SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok. I don’t know why I have kept reading this because nothing makes my blood boil faster than hearing about alpha males and women not responding to men who don’t exhibit a certain type of behaviour. But, I can only imagine this whole thread has turned you off listening to bits and pieces of productive advice peppered through the other stuff.

I wanted to say I am sorry this has happened to you. Even at a distance of two years I remember the desperation, rage, and all consuming pain that literally brought me to my knees. I want you to take a deep breath and realize beyond your hopes and the wish it all just isn’t happening is a woman who got upset and stormed away from you when you told her outside relationships of this nature were not okay with you. That is a breathtaking example of disrespect of your family and incredible entitlement.

Honestly, at a minimum can you not say having sex with someone else isn’t acceptable? That is a pretty low bar. My dear man, you are worth so much more and although people certainly reconcile, it is never the same. You will never again feel a complete connection to this woman who could knowingly hurt you this much. I know I will never ever ever allow myself to feel enough again for my husband in case this happens again. No way.

So it is early for you. Do what you need to to survive but keep in mind she should be the one doing the work here and if your initial list is no longer livable for you, too bad for her. Take care of you and think long and hard what 5 years from now will look like and 10. If this is a deal breaker that is okay. The ball should be entirely in your court.

You need to have his medical license revoked, start a professional investigation with the medical board.

I agree with this statement from a previous poster.

You should do this NOW.

What he did was completely unethical and violates the rules that a Dr has to conduct himself.

THIS should be done ASAP. There is NO reason to hold off on this.

Your wife is arguing with you about not being around the guy at a pot luck dinner?

Did you ever talk to that wife about if she knows they had sex?

Since you are a 50% owner of the gym, why don't YOU cancel their membership/

If your wife complains, just tell her this is just ONE of the consequences of you cheating.

You say she is different now and not that same loving person you knew -- SO, do you really WANT to stay married to this person? OR are you wanting to stay married to the IMAGE you had of who she was?

Ok. I don’t know why I have kept reading this because nothing makes my blood boil faster than hearing about alpha males and women not responding to men who don’t exhibit a certain type of behaviour.

Then maybe you should stay away and focus on other threads that meet your approval.

ETA: apologies for the T/j.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 12:49 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]

Ok I will, sorry to have offended. I just think calling someone spineless and kicking him while down at the worst point in his life when he is just looking to make sense of this mess is not productive.

It had absolutely nothing to do with approval. Take care OP.

inkarnit,

I hope you are doing better.

None of us were Rambo upon discovering that our wives were sticking a knife in our backs and twisting it by still wanting to be with the man she betrayed us with.

I can honestly say I was a heap of jelly sobbing on the floor many times. I just managed to find the fortitude to do it in private where she couldn't see it.

To be honest, I personally would never be able to reconcile with a cheating wife, but I can comprehend that people do. After all we married our wives because we loved them dearly.

Some people here have been way too harsh. Yes, you made a gigantic mistake with your initial reaction to her infidelity, but you seem to want advice and some of us gave you the most effective steps to get out of infidelity.

These steps are the same, R or D. After you are out of infidelity and choose the R route, I can no longer advise from a personal perspective, because I have never walked that path.

Do not let the harsh posters drive you off. Don't walk back your initial boundaries you presented to your wife. Tell her you were in shock and they are bull-sh1t. Then lay out the boundaries you want, not what you think will work, but what you need.

NC, Expose and Divorce... R or D, these are the 3 elements I have seen work to get out of infidelity, counter intuitive as it may seem, this is the tripod of actions that yields the best results.

Compromise on your part is like poison to your family.

I'm going to be honest, R seems unlikely, but not impossible. You need to look after yourself and the kids now. This is your job. Your wife has fired you as her husband and you have no further obligations towards her.

As part of the Divorce strategy, halt all monitory support to her, withdraw half the money from all shared accounts and deposit it into an account in your own name only.

Cancel all joint credit cards. Your finances needs to be completely untangled and separated as far as possible. Make sure she can not make any further debt in your name.

Read up on and start implementing a method called the 180. You are too close to her and need to at least partially detach. This method looks like a de-facto good Idea to help you detach from her.

It contains many elements in common with what I did to detach from my ex-wife many years ago and most everyone reports that it works.

Your wife has chosen to be selfish, time for you to do the same.

Let us know how you are doing.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 5:37 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]

I needed to add this:

My ex-wife hated my guts (so she told me) during her affair. In truth she was just re-writing marital history in her mind and magnifying every small things I did wrong in order to justify her reprehensible actions and choices to herself.

She told me how much better this man was than me, in every possible way including sexually.

I filed for divorce immediately and moved out. When the reality of the divorce hit her, she reneged on every good thing she told me about her AP and that I was the one, the only, the best.

This is not unique to me, this seems a common thread throughout all infidelity forums.

In my case however, sexual intercourse with another man is a deal breaker and I was not interested in her at all. She was tainted and could never be clean again.

We all have different deal-breakers, but a wife in an affair has likely done something that you can not live with.

Be prepared that if you act strong and decisively now, that she might beg for you to give her another chance and you might really feel she does not deserve it.

She is also not considering that 2 of your children is legally and biologically not yours, with absent fathers and should she consider the sister wife arrangement, she would find that the new family will not want to take in these kids full time. She is living a fairy-tale where without you as baby-sitter, she will have no time for her lover and she will not find sanctuary with them should you withdraw your support and enabling actions.

If any of the above is the case, do not attempt R. If it feels that you have to cut your testicles off and hand it to her just to be with her, it's never worth it. In order to be a stable husband and father, you must first and foremost love and respect yourself.

How are you doing today? How did it go at the gym?

I know this is difficult. We all do.

We just want to give you the best chance to have a happy life.

Asking your wife to be faithful is not being controlling. Telling her that you cannot be with her if she has desire for another man is not being controlling.

It is being honest. It is important to honestly say what you expect from a monogamous relationship, in a clear way and then stick to that. If she can’t give it to you then best to let her go now, otherwise you’ll spend your life always wondering, and always in pain.

If you haven’t found it yet, read THE 180 or THE SIMPLIFIED 180 in The Healing Library (found in upper left of this page) under Articles.

Our thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:56 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

Your wife cannot arbitrarily change the rules of your marriage and expect you to go along.

My H tried that. Two weeks after I learned if the affair it waS the “her or me” conversation. He chose me. But it was a lie.

However he knew he was not going to sit in our home and Skype and cheat in front of me. That wasn’t happening. And a few months later he saw how I had zero tolerance for his continued cheating as well.

My motto is — You are either with me or against me. And if not with me you are shown the door. Why am I so strong on this? I allowed his first EA to be rugswept. Which allowed him to think it was something he could do again and get away with it.

Second time around I was not going to be pushed around & dictated to and railroaded. And there will never be a third time around. And he knows that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:44 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

Inkarnit

I hope you haven't left us.

I know the advice has been harsh, but your situation is all too familiar to the folks here including me.

We don't want you to live like this. We all know how hard this hit you. We know how devastating this is and we want to get you to safety.

Please let us know how you are doing.

If it helps any, I've posted my original story here. I received some harsh advice and I did not listen. I suffered in limbo for going on 10 months now. It has been the worst 10 months of my life. Had I listened I believe I would be in a better place right now. Instead I waited until December to file for divorce, I expect it to be final this month, then I have to wait for my cheater to find a house. It sucks.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=649120

Please don't do what I did. Don't let fear guide you.

I don't know if this is the best analogy or not regarding the comments that some posters are being "too harsh" (maybe some are).

Makes me think about the movie "Platoon". The scene where they were walking down the trail and the new soldier who was SO terrified he was about to shit/piss in his pants. So much so he wasn't taking heed to the advice he was being given.

The vets screamed at him to WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! To pay attention to his surroundings because he was in a war zone and any mistake could end his life. Seconds later he stepped on a mine and was blown up!!

Infidelity may not be a war zone, but it certainly is littered with mines that can/will blow up your world (and your kids world if you have any) and it can cut you to the core and put you on a path where many never recover.

So it sure is a fine line having a newbie come to SI, terrified, and to see them making mistakes that are/will make their situation even worse.

Does one coddle this individual or do you do whatever is necessary to wake this person up so they can see the reality of the situation they're in AND the sooner they do (wake up and stop being a deer in the headlights) the better off they'll be to face the nightmare they find themselves in??

Maybe this should be its own thread?

OP I sure hope you stick around as you're going to need as much guidance as you can get moving forward.

inkarnit - catchy name!

I am sorry for your hurt.

I have read your initial post and some others, but I haven't gone through your entire thread as my time is short these days and I have been more involved with another current thread.

So perhaps this advice has been given to you already:

1) Expose the affair, but it's a little different this time:

You should expose the sleazebag affair partner's business! You and your wife's relationship with him was based in business as well as friendship. He took advantage of that access to fuck your wife.

This lack of scruples as a businessperson should be exposed to anybody who might do business with him. Reviews, people you know in common, existing clientele of his that you know of.

Ruin that fucker. I am not a lawyer, but I don't believe you can be penalized for telling the scout's honor truth!

Expose to his wife: I don't believe his wife doesn't know they crossed into sex. Otherwise, why would the offer be on the table for her to join them in a polygamous union? But expose anyway.

Expose to mutual acquaintances, family, etc.

Expose him, his wife, your wife, and his business for what they are: degenerates.

***

2) I don't see that you have a marriage to save:

I've seen counsel in other threads that "a marriage can survive anything". My question is: Should your marriage survive?

Let's say you can get her to stop fooling around with this couple, and come back. What do you have? A person who has no morals whatsoever. No character. The willingness to destroy her mate so she can live in an ongoing threesome.

Do you really want to wake up next to that mess every day for the rest of your life?

I say, let her go.

Good luck to you.

I can see why this gets overwhelming for new people. You get hit with the 2x4 that your spouse is cheating, and then you come here hoping for sympathy and get hit with another one. Heck, I'm just a bystander and reading the way people start posting with their claws out is rough. While I understand they have good intentions... I don't think many of them would have been ready to hear it like this, not right away.

OP- the best advice I can give you is that when your wife says you're controlling her? I would politely inform her that we only control ourselves. You can make boundaries for yourself- that you won't be in a non monogamous relationship, for example. That's not about her; it's about you. She's free to do whatever she likes. But if she violates your boundary, which is about you and not her, then you respect yourself enough to engage in self care and remove yourself from a relationship that violates your boundaries.

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I ever received was "I love you. But not even for you am I willing to compromise and hurt my own self like that." No relationship is worth compromising your boundaries for.

Before people try to weaponize and misinterpret, you can't make boundaries about someone else- those are rules, and then her argument about control holds water. But she has nothing to say if you tell her your personal boundaries.

Hugs if they're welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a crappy situation.

inkarnit:

Hope you are hanging in there. Take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise and try to get good sleep. One of the best pieces of wisdom I heard when I got here, was to take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Look for the kernels of insight even in the posts that seem the most harsh or insensitive to your situation. PSTI has given some great advice about your boundaries versus being controlling. It bears repeating. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 12:41 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

I feel late to this thread, but thought I’d add only a small tidbit.

It can certainly feel overwhelming to have so many people offer their advice so matter of factly. You think “but y’all don’t know MY story. MY WW. MY marriage.” That is very true, but the folks around here do know more than your average person about infidelity. only being here a little over a year, I’ve seen how the “pick me” dance plays out. It’s never in the betrayeds favor. It may take some of the shock wearing off for you, but a lot of what other posters have said will start making sense soon enough. You’ll likely look back and wish you would have listened, if you aren’t already, which sounds like you aren’t. If you’re still reading, but aren’t ready for to make some very tough decisions right now, I hope you’ll stick around and read other’s experiences. When you are ready, I hope you will come back and share. Best of luck.

Ink,

I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling,

You’ve had (more than usual) many 2x4’s thrown at you, honestly it’s not done out of meanness or anger, it comes from yrs of being here, it comes from past experiences & it comes from genuine care. This sub is filled with men/women that have been exactly where you are. We have all been betrayed.

At some point we have walked in your shoes, sadly some longer than others.

Watch her, watch her actions, that will tell you more than her words will.

Im ashamed to say ‘Actions’ were the 1 thing I didn’t take immediate notice of in my experience...albeit eventually his actions told me so much more about my EX, his words were more than meaningless when his actions said SO much.

Be kind to yourself & Take care.

First, forget about your W's interests right now. Focus on what you want. If what you want is time ti get get out of shock, I'd say that's the right thing to do. I'd say giving yourself the time you need is the best thing to do.

Then, do you really want R? For some, an A is a deal breaker. Consider carefully - if it's a deal breaker for you, you can save yourself a lot of energy by forgoing an attempt to R.

It's great that you consulted an attorney. You can't really say 'yes' to one option unless you can say 'no' to it, too. If you have to do one thing or another, you don't really have an option....

If you really want R, then you need to determine your requirements, your deal breakers. Usual requirements include NC, honesty (answers all questions, no more lies), transparency (you know her location, activity, companions at virtually all times), IC for her (with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner, and with a release that allows her IC to talk with you), MC when either of you wants it, IC for you if you want it.

Some people write that you define R. I can't believe they mean that. R is a cooperative venture that needs to serve both partners. That means your WS has to have input into what R will be - if she doesn't, she really will be letting you control her, and that usually ends badly. That's why you need to know your requirements - the things without which you will walk away.

If R interests you, you can't make a quick decision, because it takes time to figure out if your W is a good candidate for R. R is easy to fake for a few weeks. It's much harder to fake for 3, 6, 12, 24 months. If you are interested in R and your W says she's willing to do the work, you need to observe her for months to determine if she delivers what she promises.

*****

MC early is often wasted money and effort because the M didn't fail. Your W did. MC treats the M, but it's your W who needs to change.

I'm struck by her feeling of neglect when she's got a job, manages a gym, deals with pain ... she's over-committed. I wonder how affectionate she was while she was feeling neglected. That sort of disconnect is much more easily fixed in IC than in MC.

Some MCs will address the A first. That MC will help your W take responsibility for her actions and not blame you or the M, but that type of MC is relatively rare.

*****

R is best when it's chosen freely. R is bound to go through very tough patches. If you're both in R because you want to be, it's easier to get through them. If one of you is doing R for some external reason, it's too easy to blame the external reason, and that fucks up R.

*****

Exposure ... I don't get it. Call the OBS for sure, but letting everyone else know? What's the positive outcome?

Ending the A by exposure is not necessarily a positive outcome. That may have the effect of the WS feeling forced back into the M. Who wants a partner who has been forced into the partnership?

R works best if the WS wants R. If the BS's knowledge of the A isn't enough to cause the WS to end it, I'm not sure I'd want that WS back. So I agree with your strategy of letting your W have rope - especially since she always has enough rope to take the A underground anyway.

*****

I don't give a rat's ass about whether or not your W respects you, although she's making a mistake if she doesn't. I mean ... WSes are so fucked up that one can't put much credence into their judgments.

What's really important here is for you to respect yourself. A good IC can help you with that, if you want or need the help.

*****

Honesty is the single most important element in healing (AKA 'getting out of infidelity') - honesty with yourself and with your W. Therefore, I counsel as strongly as possible that you think straight, talk straight, and act straight.

Do what you say you'll do. Ask for what you want. Do not attempt to manipulate your W into one thing or another. Don't bluff, because if your W calls your bluff, you lose.

Your W needs to be honest to R. If you bluff, you show her there are sitches in which it's OK to lie.

Build boundaries. It's really not important to your W how you'll feel if she sees her ap again. What you'll do is important, but your feelings aren't. So, 'If you go to movie night, I'll feel bad' doesn't do much.

'If you go to movie night, don't come home' means something. 'If you go to movie night, that's another nail in our M's coffin' might have an effect on her behavior.

Likewise, 'Find another gym, or find a lawyer to represent you in our D' means something.

*****

A few pages back, someone said he's seen R succeed only when the BS was decisive.

I'm not for R or for D. I'm for healing. What I've seen succeed are BSes who act decisively in their own interests - for them, not against their WSes.

That means answering questions like: What do you want? What are you willing to do to get it? What do you not want? What are you willing to do to avoid what you don't want? What issues are important to you? Etc., etc., etc.

*****

You're less than a week out. You've just begun your journey. I think you've done well in your first week. Have faith in yourself to heal. It'll take a lot longer than you think it should, but you are on your way.

BTW, even if you try to give up control of your own life, the moment you take control back is the moment you start to heal.

*****

BTW, my words about honesty change somewhat if you decide to D.

R requires maximizing communication. Finding out if your W is a good candidate for R requires maximizing communication.

If you decide to D, your best bet is to minimize communications - stay honest and non-manipulative, but limit what you share.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:45 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

So sorry brother.

I am unsure if she was a patient of the shit Doctor; or just he was providing some general advice. Either was there is Medical ethic that has been breached regardless of their action or intentions on their part especially his.

As the other wife is ok with Dr banging others as it makes the shit Dr happy, so why does that make it all ok?

Is your WW that selfish that she is ok to ruin her gym business and loose the house of her dreams?

Can you cease the additional building add ons and just finish the main home? Why out lay dead money if you end up going to D?

The next time she has movie night at her polyamory home she can take all the children along as well.

No husband likes the idea that their wife is going through all the grooming, dressing and makeup so to make her self more appealing to the other man!

She goes, the kids go!

You can tag along, telling her and the shit Dr that you want to get in on the action with the other wife.

What? WW doesn’t want you to have the same cake as her?

Reality check time. Sorry brother for that.

Respect yourself and the children. Eat healthy and go to another gym to exercise. No rug sweeping or being her plan B.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 12:26 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

The only boundary you need to set is this: “You are welcome to see who you want, have sex with whoever you want, and do whatever you want with your own free time... just not as my wife.”

If she bemoans how you are backing out of your agreement and being controlling, remind her that your original agreement was to be faithful to one another in good times and bad. Also remind her that she didn’t give you a choice before she started up her affair; instead, she forced you into a one-sided open relationship without your knowledge or consent. Taking your agency away IS controlling.

I didn't read through the whole thread, but my xwh wanted to be poly and have date nights and 'sleepovers' with his "girlfriend" too. And I did like you and tied myself into knots trying to make myself get okay with it.

But I wasn't and was never gonna be okay with my husband fucking some other person. I'm monogamous. Period.

So let me ask you: do you want a brother-husband? Do you want your wife fucking another man? Because you're telling her to go right ahead and do that.

If you don't want a brother-husband, then tell her so in no uncertain terms. What you're doing will not make her "choose you". It won't make her give a tiddly shit about how much pain she's caused you (and continues to cause you). Because her head is soooooo far up get own ass right now that she flat can't care about how YOU feel.

I did 9 months of the pick-me tango and all it did was hurt me. If I had it to do over again in my case, I would've kicked him out dday1 and never looked back.

A member who was around here about a year ago, tried "to nice her back".

He recently posted an update about his situation.

Take a look at where he is now.

Take a read on some of his previous posts from a year ago. You can see previous posts, by going to his profile.

Here is his current post:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=652838