SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So once we're out of lockdown and they'll start going to work, I will have to push firmly for a decision..

Part of that decision would have to be that one of them find another job. Affair partners can't continue working together, particularly after a long-term affair. They typically just end up right back at it. Even if you beat the odds and they don't restart the affair, BS's' just don't heal right under the daily strain of knowing the cheater is in contact with their AP.

I expect, after all the discussion about how "brilliant" she is on her job, that the push back on changing jobs will be as bad, if not worse, than ending the actual affair.

The suggestions here have nothing to do with revenge, and everything to do with protecting yourself and extracting yourself from this terrible situation.

After a 10 year affair, her loyalty is going to be to him, and to a lesser extent your children, with zero loyalty to you. That's why you need to take steps to protect your interests.

Please consider telling his wife. This the right and noble thing to do. She deserves to know.

I don't think your plan of "getting her to decide one way or the other" is going to work. Nothing she says can be trusted. One thing you need to understand is that affairs turn otherwise honest people into pathological liars virtually 100% of the time.

Again, please tell his wife. I can't think of a single person on this forum that did that and regretted it. It's absolutely the right thing to do.

One more thing, you are facing a bit of a learning curve here. Take some time to read other people's stories. I know it took me quite a while to stop living in denial and really understand what people were saying. You'll see that many of these stories have elements in common, and your wife will almost certainly follow the path of a typical wayward. We call it the "cheaters script" because it is so predictable.

This is a massive train wreck ready to happen.

He is her supervisor. He needs to front a university disciplinary action. He is abusing his position and you are allowing him to get away with it. Down the track he will do this to another woman and her family. And really it’s fucking bad luck for your wife if she looses her job. Not yours. Man up, dude.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:22 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Ok brother, you made your call, be nice to her, give her time, she doesn’t have to get tested for STDs or STIs. She is a good person. She can separate after lockdown. Until then she can morn the loss of AP. She has one restriction that being NC until the Covid is lifted and then gets to move out.

Cheaters lie, they lie a lot and directly to your and your children’s faces. The last 10 years are proof. Why can’t she help heal your children? You have stated she doesn’t have to help you.

You don’t get continued employment. Max6 months if possible. Because you discovered their A.

This has already been accepted by you.

You may get spousal and child support from WW. But most likely will have to sell the family abode and move for employment in your field.

WW, gets date nights, has the children over when Prof is there so to blend families. Children won’t like it but will accept this sooner than later to make WW happy. She is a great mother? Not really great mothers don’t deceive their family for 10 years then get to dictate the terms of life to the BS and children.

Prof doesn’t have to tell his wife, or workplace. Gets a free pass on his abuse of power or authority over WW and you.

He gets access to WW as soon as Covid restrictions are lifted.

Gets to call relationship choices with his BS as well as your WW, exposing them all to STDs etc.

Prof gets a pass for your 10 years of heart ache.

He has already stated your employment has to be terminated as him poking your WW with his penis will make it a hostile workplace.

You with your support of WW preferences towards Prof accept this, without any ramifications. Does this not contributed to the hostile work place.

I am sure WW is excellent at her field.

But did she get tenure or any promotion on her merits or that she was ducking the Prof? Ethical problem here? As fellow members of the board/faculty probably knew of this they get a pass on their complacencies. Ethically again raises the ugly head.

I am not trying to bash you or WW but just laying out what I see. All relationships are a 50-50 give and take. Never in the last 10 years did WW raise any relationship issue other than the displeasure with your action to the extent that you children had to interject to support you.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:54 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

You need to teach your children right from wrong. Not telling the OM's wife is wrong and is something you fail to address no matter how many times people bring it up.

You are now helping this man cheat on his wife, you are an accessory to their affair and instead of blowing it up mediated a way out for them.

OP, I'm going to be blunt you had no problem inserting yourself into their marriage when presenting this solution so you should have no problem contacting the wife to finally inform her of the affair.

Her affair is officially taking a "break" right now, the children made her promise that she is not going to meet with him again, until she decides what to do next (not that hard now considering we are all still in Covid lockdown). Of course I/we cannot accept the affair to continue like before, and she agreed that she would have to move out if that is going to be the case (if she really decides to resume affair).

Just because they are no longer working together doesn't mean the affair has stopped. I assume your wife is working from home like most teachers and therefore she is probably in contact with him during her working day, discussing the situation and what their next move is. They could also be meeting up outside the home, does your wife go out to exercise? To buy groceries? It wouldn't be that hard to meet up with her MM while out. Don't be naive - the affair hasn't stopped during lockdown it's simply changed shape.

I was in a position where I could have blown the world up of my WH and his AP. I too could have lost them both their jobs. I chose not too. I chose to protect my children from their father being penniless and watch him sinking deeper into the quagmire he was already in. I chose to to avoid my extended family (my in laws) from having anymore piled onto their shoulders. I did it because i didn’t feel it would make anything better for ME. I didn’t make that decision to ‘protect’ my WH and his AP, they would have deserved everything they got. It concerns me that that is your reasoning.

However, a decision not to go scorched earth is one I have sympathy for.

But I don’t have any sympathy for you not telling the OBS. Every single second longer that that slimy man’s wife doesn’t know, is a second where she is not in control of her destiny. You are conspiring with your wife and her AP of TEN BLOODY YEARS to keep her agency from her. That will not sit well here. I only went through a few weeks of not knowing what my WH was up to but every confused, bewildered, moment is torture daily. I would not have wanted another second of it. I’m sure you know the pain you are in as you look back on specific moments confused as to why your WW was behaving like that. Those moments of extreme pain as you dealt with her weird behaviours not knowing what the hell you’d done wrong! You’re continuing to put another human being through that despite post after post begging you to tell her.

I’m so sorry you’re here, what you’re going through sucks but please give this woman her personal agency back. Let alone her chance to get a decent settlement should they divorce.

Oh yeah, your wife has lied to her children for ten years, water off a duck’s back to lie to them more. She will be in contact with her AP, they will be planning and scheming. Sorry but cheaters lie and cheat, it’s what they do.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:34 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

My advice is going to be contrary to what many have said. I will note that I'm taking everything you have said in your posts at face value.

Putting aside your WW's infidelity, your marriage is irreparably broken. Arguing over kids, "blaming" her when they were born, years of distance and hostility about children. These are cornerstone marriage fundamentals. As in, your marriage has been done for a long time.

As to your WW's infidelity, she may be a PhD, but I wonder if she's smart enough to understand the risks she is taking with your family's well-being. The AP is a classic manipulator. He probably started grooming her for sex the moment he accepted her under his wing. The research science world is filled with men who believe they have a certain droit de seigneur over young women in their lab. In addition, science these days is highly politicized. A person with a successful pipeline of funding succeeds over a person with a brilliant mind, and the two are not necessarily related. Often, the one who gets the funding is an egotistical asshole who is a master at self-promotion. See the story of Ancel Keys and John Yudkin for just one example. Keys is probably single-handedly responsible for the epidemic of obesity that plagues our nation. Yudkin was right all along, but Keys, with his outsized personality and his bloviating blowhard demeanor, won out in the political world of big science.

So, when you divorce your WW, she will then likely have an expectation for a happily-ever-after with the AP. My gut is that he has enjoyed the convenience of having her body available for his enjoyment without any actual commitment, just a bit of future-faking to keep her stringing along. Without you, his house of cards starts to tumble. My bet is that he fires your WW.

In other words, even if you decide to not blow up their world now (though, if it were me, I'd at least inform his betrayed wife), you should gather and keep your evidence because it's likely to blow up after your divorce and the livelihood of your kids depends on your WW's continued income.

The choices she has made, though, have painted her somewhat into a corner professionally. If/when she is fired, if she sues, other lab heads (most of whom are male) may view her as somewhat of a pariah and she may find employment difficult to come by.

For several days after Dday I was clinging desperately to 1) but lately I have become more and more convinced that she is just not going to be there with me, and as you said I cannot do that by myself. So now I am trying to detach, let go and accept that path 2) is the one I'll have to take.

Great. So you have a fairly logical view that these are your two paths, and (1) isn't looking too good for you right now. At least not the way things are currently going.

You are right to try to detach. There is something called the "180." Have you read about it? Advice: you really should. It is *the* tool a BS has. Please do everything in your power to trust this. When you inevitably have the following questions: 1) won't this push my wife further away? and 2) isn't this being dishonest, the opposite of what I want to be?, check in here for more guidance.

All of us have seen the following truths on SI, over and over and over, when BS's are dealing with WS's still actively in an affair:

1) If the BS does the 180--really works at it--they begin to find the tables turning in their favor within 24-72 hours. Reconciliation or Divorce are still options.

2) If the BS *doesn't do* the 180--either refuses (fails to believe it's the right strategy) or fails (constantly breaks 180 behaviors)--they only find failure and suffering. Rugsweeping (we're currently calling it Option 3) or Divorce are the only options.

But I see that path a bit more nuanced: it's about separation at first, not divorce, at least for now, until the children are out of college etc.

This is fine, sure. Most people have a separation before the divorce is finalized. In fact, as you know, the divorce process lasts a minimum of several months and often goes on for years.

Just tuck this little nugget of wisdom away somewhere in your brain for now: *filing* for divorce is not the same as *getting* a divorce.

I know you're not mentally at that point yet. But just begin opening up to the idea that the planning and process is not the same as the thing itself.

We can have a civilized discussion about that, about co-parenting etc. and her still supporting the house and the kids while she moves out (with or without him, doesn't really matter). She already accepted that as the likely possibility moving forward.

I'm only asking for clarity, for both me and you: how can you be so sure you can have this "civilized" discussion? If you mean "civilized" in the sense that it can be a calm and politely-worded discussion, then yes, maybe.

But I want to caution you here: your wife is still in contact with this man, her lover, and they are making plans that you don't know about. I'm telling you this as a "friend" you've never met but who truly understands how this works and who has a deep hope that you can trust on some level that your situation is similar to thousands of others.

You have been the victim of a deep network of manipulation, and that hasn't stopped yet. Any "civilized" conversation you have (or are currently having) will still be permeated with lies, half-truths, subtle blame-shifting, and manipulation. She may not even be conscious to the fact that she's doing it, but these things will be happening. This means you need to be on your A-game and take all that she says with a grain of salt. Everything.

She says she'll move to an apartment and still send you money for half the mortgage? Do not take her at her word unless you have a legal contract. She says she's cut off contact with AP for now? Recognize that she has likely just found a stealthier way to stay in contact with him. She says she's running out to the store, or to her office? Recognize that she is likely back in a parking-lot "meeting" with her affair partner.

It is important that you're vigilant with your awareness, if for no other reason than so you can make sound, clearly-informed decisions for yourself and your children moving forward.

Path 3) is an abomination, I do not want that. I won't put it past her to attempt that, as I see she is still very wary and ashamed of the idea of telling our families and friends about the affair, so she might want to go back to how things were, to keep the appearances etc. -- but no, I and the children discussed that, it's either path 1) or path 2) (and 2) meaning she leaves the house).

I agree. Path (3) is unacceptable for any married man. Something needs to change.

For now, still being in covid lockdown we are not pushing her to pick either of these paths, but we'll have a very serious discussion when this is over.

Here, I have some serious concerns for you and your well-being. The more time you give this/her, the more things will crumble around you.

It is a *very* common (and faulty) BS mindset that somehow it is up to the WS to make a "choice." This is suicide by lack of action.

You seem like a rational, intelligent guy. So let me ask you if the following bolded statement rings true as something you could reasonably communicate to your wife, or whether you see flaws in it that would need correction:

"WW, I understand that you are struggling to make a decision about whether to choose me, your husband, or AP, your boyfriend. I can see it's a very difficult choice for you. However, after deep reflection, I've realized something incredibly important that, whether I like it or not, is going to affect how I move forward from here: I am currently treating you as a priority (as, indeed, a wife *should* be to a husband), and you are merely treating me as an option. One of two choices.

If something changes for you down the road, then I will consider stopping the divorce process and attempting a reconciliation with you. By that point, it may be too late. That has yet to be seen."

What do you think? Is this a reasonable approach? If not, in what ways does it concern you? What, if anything, about the words or process here doesn't seem like it will work for you?

~

There is another thing that, like it or not, will not go away: the other betrayed spouse.

One of the most common things seen here on SI is the following process:

1) BS balks at telling OBS because it's "not my business" or "I don't want to ruin two marriages" or "I don't want to hurt him/her" or "I think s/he already knows" or "I'm scared" and on and on.

2) BS eventually realizes that nothing changes as long as the affair is allowed to remain in the dark.

3) BS eventually (often reluctantly) informs the OBS.

4) BS comes back here to SI and tells us all how it was the ABSOLUTE BEST THING they could have done and that they wish they had listened to the advice here and done it sooner.

Check around for threads where this has happened. There are many.

Only you can make your choices for your life. But know this: affairs thrive in secrecy.

Even if the moral argument doesn't sway you, know that telling the OBS is the #1 affair-killing tool that exists in the world of infidelity.

Also know this: *not* telling the OBS is not a smart "wait and see" approach. It may feel like a nuclear option that will somehow hurt you or ruin your chances at a positive outcome, but that is never the case.

Tell the OBS, and this affair can be over quite quickly and you can be in a better position to make clear decisions and take rational steps forward. You may even find that option (1) becomes viable.

~

Please keep posting. Truly curious to hear your thoughts on what I've outlined above.

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:12 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Look up/google PTSD.

It will help you to be more self aware of your short term automatic mental defense mechanisms. Right now you are reacting and making decisions using 'civility' as an umbrella to hide from your reality.

There are no exceptions, everyone experiences trauma from betrayal.

Actually your wife did betray her kids.

1 - She destroyed their family harmony, their safe place.

2 - She misrepresented herself. Her kids now wonder 'who' their mother is. Among other things, adulterers are: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse & kids.

3 - As a mother she has an obligation to her kids as a role model. She failed as a wife.

4 - Even though your children reject your wife's behavior, your wife's infidelity places your children as high risk for all sorts of bad choices later in life. Your children need IC.

My son is a tenured professor. Professors that are as brilliant etc as your wife are in demand and move between universities very easily.

Speak with an employment attorney to confirm how exposure will impact your wife.

IMO, exposure will impact the OM negatively because he abused his power - but under the circumstance, HR will view your wife as his victim.

Why do you think your wife is the OM's first affair or that she was the only women he reached out to?

It's common to believe your wife's affair (and the OM) are unique. That there were special contributing circumstances or that they were truly star crossed lovers doing the best they could for their respective families.

Your wife wasn't the OM's first or only vulnerable female.

When he's eventually exposed, other women may step forward. That's why the university will not want their affair to go public - and will pay you to shut up.

Don’t be afraid of pushing your wife away. She already left a long time ago. Only a good wake up call would bring her back if that’s possible.

Affairs only work in secrecy and the dark.

Unfortunately no, I did not set a deadline.. (was too hurt/confused when he jumped so quickly on option 1). However my whole point in that talk with them was "stopping the deceit", so the affair should stop too unless they decide to take their relationship in the open as I asked.

Of course that is going to be hard to enforce. So once we're out of lockdown and they'll start going to work, I will have to push firmly for a decision..

You have two misconception here:

1. The deception disclosure to the BS in no way assures the relationship will stop. It can help, but you are hesitant to do what would really stop the deceit: expose to all that have a right to know. You knowing about it does little to nothing, especially since you offer options with no clear consequences.

2. You pushing for a decision is like "making someone do something". It is meaningless and a thing over which you have no power. The only thing you have power over is what decision you make. Make the decision. Don't wait for the man that is fucking your wife to make a decision.

Also, you should be clear that exposing cheaters has absolutely nothing to do with revenge or or getting back. There are many people who have an inherent right to know what they are doing. Keeping that information from them makes you a codependent at best and a co-conspirator at worst. You expose their fraud for the benefit and justice deserved all others that are being manipulated. It is not a move of revenge. It is an honorable and right thing to do.

My husbands cheating was discovered by his AP’s husband 6 months into their two year affair. That man chose not to tell me, which allowed my husband to continue cheating on OUR FAMILY for another year and a half until I painfully discovered the truth myself. Their shitty choices(not mistakes, but actual shitty fucking choices) could have been blown the hell up 6 months in, but no, that asshole decided I didn’t need to know that my husband was fucking his wife and exposing me to stds for 2 years.

In my opinion, my husbands AP and her husband both had equally shitty parts in the pain my children and I have had to endure. I hate that bastard as much as I hate the bitch my husband decided to cheat on me with. Do the right thing and tell the wife. She deserves the opportunity to get out of infidelity. If you don’t tell her, YOU are part of the problem.

So sorry you’re here but I just needed to add to all this that your wife did not make mistakes....she made choices and many calculated as such. Affairs aren’t mistakes...they are choices Most only make a mistake and are caught. That’s where the mistake lies but not within the actual affair.

Your response this far reeks of passiveness. You are not going to expose your ww and her ap to HR because your children don't think it is a good idea? You gave them an option on how to proceed after D-Day and AP chooses "option 1"? Your wife promises YOUR CHILDREN, not you, to stop the affair? You are letting everyone else make decisions that YOU should be making.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 3:49 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

You have one life. You should live it on your terms, not everyone else’s. You’re pandering to someone who doesn’t respect you, and frankly never will for exactly this reason.

Being “nice” doesn’t cause people to love you. Like you yes, love you no. Take control of the situation, be decisive, decide what is right irrespective if it makes you fearful. In reality you should be exposing this creep for exactly what he is. And if your wife doesn’t like it, tough! She may get angry, emotional, whatever, but behind all the drama she will at least start to respect you more. And you’ll find you’ll start to respect yourself more by navigating yourself out of this awful situation.

Take control, stop being a deer in headlights, flip it around and put the spotlight on them. Trust us, it is the only way!

IBH50,

Her affair is officially taking a "break" right now, the children made her promise that she is not going to meet with him again, until she decides what to do next (not that hard now considering we are all still in Covid lockdown). Of course I/we cannot accept the affair to continue like before, and she agreed that she would have to move out if that is going to be the case (if she really decides to resume affair).

My only worry is that she is going to try to fool us (she had a lot of practice with that all these years). So I have to plan for that. She cannot pretend to still be in limbo, she has to make a firm choice stay and commit to work on the marriage (which seems very unlikely) or move out, because she cannot be trusted to just stop the affair.

They made her promise? Do you really think she is going to honor that promise? Like the promise she made to you (and your kids too) to be a faithful wife and mother? I'd say that promise doesn't hold much weight.

I know I am late to this thread and I haven't read every one of your posts and the comments. It seems to me you are trying to nice your WW back. You say you won't accept being a cuckold. But your very flaccid attempts at trying to keep the peace and not making your WW out to be a monster really show otherwise.

10 YEARS?? 10 years of lying straight to you and your kids' face. And yes, not telling the OBS is the absolute wrong thing to do. It's like you are protecting the affair.

Listen, your WW is not on your team anymore. She has chosen her team. She's been on "Team AP" for 10 years. OBS is in the same boat as you and she doesn't even know it. How can that sit well with you?

Despite how much you believe your WW is not a monster, her actions say much differently. No, she's not a serial killer. But she's put herself above your family safety and well being and apparently has no problem continuing to do it. That's pretty abhorrent. She and AP have decided to lay low for a while until they figure out to leave you and OBS. Or until you just shut up about it.

Going scorched earth isn't about getting revenge. It's about exposing the truth to everyone that has been lied to.

So you weren't a model husband however long ago. She didn't divorce you then most likely because she wasn't willing to destroy the comfy life you had. It sound like now you are not willing to divorce and expose her because you also are comfortable with your life too.

You need to find your anger. Nothing justifies lying to your family (and your whole community) for 10 years in the worst way possible.

There's never a perfect time to do what you NEED to do. Wait for the lock down to be over. Wait until things settle down. Wait until she can make a good decision. Wait until I get my finances in order. These are just excuses. And all the while your WW gets to disrespect you and your kids while you flail and wait.

She's made her choice. It ain't you. Stop protecting your WW and AP from the choices they made. They need to face consequences. Remember, this is not your fault. This is you making the universe right.

Get off this ride. You are the only person keeping you here.

Good luck.