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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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BigBlueEyes posted 11/5/2020 06:48 AM

Hey Girls,

Just thought I would stop in to say hi to some old/new friends, sorry its been awhile since I stopped in, Covid, family, my job, volunteering in my area has kept me pretty busy over the past months.

I have found a little time to stop in on the odd occasion but then I would find myself busy again

Anyway, just to say I am well, I'm thriving, I'm the healthiest I've ever been, should I say it....I'm HAPPY lol tempting fate now huh!!!

We are again in lockdown for the next 4 weeks so hopefully I will be able to catch up more...lots to catch up on

Be safe ladies xx


EllieKMAS posted 11/5/2020 08:22 AM

BBE!! So weird - I was JUST thinking of you the other day - so glad you are doing well!!

TX1995 posted 11/5/2020 17:41 PM

Hi BBE! Lovely to see your name pop up. I am so glad you are well. THRIVING is an awesome adjective. :) Stay safe and healthy and looking forward to seeing more of you. Lockdown does have its perks I suppose!

ETA: Iím blaming trauma brain. I know that thriving is a verb not an adjective. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Really trying to say I love that you describes yourself that way. Geez. I was once a lot smarter. And better at writing. 🤪

[This message edited by TX1995 at 11:29 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]

BlackRaven posted 11/5/2020 19:29 PM

I'm noticing a common thread in some of our stories and am curious: How many of us women who were married to serial cheaters or sex addicts married them within, say, a year?

20yrsagoBS posted 11/5/2020 21:38 PM

WHís first attempt at having an affair was asking his Air Force supervisor to hook up.


At the time, she declined, he told me she agreed, but they couldnít get alone time to do it

I think we were married about 2 years at that point

20yrsagoBS posted 11/5/2020 21:39 PM

Have you noticed the WS on SI that participate are not serial cheaters?

TX1995 posted 11/5/2020 23:35 PM

Mine wasnít either.

But I do think that the reason most (if not all?)the WSes who spend a lot of time here are not serial cheaters/addicts is because those people donít seem to want to or be able to change their behavior. So why come to a place where youíd be held accountable or have to face your shame?

[This message edited by TX1995 at 11:36 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]

Throwaway999 posted 11/6/2020 06:49 AM

Turns out my WH was a serial cheater...I found out he was carrying on 2 simultaneous LTAís at the same time. And actively sought a third out after the first two ended. Thatís all I will ever know about...he lied to his grave.

We met in our mid-20ís...married after about a 1 1/2 years. He was divorced and his second AP was his first wife. Looking back...he love bombed me and I thought I had hit the jackpot for a husband....how wrong I was. I found out after one of my ddays...his lies started when we were dating. Great foundation for a marriage.


I think serial cheaters donít come here....because they are selfish to the max. And many have no remorse...itís too hard to change behaviours and who they are after years of entitlement and selfishness. They donít want to face who they are...they are cowards. And fear coming to SI as they may be condemned as beyond redemption. It takes a strong person to face who they truly are...and to serial cheat...you cannot be a strong person.

skeetermooch posted 11/6/2020 09:24 AM

Black Raven,

We married in an embarrassingly short time after meeting - three months - I know idiotic. He pushed so hard to get married and he seemed so perfect, like I'd known him forever, wasn't possessive or controlling - just fit into my life seamlessly. Ha.

20Years- yes, wish there were more WSs, who were serial cheaters, like mine, on here. I'd love the insight into their twisted brains. Seeing one-off cheaters so remorseful and intent on fixing themselves - when my lunatic, out of control SA never did any of that is a reality check.

Superesse posted 11/6/2020 10:35 AM

Black Raven, in my case it was just the opposite: we dated way too long for it to have been healthy: after 4 years, his inability to show a lot of passion, planning, or any future talk, should have been a huge clue! But I missed it because I actually felt "safe" in his dedicated calling and every weekend friendship. I suffered no relationship drama during those years, after many painful years of getting my heart broken too easily before he came along.

So maybe I had intimacy avoidance, too?

LadyG posted 11/6/2020 15:44 PM

What were your WHís OW after?
a Fantasy!

Hey Womenz,

I have actually been busy. Focusing on myself and some on work.

I had a second catch up with my new/old friend last week but we talk on the phone almost every night.

He let slip that a female cow in her 60ís is in A recovery and has confided in him as she looks very unhappy 12 months out from Dday.

I briefly touched on my WH and life experience with a cheater.

I am scared to talk about my abusive WH. Just looking at me, my friend would have no idea what I have been through. I donít want to scare him off but I donít want to waste his time either. I have explained to him that some deeper conversations are best had in person and at the right time. I donít ask about his former wife and marriage. We chat about ourselves and our children mostly.

I am scared that I found a good decent one this time. I am stuck trying to move forward but still have a mess of a life to clean up. We will have casual catch ups and form a friendship.

Like you said, 20, dipping in the toe, slowly... 🙏🏼

BlackRaven posted 11/6/2020 16:26 PM

wish there were more WSs, who were serial cheaters, like mine, on here. I'd love the insight into their twisted brains. Seeing one-off cheaters so remorseful and intent on fixing themselves

skeetermooch,

The difference is that a one-off affair is the result of entitlement or boredom or a poor choice, while sex addicts have a disease that is beyond their control, just like alcoholism or drug addiction. Google Dr. Kevin T McCauley on youtube to watch one of his seminar's for free, or you can watch his movie "Pleasure Unwoven."

I'm not suggesting that their thinking isn't maladaptive, it certainly is, but not many people are going to open up about a compulsion that they are deeply ashamed of, at least not outside of a 12-step meeting.

We married in an embarrassingly short time after meeting

I wonder if the rush to marry (we married after a year) is because of their underlying thinking 'if you really knew me you'd reject me' and so they move quickly before we can really know them.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 4:31 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

skeetermooch posted 11/6/2020 17:24 PM

I'll check out Dr. McCauley. My STBX says he's not an addict - he prefers to say he has issues with sexual compulsivity - I'm not sure what the distinction is or if it's simply using more people-centered language. He's certainly behaved as I would understand an addict to behave in terms of utterly destroying a chunk of his life for his drug.

In DV circles they say the first sign of an abuser is a rush to commitment. If you believe cheating is a form of abuse that would follow. I'm sure it's to get us locked down before they are inevitably caught at something, or it's to do with their intense insecurity - they need permanence to feel safe and so can't weather those early days of a relationship when things are casual and amorphous.

leafields posted 11/6/2020 18:09 PM

Married after short acquaintance -
Yes, that's me. We met at the end of February, started dating in early March, engaged on Memorial Day at the end of May & married in November. He's NPD & was able to keep his mask on for several years before I saw the slip.

I've been watching YouTube on mirroring, and it's been interesting.

Serial Cheating -
No, but he did A LOT of porn. One time when we were in therapy a long time ago, the psychologist said that porn is selfish - it's done for self-gratification & there's no relationship to maintain. I could tell when he'd be watching more, because he'd treat me like crap. I'd call him on it, he'd be better for a little bit, but then revert. Wash, rinse, repeat. He did sign up on dating sites, but I don't think he met up with anybody. He did eventually begin to be involved with incest porn, which contributed to his A.

t/j: When we were in counseling way back then (somewhere around 2000), after he quit going he said that he only went because he wanted to do MC & all the problems in our M were my fault.

What was he looking for in the A?
Well, he got so many ego kibbles from his sister, and it fed into his sexual fantasies.

Now I know why God didn't give me any daughters.

He also has terrible personal boundaries with women, as well as not having respect for us.

Anyways, we're about at the end of the relationship. We've got an offer on the house & it's supposed to close within 2 weeks of October 31, so it should be soon. After that, I can check a few remaining boxes on the divorce paperwork & go file.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:13 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

BlackRaven posted 11/6/2020 19:43 PM

Skeeter

My STBX says he's not an addict - he prefers to say he has issues with sexual compulsivity -

LOL. Technically he's right. There's no such diagnosis as sexual addiction. There was briefly many years ago, but then they got rid of it. MY SAWH was diagnosed with, and I quote from the paperwork: "obsessive compulsive (sexual compulsive behavior)"

it's to do with their intense insecurity - they need permanence to feel safe and so can't weather those early days of a relationship when things are casual and amorphous.

There's the not very funny irony. They are so insecure they need a relationship to feel safe and then they blow it through their acting out, and destroy us in the process.

Leafields

Serial Cheating - No, but he did A LOT of porn

Did he ever take a lie detector test? From what I understand it's pretty unlikely that is all he was up to, especially given the lines he crossed with his A and sexual assault.

Congrats on the offer on the house. I hope the path forward is a smooth one.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 11/7/2020 02:26 AM

I wonder if the rush to marry (we married after a year) is because of their underlying thinking 'if you really knew me you'd reject me' and so they move quickly before we can really know them.

This feels true right now, we where married about 1 1/2 years after we met.

LadyG posted 11/7/2020 16:19 PM

We were married 2 years after meeting. I was 19, he 24.

I broke it off so many times but he kept calling and coming back. Even a month out from the wedding I wanted out. I was terrified of what I had got myself into. He was living in my grandparents guest room and he was more concerned about losing his free room than being a decent person.

Thatís just what happened. My family embraced him as my boyfriend and welcomed him into the family. He was charming to everyone else. I was trapped and he took full advantage.

He became a serial cheater after we married because he could.

skeetermooch posted 11/8/2020 11:11 AM

He was living in my grandparents guest room and he was more concerned about losing his free room than being a decent person.

I can really relate to this. When I met my husband I had only one thing "missing" in my life - romantic intimacy. The STBX could see this and delivered. Conversely, he had a lot of things missing - financial stability, assets, a family, a home, community standing - he gained all of that with me. It was never about being a whole person who was looking to put the icing on the cake with a relationship - it was a messed up person who needed a lot of infrastructure - he didn't give a hoot about the relationship piece. He still doesn't. In trying to win me back he talks more about being kicked out of the house and having to live in a crappy apartment than he does about our actual marriage.

gmc94 posted 11/8/2020 16:24 PM

I also wish there were more serial, SA, and LTA cheaters on SI. It takes a special kind of broken to carry that shit on for years/decades. But, like my WH, I think they are too mired in shame to be vulnerable to anyone - even strangers on the Internet.

2 yrs ago- in Nov '18, my WH agreed to either participate in a weekly men's group (including SA or something else he found on his own) OR become an active SI participant / posting at least once a week. He's not done either: I think he attended ONE SA meeting in the last ~6 months or so. Last time he looged on to SI was in June - last post ~18 months ago. He can't face himself and certainly can't tolerate facing anyone else no matter how "safe" the environment. I can't imagine how awful that must be for him.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:26 PM, November 8th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Superesse posted 11/8/2020 16:32 PM

Wow, skeeter describes exactly how things were with us, when I met my STBXWH: I "had it all" (career, new vehicle paid for, good credit, a house I bought on my own) except I lacked any connection with a BF (not only no hot romance, not even somebody to go dancing or to dinner with, after work!) Single guys my age (mid-40's then) were either scarce in my country area or were "damaged goods," as my late father always said was my "problem" - and I found he wasn't wrong....

This man had a glamorous-sounding job that kept him traveling around the country 50 weeks a year, crewing cars for the sportscar race circuits. Since he wasn't home much, he rented a dumpy little apartment, made less income than I did, had no savings, a cheap older European car he liked, not even any dressy clothes. He wasn't "established" in that sense skeeter was talking about; he was a "late bloomer" or you could say he was the Rolling Stone. (Other than his FOO in another country, who promised him a nice inheritance one fine day.)

When we married, he moved into my house, continued going to church with me (building a social life outside his all-consuming job) and things went from there. I think I most enjoyed the way he impressed all those older folks and friends who never could figure out why I was unattached....I got so sick of their pity and not being invited to their social events....

But yes, I do believe a lot of men don't want to lose the economic or social attributes being married gives them, a lot more than they worry about the intimate aspects of a marriage! Maybe many men are this way? Marrying the girl with the career and house.... Some of my XBFs seemed to find rich older women to mooch off of....I couldn't compete with that crap, either.

[This message edited by Superesse at 4:46 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

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