Newest Member: JustCrushed

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BH D-Day 2.19.17 Divorced 12.10.18 This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

The Other Side (Update)

Hello, SI Family.

I haven't been here in quite sometime. At least not regularly. I recognize a couple names here and there, but I am sure most of you have never heard of me.

I'm approximately 6.5 years post D-day, and 5 years post divorce. Mine was finalized at the end of 2018.

2019 pretty much sucked - lost my dad and a dog, continuing the downward spiral of depression, anxiety, fear of the unknown, all while trying to keep my kids on track with school and somewhat of a normal life at home.

Their mother moved an hour away, which pretty much limited her time with them to holidays. Otherwise, my two DS's were always with me, while my DD was/is out of state trying to do her own thing.

Then the lockdowns hit. My isolationist tendencies were now trending worldwide! Everything turned upside-down. People seemed to lose their minds. I tried to be the rock. Albeit, a rock with a very wobbly foundation, but a rock nonetheless.

Contact with my XWW was kept to a minimum. Texting or emails only, and only about the kids/logistics. This worked very well for me. I controlled the conversation, lessening my anxiety and steering me away from any drama.

Which brings me to yesterday.

My youngest son graduated high school! I'm proud because I got him through all of high school as best I could without totally falling apart in the process. Whew! Big milestone.

All that to say, I knew his mother was going to attend the graduation ceremony, as she should. And, of course, my son wanted to invite her to the dinner afterwards. Living in my conflict-avoidant / people-pleasing self, I obliged.

So over the last couple of weeks, apart from the mad sprint to the finish line, there was a sub-layer of anxiety in me, knowing that I was going to see my XWW for the first time since we finalized the divorce. In fact, she wasn't even at the final hearing. Just me. I believe the last time we saw each other was to transfer the title of her car from my name to hers. That was about three months before the divorce was final.

We sat with my eldest son between us for the ceremony. And then we were seated next to each other for the dinner. We had a pleasant conversation - talked about her new place, her family, life in general. We hugged after and exchanged some friendly texts, and that was that.

Long story short, I survived. The anxiety I had built up - fear of old feelings, the ptsd, the crushing gut-punch I would constantly re-live after D-day, was really for nothing. I could sit in a room with her, still remember the experience from years ago, but be okay in myself.

I'm not going to lie, I was emotionally exhausted after that dinner. But I made it.

You all will make it. All of the pain and feelings of universal unfairness that you are experiencing now, will eventually go away. It just takes lots of time and counseling and work.

I'm in no way my best self. But I'm working on it. I think after this experience I'm realizing I'm a lot stronger than I thought I could be.

So for you all thinking this is the end of your lives - yes, in a way, it is. But there's life on the other side of this.

As the saying goes, "The only way out of hell is through." Or something like that.

Be well, SI Family. 💗

12 comments posted: Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Food Processors and Boundaries

(posting here because I guess this isn't quite a New Beginnings matter)

Yesterday I finally got around to addressing the garlic powder that had hardened into a nearly single rock inside its bottle due to an improperly closed lid and humidity. I began looking inside my pantry for the smaller of our two food processors which was the perfect size for the amount of garlic that I needed to grind back into powder form. But when I looked on the shelf where I always knew it to be, it wasn't there. I looked all over the rest of the pantry, behind other smaller appliances. I looked all over the rest of the kitchen with mounting frustration.

Then a thought crossed my mind. I turned to my youngest son and asked, "Did mom take the little food processor?" He thought a moment and said, "Yeah, the last time she was here." This would have been a couple of weeks ago when she dropped him off after he stayed at her place for a few days over his spring break.

I'm frustrated by this. The lack of decorum really pissed me off and still does.

A few months after she moved out of the house after our divorce and a couple of weeks before she moved an hour away without telling me she was moving, there was a previous incident. She replaced my kitchen trash can with her old one and put my old one in the garage without telling me. With no explanation. I mean, how weird is that? Who does that?

I never brought up the trash can incident. But after this recent one, I had to text her and tell her to not take anything from the house without first asking and/or telling me. (BECAUSE MAYBE THAT'S THE CONSIDERATE THING TO DO)

mad mad

{{End Vent}}

4 comments posted: Sunday, April 10th, 2022

Which is more of a slap in the face??

Hello, SI Fam.

It's been a while since I've posted anything. And I haven't found myself visiting the forums much either. In fact, even though I did drop by a couple weeks ago, I still find the new layout quite off-putting.

The title of this post is in regards to this - I haven't had a raise in over 5 years. Today, my boss emailed me to let me know that they are raising my base compensation by 1%. He didn't phrase it like that. Instead, he gave me a figure that my salary was being "adjusted" to, and I did the math myself.

So, what's the bigger slap to the face?

Not getting a raise in forever, or your boss notifying you that after over 17 years with the company and for the first time in over 5 years you're getting a 1% raise.

I know this is just a big pity party. But I can't vent really vent this on my socials because I'm "friends" with my boss on most of them. My team members are practically in the same boat as me. We talk about a mutiny almost every day.

At least he thanked me for my service. mad

Anyhoo, vent over.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022

xww Moved...

I thought things were a bit off a few weeks ago.

Contrary to our custody agreement, XWW wanted to take DS14 for an entire week sort of randomly instead of the one-night-a-week-every-other-week arrangement that was stipulated in our divorce agreement.

Then the weird trash can incident which I last posted about...

A couple days DS14 mentioned how he didn't like the idea of going to XWW's place for an entire week. Which I agreed was unusual especially now that school is about to start. The last time he went, he was supposed to stay for an entire week but asked to come back early.

Today I learned XWW moved away to a town that's about 60 miles away. I had no clue. Her previous place was less than 5 miles away from our house. She made zero mention.

I'm struggling with this. Lately, I thought that we might be one of those D'd couples that finds our way back to each other. I don't know why. I know there are many obvious reasons why this could never work out. But there it is.

I'm struggling with not going down the rabbit hole, searching for AP on social media to see if he moved back. Pain shopping. All the feelings of inadequacy have returned.

Fuck.

15 comments posted: Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Trash Can

D happened December 2018.

XWW and I have been very basic communicado save for just kids.

I have been ok with her coming over to my (marital) house and hang with DS1 and DS2, just so long as I am not there.

I know this may not be ideal. Whatever. I am trying to find some sort of "normalcy" this close out after D.

In our divorce agreement, she would take DS15 go to her place every other week for one night. When lock down began, that pretty much went away.

A few days ago, she let me know that she wanted DS15 to be with her for a week. Whatever. That's fine. I can be agreeable just so that she could have time with her kids.

So today, while I was at work, she came and got DS15 for a week.

I noticed there was a new trash can in our house.

I asked DS15 what that was about and he told me XWW bought it.

okay......

....And scene.

Thoughts? I am ready for the lambasting.

19 comments posted: Friday, July 10th, 2020

Happy Birthday, Cattlefarmer!

He may never see this. But we grew close in my early days here on SI. We have since crossed the 4th wall and have connected outside of SI. He's a bloody legend!! And a true national hero fighting on the front lines (along with his kids) of his country's recent natural disasters.

Make some noise!!!!

5 comments posted: Wednesday, April 22nd, 2020

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