SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am terribly bad at this stuff, never had to deal with lawyers before and I am scared

You are not bad at this. You've just never had to do it before. Lots of us hadn't had to. Doesn't make you a wuss. Simply because your wife always did it doesn't mean you can't do things in a way that suits you better.

Plus you have an ace up your sleeve; 9 pages of people wanting to help. Someone on here probably can point you in the right direction with any question you have. Ask away.

Glad to see you are still posting.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 12:58 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

I am terribly bad at this stuff, never had to deal with lawyers before and I am scared. I realize now I've been so codependent of my wife for so long, I feel lost now.

What you were does not mean that’s what you will be.

I’d be more scared of the plans your enemies have hatched up for you.

They are planning for the old you. Not what you’re about to become. That was not in their thinking or planning.

Good luck

[This message edited by Marz at 9:43 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

I can't say how proud I am of you man.

You may be a random internet stranger far away, but I've been checking this non stop to make sure you get in to talk with a lawyer that can protect you.

The people here are better versed on the relationship side. Deal with that later.

For now, do not stop until you get a lawyer to talk to you. I don't care if your wife comes to you begging. A lawyer just gives you advice, that's it. Then they do what you tell them to do. Don't make any decisions until you speak with one. You don't have to file a lawsuit or make a complaint or take a new job until you decide to. That's your call completely. Get advice FIRST before you make a decision.

In the meantime, I would suggest not being alone with you wife and bailing.Take your vacation time and get out of Dodge for a bit. You need to be safe here. The more you are in that home or in that office you are in danger. Take vacation if you can, get a hotel room somewhere, and ignore everything until you can get advice. This situation is a powder keg.

If you can't take vacation then limit your interactions as much as possible and don't be alone with either of them if you can at all avoid it.

Good job man. Keep it up until you talk to a lawyer and can objectively evaluate your options.

They actually created a new position just for me. Unfortunately the salary they proposed at first is slightly lower than what I have working for the AP, but the negotiations aren't over, I'm going to have another talk with her on Thursday. Start date would likely be late summer, which works better with me, as I could use a couple more months to rebuild myself until then, hopefully.

Since they obviously put a lot of trust in the AP's professionally recommendation it would be nonsensical that later the AP would "change his mind" and get back to them and contradict/retract his own "high recommendation" and tried to convince them otherwise, right? That's the reason why I think he will not do that.

On the other hand I realize there is one way he could still have set me up for failure there: maybe he oversold me to them and I won't be able to live up to that "high recommendation" or perform well enough in this new job in the next few months (for obvious reasons mentioned here). That still depends mostly on me, though, so I will have to push myself etc. That's no longer in his power, then.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 5:11 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Don’t make any moves until you get good legal representation!!!!

Reflect back. You thought your deceitful wife and other man were great too.

You cannot trust anyone or anything at this time.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:21 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Ibh50:

Keep going. You are doing fine. None of us handled this crap perfectly. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. I am a retired attorney. Waggingthedog is giving you excellent advice. Keep pushing until you can talk to an employment law attorney. Your situation has so many potential pitfalls with at least one if not two or more people possibly conspiring against you, you need expert guidance. Protect yourself and your children.

Really glad to read this update. Great work!

I am terribly bad at this stuff, never had to deal with lawyers before and I am scared. I realize now I've been so codependent of my wife for so long, I feel lost now. A real wuss, sorry to admit. She was maybe right when she was sometimes mockingly calling me "her 3rd child". And now I see how they, "the adults" were planning their and my life all along..

What I'm seeing in this statement is that you are becoming empowered. Sometimes around here it's called "waking up." I can seriously see your strength taking hold here.

I also found out I live in one of those "two-party consent" states so my Zoom recording was illegal, and cannot record anything other interactions with them.

So I'm *not* a lawyer. That said, I'm 100% certain that there are exceptions to the so-called "two-party consent" laws. One of them, I think, is if you believe the recording will collect evidence of a serious crime. Which is what this is or likely is.

Please do not destroy your recording. You are not in any danger of getting in trouble. Just put it in a safe place and don't tell WW or AP you have it.

Talk to your lawyer about what you can and can't record. If I were you, I'd have a voice-activated recorder in my pocket at all times. And, by the way, I *did* have one when I was going through my infidelity situation, and I was glad I did.

This is an emergency. This is a potential high damage case. Keep telling them that.

I do also agree very much that as you call law offices you should be mentioning that this is an emergency and time is of the essence.

Keep posting! Again, great job!

This is what a lawyer will help you work through. You need that advice. I cannot give legal advice. Legal advice would look different in this situation. It will involve how the laws in place impact your situation.

You need to discuss this situation, with all the facts, with an attorney. Be honest and tell them everything.

The two big red flags, and the reason you need legal advice, are the same as before.

First, a new job may have a probationary period or be employment "at will.". This means you can be fired without much recourse more than likely. Some employment is by contract too, but you should have a lawyer review it if it is.

Also, they are considering giving you a job, for equal pay, based almost solely on the OM's recommendation.

These are huge issues you need professional advice to examine.

First, by voluntarially quitting the position with the OM, you COULD be waiving certain legal protections you might have right now. (Again, I don't practice in this area. You need a lawyer in your area to tell you.)

Second, by taking another position there might be a probationary period where it's even easier to get rid of you (again, I can't give legal advice here, you need a lawyer in your area to help you).

My friend, you are about to go through what is likely to be the most emotionally traumatic period of your life. In my own experience, that emotional trauma impacts the quality of your work. You're running on shock right now. That runs out. Taking a new job might be awesome or you might break down first.

And, if there is a divorce and your WW and OM become an item, how do you think a new employer will look at OMs recommendation? How do you think they treat you as a result? Again, I have no idea. You need to talk to a lawyer in your area about it who can give you legal advice.

I am proud of you for making the calls. Get to talk to a lawyer about it and then make your decision. Just talk with one about it all first.

Your still being naive. If he can get you in through the back door, he can get you out..

You moving job locations may be beneficial eventually but not until after you have rectified what has happened against you and definitely not before you have consulted with a lawyer.

You hold all the cards.

If you roll over and play dead, you will stink to high heaven, and the only thing left for them to do is to bury you. And they are trying to bury you with a smile all over their face, and you are letting them.

I know your since of self worth has taken a hammering. We can all attest to that.

Eventually, you will hit the anger stage of this grief period. I hope for your sake, and for the sake of your children, it arrives quickly.

We have all had these situations thrust upon us. I wish I had a multitude of support behind me when I went through my infidelity. It changed my life. The direction and expectations. Don't let this happen to you.

Zoom notified all parties in the session that the session ie being recorded. This is consent.

Anther huge red flag here is them "creating a position" for you.

Universities have been hit hard by covid. Many are in hiring freezes. Many will have reduced budgets and layoffs.

I would be SURE to mention this to a lawyer because frankly it makes me incredibly nervous for you.

A position created can be eliminated. And if you're laid off because the position is eliminated what's the recourse? I do not know and I think you need legal advice before you accept anything and possibly find out.

Just to clarify a relevant part of the timeline (esp. for Waggingdog who referred to some of this earlier, and since I had to do it for the lawyers' screening form).

AP urges me to start looking for another job "as soon as possible" (and he promises help with that and good referrals etc.) because he finds it "impossible" to have my continued presence at the same work place would "create a toxic work environment for my wife" (!).

After I expressed distress that I now have to look for a job and have job interviews etc. in the middle of the pandemic, when I am also devastated by the discovery of their affair,

Unfortunately there is not much written proof about all that from him. We communicated about all this sensitive stuff (their affair and his initial request to me find another job "as soon as possible") by emails pointing to shared Google docs where the actual content of the discussion was. I only made a copy of one of those shared documents from him and now I see that all those other few docs he shared were deleted (obviously, as you predicted).

[This message edited by lbh50 at 5:06 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Zoom notified all parties in the session that the session is being recorded. This is consent.

Unfortunately I did not use that built-in feature, I was afraid he might refuse to talk (and I had no idea at the time I was in a two-party consent state).

I used a separate software to record the whole talk so they would not know it.. :(

Anther huge red flag here is them "creating a position" for you.

Universities have been hit hard by covid. Many are in hiring freezes. Many will have reduced budgets and layoffs.

This is actually not an University, is a non-profit, privately funded research institute that was not hit that hard. They haven't even had to freeze hiring or the 401k benefits etc. as opposed to the university where I/AP/WW work now.

4/2/2020 Prof. urges me to start looking for another job "as soon as possible" (and he promises help with that and good referrals etc.) because he finds it "impossible" to continue to be my direct supervisor and my continued presence at the same work place (our 3 offices are on the same corridor) would "create a toxic work environment for my wife" (!). He also claims that coincidentally he is running out of funding lately for "expensive" positions like mine.

That is a threat to you.

Glad your are moving on this. From an outsider looking in he is going to move you out one way or the other whether you like it or not.

Speed is of the essence.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:07 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Keep the documents and zoom call recording safe. Seriously. Out of the house safe. Multiple copies safe. Uploaded to two email accounts you create now safe. Save them as your lawyer instructs you safe.

Start taking copious notes of what happens each day and have them saved securely. Do not share that you're doing this with anyone. Save any other emails or documents in a way the lawyer instructs.

Without revealing which, is this a state university or private? If it's a state university, know that it may be possible you can use a freedom of information act request to pull his university email exchanges with your WW. Do not do that now. It also depends on the records retention schedule. Talk about that with a lawyer. It's unlikely they can scrub that if it's on a university server or cloud.

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

This is actually not an University, is a non-profit, privately funded research institute that was not hit that hard. They haven't even had to freeze hiring or the 401k benefits etc. as opposed to the university where I/AP/WW work now.

Nothing really matters. He's/they are planning to get rid of you one way or the other.

Move faster!!!!!

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

You need a lawyer so badly right now. This has all the earmarks of something sinister.

Lbh50, Sorry you are here, but glad to see you’ve obtained legal representation. That is the first step to looking after the interests of your kids and yourself. Large organizations are notoriously averse to legal action. If you have a strong case (and it seems to me you do), you may get a large settlement, a new job, or both.

Your boss is a snake, and snakes are dangerous. Treat him as such, but do not fear him. Danger is real, fear is a choice. An understandable choice, but a counterproductive one too.

To date, all of his actions are to protect himself first and foremost. Removing you from the work situation and limiting your ability to seek damages only help him. Don’t help him unless it disproportionately benefits you.