SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You came here looking for input. The vast majority are telling you the damn thing but you argue. There is a lot of very painfully gained experience here. Collectively we've seen it all. You don't seem to think what you're being told applies to you.

What we see is a light at the end of the tunnel you are standing in. The light is a train barrel assing down on you as you are frozen on the tracks. We are trying to show you how to get off the tracks. It's up to you to do so.

My WW supervised her AP. They committed adultery for 4 years. Thousands of choices made. When I blew it up 7 years after the PA was over (poly confirmed) but communication was not my WW would have been fired. She asked for time to apply for retirement and I gave it to her. I don't know why. She never gave me or our marriage any consideration. It was natural for me to do that for her. Her AP was never fired.

I suspect that you're WW's AP will be fired or severely reprimanded, at the least. Even if he isn't it will blow up his world and reputation. Your WW may come off as a victim (mentioned by others). How do you know your WW is his only screw? How do you know he didn't have more during the same period as your WW? Expose him for what he is to protect others.

Before you do that show some compassion for his BS. Do the humanitarian thing. Let her know what her life is like so she can protect herself. You have the ZOOM account to back up your story. You may need it because, since you've revealed what you know to them, he may be feeding so much shit to his BW already and gaslighting her. Protect the ZOOM evidence. Be compassionate. Do the right thing. I wish someone, anyone had told me.

I have read all of your posts and everyone's responses and there's one thing that you are still having a hard time accepting: your WS is not a good mother. And you've given your children some control over her fate that is way above their paygrade. It's not for them to determine her fate in this situation. No matter what their ages, you are the adult in the room. I can't understand why you would ask them. This decision as to what to do with the information you have should be consistent with the principle of honestly and transparency going forward. By exposing her A to her professional body and to the OBS, you're being true to that value. It seems like you are doing what you can to minimize the impact of her bad choices, but that's not really down to you. She's the one who has systematically betrayed her family (and don't think that she was just cheating on you, she was absolutely cheating on the children--that is something my children have felt for years). A psychoanalyst friend of mine once commented that "marital infidelity is a form of abandonment" and it's taken me years to understand that. Your WW has in one form or another taken the very foundations of trust away from you and your children, to say nothing of diverting time and resources from the family. Please stop enabling that.

I would read up on co-dependency because you seem to be unable to see your WWs shitty decisions for what they actually are. I've known a lot of incredibly brilliant people in my day (including two Nobel prize winners) but that doesn't mean they weren't assholes. You seem vested with preserving her reputation at the cost of your own. I'd ask yourself what that's all about.

The sooner you start to take some control of the outcome of this, the better for yourself. By living as an example of being truthful and honest, you are demonstrating something to your kids that your WS will never be able to do. You can't change ten years of deception, but you damn well can choose to be a part of the solution. You are not responsible for your wife's affair, but you are 100% responsible for doing the right thing in the aftermath. Get legal advice on both a D and on an employment tribunal, tell the truth to the OBS, go to HR. And then go dark, and focus on your healing and your children's.

You have now received five pages of advice from men and women that have all been cheated on in multiple ways. Very few for ten years which makes yours worse . Have you noticed that most of the advice, all of which you are rejecting, is basically the same from total strangers who do not know each other. So either the group is crazy or maybe you’re still in denial and shock. Either way you are now knowingly involved in a wife sharing arrangement that shows absolutely no signs of changing and you refuse to take any action that might alter that.

I don’t line to use the word “cuckold” because that implies you are a happy camper with the situation . You claim your wife had to leave if she won’t stop fucking her boyfriend. Any idea how you plan on implementing that??? Because right now why would she?? She’s openly cheating and you’re doing nothing but telling her you don’t like it. And she doesn’t care enough to stop

You are in an open marriage and changing your actions is the only way you’re going to get out of it and that means until she believes you will divorce her if necessary there is no incentive for her to stop .

Stop the bull shit about you not being vengeful . Preserving your dignity in not being vengeful . Nothing is going to change for you if you don’t knock her off the fence . My guess is she will still not stop because she’s more emotionally attached to him than you

Please tell the OBS. Your WW’s AP is most likely taking advantage of you not telling her and making financial decisions that would impact her if they divorce. Please help her.

Also, I am saddened to hear that your children have been put into the position of negotiating with their mother for her not to see her AP. The damage that has caused them will be felt for decades in their personal relationships.

Please do the right thing and tell the OBS.

I am too weak and too troubled now about being discarded and replaced like that in her soul, I still believe she was the best thing that happened in my life and I cannot imagine being with any other woman.

Well I hope she doesn't hurt you too bad, you're at her mercy aren't you? You being so weak and all.

What was your idea in posting here? We've heard you, your marriage sucks, 10 yr affair by wife, you're too weak to do anything.

You're not the only one here who's had a bad marriage, mate. Listen to these people and get busy. Come on man, get it together.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 2:46 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

It's a disaster for me personally, but it can get even worse for the children and for our co-parenting prospects if I just declare war and destroy my wife's life. We can separate and co-parent while still being civil about it. And no, I do not plan to be a "willing cuckold" or accept an open marriage etc. If she cannot stop the affair she has to move out.

My man you're WW has told you straight she will not stop banging the OM so yes in fact you are a unwilling cuckold, unwilling to do anything about it. Did you tell her she had to move out or is that what you want to tell her? Why are you waiting for her decision? Your the one who needs to tell her now that due to her continuation of the A, her contempt for your marriage & family & refusal to end it then your decision will be filing for D now.

She is not the best thing to ever happen to you, far from it & if she is then would hate to see the worst thing. Ten years my man over one third of your M she has been banging another dude thus making you the OM.

You can make all the excuses for your WW behavior but what you have is some one who has shown you her true colors, not a wife, not a friend, not someone who has your back, but someone you never really knew & who has let you know how truly invested she was in the M.

You have nothing to save here my man & the sooner you start laying down the law to your WW then the sooner things will start to improve for you. Why wait for the lockdowns before you act or wait for her decision? Only decision she makes is to end the A. The decision to R or D is yours

STD tests, expose to family, expose to HR, even if she is fired with her credentials she would land somewhere else. Expose to the POSOM's BS as she has the right to know what these two lovebirds have been up to since Obamas first term.

Sending Strength

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 8:52 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

I’m not sure why you’re here!!! I agree with Beyond Rage. There are five pages of essentially the same advice, yet you seem to think you know better than the dozens of BH & BWs that are taking the time to give you heartfelt advice. Frankly, you seem to want to come off as a highly evolved “renaissance man”, that lives above the fray. WTF, who has a zoom call with the AP and WW to negotiate how their A should proceed? Who gives the kids a vote in how you react to your WW’s A? Who’s afraid to tell the OBS? Who would let a WW come back after a 10 year A without consequences? Wake up, you are in serious denial. On top of all this, I’m betting that how you’re handling this just makes you less and less attractive to your WW. But at least you can say “I took the high road”. WOW!

I want you to go back way before 2010 (your kids are 10 & 6).

Maybe 2007-2008, think back is she mentioning AP alot? Is she going on work-related trips more than usual?

You're watching the kids while she's gone. I believe this started long before, you just didn't see. Did both of you go to Christmas parties, or did you stay home.

If you did stay home, was she good with it.

No one here, wants you to seek revenge, we know what works. Also, we know what doesn't. This will be a painful life lesson you are about to go through. We can show you the path, you're the one who has to choose to walk it.

ID

I have a Ph.D. in History. Was an associate professor in a SE US very large state university. What your wife/boss is doing is illegal in most states of the US. Don't know about applicable laws in the UK, but I suspect that it is there as well.

If you have recorded the insane conversation you had with the deranged parties involved contact HR immediately. Book a meeting without telling anyone.....this is your only trump card....this will determine how you will survive.

This is it....don't talk to anyone, don't blink, don't waiver.....this is your only opportunity to protect yourself.

You may believe you are trying to protect the other parties....but they are already plotting against you...and have been for 10+ years.

Do it, and deal with aftermath later....you will only have this one chance...it's this or severe depression for the next five years.

This is the moment of truth we all would love to have again.....please hear us all....it's over...she is gone....but she will try and convince you otherwise.

She is gone....protect yourself and your children against this domestic abuse......that's what it is....you have been abused and are trying to protect your abuser.

I urge you to either do the above or in my honest opinion contact a barrister/lawyer who specializes in employment law and retain him/her and file a hostile work environment lawsuit. If he plays that conversation along with testimony saying you are going to be fired/"laid off" in front of a jury do you honestly think you would lose? You'll win...BIG. You uni will offer a HUGE settlement immediately because they simply can't afford to have this sort of thing become public. Seriously, you can't afford NOT to.

You are going to lose your job any way. No matter what, you will be fired on a trumped up charge, or at least let go. You & your children deserve better, but at least if you file, you'll be able to afford to do what you want while providing for your children. Who gives a flying fuck what happens to your wife. She's taken another man as her lover for over 10 years (probably longer, much longer).

She chose poorly. She's sown the seeds of the whirlwind she's going to reap...

I am sorry that I gave the impression that I am rejecting all the input I got here, but that is not the case. I do appreciate a lot of this input -- though I admit I came here initially for emotional support and of course to also get some help and clarity in this chaos that has overtaken my life.

Sure I wasn't expecting all that hard hitting stuff but even that was not all ignored, it already had an impact on my views of the situation. I realize that I have been too weak in my initial approach to the situation, and more importantly that I have to let go (and let her go), that my marriage was over years ago, as others have written here.

In particular I deeply appreciate Okokok's replies who already helped me see things more clearly and forced me to ask myself some very serious questions. (Okokok I'm still pondering over your last message, which was truly excellent, I'll prepare my reply -- I'm agreeing with most of what you wrote there).

I do not believe that I am some sort of smug "highly evolved “renaissance man”", I am sorry if I came off that way. I do believe I have much more "inside information" about my over 30 years of relationship with my WW and yes, about her person as a whole -- I am still certain that she is not "all bad" and I am not ready to make the mother of my children suffer so much by destroying her professional life (which means so much to her, not just because of the AP). I know that she is no longer the same person I married, I read about the psychology of WW etc. I realize she is effectively my "enemy" now in many ways, but not in all ways -- again, we can both compartmentalize, we both want to minimize the trauma for our children now, and amicable separation + co-parenting might be effectively the best way to achieve that.

I don't think it is such a terrible thing to admit that indeed I tried to take the "high road" initially because I really thought (and wanted her to see) that my love for her can be that selfless as to allow her to be happy with the AP because she seems so in love with him. I only asked them to stop the deceit, to take their love into the open, if they think they can be so happy together in the real world, and I'll then bow out..

Of course my mistake was to not really push for including his wife in this situation, when he agreed to have that talk. It was easy for them to persuade me to have that talk without her because in those days my instinct was do contain and even reverse the damage. That was foolish, there is no way to reverse the damage, I got that now. She is too far gone.

Her reaction after Dday was somewhat typical for a WW in a LTA that has no remorse: she kept blaming me for it, not only because I was a terrible husband years ago, but also because how mismatched and "toxic" (for her) our relationship has been even in the last years. She deluded herself in believing that, I understand why. I know that part is not true (and my children know it too) but she used that to keep repeating after Dday that she can no longer love me or continue to live with me because of that etc. So obviously, no chance of reconciliation there -- she's gone. As some of you said, she already chose the AP over me. So doing the "pick me dance" now is really futile. I think she was just daring me to ask for a divorce or something, so she won't be the one to blame that she asked for it.

The children obviously have been way too hopeful about reconciliation and since we're locked all here together due to covid, we had to come to some sort of armistice for this period. Since she did not seem to listen or care about me and what I wanted, but she still cared about what they think and feel, that's why she promised them (not me) to stop seeing him at least for this lock down period. And because I caught them by monitoring her location on her phone, she agreed (reluctantly!) to leave her location on when she goes shopping for essentials or for long solitary walks or with the dog etc. (which she took plenty lately but in a couple of cases she "forgot" her phone at home or somehow disabled her location..). Even after she agreed to NC, and to be monitored like that, she kept complaining that I am controlling, that she never liked that about me, and she hates to be "spied on" like that, that she has no privacy (she was actually crying about these things one morning!). Typical WW cheater attitude, I know. Which brings me to

You have been the victim of a deep network of manipulation, and that hasn't stopped yet. Any "civilized" conversation you have (or are currently having) will still be permeated with lies, half-truths, subtle blame-shifting, and manipulation. She may not even be conscious to the fact that she's doing it, but these things will be happening.

As hinted above, I can already see she's doing that. I indeed stopped trusting what she says -- except maybe the part about supporting her kids through college, that I do believe. I've been also feeling that dread lately, that they have been playing 3D chess behind my back while I was the unidimensional "nice guy" loser stuck on the same line (dot) of inaction. So much for my taking the "high road", I see that now. And I'm planning to stop it -- though maybe not as vigorously as some of the posters here would want me to.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 6:38 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

she kept complaining that I am controlling, that she never liked that about me

Yeah some women call their husband "controlling" when the husband doesn't want his wife to have a boyfriend, or in your case another life for ten years.

I sort of wonder how many other women her AP has mentored over his illustrious career. And if Mrs.lbh50 is the only one he's running with now.

So, are you going to tell his wife?

I’m glad to see that you have accepted that your marriage is over but I’m far more concerned about the fact that he holds the strings to your financial future. He threatened you with your position, and make no mistake, he was trying to intimidate you when he claimed he feared you’d make it a hostile work environment for your wife. I really worry for you that if you don’t expose him you will be the one looking for a job, unable to contribute to your bills and the children’s education. You are a nice guy, it’s clear. He is a predator without morals who will use that against you. Good luck to you...

Starting right now, stop being her husband. Stop talking to her. Speak only about the kids and the logistics about the divorce. No more talk about what her "decision" is going to be.

It's your decision now. You've been taking it up the ass for 10 years. THAT STOPS NOW.

Tomorrow you get a free consultation from an attorney if you haven't already. Gather up all the pertinent divorce papers and you file.

Hand her her copy to fill out. Then tell all your friends and family. Then tell the OBS.

Under these circumstances, that is you living your best life. Anything less is just another version of the Pick Me dance which will eat away at your soul.

Show your kids what a strong parent looks like. You are letting your WW minimize her actions, even if you are not saying it explicitly. And she is doing all of this in hopes that you will soften the fallout for her. Do you believe she deserves this? I am not talking about vengeance. I am talking about serving up cosmic justice.

Again, stop shielding her from the consequences of her actions.

She is not special. You don't have any special insight into infidelity. This is all so painfully textbook and we hate to watch new BS's come here and painfully flail in a state of shock, denial, and fear.

Take action.

Children don’t have the knowledge to effectively deal with this. They just want the life they thought they had back. It’s gone forever. They just can’t understand or realize it yet.

You’re their father. You need to take the lead here.

At this time if you’re smart you’ll take care of yourself and children first. If you don’t take care of you, who’s going to take care of the children?

Finances matter. Seek legal guidance immediately. Your wife and her affair partner will destroy you if they can. It benefits them to do so.

Wake up to your new reality.

I hear nothing about telling OBS yet, this should be done immediately !, and don't be surprise that whatever OM told you in front of your WW is just bullshit and he may drop your WW like a hot rock the second you EXPOSE the A with OBS, we see it all the time here, it's very common, there's a reason why OM hasn't D OBS after 10 years, he probably simply doesn't want to, if he did he would probably take a big hit financially and he doesn't want that, if he was so in love with your WW he would have filed for D a long time ago, if he had done it your WW probably would have filed the very next day, a very possible reason why that has not happened is because OM doesn't want to end his M and face the consequences. OBS will likely become your ally and provide a second set of eyes to watch their moves.

Again, EXPOSE the A with OBS and with family and close friends, file for D and consult an employment attorney, get tested for STDs.

I don't think it is such a terrible thing to admit that indeed I tried to take the "high road" initially because I really thought (and wanted her to see) that my love for her can be that selfless as to allow her to be happy with the AP because she seems so in love with him.

Sorry, my friend but you aren't taking the high road. You are parked on the train tracks.

The high road would be to inform his wife of the affair and give her agency to make her own decisions. It would also be to inform the university of his actions to prevent him from destroying or endangering the health of anyone else. Until you tell his wife, you are covering for them and excusing the affair. Everyone has told you your wife may not be the only one for him, in the same vein he may not be her only one. You and his wife have possibly been exposed to STDs some of which can be life-threatening. She lied and deceived you for at least 10 years. She hasn't suddenly become honorable and honest because you caught her in the backseat with him ( which is pretty pathetic considering their supposed stature). You really need to re-evaluate your distorted perception of right and wrong. At the moment you can't even comprehend some of the potential outcomes of your situation. The folks here are telling you what will likely happen.

If you truly care about the financial aspects of your children's future you would see an attorney about a lawsuit against the college. It's not vengeful or selfish to protect what you have worked for(and been held back from) from the consequences of their deceitful decisions. Not to mention do you want to model the weak Dad who rolled over and let his cheating wife put the screws to him while screwing another man? You REALLY need to find your anger and ditch the self-flagellation it will do nothing but destroy you and your kids.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 12:37 AM, May 4th (Monday)]

Sorry, my friend but you aren't taking the high road. You are parked on the train tracks.

Maybe you’re thinking if I do nothing it’ll just work itself out?

Nope, better watch out. They have and are planning against you.

The high road you need is to take care of yourself first then your kids. You can’t take care of your kids if you don’t take care of yourself.

It's bad enough your WW is interfering in this MM's marriage but you're still doing it too - and you actually see it as taking the high road!

I really don't know what to say other than repeat what I've been saying since the beginning.

TELL THE WIFE AND DO IT TODAY.

For God's sake act with some integrity here!

BTW, all that time you and you children saw her 'hard at work' she was probably chatting and sexting with AP for a good portion of it

I read through your update. You haven’t addressed telling this man’s wife. Tbh I’d missed that you set up a VIDEO CALL between the three of you, to strike deals on this mess, with his wife continuing to be oblivious. You are colluding with them to keep this from his wife. What gives you the right to do that?

The moral and decent thing to do would be to tell her. Why have you evaded anyone asking about that?