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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 9:13 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Hey Womenz,

We had a small ease up to Covid restrictions on Monday.

My amazing friend and hairdresser of 30 years was the first person I rushed to visit. My head feels a lot lighter afterwards. I Was starting to look like a cave woman.

So Wednesday I took advantage of my new found freedom and met up with an old school friend at a beach dog park.

I showed up with dog and a bottle of water... he showed up with roses. Yellow which was lovely. We are still masked up but I kinda gave him a hug and pat on the back. It was kinda nice. Innocent.

We chatted while I fussed over a blind dog.

He’s very attracted and very complimentary about my looks and is keen.

He let slip that his last relationship ended last November, has been on OLD since March but likes being in a couple.

I told him a while ago my Divorce is still being negotiated but that hasn’t phased him.

He wants to catch up again next week for water and walk in the park, Covid Restrictions permitting.

He is so so different from XH except for the roses. I feel a bit queasy just thinking about a second catch up.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8601150
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 12:33 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

LadyG,

You know how you dip your toes into the water before diving in?

Maybe a little more toe dipping would help you get more comfortable with the idea of dating someone new?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8601979
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 5:31 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

You gotta sign up for the xmas cards - mine are going to be fucking EPIC this year

Thanks for the positive stuff gals - I know it is so challenging this year, but it is an exercise I have been trying to regularly practice. I really think it helps me to refocus my energy in a more productive way when I consciously think of good stuff.

Sending all you beautiful womenz some good juju today!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8602210
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 4:56 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Hi womenz

Haven't been on here in a while. Had a wonderful trip away, and then work has been crazy busy. Been cycling a lot, hanging out with friends, started cross-stitching. Life has been generally good.

But a big project on which I've been working has (successfully) implemented, so now I'm in the post-adrenaline slump / blues after that as my work doesn't seem quite as scintillating at the moment. Plus, with the weather change, I'm generally feeling a bit blue and lonely. I'm not looking forward to the winter at all.

I've been hesitant to put this on here but I have decided to meet with my xWBF. I made the decision before this recent onset of the blues. I will be meeting him on Sunday afternoon. It's clear he's looking to reconnect. I am incredibly curious to see what on earth he could say to me that he feels would convince me to open the door again. I've been looking at photos of the two of us and I don't really feel anything. My hope for the meeting is that I get answers to some outstanding questions I have and that I don't feel the same about him when I see him. I also know myself - I would rather regret meeting him than regret not meeting him. So we will see what Sunday brings.

I did see his son this weekend. He just turned 18 and that's a big deal in my home country. We grabbed a coffee, hung out for about an hour. He's turning into a very lovely young man.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8602572
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 5:19 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

OOL I get it... I really do. But please be VERY careful. It would be waaaaayyyyyy too easy to fall right back into things with him cus he says some pretty words. I speak from bitter experience there. Just please remember that talk is fuckin cheap and any old asshole can say words.

Try to be objective. Objectively, how has he changed? What has he actually done that shows any growth whatsoever? All I do know, from what you've shared here, is that he did NOT respect your asking for NC and has repeatedly and in a very manipulative way broken it, using his kids and anything else to weasel around it.

I am worried for you. You have come so far and I fear that this will just reset all the healing you have done these last few months.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8602586
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 5:57 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Hey Ellie

I appreciate your concern, I really do, and I have those same thoughts myself. In fact, in talking with my therapist, one of my concerns has been that it will set me back.

However, while it may result in a set back, I honestly do not think it would take me back to the beginning. And I know me well enough to know that I'd rather deal with a setback about something I've done, than constantly wonder about what I didn't do, and if I should have done it. I'm a chronic overthinker, and I want to see him in person as, well, I want to see where he's at. I am much stronger now than I was, I have better coping mechanisms, I've done a lot of work on me. I really have I've been enjoying my alone time, and while I've been lonely, I've appreciated that I can sit here for 6 hours cross stitching, without worrying about kids, spending time with him etc. I'm not going to take any bullshit. I'm really not.

At this point I have no intention of opening the door to him outside of this meeting. I know it might not seem it, but I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think I was strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. Even my mum, who knows me very well, and who hates him for what he's done, even though she's concerned as well, she says she knows I need to do this for me.

I've been very calm about it. I'm not anxious about it. I'm not excited about it. It just is.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8602612
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 9:31 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Outoflove2020 The last time I met with STBXH he made a last attempt at trying to sway me to reconsider the D.

All I heard from him was, I want, I need, I am... Just I, I, I....

He reinforced for me that nothing has changed and he is still the most narcissistic selfish person I have ever known.

Seeing him, I felt nothing. He wanted a hug but I stepped back and walked away.

Last week he messaged me that he is depressed. I didn’t reply.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8602700
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 4:50 AM on Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

Tonight the WH and I argued into the night about his cheating and lying.

He’s running to try to save something that was never there

He never wanted to discuss anything that made him uncomfortable

After DDays refused to come clean

Lashed out at ME for my response to his lies

Now he plays the “I don’t remember “ card

And he’s sad I detached

So I said

“About that detachment? Good Night “

And then hung up

Womenz? Don’t be like me. Don’t engage

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8602794
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 5:33 AM on Saturday, October 31st, 2020

Happy FirYaY Womenz!

Let’s kick this Halloween in the Dick!

24 years ago tonight, WH was curled up in the back seat of a car with AP, after enjoying a blow job from her. The next day was DDay, followed by tons of TT, a bunny boiler AP, and the reveal of more affairs! It was also our infant son’s first Halloween.

WH is still in Colorado Springs, whining how he is more than the Cheater and Liar.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8604040
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 1:54 PM on Saturday, October 31st, 2020

Nothing frustrated me more than the “I don’t remember card”. When I pushed back...his blamshifting would kick into high gear. I was such a horrible person, he was forced to cheat, he had no other alternative.

How can you not remember cheating on your wife. What complete bullshit. I remember every detail of every huge moment my life. And cheating on your spouse would definitely fall into that category.

I hated when my WH would pull that crap. It’s a cop out. And now after he is dead...I have found so many more “omissions and lies”. My WH was a serial cheater also, I just didn’t know when he was alive.

I am angry for you.

Detach. Survive. Heal yourself and don’t take any bullshit.

My update....survived my one year anniversary of the big Dday. Not letting him take anything more from me...I took back the day as mine.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8604091
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, November 2nd, 2020

I was remembering the time shortly before WH and I started dating. The man propositioned me, at work. He was married to a coworker!

I can still recall my horror and disgust at it

Why would anyone find it flattering to be flirted with by a married person?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8604621
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, November 2nd, 2020

Simply because they are morally corrupt. And often they look at as a notch in their belt. I don’t know how they look themselves in the mirror each day and think they are a good person.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8604725
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

Good Morning Womenz!

96 OW wanted a baby out of her car sex Awith my husband.

95 OW? Not sure

What were your WH’s OW after?

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:04 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8604927
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BentandBroken ( Member #72519) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

Hi 20Years. I'll bite.

What were your WH’s OW after?

This question haunts me. I honestly don't know. Regarding the most recent OW, all I can guess is she sees the man I thought I saw. Charming, charismatic, smart, fun, funny, handsome...blah blah blah. She probably thinks she got the prize but her own husband, OBS, appears to be all of these things. It's a head scratcher.

I remember seeing a quote here on SI; something to the effect of "their dysfunctions matched up perfectly for a time period." I believe that is what's going on. I keep waiting for them to crash and burn but they are still together. My 1 year dDay anniversary is coming up. It's still so hard.

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8604983
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 4:22 PM on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

I do not give two fucks what the whores were after. And frankly good luck to any of them getting anything from my xwh - he was fucking useless the whole time we were together and I am certain he has not (and will not ever) change. So if some 18yo slut thinks she got something worthwhile in 'catching' him, then I pity her stupidity.

20 just genuinely curious (and not asking this in a snarky tone at all), but why do you care what some owtwat was after?

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8605027
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 6:04 PM on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

I'm with Ellie. Who gives a shit about what the OW wanted?

I kinda wish I'd known on DDay 1 about the sex bc I wouldn't have let him back in the house. And his OW could have had him (she kept saying "you aren't going to leave her, are you." when her husband was at home with her two kids. ).

She totally affaired down with my WH. At the time of the A (and years before that) he was: a workaholic who traveled all of the time, bare-bones involved parent (really only on weekends when others would see him at games), cheap (no nice dinners out/nice clothes/vacations rarely to anywhere other than his family), uncommunicative about feelings, uninterested in arts/literature/culture, NOT romantic or sentimental, liar about things like smoking weed, and politically opposite of her (and me), didn't like pets (especially dogs), and anal about things (and children) staying clean.

Her BH seemed to be the opposite from everything I saw on his webpage, social media, things said from mutual friends.

She would have been in for a shock to find out he wasn't as "cool" as he put on at work. He never listened to anything she said, but she did all of the talking and is vapid so she didn't notice his glazed look. He didn't even know her maiden or middle name. Funny how generous a guy is when he's spending company money at dinners and on business trips and how he pretends to listen when you open your legs. (She even sent him a short story she wrote, which he told her was good but didn't actually read - and I 100% believe him on that, because he didn't read anything but the sports page back then.).

So I don't really care what she wanted (I actually doubt she would have left her BH bc it would have made everyone see what a piece of shit she really is when she was posting on SM about how lucky she was to have her BH AND fucking my husband on the same day).

They both lost their integrity with their affair and I just hope that karma catches up with her someday.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:04 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8605069
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 4:37 AM on Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

Ellie,

Honestly, my WH was never a prize. Bad temper, rotten in bed. Whiny, weak, pathetic. But I seriously thouyhe was a good person.

The cheating changed that opinion

So I wondered what the Hell he could possibly offer the ugly creatures he pursued?

I know Diane 96 wanted a baby. Her husband couldn’t father children

But WH didn’t have any stellar qualities that would make him a catch. Not wealthy, not handsome, not talented.

I mean, what’s the point?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8605264
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 11:06 AM on Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

My deceased WH had 2 affairs that I know of...and tried to find a third AP but she shut him down. And likely more I will never know about. He told me the first AP happened because she was the only one who was receptive to his flirting...the second AP (ex-wife) was his long lost love. Eye roll. And the third he tried with was an old girlfriend from university, but she had morals and shut him down quick.

Don’t know what they each got out of the affairs...someone to commiserate with likely. They were just willing...and likely could have been anyone. He did what he did because he wanted to.

He was a good man when we married...and changed drastically over the years. By the time the affairs happened...I really didn’t even like him as a person. I stayed because I thought I had to...for better or worse crap. I put up with the disconnect and his shitty personality. And his true colours came out worse after Dday. Had he lived...there is no way I would want to spend the rest of my life with him. My rose coloured glasses were off and I saw the true him and it was ugly.

By the time he passed, I mourned the loss for my kids but there has been no mourning for me. Only mourning the lost of years of my life that he stole. And my memories. Who he became made it easier for me to handle his passing. He was definitely not my soulmate...he didn’t even act like my friend. My friends treat me better. My friends don’t stab me in the back and enjoy doing it.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8605277
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LemonSpearmint ( New Member #75630) posted at 12:11 PM on Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

OW got really interested in my husband when she found out he had only ever been with me and had been faithful all his life (till that point).

What she really wanted was a loving, supportive, faithful man who would stay with her.

How ironic that she destroyed all that to get him, and in the end he didn't stay with her anyway.

Me: BW 40 / Him: WH 42
Dday July 15 2020
3 month EA/PA - Working on R

Keep moving forward

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8605287
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 4:23 AM on Thursday, November 5th, 2020

WH and I argued again tonight. He thinks some shows on television triggered me.

No, his lies and history of chasing a skank on a previous work trip trigger me.

Apparently I am the asshole for making him pack condoms, for doubting his integrity.

So be it

Nice to meet you all, my name is Asshole

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8605658
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