SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm assuming, since you didn't mention it in your post this morning, that your wife did have movie night last night with this couple.

So she went anyway KNOWING it would hurt you!!

Also, you do NOT have to divorce (or reconcile) with her right now. WAY too early to determine this.

What you can do (as others have pointed out to you) is you can take action in order to get her out of infidelity.

Affairs THRIVE in the dark. You are protecting her right now (enabling her) and thus she hasn't had to deal with ANY consequences.

Who gives a damn if you live in a tight knit community??

You don't have to broadcast it to the community, but you sure can tell her parents, her sibs, along with your family.

You know why you won't? Because you are hell bent on getting back together and you don't want anyone to look down on your precious wife now or in the future. So again you're protecting her and enabling her.

What you have failed to realize (and we totally get this thinking so early in this nightmare) is your marriage (as you know it) is DEAD!!!!

IT'S GONE!!!

She's already gone and if you don't get out of this frozen like a deer in the headlights mindset she will be gone forever.

You're so concerned about taking action or setting firm boundaries because you don't want to piss her off. That she'll leave. My friend she's already left.

You want to try to save your marriage?

Tell her family and your family what's going on. That you need their help. Do her parents and your parents care about their grandkids world being blown up because their daughter/DIL is having an affair with a married man???

OF COURSE THEY DO!!!

Hopefully they can help you snap her out of this and if they can't well at least you tried, and she can't try to change the narrative (that you two had drifted apart or that you were a bad husband etc etc).

I know you want to reconcile but in order for that to happen she has to first show you that this affair has ended and will STAY ended. A ton of work after that, but you can't jump ahead, if she's UNWILLING to end this, as much as it hurts to hear this, you have NOTHING TO WORK WITH and there's NO possible way that you can move forward with her because she's not a safe partner.

One other thing. I know you're hurting, and in a daze, but hopefully soon you'll start tapping into anger!!

This wife of yours has lied to you, cheated on you, broken her vows to you, blown up her kids world all because she's a lying selfish cheater.

I haven't detected any anger in your posts at all. Not saying you aren't but you sure haven't expressed it here on SI.

Anger can drive you.

Your wife sees you enabling her actions.

Go tell the OBS for crying out loud.

Go tell her parents.

Go tell your parents.

Or sit by passively with her telling her to please use protection when having sex with this guy.

[This message edited by Booyah at 10:59 AM, March 6th (Saturday)]

It’s not clear the other wife knows ALL of the facts as you have not verified anything with her. She may believe it’s just an emotional affair or accepts it’s a “friendship”.

Unless you hear it from the other wife please do not accept anything your wife tells you.

The audacity of her dating another guy while being married to you.

I was you. Six Months I tried to be loving kind & supportive. I wasn’t here on SI so I didn’t benefit from their experience and wisdom. Biggest regret. His affair went two rounds and way underground.

Until the day I told him I was D him (and I was). It was not a joke or bluff. I’ll spare you the details but all in a day is “guess who wears the pants now”. He doesn’t like it — he knows where the door is.

Listen we know you're probably still in shock, but you should take action and take control of the situation, right now she holds all the cards because she knows you're just waiting for her to "choose", instead you should "choose" for yourself that you won't allow this to continue for another minute.

Listen your WW is in an ACTIVE A, so the first and most important step for you to even have a possibility to R is to use ALL your weapons to STOP the A, believe it or not you're at war and right now your WW is the enemy and you need to protect yourself and your child. The passive approach you're taking is a recipe for disaster, you're in the best forum to handle infidelity and so far everyone is pretty much telling you the same thing, we've "seen" this play out THOUSANDS of times and have the "scars" to prove it.

Sit her down, look her straight in the eyes and tell her, "honey you have 30 seconds to call POSOM (on speaker so that you can listen to both ends of the convo) and tell him in no uncertain terms IT's OVER, to not contact you (her) EVER again !! (no sweet goddbyes), that he will receive a refund for his gym membership and that he's no longer welcome there, that further contact will result in serious legal action and also a very serious harassment and ethics complaint with the state medical board then hang up the phone, that should be your/her first step.

If she refuses to end it right there and then, tell her all bets are off and that you will file for D (you can always stop it if she comes around before it's final), stop talking and tell her you will only discuss matters concerning the children and D process (preferably by text).

Just want to add to all the comments saying this isn't new. I also doubt the OBS really knows what's going on with your WW and her husband.

Sometimes it helps to read other people threads to see things from another point of view. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=651434

Everyone thought the OBS would be fine with having the WW as the sister wife.

You seem very defensive about everyone telling you that you are being too weak in your demands. We are a little shocked about you telling your WW that she can continue her relationship with OM but that she needs to tell you if they have sex. I'm not sure where you got that advice.

It’s at least a small positive step that she stayed with you last night and did not attend the movie night date. Others seem to have missed that fact. Just wanted to clarify.

[This message edited by fareast at 12:00 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

I'm struggling with the dichotomy of advice I've received here and elsewhere. I've talked to several people who went through the harboring Hope program and reconciled. I was using their advice to proceed. The advice here is polar opposite.

While I've left her a semi open door to stray, she hasn't yet. She's not sharing her thoughts and feelings much yet, other than to tell me when I'm being too pushy, but the actions she's taking so far are adhering to the most stringent interpretation of the outlined boundaries.

Do I think it will come to a head soon? Yes. I expect her to test my resolve. I want to respond strongly when that occurs.

As for the house, I can't back out of that now. It's a new build that we bought for $503k and I would lose $40k. It is, however, already worth over $600k so worst case we sell it after closing. I've already outlined that for her as something I am willing to do. Even if I have to split it with her, that's fine.

I don't see her as holding the cards. I feel like I have the cards. But exposure right now could destroy the gym in which I own 50%. I resent the gym, and have told her that, so she thinks that I'm willing to destroy it. And I guess I am but would rather not have to.

There's a lot of moving parts. And I know there always are. I know you guys are tired of seeing people be hurt and destroyed. And I'm tired of being hurt too.

I won't let this go indefinitely. I won't even let this go long. I'll walk things back. But I have to figure out when and how... And no when is not immediately. It isn't today, most likely. But it could be before another work week starts where I'm left wondering what's going on all day.

Inkarnit, your measured approach is different and we will see how well it works with your WW. You know your wife, we don't. But I simply can't understand how you can still claim she is the most caring and empathetic person you know. Well, she certainly isn't acting that way toward you. She can't be that dense. But, one thing you must do is destroy the AP. You owe your community the information concerning what this SOB is doing. You can't physically kick his ass but you can destroy his reputation and, hopefully, his business. You must do that now. Did you say somewhere that you cheated on your wife or did I read something incorrectly? If you did cheat, is this a reason for your measured approach? Finally, after the dust has settled, you will have to wrestle with the idea of taking your wife back as a partner. I was dead to my ex-wife after her first affair. Should have divorced her immediately. Please don't make the same mistake. Good luck to you. I hope your approach is successful, but do you really want her back at this point? Maybe it is too early to address this question but you will have a lot of shit to swallow if you do take her back.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:48 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

Src, no I didn't cheat on her before.

And she WAS the most caring and empathetic person. She's not who she was. And I'm hoping to get her to come back.

I think I can one day forgive her if the A is ended and the AP is destroyed. But the first step is ending the A and NC being established. We're not there yet. But we're less than a week from D-Day. My measured response is... Unusual. For me too. It certainly was never how I expected to react. And wasn't how I responded initially.

I don't know what the future brings. But I am going to speak with her in a few minutes about the upcoming pot luck that I'll be attending after all and will be making it very clear that while I have not yet given an ultimatum, I still have the expectation that she will cease contact sooner rather than later and that every day it continues drives our M farther from possible R.

Breaks my heart reading that list of boundaries. Unfortunately, what I think you're very likely to discover sometime over the next few months is that she isn't going to just break your boundaries in front of your face, she's going to break them behind your back. Especially considering some of those boundaries are essentially unenforceable.

While I've left her a semi open door to stray, she hasn't yet.

OP, beware, there is the wiggle room I have mentioned in my post and I bolded the yet for a reason.

If you do not consent with her being intimate with POSOM again, you must remove that tacit permission in an unambiguous way and put consequences with teeth on the table should she hurt and disrespect you again in this foul way.

Beware of reconciliation programs, the reconciliation industry is out to make money. They will teach you how to successfully rugsweep and although you will be together, it will leave you, the BS a shell of what you could be and essentially castrated in your role in the marriage.

Please, you need to find your anger. I don't mean scream and shout, but you have been abused by your wife worse than if a man hit his wife, you need to realize this and become rightfully angry about it.

That anger will come eventually but the longer you suppress it, the longer it will drain you of energy you can use to fix this.

Anger is a primary emotion, it's not going away until expressed. You can either waste the energy to suppress it or use the energy by channeling it constructively.

Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that you will not stand for this a minute longer.

She has to choose you or GTFO. Those are her choices.

The affair is no longer hidden and the life of your family is on the clock, these are the golden minutes/hours/days where your actions will determine your future and any tolerance of her disrespect towards you or acceptance of further abuse (continuing the affair) will kill your family because your wife will see it as weakness and loose that respect I mentioned in an earlier post. Your wife is watching your actions now and forming her opinions on you as we speak. She knows she deserves your ire and she will base the level of her respect for you on how well you can stand up for yourself in the aftermath of the catastrophe of her making. Weakness on your part now is the death of your family.

I stand by what I said, NC, Exposure and divorce.

Set that divorce in motion. She needs to convince you and I mean really convince you that it is worth your while to halt the process. She needs to make you believe and feel that she is a loving and safe partner before you withdraw the motion to divorce.

I don't know how long divorces take where you live, but the process is usually long enough to put a reasonable clock on your decision whether you really want her back or not and even after a divorce, if she really wants to and can woo you back, re-marriage is not unheard of.

You really have nothing to loose by being firm, your wife has killed the marriage already and the family unit is rapidly bleeding out.

Get yourself out of infidelity ASAP, then worry if R is even possible.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:24 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

OP

All I can say is you do you but keep in mind the risk you are taking with the list of 'boundaries' which I stopped reading when you basically giving her permission to sleep with the AP as long as she uses protection. It may not be your intention but it sure as heck sounds like a permission to me. As the previous poster mentioned, how do you even enforcing that besides her words?

It is truly heart breaking reading your post. I understand you are hurt and shock and wishing you the best.

Well I just tried to walk back my list and she got predictably upset with me.

"It's been 2 days! I haven't gone over there or done anything. We came to an agreement I could live with and then you come in 2 days later and say, sorry I need to control you now."

And then she walked away from me.

You're being manipulated big time and openly disrespected (she walked away from you mid-conversation, for crying out loud!).

You are not being at all pushy. You’re asking her to not be an asshole and continue to hurt you, and she’s taking offense to that. Not a good sign and she’s not the least bit remorseful.

I’m so sorry she’s putting you through this.

I have read in a post by a WW on another board where the husband discovered her affair. He made his mind up to have her out of his life and took all the steps to end the marriage. The WW wrote that seeing this strength and determination in her husband actually made her "hot" for him even though his actions were going to essentially blow her life apart.

Various other posts by WWs stated how the weak responses by their BSs make their APs seem strong and attractive in comparison.

Strength and decisive action is attractive, the polar opposite is also true.

Right now she has a weight on her shoulder. I don't want to remove it. I want her to remove it herself. I want her to make the right choice.

Respectfully, your perspective on this is backwards.

The choice in this situation is not for her to make.

This is not a matter of “I hope she picks me!”

This is strictly a matter of if you want to live with her selfish-as-fuck, destructive behavior or not.

You make YOUR choice and then you can base further actions on her response to your decision.

All you are doing now is walking the fine line of hoping she doesn’t continue betraying you and your children and not getting her upset.

You are far too concerned about her feelings and whether she is upset with you.

Honestly, fuck her feelings.

How about being concerned with YOUR feelings and your children’s feelings because, right now, she does not give a shit about anyone’s feelings but hers and keeping her adultery guy pleased.

The point is that YOU cannot change her behavior no matter what “terms” or “boundaries” you think she will agree to.

Only she can change her behavior and only if she wants to.

The only thing YOU can change right now is if you want to stay within her selfish and childish bullshit fantasy land or if you want to take very firm steps in extracting you and your children from it all.

I know it’s painful and scary right now - we have all been through it.

But, the BEST and MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do right now is think only of WHAT YOU WANT and NOT what you HOPE SHE DOES.

If you leave this up to her then you can be guaranteed to be dealing with this shit for a very, very long time.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 2:00 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

Time to tell her, my way or the highway. Expose NOW!

Even before saying another word to her.

Start with the POSOMs wife.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:41 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

other than to tell me when I'm being too pushy

In no way would would a truly remorseful WW tell her BH that he is being too pushy in asking for anything after DDay. That is a Wayward that is trying to have keep the best of both worlds going as long as she can who realizes her H is enabling it to happen.

Thanks for your response. I see you are now being more thoughtful about what your approach really means. You may win the battle but lose the war and end up with a wife who chose you for all the wrong reasons and spends her days thinking and pining for the “one who got away”

I’d not want a partner who thinks she gave up her true love to be with me. I’d want one who wants to be with me and only me at all costs. Because she loves me and no one else.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:45 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

I love the way a WS can expect you tolerate situations that they would never tolerate.

Tell her to picture herself in the same situation. Tell her to really get into it and feel the part. You spell out all of the things she is doing, but tell it to her as if you were the one doing it to her...Then simply ask, “Divorce?”

[This message edited by Badtimebadplace at 1:50 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

I’m not asking you to tell her she can’t be with him and them. I’m asking you to tell her she needs to go be with them because you can’t be in an open relationship.

Tell her you are not interested in her while her heart is somewhere else. She needs to absolutely prove it is not. That takes time and absolute commitment.

Repost:

So surprisingly my recommendation is you tell her honestly that while she cares and loves and desires others more than she does you, that she need to go and explore that life completely with them.

Because you deserve someone that is ALL IN with you. With absolutely no doubt in her mind. That your vows meant that she was your one and only and you deserved and expect the same in return. That YOU DONT WANT HER AS A PARTNER if she is going to have such feelings for anyone else in the world.

And that if someday, thru intense IC (not MC) she can figure out why she thought it right to sabotage your relationship like this, and can fix what is wrong with her to make such an awful choice, that she is more than welcome to contact you and discuss possibilities going forward.

But here is the other important side of this approach. You need to make it clear that you won’t be putting your life on hold, waiting for her to make that happen. That you will be working to legally end the marriage that her infidelity has already destroyed. That it breaks your heart to do so, but there is no other possible path for you to follow and still be able to look yourself in the mirror.

Then simply wish her well, vow to be a good coparent and stop discussing this.

If she promises to change, say “great let me know when you have”. If she promises to end things with the other couple say, “great, let me know when you have made it such that neither of us will safely never ever possibly see them again and when they are eradicated from your heart and only seen by you as the force that helped you destroy our marriage”

There doesn’t need to be yelling. This can all be said calmly and should be. You can even tell her you care about her and what happens to her but that doesn’t mean you can be in an open relationship with her.

InKarnit, if I were in your shoes this is exactly what I would do and say. And then I’d ask a lawyer to start drawing up papers to be served.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:51 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]