SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Asking for the monogamous relationship she committed to on your wedding day is not being controlling.

Expecting her to remove threats to your marriage if she desires to continue your relationship is not being controlling.

She can have any friends she wants. She just can’t have romantic and sexual partners. That’s what a monogamous relationship is.

So you are simply telling her that if she desires others she is welcome to go be with them to fulfill that need and cannot be with you anymore until she is no longer a threat to betray your vows and only has desire to be romantic and intimate with you for the rest of her life.

That is not controlling.

What is controlling is her thinking that you should stay in a relationship where she gives away her love and affection to others. That is what is controlling.

I am almost onboard with Stevesn that your wife be offered the choice, you and NC with the divorce pending and a chance of R or the AP and his wife.

If she chooses them, drive her there, knock on the door and tell them you are delivering their new plaything. Your wife just needs to understand that she is no longer welcome home if she chooses that.

She can have you or her boyfriend, but not both.

This is an extreme response, but it will definitely send an unambiguous message to your wife and may bring this to an abrupt conclusion. Unfortunately maybe not the conclusion you would like at all.

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EXPOSE the affair, shine the light of day onto their vipers-nest of lies. Don't even think about waiting any longer.

Remember the medical board on Monday.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:18 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

Your wife should be chasing after you to "save" the marriage. Your requests are reasonable.

I want you to stop sleeping with him and only choose me. But if you can't stay out of his bed, you need to use protection. And the same with me if you choose to sleep with me.

Seriously dude once you told your WW the above all the rest of your wish list for your M might as well be thrown in the garbage.

For your WW to end her A takes NC, remorse for what she has done. a timeline for all & everything & transparency with all devices, definitely not permission to keep banging the POSOM with the stipulation that they use a condom & the same with you when she comes home and offers up sloppy seconds. Seriously are you really I mean really ok with that cause if you are you need to see an IC ASAP or join the neighborhood cuckold group.

I'm struggling with the dichotomy of advice I've received here and elsewhere. I've talked to several people who went through the harboring Hope program and reconciled. I was using their advice to proceed. The advice here is polar opposite.

Inkarnit,

That's because this website is based on getting out of infidelity. Whether the betrayed chooses to divorce or reconcile is irrelevant; different people choose different paths. But to remain in infidelity is an awful place to be, and that is why the emphasis here is to get out as quickly and painlessly(like there isn't a ton of pain already) as possible.

That last response that your wife just gave you? That is remaining in infidelity. It has you going against your own morals and character to try to 'fix' something that you did not break. YOU CAN'T DO IT. YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF. It is the figurative comparison to inhaling a bunch of poison, and holding your breath. It eats you up internally.

We understand fully on wanting to reconcile. Most members here wanted that too, and many members have. But there are right and wrong ways to attempt to do so. And around here, where getting out of infidelity is more important than reconciling at any cost, the advice you are going to receive is precisely that. And, if you step back and think about it at a most basic level, it is all that much clearer:

--Do not accept less-than from your partner

--Do not compromise your character and morals for anyone else

--Do not let fear be your driving motivation

I'd bet that you had a pretty good idea of how to handle things in life, and your marriage, before infidelity hit. Now, everything is questionable. That steady ground that you stood on before is now quicksand. But did your morals change? Is your wife having an affair now acceptable? Of course not. So why allow it, when it goes against everything that you stand for?

Those are the questions that you need to ask yourself. Be brutally honest. Is it because you 'feel' that it is the best way, or are you afraid of the possible outcome(s) otherwise? I would bet my bottom dollar that 90+ percent of the newly betrayed members first came here afraid that they would 'push' their spouse away. But how do you push, when they already left? How can it be wrong to make demands of what you KNOW is morally right? It is too easy to let fear dictate our actions. Don't let this happen to you.

"It's been 2 days! I haven't gone over there or done anything. We came to an agreement I could live with and then you come in 2 days later and say, sorry I need to control you now."

This makes me angry. My STBXWW did the same thing.

You asking her to stop cheating on you is "controlling" her. Good God, do cheaters hear themselves talk?

She's having an affair and she's angry at you? It is the sick, twisted mind of a cheater.

This is cheater 101. You are interfering with her fantasy world and her response is "don't you dare screw this up for me."

You've got a cake eater on your hands. You can't snap her out of this, she has to do it herself. Read up on the 180 in the healing library. You have to focus on yourself.

Seriously, stop doing the pick me dance. Get some space for yourself somehow. You can't nice her out of this, it just won't work.

Just tell her..."call it 'controlling' if you like, but I refuse to live with infidelity. Go ahead and move in with your fuck buddies. I want nothing to do with it and I do not want Dr. Douchbag in my life."

While I've left her a semi open door to stray, she hasn't yet. She's not sharing her thoughts and feelings much yet, other than to tell me when I'm being too pushy, but the actions she's taking so far are adhering to the most stringent interpretation of the outlined boundaries.

Brother she's in an ACTIVE A, you've left the door WIDE OPEN ! (a "semi-pregnant" analogy will probably fit), she is still in contact with POSOM, she IS straying !!, too pushy ?? when you're WW confessed to being in love with her boyfriend !! and YOU are being too pusy ?!

Do I think it will come to a head soon? Yes. I expect her to test my resolve. I want to respond strongly when that occurs.

Again brother that has ALREADY occurred, she's "testing" your resolve right now and so far only been met with an "understanding BH (YOU) who will allow her to take her sweet time to "choose" and who allows her to spend time with her boyfriend as long as she is "honest" and it doesn't interfere with "family time", and that if she continues to have sex with him, "she better use protection" and who will talk to her about an "upcoming potlock".

Again, take action immediately, don't worry about the gym right now or the next potlock now, you got much bigger issues at hand to deal with, your entire future is at stake and you should heed the advice of a forum that specializes in the exact problem you're facing.

Kicking someone out of your gym will not ruin it. I also do CrossFit. In my six years here there have been a number of affairs, an all-out fist fight with 4+ people and any number of other rumors and garbage.

If she runs a good gym then there will be a few weeks of gossip and...that’s it. 98% of the people are there to work out and go home.

I will send you the cost of the gym of kicking two members out is the actual thing that ends the gym in the next six months.

Well I just tried to walk back my list and she got predictably upset with me.

"It's been 2 days! I haven't gone over there or done anything. We came to an agreement I could live with and then you come in 2 days later and say, sorry I need to control you now."

And then she walked away from me.

Ugh. I was afraid of that. The message here is NOT "you're so controlling". That's just a bit of DARVO to push you back. What she's really saying is that she's not finished with the affair yet. I mean, think about it logically for a minute. Let's say it's you who's cheating and your spouse says to you, "I don't want you to see the OW anymore.". Is your first thought, "gee, she's so controlling"??? No, of course not. You're thinking that the person you made vows to wants you to stop cheating. Correct examples of an overcontrolling spouse would be about telling her what to do at times when you don't have a true vested interest, meaning that her actions don't have a deleterious effect on you or the marriage. So, her claim is bullshit, and we see it here quite frequently. Don't let it rattle you.

But exposure right now could destroy the gym in which I own 50%.

I think it's a good idea to keep the gym intact. It will offset the division of assets should it come to D and maybe even allow you to get your insurance business out in one piece. Remember to think through these things as if you have two heads, one bent on R, and the other on D. That will help you keep your options open as long as possible.

Not gonna tell you how to live your life but, are you really ok with this situation?

If you’re afraid that your WW is your one true soul mate in this world, that is a fallacy. If you believe you’ll never love anyone again like you love her, that is not true. There are 3.9 billion women in the world. Do you honestly think you just stumbled upon ‘The One’ woman who can never be replaced, who’s beyond compare, who’s perfect for you, your one and only? That would be like finding a needle in a haystack of needles.

She is replaceable. You do deserve better. You CAN do better than her.

The kids. Do you think this will be a good non-toxic, wholesome nurturing environment for kids to grow up in?

You sound like you love fiercely. Find a woman who deserves that.

Don’t allow yourself to be a door mat. You deserve better. There are better options out there. A better life.

She hasn’t kissed you in over six years? You deserve to be loved wholistically. Don’t settle for this shit. First love yourself, then go out there and get the life and lovelife you want, on your terms. Let self confidence and determination steer you through this, NOT FEAR.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:38 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

But exposure right now could destroy the gym in which I own 50%

I am highly dubious about the detrimental impact of exposure on the gym.

I think the positive effect of exposure destroying the secrecy of the affair far outweighs the possible negative impact on the business.

Most patrons of a gym would likely participate in some gossip, a couple may leave, but on balance I think the impact of exposure on the gym will be minimal.

She got mad at you my friend because she made you agree to wear a dunce cap and you had the audacity to take it off . Because you are learning how to protect yourself from her deadly assault on your well being .

I know your heart is breaking but please know this - she chose another man over you , there is no undoing that . Her respect for you as a husband is already gone .

Your only choice here is to respect yourself or disrespect yourself . While some people are able to R with a remorseful spouse what you have so far is the more classic one person moved on and the other person is reduced to more and more desperate acts to curry favor with them like a child .

Please just speak to a therapist and prepare yourself for a life of dignity without her . And if she goes NC at some point you can re discuss your situation.

We are all here because at some point we were all in your shoes and we just want you to know it gets alot worse before it gets better . Please lean on your friends and family , you deserve so much better than this . Noone aces being a BS on day 1, you are doing just fine, shift your focus from “ saving your marriage “ to “learning how to be ok with or without her”and take one day at a time

[This message edited by siracha at 4:21 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

I am afraid I have to give you some honesty here!

You are too much of a pushover despite trying to use your strange methods to persuade your wife back. You need to grow a big set and be prepared to lose her. She obviously does not see you as the alpha any longer. Your a pushover and truth is she is running away from you. She sees nothing but a weak willed man who is willing to take her back. On the contrary, it is her who needs to beg you. R is a gift.

I am not a fan of reconciliation. I think its like kissing your sister! ... but if you really want her back, you need to become a confident, indifferent man... willing to start afresh. She has to know she is going to lose you.. right now you are the loser to her.

Let me give you some insight into the wretched heart of your wife... she has chosen another man and his junk over you and your son and quite possible her other 2 kids. She is not the woman you married.. if she ever truly was she wiped that notion when she chose dickhead over you!

What you need is to decisive, cold and indifferent! (I guess she cant complain since she never gave it a thought and screwed another.. I s'pose even she did it would be worse.. since she still chose to cheat.

One of the wisest/ truest things I have ever read...it is lieshurt’s signature line...

No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.

Your wife will never respect you again. This is and has been too far gone. I don't have any constructive advice to offer you given the completely spineless path you've chosen. I think you're making a horrific set of mistakes for both yourself and your son. I'm bowing out of this thread.

Just a beginning sentence of another thread opened today.

So wow coming up a year to when all this shit started and guess what not much has changed. I have done one hell of a pick me dance for a year now and yep you guessed it all I have gotten out of it is more hurt and loss.

Well I just tried to walk back my list and she got predictably upset with me.

"It's been 2 days! I haven't gone over there or done anything. We came to an agreement I could live with and then you come in 2 days later and say, sorry I need to control you now."

And then she walked away from me.

Look, you agreed to a closed marriage and she blew that open one sided without asking.

Complete autonomy is available to her whenever she wants it if she is divorced from you.

You aren't controlling her. You are holding her to HER original agreement that SHE walked back.

Tell her she is free to do whatever she wants. If she wants to call OM, she is free to do that. If she wants to go spend time with OM, she is free to do that. She is free to do whatever she wants, you cannot and will not control her actions. But you do control YOU and you will not share her with another man, there will be consequences for her actions. Then lay out your revamped boundaries. Like I said in my OP, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you seem able to stand up for yourself.

GET YOURSELF OUT OF INFIDELITY!!! At this point both R & D stand across the finish line, as you get closer to the finish line it will become clear which path you take. If this chases your WW off, then you’ve already lost her. BUT R or D IS YOUR CHOICE, WW has already made her choice, that was to leave the marriage for POSOM and sister wife.

By setting a clear path for yourself and making decisions to move down that path, you will be more decisive and take back control of yourself and your marriage. Did you find the thread on the 180? Implement it and start detaching yourself from this horrible version of your W.

Some other sentences from same thread:

We decided we will try again she quits job after some debate, and I think just because she can’t face him and it’s all good there is I love you’s and she is initiating affection and reassurance and intimacy, then it stops she turns colder again and my gut is screaming they are in contact but I ignore because I want to trust. Things deteriorate until she is pushing me to a point we argue and she uses that as an excuse to end it and she runs back to him (although staying at home!). I ask her were you in contact and she said no and she is really angry I asked her that.

Does this remind you of a dialog and a reaction you experienced today?

Btw, yes, she later had accepted that she was texting and f.king her AP.

Actually this is IWMWB's thread, his posts have full of lessons for you. I recommend you to read his story from the beginning as a third eye. Obviously he didn't send it to convince you.

I had a dog that would get out and run. I would chase that dog around until I was worn out. We would corner her and bring her home. I was so afraid of her getting lost or injured.

I asked a dog trainer one day and he said “never chase the dog!” If anything turn and run from the dog she will chase after you.

One day she got out the door and ran, I did not respond at all. I calmly walked out in the front yard not looking or speaking to her. I suddenly turned around and ran into the house, she chased after me and came in.

After that, I never responded when she ran out, she would sniff around the yard, but never ran off again. I was not afraid of losing her. I was willing for the dog to run away and not come back, I was done chasing. She was free to go. She became one of the best most loyal dogs I ever had.

I’m not comparing your situation to training a dog but it’s meant as an illustration that when I was done, I was DONE!!!! The rest was up to her.