SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

after Dday the AP has used his high-level contacts in the field to get me some interviews with another institute in an attempt to secure me a good position elsewhere while promising good referrals etc. (that makes sense, he/they want to get rid of me from the current office, without ruining me and thus endangering the welfare of my children -- it seems clear he does not plan to take over my children, just my wife)

Of course he does. Tenure (time in current position) is important. If you take another position then get laid off what recourse do you have?

Be advised you don’t know what their plans are. It’s only speculation on your part. Beware!!!!!

Again, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS LEGAL ADVICE. Your last post raised A LOT of red flags that an employment lawyer can talk you through. I cannot give legal advice on this, but combined with your other posts, it made me want to give you a warning to get a lawyer. I have two other posts on here two years ago... if that's any indication of how important I think this is for you.

I am going to say something hurtful but you might need to hear it. Every time you met with this guy, you shook hands with a monster. You shook hands with the same guy that had his hands on your wife. How many times did you walk down the hall and he smiled at you, knowing he had been with/would be with your wife? How many times did he give you a good review and laugh behind your back. He controls your employment and he's destroyed your family. This is what you're dealing with. He is also using his wife as his conspirator in doing this.

You think this manipulative jack*** wouldn't torpedo your career to take out the person that was competition for a woman or his reputation? Think again.

Frankly, your entire employment for the rest of your life might be in danger.

This is not about your relationship, or your pain, or you wanting to win your wife back. You. could. be. in. danger. Your earning potential for the rest of your life is in jeopardy. Let that sink in.

Right now you're in shock and they're putting a proposal that they think you won't think twice about taking. That's just evil.

Here are the HUGE red flags:

1.) He is trying to arrange interviews for you with people he knows and that owe him a favor. Is this for you? No. This may be to limit damages and try to make sure it's harder for you to file a lawsuit if you choose. (See? He got a better job elsewhere... no damages or we owe less) Say you take such a job... how long do you think the professor's friend keeps you around? Think you're going to be at your best performance wise while your soul has been crushed by this? Do you think you'll advance? Or do you think you'll be let go six months later? This action is almost certainly to protect him at your expense. It could leave you penniless, unemployed, with no ability to support your kids.

You could have your ability to be in your kids lives impacted by this. Again, I could be wrong, but you NEED a lawyer to talk to you about this. He or she can give you actual legal advice that matters. Call one. NOW.

2.). He has done your performance reviews.

What sick, twisted SOB wants to give his lover's husband performance reviews? He's been doing this for years. Yes, they've been good. But what about next year? What about if something DOES blow up there and he moves around. You think his next buddy is going to take a liking to you? Or do you think you're gone? You can't work in a department with your ex wife easily. No employer wants that. If he was giving you good rankings maybe it was placation or he wanted to see you dance. I don't know, but it's twisted. Call a lawyer, now.

3.). He is seriously considering leaving his wife for yours.

Really? He's had ten years to make up his mind. What makes you think he's going to do it now? Most likely, you're going to go through a divorce. A better paying job, even for six months, might have a real impact on alimony and child support. He might do this to protect her. He does NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR BEING NICE TO YOU. This is a ruse. Talk to a lawyer, NOW.

4.). Liars do liar things: hostile work environment - he actually said it.

You have been the victim of ten years of looking up to your wife's lover. Now it's over and you're a liability to both of them.

Think they're above ruining your reputation in your social circles? Think they're above firing you if your 'wife' claims that you created a hostile work environment? Do you think they're above manufacturing an incident to get rid of you?

Your wife calls you controlling. How soon until she is calling you abusive? Abusive at work? Think you won't be terminated for that? Think again. They look like they are laying the groundwork right there to fire you. You need a lawyer yesterday.

You also need to keep that zoom call safe.

You also need a voice activated recorder or a recorder app on your phone. Right now. (assuming you're in a one party state).

This may run counter to what everyone here will tell you but I would talk to an employment lawyer and a divorce lawyer. But you NEED AN EMPLOYMENT LAWYER RIGHT NOW. If the divorce lawyer says it's ok then I would run from the house.

These people have been conning you, talking about you, watching you and likely making fun of you for ten years. You were the butt of their inside joke, and now you're a liability. They're capable of betraying you for fun, they will destroy you to save themselves. They have a lot to lose and you have everything to lose if you let them do this.

Just call a lawyer. I am begging here. You don't need to do this, you don't need to follow any advice, but for the love of God just make a call. She has countless times slept with another man and come home to smile at you. And you're concerned how it will. look if she finds out you made a telephone call?

If there were a way, I would give you my cell phone number and talk you through the reasons why you need legal advice now. I would, but I don't want to post it here.

You. are. in. danger. Wake up! Wake up! Please for the love of god wake up.

There is nothing lost just by talking to a lawyer.

*** again, not legal advice. Please consult competent counsel.****

Also, please do the following if you can (not legal advice)

1.) Flush the booze or drugs if you've got them. Don't touch them until everything is over.

2.). Do not say or do anything stupid. Do not raise your voice, hit things, throw things, etc.

3.) If you're in a one party state do not be alone with her unless you are recording it (how good of a liar do you have to be to carry on a ten year affair in front of your husband? Think she could convince a judge in ten minutes that you did something violent or threatening?)

4.). Follow your lawyer's advice here.

5.) Act so impeccably morally that no one will ever question you doing something bad. Be kind but firm.

PROTECT YOURSELF.

I cannot tell you the number of cases I have seen in slightly similar circumstances that ended up with the guy in prison or jail.

Even if you still want to save your marriage after this, your boss is still going to destroy your life, and that means you're employment. That's a given. It's going to happen. CALL A LAWYER NOW.

You are putting way too much faith in the human nature of 2 people that have been stabbing you in the back for 10 years. Wake up.

Is he thinking he’s buying your silence here? Is that why you avoid all questions about his wife?

You’re in dangerous waters. Seek advice.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:50 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

Waggingthedog, you may not have private message privileges due to not having enough posts? I'm not sure. From my end it looks like I can message both you and the OP.

Please pay attention to the post above. Contact a lawyer now. Protecting yourself legally is not taking the low road. Start to take this seriously for the threat to your life that it is.

SWMNBC

I am open to that. Just to be clear, I can't offer legal advice, but I know some people at a major employment law firm in the US. Not sure if they can help since they represent the institutional side.

Is he buying your silence here? Is that why you avoid all questions about his wife?

With all due respect Dragonfly, the OP first posted on here Saturday. I expect the idea of talking to the OBS is a new one to him and he is still processing it. He's only now starting to think about a legal help for himself so I don't think he's avoiding anything.

I was exactly in the OP's shoes 28 years ago. When it is your boss and your wife the two most important orbits you function in are completely compromised. There is no refuge and all sense of reality goes to hell in a handbag. It was hard finding a way at 30 with no kids and few assets. He's 50 and has 2 kids.

Thank you so much Waggingthedog for commenting in this thread I really appreciate your advice. I will contact a lawyer as soon as possible (joint account with WW so I'd like to take some precautions that she does not find out).

I have a clarification and a recent development related to this:

* all the performance reviews that the AP gave me over the years were very positive (that might not mean much, just pointing it out)

* after Dday the AP has used his high-level contacts in the field to get me some interviews with another institute in an attempt to secure me a good position elsewhere while promising good referrals etc. (that makes sense, he/they want to get rid of me from the current office, without ruining me and thus endangering the welfare of my children -- it seems clear he does not plan to take over my children, just my wife)

* I had a few interviews with members of that institute a couple of weeks ago that were very positive and today just got an email from their Chief of Staff for a call tomorrow, it sounds like they are going to offer me a position there.

If the salary negotiations go well tomorrow, that looks like a very good place for me to start a new (professional) life (I really like what they are doing there). The position seems quite solid too (in terms of funding etc.). I don't think the AP really wants me without a job, he would then have to help WW with her children etc. He just wants me out of their way at their current work place.

So if the danger of ending up unemployed due to their affair disappears, should I still contact an employment lawyer? or just a "regular" lawyer ? Sorry if I sound so naive, I've never had to deal with lawyers before..

Having just read your last post, and now having read your entire Reddit thread and really getting a sense of the length and magnitude of what is happening to you and how you've been handling it (I'm not blaming you; you're in an incomprehensible and extremely traumatic situation), I'm going to respectfully advise you to focus *solely* on Waggingthedog's posts and advice (or similar) here for now.

If you don't change your actions and behaviors now, today, you are going to sincerely regret it.

If you do not care about your personal job, livelihood, or future, that's fine. Listening to Waggingthedog is still important for your kids' sake. Please find every little ounce of strength you can to trust this. You are wrong in assuming that maintaining the "status quo" right now is what's best for them.

If even *that* is not enough to get you to take action, then please recognize that you have zero chance at saving your marriage if you do not go in this direction.

To recap: this is for you, your kids, and potentially your marriage if that ends up being a thing you still want.

Talk to a lawyer. Go from there. Everything else should go on hold.

You know in your heart of hearts that you cannot let your "next" career be another aspect of your life that is in AP's control.

You are losing yourself. Your kids need a whole, healthy father. They need that more than anything.

He was always very nice and generous with our family..

In your first paragraph you said this.

He is generous because he has been banging your wife for ten years, for 30% of your marriage your wife had two husbands.

If you want to play them you have some powerful cards.

It may end up dead ending your wife's career at that place of employment as sleeping with the boss is never good on a resume, she may not get fired because of the power imbalance but may not get the plum assignments.

If you decide to force the issue, the right employment attorney could get you a lot of "Shut up and go away money" should you decide to go that route.

He is probably too influential to be fired, and the admin most likely knows this has been going on, and ignores it. No one can keep such a secret for 10 years.

Getting you another job is very sketchy...

I don't know what to say to this. Please be careful in all things. Including them trying to help you get a job. I am so leery of this. I am praying for you.

Listen to what the lawyer in this thread advised.

You are in the box seat for the first time in 10 years.

The AP is probably setting you up for failure at the other job.

Some other observations:

Your wife is a real piece of shit. Don’t understand where you get the impression she’s a fantastic mum. You’re probably in shock now but in time you’ll fully understand what a conniving bitch she is. 10 years of an affair with her boss. That’s a special kind of evil.

The AP is an arrogant asshole. He’s toying with you and knows he can because he simply doesn’t think you have the balls to do anything to him. Time for you to claim his by exposing him to HR and his wife. He’ll have so much to deal with that his career will implode. Right now you are like Brady ready to throw a pass for a touchdown with 10 seconds remaining in the Super Bowl and you’re 4 points behind in the score. But you only have 10 seconds left. So, don’t wait cause that will cost you. Throw the ball to the free player that’s half a yard from making history. Please, please tell the OBS. NOW.

Your wife as his subordinate will keep her role. She’s the subordinate not him. You have been abused and a University will want to shut you up. Play this hard and play this straight and you will come out of this with your integrity and a few dollars to ensure your future and your children’s future are secured.

Your wife is married. But not to you. She’s married to the boss. Time for your boss to officially take on that responsibility. Divorce your wife. She’s evil. She’s not remorseful. She’s a super bitch. A delusional one, too.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:32 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

I have a clarification and a recent development related to this:

* all the performance reviews that the AP gave me over the years were very positive (that might not mean much, just pointing it out)

* after Dday the AP has used his high-level contacts in the field to get me some interviews with another institute in an attempt to secure me a good position elsewhere while promising good referrals etc. (that makes sense, he/they want to get rid of me from the current office, without ruining me and thus endangering the welfare of my children -- it seems clear he does not plan to take over my children, just my wife)

* I had a few interviews with members of that institute a couple of weeks ago that were very positive and today just got an email from their Chief of Staff for a call tomorrow, it sounds like they are going to offer me a position there.

If the salary negotiations go well tomorrow, that looks like a very good place for me to start a new (professional) life (I really like what they are doing there). The position seems quite solid too (in terms of funding etc.). I don't think the AP really wants me without a job, he would then have to help WW with her children etc. He just wants me out of their way at their current work place.

Holy...effing...hell...

I'm just... I have nothing to give here. No advice. I have never seen anything like this.

If the corrupt professor can magic a job up out of thin air, courtesy of HIS FRIENDS, what makes you think he cannot snap his fingers and gets HIS FRIENDS to make that job disappear just as quickly if he chooses to?

The man has been playing God with other peoples' lives for years. Yours. Your wife's. His wife's. Your children. He seems to be very comfortable moving people around like chess pieces to get what he wants.

So let's say you take this job that the corrupt professor created for you. And let's say that a year from now, after your inevitable divorce, you have a dispute with your wife about something. The corrupt professor can reach out to his possibly equally corrupt friend who employed you and tell him that it is time to let you go.

How are you going to fight that? If you take a job that your wife's corrupt affair partner puts you in, he can pull the plug on you any time he wants. And he seems like the type who enjoys controlling people. Your wife is, quite literally, his subordinate. His wife is his subordinate. And if you let him start controlling your life, you will be his subordinate, until you break free of anything that he has influence over.

What part of that man having a ten year affair with your wife, while interacting with you throughout that period, makes you think you can trust him to start planning your career for you and putting you exactly where he wants you?

Everything that man does is does for him, and only for him. In your own words, you had the impression that...

He was always very nice and generous with our family

...when all along he was using that smokescreen to destroy your family.

Nice and generous.

That man is a snake, who thrives by controlling people. By setting you up in a job with one of his friends, he maintains his control over you, and he can end that job any time he wants with one phone call to your employer.

lbh50, I am sure you are a talented man with a good track record. I am sure you could get yourself a good job elsewhere on your own merits, without any toxic influence from the corrupt professor.

And are you even sure that you need to leave your current job? Sure, it may be awkward for you, but having you there is 1000% more awkward for your wife's affair partner, who would be disgraced if word of his actions got out, and for your wife, who wants to pretend that she is a professional of unquestionable good character.

So why are you moving? Who suggested it? The corrupt professor?

Long term, it may be best for you to get out of there, but any such move has to be done without any influence or involvement of the corrupt professor. He must not have even the tiniest element of power or control over your future and independence. If he has such control, he will go on playing chess with your life.

Please please please talk to an employment lawyer, as Waggingthedog recommends. That vile corrupt professor has already badly damaged your family, and he has to be decisively stopped from doing the same thing to your career.

Remember the story of the trojan horse? The gift that was actually something very different? That is what the corrupt professor is offering you now.

Seriously, if you feel you need to get another job, then do so without any 'help' from him. He always has an ulterior motive, just as he did with his 'generosity' to your family.

You should not take any action without consulting an employment lawyer who knows the full story and background, and who can advise you about all the possible options you have.

You need someone independent on your side, lbh50. The corrupt professor is not on your side. Your wife is not on your side. An employment lawyer will be on your side, and believe it or not, we are all on your side too.

What we are trying to make you see is that it is time for YOU to be on your side too.

I wouldn't trust a job from the AP somewhere else, what if they fire you in a few months, what you should be doing is contacting an employment attorney before you make any moves, there's a reason why OM is trying to do that, he's trying to get you to QUIT which means leaving a job voluntarily and may be detrimental to a lawsuit settlement, if you play your cards right you may end up with a huge settlement worth a lot of cash, enough to set you up for life and still keep your current job (AP will likely be forced to resign if not fired).

'

we are all on your side too.

Yes, you have friends here. I mean that.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:21 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Exactly. Some advice you will take, some you will not. But just know you've found a place where everyone is acting with a single-minded, laser-focused view of protecting you, and your children's, best interests.

He was always very nice and generous with our family.

I also want to point out that this is a tactic straight out of the influence and persuasion manuals.

By doing things for people unasked, they begin to feel that they owe you a debt-- as you feel like you're owing him. He's done so much for you!

But the price for his generosity-- would you have agreed to it at the beginning?

He's likely a serious narcissist, maybe even a psychopath. On the upside, if you're revenge-minded, things are NOT going to go well for your wife after you're out of the picture, without you having to lift a finger.

[This message edited by Sunspot at 5:59 PM, May 4th (Monday)]