decisions. There will be consequences that SHE has earned, it is NOT for the OP to bear any the responsibility for the WW's actions.

The in-laws arenít going to fall all over themselves and turn against their daughter.

That depends upon a number of factors which you have ignored for the purpose of your agenda.

I see it quite clearly as controlling the narrative, preventing a person (WW) with known character issues from placing blame on the OP for the divorce it not only reasonable, it is very logical and intelligent.

Clarity is what was needed, and what the OP just provided.

ExiledfromNY posted 4/16/2021 22:17 PM

That argument is a straw man. No one is assuming that his wifeís parents will automatically disown her and fully support DJK. No one is assuming his children will never speak to their mother again.

But he has every right to say his STBEX cheated with AP and she has been doing it for 11 months. Why should he make her life after divorce easy and assist with her lies?

asc1226 posted 4/16/2021 22:17 PM


The kids are not automatically going to side with dad.

Who says they have to side with anyone? Their mom will still be their mom, their dad will still be their dad. Whatever decisions they make about their relationships with their parents will at least have a honest basis.

The people around you will not appreciative being a part of your revenge against their will.

But apparently theyíll be just peachy being deceived and lied to? Not that I agree with your statement. Thatís a hell of a sentiment put forth on an anti infidelity website. It seems you would have Daniel be complicit in his stbxwwís A by keeping her awful secrets.

HellFire posted 4/16/2021 22:33 PM

Thatís a hell of a sentiment put forth on an anti infidelity website

Not when you consider the source. Poppy is a WS, who enjoys popping up on threads, on which she feels she can shame the BS.

It's a pattern most of us have come to just laugh at, and move on.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/16/2021 22:35 PM

Exactly what Hellfire said

20yrsagoBS posted 4/16/2021 22:51 PM


First, (((Hugs))),

Second, how are you feeling?

Your kids now know, as does family. There has to be relief not having to carry that burden

Itís tough when kids learn a parent canít keep their pants on, embarrassing too

You did what needed doing, no matter what anyone thinks.

Take a deep breath and start looking forward to a new life out of infidelity

homewrecked2011 posted 4/17/2021 00:21 AM

My childrenís counselor at the Domestic Violence Center said I absolutely had to tell them the truth because they need to stay in reality.

No contact=no new hurts. We only have to process the hurts we already know about.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/17/2021 01:21 AM

Daniel you did absolutely the right thing. I remember when I was questioning my approach around telling my very young children in age appropriate language, a lead practitioner in childrenís mental health telling me ĎI wish all parents were as honest and straight up with their children, itís lying and children filling in the gaps using their imaginations that causes no end of pain and hurt for young peopleí. My own children are extremely well adjusted and never blamed me for mine and my WHs period of separation.

Iím sorry youíre feeling so down but in my experience despite all our posturing (for want of a better word) as betrayed spouse there is a part of us deep down, when going through what youíre going through, that clings onto the idea of hope. That our much loved family lives pre affair, can be recovered. Every step forwards towards divorce brings on a new set of grief. But you will get there. It will get better. The pain will lessen.

Please take care of yourself and your children as you move forward. Keep being resolute in your decision to approach their questions with age appropriate honesty.

Graphite posted 4/17/2021 04:43 AM

I completely understand why you are feeling fresh outrage. You want to believe her trashing the reality you built together is an aberration, that at some level the boundary you made by filing for divorce will have burst her fantasy bubble. But by continuing in her affair, despite everything being lost, she is asserting her warped reality all over again.
As you so wisely said to someone else here, truth is on your side. What she has is built on sand and she is too narcissistic to care how much she has hurt you and what you built together.
You need this woman out of your space. What is happening with divorce and living space plans?
Can you revisit asking her to leave?
Her presence must feel like an affront right now.
Good you told the kids. They deserve to know what happened to their family.

ff4152 posted 4/17/2021 05:54 AM

It's a pattern most of us have come to just laugh at, and move on.

People in glass houses......

wifehad5 posted 4/17/2021 06:25 AM

Let's keep to the topic here. If you don't like the advice someone posted, refute it. Enough with the personal attacks.

steadychevy posted 4/17/2021 06:40 AM

It's appropriate you tell the children, Daniel, in an age appropriate way. Their foundation is being destroyed and they need to know why. They will try and fill in the blanks themselves. Your children are teenagers. Be honest with them They should know why their lives are going to be in turmoil. Offer to get them any counselling they think and you think they might need. Answer any questions.

Your family and hers and anyone else that is part of your and her life should know the why of the divorce. It wasn't that you fell out of love. It was adultery. Adultery for a long time and adultery that was continuing. Just the facts. They are enough.

Cooley2here posted 4/17/2021 08:02 AM

Children are the great secret keepers of this world. They already know. They might not know itís cheating but they know something bad happened. They just donít talk to you about it to protect you. Thatís the hardest thing for parents to understand is that their children often keep secrets so that their parents wonít be in pain. That protection starts fairly early. Keep it simple. Answering questions with one or two sentences is all you need to do. No bad mouthing

HellFire posted 4/17/2021 08:34 AM

People in glass houses......

Yes, because how dare I encourage WS to be honest with their BS. Just as I encourage BS to be honest with their family and friends,and give age appropriate honesty to their children. Op did nothing wrong here. Children often know something is wrong. They aren't stupid. And, being kids, they tend to internalize,and believe the problems are their fault. Kids have a right to know why their family is imploding,just as BS deserve the truth as well. As BS we know the destruction lies cause. I realize it's hard for some WS to grasp,but I've noticed the FWS here encourage the kids being told.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:35 AM, April 17th (Saturday)]

Bigger posted 4/17/2021 08:37 AM

Poppy is offering a good and realistic point-of-view on what took place.
Is it the only POV or the correct POV or the only one DanielJK should listen to?
No Ė definitely not. But IMHO it should give DanielJK food for thought.

Just like my POV and reasoning should give him food for thought is valid despite not being the only correct opinion expressed on this thread:

Exposure needs to serve a purpose. Revenge is never a good reason or purpose because it tends to turn in our hands. There is a very strong chance that the 14 and 16 year old daughters see this as an attempt to alienate them from their mom or an attempt to have them take sides. Both things the STBXW could use to improve her stance in custody.
It also depends on HOW the exposure was done. Something DanielJK hasnít shared. ďYour momís a skank and thatís why I am divorcing the hateful bitchĒ wonít fly, while ďthe reason we are divorcing is your mom had an affairĒ does.

I am definitely 100% on the wagon that says that stakeholders in a marriage need to know why the marriage ended. Kids are definitely stakeholders and therefore they should be informed why their parents are divorcing. If for not other reason than to ensure they know its of no fault of their own.

DanielJK: you have a thread on the Divorce forum. I offered you some advice there. I stick to that advice. You say you are moving towards divorceÖ Donít move towards it Ė DO IT. File, deal with the numbers, do the calculations, get the papers doneÖ DO DIVORCE rather than gently dance around the thought and dabble with one factor of the process at a time. Focus on getting out of infidelity. If your WW has someone in the wings or not isnít an issue because divorce is the termination of your commitments.

Iím a guide. What that means is Iím the kid in the class that thinks heís so important because he runs with the notes from the teacher to the principal. In reality he Ė just like I Ė have no power. Take what I share here with that in mind.

Singling out posters isnít endorsed here on SI. Some of the responses here to Poppyís post are aimed at Poppy rather than the advice offered. One of SIís strengths lies in the diversity of our members and them being BS, WS, MadHatters, straight, gay, biÖ whatever. Suggesting that one posters advice is bad because he/she isnít what you areÖ No. Not a good idea. IMHO it weakens our site.
If you think a post is offensive or crosses some guideline or isnít appropriate then reply with arguments rather than fights AND/OR ask for a Mod to settle the dispute.

landclark posted 4/17/2021 09:18 AM

Iíll be honest that my son (9) asked me why I was having trouble with daddy, and I told him it was because dad was talking to other women, that he broke his vows, explained what those were, etc. All in a very simplified, age appropriate way, but I was honest. It hasnít impacted his relationship with dad, and it gave me the peace of my son knowing that I wasnít keeping him in the dark when he clearly knew something was going on.

So Iím definitely on the tell your kids in an age appropriate way side. Iím also not a fan of the asking people to continue to lie on their behalf. I saw a post on another site that was overwhelmingly on the tell nobody ever side. I donít get that. We are not obligated to keep other peopleís lies to our own detriment.

Daniel, youíve been in an impossible, abusive situation. I hope that telling your story, your truth, to your family brings you some peace. Iím so sorry for what youíve been through.

sisoon posted 4/17/2021 09:23 AM

I agree with Bigger, but I'm writing to raise a different point - angry criticism of a poster whose opinion is in the minority.

This is an open forum with guidelines. Any post that doesn't violate one or more of those guidelines is permitted.

If a comment incenses you, I recommend making sure you don't respond wholly from being triggered. If a comment incenses you, I recommend looking at the content objectively - that is, not as a BS or WS - and responding to content.


I read a lot of posts and get angry. Hell, posts that express anger at other posts get me angry. (I won't even mention over-generalizations.)

I cannot recommend too strongly that anger needs to be looked at and resolved before posting ... and the content of posts is what needs responses.

Each of us has total power over what we post.

BTW: Every post says more about the poster than about the intended audience.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:24 AM, April 17th (Saturday)]

leavingorbit posted 4/17/2021 09:29 AM

I think it's important to consider whether it was a reactive decision versus a response. Reactivity is something about us and our emotions individually, rather than our kids or their wellbeing. The thing that gives me pause is the mention of "scorched earth." So yes, I do see where Poppy is coming from and would probably need more details about the conversation as it took place before I could offer more feedback.

dogcopter posted 4/17/2021 09:51 AM

I find myself thinking about how to disclose to those close to me in my own case. Here is what I've arrived at (so far).

Keeping an eye on your long term goals seems the most important thing. For me, I will have to co-parent and so scorching the earth here is going to create unnecessary pain for my children as their parent degenerate into sniping angry warring factions. For you, maybe ask what the long term implications are for doing what you are doing.

Being objective is hard. Us BS's are mad and rightfully so. Finding outlets for that anger are important. I fling my dog's crap over the fence into the AP/neighbor's yard. I will probably continue until I'm set to move out. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make anything better. But I do feel better with every fresh load I send sailing over. I think it is valid to assess if this is an outlet to your anger and then decide if you want to tell the kids or not.

And yes, I think if telling them is something you decide to do, then that's fine. It is a consequence of her mess, not yours. Just be realistic about your motivations and act accordingly to your values and what's best in the long term.

My two cents...

dogcopter posted 4/17/2021 09:54 AM

... in case it's not clear, I use a shovel😊

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