xww's father passed away
We've been sparsely communicating lately, only regarding kids.
Found out via social media that her father passed away. I knew he'd been sick for a while. So it wasn't a surprise. Still, I'm sad for her family, I must admit.
I did ask him for permission to marry his daughter, after all. When shit hit the fan after Dday he implored me to reconsider divorcing. What else could I do? XWW didn't want to be my wife anymore.
My dad's family lost 3 brothers (my dad and 2 uncles) in 3 years. The latest one being a couple weeks ago. But this passing is different. New territory.
I've impulsively sent condolences to a couple nieces on social media. I want to say something to XWW but I'm not sure if it's the "right" thing to do. You know what I mean?
2 comments posted: Sunday, November 15th, 2020
DD acting out
DD21 came home rather abruptly from her college town a few weeks ago after her plans to move to a new apartment apparently fell through and she didn't have place or roommate to move in with.
I say "college town" because she decided to take a break from college but didn't want to move back home. She loves her life there too much.
But on the reality side, she blew through her college fund, switching majors more times than I can remember, at an out-of-state college that was way more expensive than an in-state school.
I told her that if she was to go back to school she had to enroll at a state college. She hasn't been in school since last summer. I said if she wanted to stay there, she'd have to get a job and pay for her own expenses.
Frankly, I was relieved she decided to come back home, especially amidst the pandemic. She insisted before that she would be fine up there.
In fact, there was some back and forth earlier this year when I was insistent on her moving back home and she at first begrudgingly acquiesced. She made it known that she'd be very withdrawn and would spend most of her time in her room and not want to talk to anyone.
We had plans set up to where I would drive up to help her move back home, but she changed her mind saying she wanted one more chance to make things right. That didn't happen. She got through summer but then her roommate (so she says) could not come through, so she came home.
And since she's been home, she has pretty much mostly been shuttered in her room. I noticed early upon her return that she's been drinking quite a bit. At first hard liquor and now mostly wine.
For the 3rd night this week, DD21 took the car, presumably to go do some food delivery jobs (at least that's what she tells me). I just happened to wake up as my irregular sleeping has me doing lately. It's now 4:30am and she has not been home yet. She left at 3pm.
The first time she didn't come home until I texted her at 2:30am asking what time she was coming back.
The second time she didn't come home until 8am the next morning. I didn't even know she left the house then. She tripped the house alarm when she came home, to my surprise.
I know she's an adult and perhaps it's not my place to ask. But at what point do I say "what the f**k?".
We've talked about IC for her and she claims she was seeing one. I know from my health insurance notifications that she is on some kind of meds, I think for depression and anxiety.
If any of you remember, she has a history of not being truthful with me. Like straight up lying and gaslighting me even in the face of hard evidence. That's a whole other story.
XWW moved 60 miles away earlier this year without telling me, so she is kind of persona non grata with regard to parenting.
I just needed to vent.
2020 just keeps getting better.
9 comments posted: Monday, October 26th, 2020
I thought things were a bit off a few weeks ago.
Contrary to our custody agreement, XWW wanted to take DS14 for an entire week sort of randomly instead of the one-night-a-week-every-other-week arrangement that was stipulated in our divorce agreement.
Then the weird trash can incident which I last posted about...
A couple days DS14 mentioned how he didn't like the idea of going to XWW's place for an entire week. Which I agreed was unusual especially now that school is about to start. The last time he went, he was supposed to stay for an entire week but asked to come back early.
Today I learned XWW moved away to a town that's about 60 miles away. I had no clue. Her previous place was less than 5 miles away from our house. She made zero mention.
I'm struggling with this. Lately, I thought that we might be one of those D'd couples that finds our way back to each other. I don't know why. I know there are many obvious reasons why this could never work out. But there it is.
I'm struggling with not going down the rabbit hole, searching for AP on social media to see if he moved back. Pain shopping. All the feelings of inadequacy have returned.
15 comments posted: Saturday, August 1st, 2020
D happened December 2018.
XWW and I have been very basic communicado save for just kids.
I have been ok with her coming over to my (marital) house and hang with DS1 and DS2, just so long as I am not there.
I know this may not be ideal. Whatever. I am trying to find some sort of "normalcy" this close out after D.
In our divorce agreement, she would take DS15 go to her place every other week for one night. When lock down began, that pretty much went away.
A few days ago, she let me know that she wanted DS15 to be with her for a week. Whatever. That's fine. I can be agreeable just so that she could have time with her kids.
So today, while I was at work, she came and got DS15 for a week.
I noticed there was a new trash can in our house.
I asked DS15 what that was about and he told me XWW bought it.
Thoughts? I am ready for the lambasting.
19 comments posted: Friday, July 10th, 2020
Happy Birthday, Cattlefarmer!
He may never see this. But we grew close in my early days here on SI. We have since crossed the 4th wall and have connected outside of SI. He's a bloody legend!! And a true national hero fighting on the front lines (along with his kids) of his country's recent natural disasters.
Make some noise!!!!
5 comments posted: Wednesday, April 22nd, 2020
Still Coming Out
A friend of my XWW sent us a Christmas card a couple weeks ago. I just discovered it amongst a pile of unopened mail. It was addressed to the two us, as if we are still married.
This is a friend of my XWW from where she grew up. I'm tempted to reply that we're no longer together. The last time she and my XWW saw each other, my XWW dragged my kids to see her when she vacationed near us. It was about 6 months post Dday and my XWW moved out of our house for a few months just a few days later. So we were in the middle of the shit at that point. But my XWW never mentioned anything about it to her and acted like everything was hunky-dory.
Should I reply to her keeping it short and sweet? Or do I just let it lie?
7 comments posted: Sunday, January 5th, 2020
A year ago today, at about this same time, I walked out of a courthouse in a smallish rural town with 2 copies of my final divorce judgement in hand. XWW didn't even attend.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, December 10th, 2019
Holding pattern (vent)
In a couple weeks I'll be a year out from divorced. It's been kind of a rough year. Just still been feeling stuck. Lost my dad a month ago.
Then ohforanewme's passing was big hit.
I've been trying to get back to finding myself, reading books, etc. Part of that also includes revisiting old hobbies and finding new ones.
One of my bucketlist experiences is to renovate an old RV or 4wd van into a something I could live in full time while I fish my way across the country visiting every major US state park. Even tried to figure out a way I could bring DS along, with the possibility of homeschooling him for a year.
You know who else was into van-life? XW's AP. They even spent time together fixing up his van. You know where they had sex? In his camper van. Sometime before we were divorced I stumbled upon his blog where he chronicled his van build and some of his travels. Yup, I got to see the scene of the crime. I got to see the van and the bed inside. Talk about pain shopping. Mind movies galore still.
And part of this hobby has me watching Youtube videos on van-life and conversions. Every time I see a thumbnail of another video of "guy converts old van into amazing campervan" I seriously get triggered that it might be of the AP.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I can't get my head away from the affair. Still get mind movies. I'm so ready to move on with my life but my head and even my heart won't let me. I had a dream the other night that XW already had a new BF. I'm still hardcore NC with her so I have no idea what's happening with her. But it's in my head somewhere.
I hate to drone on like this. I guess I'm waiting for the "onward and upward" mantra to fully manifest itself.
I'm going to add that it hurts my heart knowing that ohforanewme isn't going to be chiming in on this thread. I miss you, friend.
13 comments posted: Saturday, November 23rd, 2019
Hey, SI friends.
This isn't the post I wanted to share. But I've been on the struggle bus lately.
I feel so stuck in a rut. I think I'm looking too hard for some sense of progress, but I can't seem to see any. Maybe I'm wallowing in a big Pity-party. I don't even feel right to complain.
I'm on the chopping block at work. My office administrator has been politely asking me to move on. Not a direct threat of termination. More of a, "Please get a job elswhere....we can't afford you" type of suggestion. The only high note in the last 8 months is that I graduated from my Masters program. But it also means that I'm trying to transition into a new industry. So I've got little experience and stuck in a Catch-22 of employers only looking for experienced candidates. How can I gain experience if no one will hire me??
Then there's the added stress of moving. I've been needing to downsize. Yet the market isn't so favorable lately. I've built up quite a bit of equity in this house, having bought it at a short-sale price not too long after the housing bubble burst. But it's too much for me to maintain on my own. I'd much rather move into a place that's a third of this size. But the added stress of moving seems just too much.
A couple pluses are that DS14 is liking his new high school. His older bro that graduated from that hight school has been shepharding him through the freshman process, which is a great blessing. Older DS19 is doing ok and DD20 finally split from toxic BF, but hasn't been very communicative since she moved into her new place.
Add to that, I learned last week from XWW that the division of my 401K had not been completed. I submitted paperwork to my attorney back in January. But due to some miscommunication, it got overlooked until just this week. The wheels are in motion. But now I feel like I did back in December when I was working so hard to get to the D finish line.
Just feeling so BLEH.
Then on top of all of this, I've been missing female companionship. There have been a couple of threads here in NB talking about that really hit home. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but damn I'd like to just hang out with a nice lady that would appreciate me for me.
I've found myself watching videos of so-called "red-pill" men talking about hypergamy and MGTOW philosophies and I can't help but think that there's no hope for me. I'm in kind of a dead-end job, very average physically, and divorced with a big "D" on my forehead. Oh, woe is me!! Ugh. So sick of this.
I tried to rekindle an old flame with my trip to Ireland/London. But I saw so many red flags with her. Like MAJOR red flags. I've accepted I need to move on from that. Way too soon to even ponder such a relationship with anyone, I'm sure.
I know this seems like such a pathetic vent. But I'm stuck. So very stuck.
Oh, yeah. And now Hurricane Dorian is looking to pummel my state. Yay.
Happy Labor Day weekend, friends.
[This message edited by squid at 10:23 PM, August 30th, 2019 (Friday)]
24 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019
People Finding Out...
So I got back last week from a trip to to Ireland & London. It was pretty awesome. I went solo through Ireland for 5 days and met up with a friend I hadn't seen in 20 years in London for 3 days. Great time.
Last weekend was playing tennis with a guy I met relatively recently and he asked me about my trip. Then he asked if I went with my wife. In a kind of knee-jerk reaction I said "yes". I don't know why. I've been divorced for 7 months. But I guess I wasn't ready to talk about it.
Today, I was going to play tennis with a guy I've known for about 15 years. We know each other only through tennis but he bikes through my neighborhood and he knows where I live and has even met my XW.
He opened up the conversation today by saying, "hey, man, I didn't know you were divorced. I'm really sorry." I asked how he found out. He said through Facebook. I updated my status to divorced back in December after the D was final. I knew I was going to tell him eventually. But I didn't expect he would find out this way.
In fact, other than my family and a few close friends, no one knows that I'm divorced. And other than my office administrator, I haven't told anybody at work either. I've known most of them for 15 years. Been to their weddings, met their kids. Of the guys on my team was there when I found out my then-wife was pregnant with our 3rd child. But yet I've held off on telling. Still not ready to admit it, I guess.
Just venting. Did anybody else not tell for a long time?
18 comments posted: Saturday, July 13th, 2019