SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do not take this as legal advice. DO NOT STOP CALLING LAWYERS!

Read what you just wrote.

They're trying to get you to quit the university, that likely has employment protections that apply to you. They want you to apply for a non-profit that likely only has "at will" employment where you can be terminated on a whim. And that the director is friends with the OM on some level. And that is willing to create a position for you based on the other man's recommendation. The OM who lied to you about not having enough funding to keep you around and is already deleting documents.

If that doesn't show you the need to get a lawyer involved now...

Do not stop calling them. Please. Please talk to a lawyer before you do anything.

Secrecy is important. Do not say or do anything that will indicate you are taking action.

Reflect back. They have been lying and deceiving you for years.

Anything they are doing/planning will not have your best interest in it. These are very corrupt people. They are not like you.

For 10 years this sheep in wolves clothing has been banging your WW. For 10 years the POSOM has held sway over your advancement, trust me he has. For ten years this POSOM has advanced your WW's career, trust me he has.

Now all of a sudden he is a great guy & is going to recommend you for a job somewhere with one of his friends. Which will end badly my man, trust me it will. You seem to be satisfied that he won't do anything negative towards you. Seriously have you forgot the banging your WW for the past ten years smiling and laughing with you & keeping you in the no advancement zone. Looks like a negative thing to me.

What is to stop this POSOM from phoning his friend a week from you joining the other lab & telling them about some totally negligent thing you did that could end up costing the UNI millions and he just wanted them to know & might be charging/suing you etc, etc.... Yes he really is that devious. Trust me he is

Like Waggingthedog said before you do anything or accept anything or agree to anything coming from the POSOM and his lying mouth. SEE A LAWYER.

Quit being soft you cannot trust or believe anything you're WW or POSOM tell you...PERIOD. He's there to help you - LOL seriously?

People that help you are friends & coworkers with integrity this POS & you're WW are neither of those. Inform the OBS ASAP.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:56 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

To also finally address the elephant in the room: telling the OBS.

At this point I am still scared about how I could totally lose control of the situation if I do that right NOW myself (before any other steps are taken and before the situation becomes a bit clearer). But please believe me this is just a temporary hold.

My confused fear at this moment is that there is a good chance that the OBS might just want to ruin my wife's professional life instantly (to get her fired etc.) or by going to HR etc. That is of course conflicting with my initial plan (now almost expiring) to contain the damage at least until things are cleared up a bit, one way or another.

I also discussed with the therapist, in the very 1st session, this moral issue I'm having with NOT letting OBS know (like many of you pointed out). She just advised caution and careful consideration of the consequences as we do not know how she might react and she could create more trauma for me and the children -- she mentioned extreme cases where the OBS would stalk the WW's family, some even shouting "whore" etc. from their driveway or other public scenes like that. Obviously her (the therapist's) job is to protect my feelings etc. and she also could not directly advise me to do it or not.

Lastly, I am still considering the very unlikely possibility (0.001% chance?) that their relationship might actually stop (if somehow after this period and our next 'serious talk' my wife she would decide to reconcile..). If that were to happen I wondered myself if I wanted to be in her shoes and know that my WW hadsuch a relationship, betrayed me like that, with all the heartache, the mind movies etc. -- even though now it's REALLY over.

After being through the pain of all that in the last month, I think I would choose to NOT know, if that affair was really over -- but maybe that's just me. I was contemplating these days that I would be so much happier now if they ceased this affair 2-3 years in and I would've never found out about it after that. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind..

[This message edited by lbh50 at 5:12 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

They're trying to get you to quit the university, that likely has employment protections that apply to you. They want you to apply for a non-profit that likely only has "at will" employment where you can be terminated on a whim. And that the director is friends with the OM on some level.

Wow, only now I saw this message. That is worrying.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 5:13 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

At this point I am still scared about how I could totally lose control of the situation if I do that right NOW myself (before any other steps are taken and before the situation becomes a bit clearer). But please believe me this is just a temporary hold.

No action until you get good legal representation

My confused fear at this moment is that there is a good chance that the OBS might just want to ruin my wife's professional life instantly (to get her fired etc.) or by going to HR etc. That is of course conflicting with my initial plan (now almost expiring) to contain the damage at least until things are cleared up a bit, one way or another.

You are to worried about a 10 year lying cheater when you need to be worried about yourself so you can protect your kids.

You need to get this. They (your wife and her OM) don’t give a fuck about you or your kids or they wouldn’t be pulling this shit.

This last post is great. You are really starting to see clearly.

At this point I am still scared about how I could totally lose control of the situation if I do that right NOW myself (before any other steps are taken and before the situation becomes a bit clearer). But please believe me this is just a temporary hold.

I agree with you: do not talk to the OBS right now. This is coming from me, a guy who recognizes how *powerful* a move it is to tell OBS. Put that on hold for now.

Talk to your lawyer before anything else. And then please check in here before making any other moves out of infidelity. You need to sort your safety and well-being out first.

Right now, you stay the course. And yes, do not accept another job without talking to the lawyer.

I thought about it and yes, I will make sure that the OBS will find out. No matter what the consequences -- it will be on their head (WW+AP), not mine.

Fantastic thoughts. But yes, hold off for now.

Of course I will prefer if the AP will do it, fairly, if he can really man up to it, but I know he cannot be trusted with that.

You are correct. He cannot be trusted with that. Even if he tells you himself that he told her, it will be a lie or a half-truth.

If that were to happen I wondered myself if I wanted to be in her shoes and know that my WW hadsuch a relationship, betrayed me like that, with all the heartache, the mind movies etc. -- even though now it's REALLY over.

After being through the pain of all that in the last month, I think I would choose to NOT know, if that affair was really over -- but maybe that's just me. I was contemplating these days that I would be so much happier now if they ceased this affair 2-3 years in and I would've never found out about it after that. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind..

Ha, yes. Believe it or not, wanting something that can never exist is a form of denial. I get why you would think that--lots of people do--but I promise you it's unhealthy, and after some time has passed, you'll be grateful that you were given the truth about your own life so that you could have the agency to make appropriate decisions. That is a promise.

The OBS has the same right to knowing the reality of her life so that she can make her own decisions. It is very likely that she knows in her heart that something is happening already, and she just needs proof.

~

But not yet. You have other things to do first that are much more important.

Wow, only now I saw this message. That is worrying. The CoS just told me they have "at will" employment there indeed.

You my friend were about to walk into a carefully crafted ambush. Please wake up!!!!!!!

I'm going to get flamed for saying this. Again, do not take this as legal advice.

Normally, the moral thing to do is to inform the OBS. It's the right thing to do. But, the situation you're in is not a normal situation. Wait for a few days until you talk to two types of attorneys before you make any moves.

In terms of informing the OBS you should first talk to BOTH a FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY AND an EMPLOYMENT LAW ATTORNEY before you take that step. FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE IN DOING THIS.

Right now, your livelihood might be in jeopardy. Informing the OBS is secondary to not doing something that will harm you forever. This is a "put on your own life vest first" situation. This is where I will be flamed. And I know it's morally objectionable.

There are reasons why I say this, but you really have to talk to both types of attorneys before you take this step. I say this not from a moral pedestal, but from cold hearted pragmatism for you in this situation.

Her financial wellbeing is in jeopardy too, and that's an issue that you can help with, but only AFTER you talk to both types of attorneys to determine how you want to proceed.

That's my two cents. Everyone else can flame me for it, but I would advise talking to both types of attorneys before doing this. You can likely accomplish this in the next few days. Then, if your lawyer says it's ok, you can inform her in a kind manner that might not raise any legal problems.

Ignore anyone who posts here who disagrees with what Waggingthedog is saying.

He is giving you the right advice.

Please also remember to act as normal as possible with your wife. It's perfectly ok to continue doing what you were doing before posting here, talking with her about the A, etc. But do not let on that you're taking other actions.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:22 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Normally, the moral thing to do is to inform the OBS. It's the right thing to do. But, the situation you're in is not a normal situation. Wait for a few days until you talk to two types of attorneys before you make any moves.

In terms of informing the OBS you should first talk to BOTH a FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY AND an EMPLOYMENT LAW ATTORNEY before you take that step. FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE IN DOING THIS.

Excellent advice.

Mouth shut, eyes and ears open

I am also wondering how you can protect your hand moving forward. If this story is on Reddit and here, with frankly a number of identifying features (even in the title of this post), then I worry that WW and AP could be reading along. Please make sure there is no way this website would come up on a history that your wife has access to, and keep your cards close when it comes to your next steps.

Maybe the mods could change the title of your post to make it less identifiable if WW or AP does a quick google search for infidelity help forums? Also, if your username is your initials or anything identifying like that, you might request to change it.

I also found out I live in one of those "two-party consent" states so my Zoom recording was illegal, and cannot record anything other interactions with them.

I use Zoom constantly at work. Have for years. When someone is recording it says so right at the top of the screen. Show it to your attorney. That may be enough notification.

There is no way the WW and AP are searching online for his activity. In their smug minds they have the wool completely over his eyes. That's why he needs to strike fast and hard to get control of the situation. In between now and when he exposes they are going to be building a case where he is "the crazy jealous husband" - so every moment that he waits he's losing control of just about everything. If there is a pause on action there will be an inability to take action.

And once expose has happened the games changes ONLY for the positive. The wife will have bigger fish to fry than stalking a family. What's the worst that can happen? Your wife leaves you for someone else? News flash - she's already made that decision.

Wow, only now I saw this message. That is worrying. The CoS just told me they have "at will" employment there indeed.

You my friend were about to walk into a carefully crafted ambush. Please wake up!!!!!!!

Waggingthedog, I want to thank you for coming out of your forum 'retirement' to help lbh50.

Your advice is absolutely crucial, and the "at will" employment element shows that just as Marz says, this new job was a bushwhacking waiting to happen, all staged by the corrupt and utterly untrustworthy professor. You spotted that, and immediately alerted lbh50 to it.

You have some very good people on your team now, lbh50. And you deserve them.

We are all rooting for you.

IBH,

I think moving forward you need to really cover your tracks. Use your tech savvy to make sure WW and AP don't stumble across your threads.

The last thing you need is them knowing your innermost thoughts. That would be as dire as prematurely informing the OBS. Laying low and not tipping your hand are of utmost importance.

They are clearly so deep in their fantasy that they truly believe this will all work out perfectly for them. You just need to shut up and play along.

What you have described is maybe the most evil scheme I have read since I've been a member here at SI.

By all means, get it out of your head that these two have suddenly turned into good people that have your back. They have acted supremely selfishly for the past 10 years, forsaking their loved ones to get what they want. Why would they change now?

And if your WW isn't begging you to take her back then she is undoubtedly still in the affair.

You are being led to slaughter. Act accordingly.

KEEP TALKING TO ATTORNEYS. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

[This message edited by squid at 4:39 PM, May 5th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

I also found out I live in one of those "two-party consent" states so my Zoom recording was illegal, and cannot record anything other interactions with them.

Let your attorney figure this out. I would be silently gathering other info like emails, text messages, phone bill data, etc.

Plus she’s confessed to you and your kids.

So now he might not have funding for your position? Oh, wait, he might be able to fund it for six more months to allow you to get a job. Is this not abuse of power or what? He is saying that if you stay YOU will make the work environment toxic for your WW? Yet, they do not believe they have made it toxic for you? If you have to take the day off, drive to his house, and tell his wife, do it. Find her through social media. But tell her as soon as you can. I would also strongly recommend telling HR. Your immediate boss is having an affair with your wife and pushing for you to find another job so that WW does not feel uncomfortable at work. Tell HR today or in the morning.