SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry, you are deluding yourself and making every possible excuse for your wife -- you were not the best husband you could be 20 years ago and somehow that justifies her leading a double life? Her boss preyed on her and now she can't let him go? She wants out, let her out.

The truth is, you were discarded years ago, it's just out in the open now. Do the right thing for the innocents in this mess. That includes not just you and your kids, but his wife. Your youngest will not thank you for keeping up a lie to pay his/her college fees. Pick up what is left of your self-respect and see an attorney asap. Then book some individual counseling too. Do not even consider marriage counseling, your marriage has been over for years.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 9:31 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

This woman has humiliated you and her entire family in the WORST possible way, stop ALLOWING her to do that, man up and BLOW this thing up out of the water and EXPOSE the A with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) TODAY !!. You need to speak with an attorney ASAP, actually two attorneys, one for the D and another one for the sexual harassment lawsuit. Also EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends and make sure you name POSOM. Wake up ! you're in the fight of your life, protect your children and yourself financially, lawyer up NOW !!!

Sorry, but basically reading what you have written, it appears for whatever reason you have decided to accept the open marriage that you are not knowingly in.

The financial part is easy to understand not want her to lose her job, but no telling his wife makes no sense at all.

I'm really not sure how anyone can give you advice. this forum I believe assumes you have posted because you want to get OUT OF INFIDELITY but it appears you have calculated that is not possible.

My guess is you are not going to get too many responses encouraging your current course of action. Your wife refuses to stop having sex with another man and you are going to live with it as is, and after ten years there is no doubt you have been replaced as her primary love since she refuses to give him up.

I am not trying to be mean or smart but there are alternative forums fo non monogamous or polyamorous relationships where you might get better advice on how to cope and deal with your emotions.

Obviously, if you decide you want this affair ended and are willing to listen to what you are going to be told, then this is the place for you.

The thing you just don’t get yet is your wife is just a typical cheater. There is nothing special about this at all. She for the most part is just following what we call the cheater script.

Get strong, stay there and deal with this. Kids learn most from parents. Now that they and you know. What will you teach them?

You or they deserved your wayward wife blowing up the marriage and family. She’s nothing more than an entitled cake eater.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:08 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

You probably have been subtly limited in your career by theAP. Even if not, you probably can demonstrate some benefit that you were passed over for somewhere. I expect you have a claim that will make your kids secure indefinitely.

See a lawyer that works in employment law right now. I bet when things start getting litigated you will have offers of settlement that will make your head spin.

Also, given how you describe how your wife has been treating you for the last ten years, you should definitely divorce her, and demand child support from her.

You really are in the drivers seat here. Just don't threaten them. Act to assert your claims

Stop giving THEM the upper hand, stop telling them what you're going to do.

And I emphasize THEM,there's Them and You. They are plotting against you right now. Time isn't on your side; you're going to get blind sided again.

DNA your kids, I see a few BSs here say there were problems in the M that started the A; when, in reality, the seeds of the affair was planted a long time ago.

When an affair starts, the WS has cognitive dissonance, "I'm doing something I know is wrong, but I'm not a bad person ".

They start marriage re-write, over emphasizing your faults, arguing with you over nothing, etc.

You said she started working with him 20 years ago, Sorry to tell this, your son may not be yours.

Do nothing and you'll find yourself cast to the side. This isn't an affair, this is a long term relationship kept in secret.

Your wife has no respect for, everything you have stated indicates she's protecting him &herself, never you.

Stop smoking the hopium, and go find your self respect. Right now you have a law suit against the institution, but given time they (THEM) will dissolve that.

Logical scenario: both AP & WW divorce, then months later make public they're together - you say anything after that is dismissed as the rant of a jealous X-husband.

Do something now, no matter what the outcome, you still have to live with yourself. Make sure when you look in the mirror you like what you see.

Stop smoking the hopium, and go find your self respect.

^^^^^^ this

I really feel for you Ibh50. Many people are going to be really tough on you here to try and get you to stand up for yourself and I know that’s really hard when you’re so deeply hurt and in the emotional turmoil of it.

I see so many similarities between your situation and mine...I worked with my WH and OW too. And yes the OW had the freaking nerve to tell me that I was creating a hostile work environment for her after Dday...still makes me pissed to remember that after 5 years, so I feel so angry reading that in your story too. You could so easily sue them for making your work environment hostile.

Did you record the Zoom call??? Omg I hope you did. That would be so great and you could use it for so much....but especially for telling the OBS.

AP probably prepped his wife with a bunch of crap about you being crazy or paranoid or whatever, but if you have that Zoom recording, Boom!

So I totally get that you don’t want to blow up your WWs career. Of your options 1 or 2 in the Zoom call, you gotta go with 1. Option 2 will just kill you slowly over time. I know because I tried it and it was hell. Luckily for me, OW had dumped my WH already and WH took charge to get us out of that work situation and away from OW. You do not have that luxury.

Protect yourself!

Your WW and AP do not give a shit about you. Please look out for yourself!

[This message edited by LizM at 12:33 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

You want to be a willing cuckold? What image do you want your children to have? What belief in marriage and commitment do you want them to have? You want to live like this so you can have a nice house?

You've had a lot of extremely good input already. Listen to it. Act on it. Tell his wife. Don't tell your that you're going to. Tell everyone. Get the two shark lawyers as recommended. Get angry. Get some pride. Get DNA tests on your children.

I don't think you're going to do anything. Prove me wrong. Very wrong.

Get a lawyer. Tell his wife. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WIFE'S DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

I don't usually post here, but this is an extraordinary case....or really not so much....pretty well the same as the thousands of others on here.

OP, unfortunately no matter what you do at this time I believe you will not be with your wife in 6-12 months. She has invested too many years into this double life and disrespected you for so long that it would be impossible to make this work ever again.

You will have to decide how you will end up, alone in a one bedroom apartment, jobless, and depressed...or head held high, respect of your children, your job, 50% or more of everything you've worked hard for throughout your life, and the best and most important....respect for yourself.

This sucks..(read through the forum) there are thousands upon thousands of stories like this and they all end up the same.

Your wife checked out long ago...and the plan was put into place by someone who has zero respect for you. I would consider this as being brainwashed by a cult leader....this is 10 years (probably more...they never come clean straight away...or ever)...of psychological abuse. You will shake your head in a few years when you come back and read your thread....it's that crazy....zooming both parties

You may not see it now, but you have been used, abused, and manipulated over a long amount of time. You will need therapy immediately...a lawyer immediately....and hopefully friends and family to help to navigate the next several years....that isn't an exaggeration....this will take many years to work out in your head....the abuse here is overwhelming.

Go to "I can relate" page and read through that as well. Take care...and although it doesn't make sense at the moment....everyone giving you advice on here...now...has wished they had followed the advice given to them when they first posted.

This will be the hardest thing you have ever done and ever will do in your life...welcome to the sh*tshow....enjoy the ride the best you can....it will be long and bumpy.....ask anything you want...but please listen and act....no one here is trying to manipulate you or set you up....you have already had that done to you by multiple people you trusted...we are not them.

lbh50,

Please consider the implications of the lesson you are giving your kid:

"Son, sometimes people do terrible things. However, for money (your college education) I sold my pride, marriage, and family to this other man. I hope you will be just like dear ol' dad one day."

lbh50, it's time to let go of materialism and assume that you finally learned this information after ten years solely for the purpose of being God's wrath.

I second the call for scorched earth. You have a lot of power here. Your wife's OM (other man) has broken so many ethical laws that it's almost breathtaking. You will sue the university and pay for both your kid's college AND have a nice package left over to retire to someplace tropical and never think about this crap again.

I also think you are 100% correct that your boss is a predator who lurked around looking for a young wife going through a hard time. What, at an absolute minimum, should happen to such a man? Keep his job and run off with the prize?

He was very generous with your family? Was that just because of twinges of conscience, or was that him sinking his evil claws in deeper?

Make him a cautionary tale to every would-be seducer at the college forever.

I hope you find your strength and let go of your material fears. Start by calling the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and the university president. Do not warn, and don't try to make plans. Just get your first shot off and roll with whatever happens.

Lots of great points here. Just reemphasizing, she has been messing with your head and emotions for many years now. That has had an effect on you you are not clearly aware of at this point. I like the idea of feeling the anger to fuel yourself to action, but keeping your actions to the facts. Cool and collected, getting the job done. No need to editorialize at the job or his wife when you report what has happened. Just the facts are all they need. They stand more solid all by themselves and people can't argue against them and attempt to drag you into anything.

You say you were mean and cruel many years ago. That was and is on the table. Honest people work through it, or move on. The deceit involved with over 10 years of betrayal, Not the response of a good woman. Lying to you AND HER CHILDREN thousands upon thousands of times. Lying to collegues and friends. For years. This is not a response to you.

Take care and I promise, the nice house is worth nothing compared to your sanity and freedom when all is said and done.

Pretty much what everyone here has said is true.

You have ZERO responsibility for the affair regardless of how bad of a husband you were. She could have divorced you.

As to the money your kids will need as an excuse to allow things to go on... I have a great idea. If you are OK with your wife fucking other guys as long as your financial situation remains good then I urge you to be more ambitious and pimp her out. Because that's how much self respect you are showing.

Your kids deserve better, you deserve better. You need to get out of the marriage or let your kids know that their father doesn't have the strength to do a damn thing about their mother screwing another guy.

Usually I feel very sorry for someone who has been cheated on because I was too but in your case I just feel angry that you let this go on for this long and still haven't found the strentgh to put an end to it.

I hope that you'll heed the advice for the others here are they are showing a lot more understanding than I am but for God's sake - get off your ass and start rebuilding what's left of your life.

Down deep you know that the right thing to do is divorce this woman. You should inform HR of the affair, inform the AP's wife, get tested for STDs, get your financial affairs in order and get the meanest SOB divorce lawyer you can find.

Thank you LizM for your support and understanding.

This sounds like a very realistic insight. I do understand that option 2 could be just dragging a dead marriage, hopelessly -- after such a long affair it is hard or even impossible for her to come back. Besides, I am not sure that I could really love her, as much as I may feel it now -- if her heart is still not going to be in our marriage but she'll be longing for him, for "what could have been" etc.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 4:40 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

You will have to decide how you will end up, alone in a one bedroom apartment, jobless, and depressed...or head held high, respect of your children, your job, 50% or more of everything you've worked hard for throughout your life, and the best and most important....respect for yourself.

So much this ^^^^

The advice you're getting isn't about grabbing up our torches and pitchforks and hating on a cheater. Some of us are still living with our cheaters having reconciled the marriage. But these guys are right, your situation is simultaneously both garden-variety-cheater-script and overtly egregious.

I don't usually recommend people go straight to D, neither do a few of the others who posted to you. But you are right on the precipice of getting kicked downhill into that one-bedroom apartment, alone, while your WW makes off with everything, including impression management with your kids and your social circle. And honestly, it sounds like you're depressed enough to think you somehow deserve it. But THIS is also common knowledge at SI... cheating is about the cheater. It's never about the BS because marriages don't cheat. People do. It's about CHARACTER. From the day you met your WW, there was always a hole in her character which had the capacity to say "yes" to perfidy. People with integrity, who BELIEVE in their stated values, can't abandon their own belief system. Bottom line, your WW does NOT share your values and never has. You didn't cause this. It was already there, just dormant and waiting to be acted upon.

Please consider seeing your doctor for a depression screening. Depression can make you feel like nothing really matters. But it's an illusion. It's a layer of mud which colors your whole world view. It saps your energy. Remember though that parents teach their children how to navigate the world, and yours are looking to you for an example. Be mindful of what they're learning. You might think it's a noble thing to fall on your sword in order to provide those college dollars, but that's not the lesson your youngsters will take away.

he was saying how he's considering very seriously to tell his wife and separate etc.

A truly pensive fellow. Serious indeed.

I do hope you see the absurdity in all of this. You are in the midst of a trauma situation; please remember that none of this is "normal" or "ok."

Regardless of what happens and what road you travel, it is imperative that you inform this man's wife. I agree with some other posters that he could already be warning her, so it's important to keep that Zoom recording in a very safe place.

Informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse) often explodes an affair. The AP (affair partner) often throws the WS (wayward spouse) totally under the bus in order to save his own marriage.

But perhaps even more importantly, if you *don't* inform her, then *you* are participating in her betrayal. You wouldn't want someone to do that to you. The fact that this guy is "seriously considering" telling his wife is absolutely sociopathic. This woman deserves to know the reality of her life, and lbh50, she could become an ally for you here.

The amount that this man has manipulated your life and career is staggering. You could make a million dollars off your settlement with the college.

However, it's possible now that he knows that you know that he's already mounting an offense against *you*. You really need to get out in front of this. Not kidding. Your life and well-being is at stake here.

But the question still remains: what do you really want now? You've had a month of this. Where would you like to be a month from now? A year? 10 years?

You are a victim of your own grandiloquence. Take some action to get out of infidelity. This guy cannot be your boss now, also his wife should know what he is.

[This message edited by Smillie at 3:45 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

I read stories like this and shake my head. Not that I did not consider my own deficiencies as a cause for a brief time. But, seriously, man, you are an extreme example of someone doing this and also accepting ongoing abuse and humiliation. If you were a friend of mine acting like this, taking this attitude, I would shake you. This, simply, is not normal or healthy.

Why have you not told his wife? Why let your wife treat you like dirt? Who in his right mind thinks a cheating wife is a good person?

You need to get a grip on reality.

Ask yourself how you got this way.

And, BTW, I am sorry for your pain.

Ibh,

I realize that you’re probably still in shock and grasping for something to hold on to. This is a club that none of us wanted to be. But you are HERE and really need to deal with it. You’ve been given a tremendous amount of support and GREAT advice since you first posted. I hope that you are listening.

2 x 4 coming. The AP has taken your wife, your job and your self esteem and you seem content to aid and enable him (and your WW). What kind of role model are you being for your kids? It seems even they have more of an issue with what your WW is doing than you do. You say you were trying to be the better man. NO, you are being the weakest, poorest version of yourself that you can be.

Your WW checked out of your M years ago. She is telling you to your face that she’s not going to give her AP up. Let that sink in. File for D NOW.

The AP wants to gently exit his marriage and look like the good guy. Let the OBS know that this has been a 10-year affair NOW. At the very minimum, she deserves to know the facts and be empowered to make her decisions based on them.

The AP is using his position to take your job away - and your WW is ok with that – so they can carry on their A with as little scrutiny as possible. You need to file a complaint with the University. Do not roll over on this one.

Take control of this situation and your life. The benefits to you – both psychologically, emotionally and monetarily would be enormous.