SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Again what Chamomile Tea says word for word.

I never really advocate getting angry, but this is one where you seem to be content in being a door mat. Letting Prof have Your WW, family, possessions, job and self respect.

Seek legal advice, IC as well WW has been living in a past 12 year ago event. This has justified her actions for the last 10 years. No!

One day at a time,

Buffer

I did record the audio of the Zoom call

Awesome...this is a great move on your part. Make multiple copies, hide them, and absolutely do not tell your WW you have this recording until you have sent it to OBS. Do not tell your WW that you are going to inform OBS as she might try to warn AP and he may try to intercept it.

he was saying how he's considering very seriously to tell his wife and separate etc. (as he was going for option 1).

I honestly don't get why people here don't seem to get that the option 1 they are getting so upset about was actually came from you. You're the one who suggested it and

he's told you he's thinking about doing that. Did you give then a timescale to make a decision?

You have no way of knowing what he tells his BW, he could tell her it was a one night stand, a couple of months, an EA, anything. The wife deserves the truth, especially if you all live in an at fault jurisdiction. It could affect the outcome of any divorce payout for her. You need to provide her with the relevant information because her husband isn't going to!

You have the ability to become the strongest, most in-control person in this situation.

he was saying how he's considering very seriously to tell his wife and separate etc

lbh50, it's not his choice. It's yours.

She's a horrible mother . A good mother sets a good example.

A good mother doesn't expose the father of her children to deadly stds.

A good mother doesn't steal time from her children, to spend with another man.

A good mother doesn't risk her children's happiness, security, and family, for another man.

A good mother doesn't choose another man over her family.

A good mother doesn't do any of the shit she has done in the past 10 years.

There is so much more to being a good mother than loving your kids.

She has betrayed those children, every bit as much as she has betrayed you.

And why are you allowing this POS to manipulate you into being a man with zero integrity? Tell his wife. Good God. She deserves the truth. Right now, he is hiding money from her, getting his ducks lines up, so he can screw her over. And you know!!

By keeping quiet, you're his best friend. He gets to fuck your wife, for TEN YEARS , and you will keep things quiet for him.

Man, come on. You're better than this.

So, if you woke up at 2 a.m. and heard a noise downstairs, and you found burglars robbing your home, your response would be to go down and make them sandwiches, offer them a beer, and drive them home once they had filled the duffle bags you gave them with all your best stuff?

Is that any different to what you are doing with your marriage and family?

That professor is an unprincipled, unprofessional, immoral liar and thief. And so is your wife. Why are you assisting them to crap all over you and the professor's wife?

What they are doing is not right, so why cover for them, and help them do it?

What lessons are your children going to learn from all of this? That other people have the right to walk into their homes, their lives, their marriages, and their families, and just take whatever they like without facing an ounce of opposition or resistance?

Is that a healthy example to set them? Is that healthy for you?

And your wife is telling you to act happy so that your kids do not develop issues with her???

Your approach to this is not going to bring anything good into your life, or the lives of your kids. Right now, you have the power to blow your wife and her corrupt older boyfriend right off the rails, and the two of them know that. That is why the professor has backed down on the job issue, and thrown you some breadcrumbs, and why he gave you that airbrushed account of his relationship with your wife.

You need to think about this: once you help the two of them present a total lie to the world about how your marriage fell apart, and the professor's marriage fell apart, and then - who'd a thunk it??? - the professor and your wife fell in love quite legitimately as two single divorcees, and got together, HOW MUCH POWER ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THE PROFESSOR AND YOUR WIFE KEEP YOU AROUND?

Once they are a legitimate couple in the eyes of the world, they do not need you. You will always have the capacity to tell people what really happened, and how grossly immoral and unprofessional both of them have been, and that makes you dangerous to them.

The second they can present themselves as a blameless, decent, legitimate professional couple whose divorces just happened to coincide by complete chance, you are going to be blown out of the airlock so fast it will make your head spin.

And once that is done, they can walk around campus arm in arm, with people saying, "Isn't it lovely that those two got together after they both got divorced? Whatever happened to her husband? Oh, his contract wasn't renewed.

Bummer."

The only people who benefit from this are your wife and her boyfriend. The professor's wife loses, you lose, your kids lose.

Why help the bad guys?

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:30 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

As much as I hate the phrase, its time for you to "man up", get an attorney and fry her ass. His as well.

In other words, listen and learn from everyone here thats given you advice.

I don’t usually use this phrase but you need to man up.

Blow the fucker’s world apart. And your wife’s deranged fantasy.

If you don’t, you’ll be the laughing stock of the people around you.

Head to HR now. NOW! And tell his wife for fuck’s sake.

10 year affair. Say it to yourself. 10 years. Jesus, that’s horrific.

To all those pushing for the "scorched-earth" strategy and to "blow them up": I am not a vengeful man and I don't see things in black and white because they just aren't. This is not about some macho revenge against a cheating wife and her lover. It's a disaster for me personally, but it can get even worse for the children and for our co-parenting prospects if I just declare war and destroy my wife's life. We can separate and co-parent while still being civil about it. And no, I do not plan to be a "willing cuckold" or accept an open marriage etc. If she cannot stop the affair she has to move out. That much is clear, she understands that too and so do the children.

I know the argument -- she destroyed my (emotional) life, so I should do the same. I am not like that. And please don't tell me what my children are going to think about me if I do not take that bellicose approach -- they are old enough to understand the complexity of the situation and we already talked about all these, what are the best options moving forward so their lives are not damaged even more.

Yes, they are on my side, but when I asked them directly how would they feel if I just exposed her affair to HR, hire lawyers etc. and likely destroy their mother's professional life in the process, they weren't that comfortable with that either. And it's understandable. They do blame their mom and especially the AP for making that a possibility. They lost their respect for their mother and condemn her for what she did to me.. but it's still their mother and they still love her (she did not really cheat on them, but on me; she doesn't love me, but she still loves them -- yes, that can be true, in spite of her long time affair). They also know how passionate she is about her work, and that professionally she is not a fraud, she really is brilliant and hard working (I could confirm that to them because I have worked with her, and they have seen her working after hours and in weekends etc.).

Yes, she made a terrible mistake cheating on me like she did, double life and all, and our marriage is likely over, but we can compartmentalize, it's not about just hotheaded passion for revenge or justice, just for the sake of punishing her for that huge mistake and destroy her life in the process.

I think Okokok summarized the situation and my options very wisely when he wrote:

There are three paths forward for any husband in the wake of DDay. Here they are:

1) Reconcile with your wife. This takes two people doing incredibly hard work for an approximate period of 2-5 years, and then of course the lifetime beyond that. There is no guarantee that it will work, and your wife needs to come with you. It's not something you can do on your own.

2) Divorce your wife. You can do this on your own.

3) Do nothing, really. Your wife continues to have a boyfriend (they may go deeper underground for your "comfort"), but you get to keep your "marriage." You can keep your house, you can all continue working together, etc. You can probably even go to dinner parties and have sex with her once in a while.

Do not fool yourself into thinking there is a fourth option. There isn't.

So you need to answer a big question: which one of these options do you really, really want?

For several days after Dday I was clinging desperately to 1) but lately I have become more and more convinced that she is just not going to be there with me, and as you said I cannot do that by myself. So now I am trying to detach, let go and accept that path 2) is the one I'll have to take. But I see that path a bit more nuanced: it's about separation at first, not divorce, at least for now, until the children are out of college etc. We can have a civilized discussion about that, about co-parenting etc. and her still supporting the house and the kids while she moves out (with or without him, doesn't really matter). She already accepted that as the likely possibility moving forward.

Path 3) is an abomination, I do not want that. I won't put it past her to attempt that, as I see she is still very wary and ashamed of the idea of telling our families and friends about the affair, so she might want to go back to how things were, to keep the appearances etc. -- but no, I and the children discussed that, it's either path 1) or path 2) (and 2) meaning she leaves the house). For now, still being in covid lockdown we are not pushing her to pick either of these paths, but we'll have a very serious discussion when this is over.

For those of you who asked about me getting IC - thank you for caring, I have already started seeing a therapist (teletherapy), I'll have the 2nd session this Wednesday.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 4:42 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

If you were his wife would you want to know?

There’s nothing revengeful about that.

Just common decency.

BeyondRage wrote:

My guess is you are not going to get too many responses encouraging your current course of action. Your wife refuses to stop having sex with another man and you are going to live with it as is, and after ten years there is no doubt you have been replaced as her primary love since she refuses to give him up.

My only worry is that she is going to try to fool us (she had a lot of practice with that all these years). So I have to plan for that. She cannot pretend to still be in limbo, she has to make a firm choice -- stay and commit to work on the marriage (which seems very unlikely) or move out, because she cannot be trusted to just stop the affair.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 4:44 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

It's not about revenge. It is about doing the right thing. I get not blowing up her job. You are expected to be treated fairly. You will not. They already hinted at how this can and will effect your job. You could be transferred or fired. Or forced to find new employment. Blowing up the affair does not mean revenge. It allows you to control the narrative. To not allow them to make you the villain. It allows his wife to know the truth of her marriage without being blindsided. Informing HR allows them to see if there were any improprieties going on. Did others lose opportunities because he was sleeping with your wife. Telling others help build a supportive group around you. But it is your choice. But I only ask one thing. Tell his wife. She has a right to know.

If you have recorded the insane conversation you had with the deranged parties involved contact HR immediately. Book a meeting without telling anyone.....this is your only trump card....this will determine how you will survive.

This is it....don't talk to anyone, don't blink, don't waiver.....this is your only opportunity to protect yourself.

You may believe you are trying to protect the other parties....but they are already plotting against you...and have been for 10+ years.

Do it, and deal with aftermath later....you will only have this one chance...it's this or severe depression for the next five years.

This is the moment of truth we all would love to have again.....please hear us all....it's over...she is gone....but she will try and convince you otherwise.

She is gone....protect yourself and your children against this domestic abuse......that's what it is....you have been abused and are trying to protect your abuser.

[This message edited by LostandFound75 at 11:44 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Carissima,

You're the one who suggested it and he's told you he's thinking about doing that. Did you give then a timescale to make a decision?

Unfortunately no, I did not set a deadline.. (was too hurt/confused when he jumped so quickly on option 1). However my whole point in that talk with them was "stopping the deceit", so the affair should stop too unless they decide to take their relationship in the open as I asked.

Of course that is going to be hard to enforce. So once we're out of lockdown and they'll start going to work, I will have to push firmly for a decision..

The one thing you should realize by now all cheaters lie a lot. They are both proven liars. You can’t trust anything either one of them say.

This isn't about torches and pitchforks. It's about you living in a one-bedroom apartment, alone, possibly jobless while your WW and her lover run off into the sunset, taking your financial security, your self-respect, and your social standing with them. It's also about the other betrayed party who is quite likely going to be defrauded in her divorce settlement because she doesn't have all the facts.

I had my DDay five years ago, and honest to God if my WH had thought for a single moment that I wasn't dead serious when I told him I was divorcing him, he'd have never stopped cheating. I swung for the fence on divorce, started 180 before I even knew what it was, and within a few days, it was HIM asking ME for thirty days to prove he could be trusted. No doubt he did the math and realized he was about to lose everything; his wife, his home, the respect of his children, half his worldly goods, and half his retirement prospects.

Cheaters don't respond to "nice". They don't alter course for "civility". These are two people who have been doing you dirty for the last ten years. Do you really think they're going to start prioritizing YOUR needs now? Your wife's AP is already sword-rattling at you about "a hostile work environment", when all the while, YOU are the guy who has a big, fat, legal case if you choose to pull the trigger on it.

People come in here shell-shocked all the time, and we see them try the path of least resistance. That's natural. It's hard to rock the boat when your whole world is crumbling around you. We get that. But man, I don't see how that lonely-ass one-bedroom apartment doesn't eventually become your future. It's not about the torches and pitchforks or hating on the cheater. The worry is for YOU and for what's going to happen to you if you don't defend yourself.

Strength and healing to you.

Listen to what everyone is saying...we have all been through this.

Your marriage is over...it is done, your holding on to memories.

Protect yourself, this is your only opportunity!!

She doesn't care, he doesn't care...send the recording to HR and to his wife.

You may not want to hear what everyone here is telling you, but we all wish we could do it over and listen to the advice given to us here.

Destroy their bubble, and then pick up the pieces....it will take years off the healing you will go through.

[This message edited by LostandFound75 at 12:01 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Unfortunately no, I did not set a deadline.

At this time you are keeping yourself in limbo. No one else can do that but you.

You’re an honest decent guy. Don’t project that onto them. They are the opposite of you. I knows it’s hard to realize that but you do need to wake up to who you’re dealing with.

Trying to be a noble martyr in these situations won’t get you much. Plus your kids are looking on.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:58 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]