SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS spouses who decided on reconciliation, How did you feel 4, 5 6 months out after learning your partner cheated.

I have done extensive research as a WS and in terms, I want to learn what my BS is going through, I want to fully get it so I can help him heal and would like to hear from other BS who decided on reconciliation and how you felt 4-6 months after DD.

He wants to forget it and has a hard time when he gets angry.

He said thoughts of the A flood his mind, He is angry, he picks fights to release the anger.

I just wanna sit and talk without him screaming at me.

I am trying to fix this marriage.

IC MC etc is out of the question I even suggested our pastor but he does not want to. If we do he thinks there's something wrong me preventing me forever being faithful.

If we separated for a brief period, he stated we will NEVER get back together.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 5:04 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

I was still dealing with a lot of anger, still having a lot of triggers, still trying to understand who this person was that I was dealing with. I was trying to figure out how to heal, how to stop allowing for this horrible situation to overtake me. And trying really hard to make sense of how to show up for myself and stop putting my hopes into a person that had already showed me what they’re capable of.

Much like your BS. Still trying to come to terms with the deceit, and how someone who supposedly loved me could do such a shitty thing, then lie about it, and be gaslighting/aggressive with it, instead of showing instant sorrow and remorse, as I'd read some WS do. I guess that bit is dependent on how you behaved.

Still lots of mind movies and triggers, fluctuating between rage and sadness, and depression/anger at having so many questions I felt I needed answers to, but had to specifically ask to get. Nothing was completely volunteered. He didn't appear to be working on anything (by reading or arranging IC or anything) while I was trawling through SI and books in order to try and understand everything. A sense of loneliness that I was the only one bothered about making an effort, due to that. Uncertainty about the future because of it. Lots of extreme emotions.

I don't think you understand the depths of emotion involved in finding out you were betrayed, if you are expecting more/better after only 4 months. And that implies that you haven't owned it, or done sufficient work on yourself and reassuring BS yet. 4 months is a drop in the ocean, BS will possibly be relating this to the length of the A too.

[This message edited by Hickoryapple at 5:30 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

At 4 months out I was still trying to figure out how the love of my life had become a complete stranger.

I was suicidal most of the time. I didn't want to die per se, I just wanted the pain to stop. I spent most nights on the phone with the suicide prevention people. I even wrote goodbye letters to my adult daughters.

It wasnt long after that that the rage hit. It was so all consuming. I have never felt anything like it. It cycled back and forth for years.

I wish I could say things were better. They arent. To me, it feels like the person I loved so much, died. I'm still mourning that loss.

My life as I knew it ended that August morning. There is nothing left untouched by what my cheater chose to do to me. To my life. I cant believe this is my life now. Still. Even after almost 4 years.

I filed for D at that point. But my cheater had broken NC. I never even confronted him after that. I was just done and there really wasn't anything to discuss or fight over at that point. He never saw it coming, just like I never saw his betrayal coming.

The fact that you want to attempt to understand your BS is already 10X more work than he was capable of.

Tremendous rage, overwhelming sadness, huge self doubt and self-flagellation for not trusting my gut, incredible difficulty controlling my emotions and a wish/desire to be dead, simply so the pain would stop.

Some days I could barely get out of bed, and was so overwhelmed that I was almost catatonic.

So, essentially, still in shock at 4-6 months out. In deep need of kindness. Crying daily. Wanting to put it behind me but unable to (obviously way too soon!)

Rollercoaster. One moment okay, the next needy, the next fiercely independent, the next shouty, the next laughing hysterically, the next crying hysterically, sometimes just sitting quietly with tears slowly dripping down my face, no sound.

Like I was trapped. Then like we had a new start. Then like I was trapped. Repeat cycle.

Some days I thought about it 20 times. some 40. some more.

Like I was setting myself up. Like I never knew him. He was the enemy. But, he wouldn't do this s again after all this pain, would he?

Like a fraud-I never would have thought I would stay.

In other words, I felt like a lunatic. Still do some days.

Hi there PAMom45,

A couple of things.

First, different people process trauma (or not) at different rates so it might be difficult to make direct comparisons between your BS and other BS's who might be responding to this thread.

Second, you talk a lot about him being mad at you, yelling at you, having illogical triggers, etc. It feels crummy, I know. One of the best things you can do is start developing some tools for dealing with difficult feelings without over-identifying with them or getting swept away by them. A mindfulness practice with daily meditation as its foundation can really help. You can train your mind to have enough space to hold whatever is going on in the moment so that you can stay present and not shut down even if he's yelling at you. I cannot emphasize enough how much it has helped me.

Third, you seem to be a lot focused on fixing your husband and your marriage but truly the only thing you have complete influence over is fixing you. My BS could not begin to feel safe until I had done a lot of work to figure out how and why I had been able to betray him and was taking steps to change that thinking. It was a long process.

Focus on fixing you.

My world had shifted titanicly. I didn’t no up or down or what I was doing very often. Nothing made sense. Suddenly my life was not mine. I was like I gotta a lie. It’s not just the affair, it’s the lack of communication prior. I had no clue. Who was this person I married? Why am I crying in a meeting? Why am I on the floor in the shower? Why did I walk in this room? It was maddening! The thoughts were so consuming I less mental hand width than a goldfish.

I did know every spot to hide and cry at work.

I did know every place to pull off the road and cry

I did know secluded spots to yell and scream on my way home

I know what it’s like to feel like you are going crazy

I know what it is like to crack and wake up in a friends back yard (no drinking or drugs)

I know what it’s like to start driving into oncoming traffic before realizing it.

I know what it’s like to have a friend watch my daughter for me because I couldn’t. She looks so much like my wife. I couldn’t. I cried every time I saw her. My princess.... 2 and 1/2 years later I’m crying as I type this out.

You will never understand unless you have been there.

However, I would kill for empathy to hear a real apology that recognized my pain, appreciation for sticking it out and believing no mater the difficulty, an alnowledgent that I didn’t deserve it.

I just wanna sit and talk without him screaming at me.

I am trying to fix this marriage.

If he is screaming, sit and take it. Take all of his anger and let him get it out. He is in the most pain in his life and you did that.... own it.

Stop trying to fix the marriage.... you cannot... will never be able to fix the marriage. You work on yourself, learning new ways to be 100% completely honest, be honest about your thoughts and everything.

You broke the marriage and need to know you cannot fix it. You can only fix yourself.

I wanted my WW to really dig into herself and learn about herself and why she made the choices she made and why she felt like she needed attention. She went to IC but she did not like it and kept going thinking that she was doing to please me and to not fail. but by not being honest about the process she kept going and ended up hating it and now avoids IC.

If she would have been honest about the process she could have switched therapist and maybe done some real work.

My advice is to stop trying to control the outcome and do the work on yourself. There are some very insightful people here on this forum and a lot of Waywards here that have done work and can provide some guidance. Post here and listen to the wise ones and ignore the people that spew hate.

I never was implying more or better after 4months. I want to understand how he is feeling, Yes i am remorseful for what i have done and it shows in my daily actions to him.

On the 17th march you wrote this in a thread written by an OW as to whether to tell a BS about the PA she had had with the husband.

‘Personally, I feel iI it is not your place to do so. He has not even made an informal decision to want to be with her or not.’

(Gently) This is not the words of a remorseful spouse who gets the pain and destruction of infidelity for a BS and who understands the need for full disclosure and honesty. And that it wasn’t HIS decision to make over whether he ‘wanted’ his wife. Quite the opposite.

That was less than two weeks ago. I do not believe in that time a CS can find remorse.

I think you are trying desperately to hold onto a highly toxic relationship with a very angry man who has according to you assaulted you and the children and was in jail for an assault on your baby. You are not in remorse stage you are in fight or flight stage. You are in damage control stage but I recognise your are making efforts.

Put your children first. This is a toxic situation. Work on healing yourself for them. You cannot save your marriage alone. But you can support your children’s mental and emotional health and work on yourself.

ETA being remorseful alone doesn’t save a toxic marriage where there are countless other issues not being addressed and he’s refusing to support counselling for either you, himself or both.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:20 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

I would echo and amplify what Dragonfly said. I have followed your various threads. In my impression, you aren't remorseful; you are terrified. You're searching here for method acting coaching on "how to play the part of a remorseful spouse" so your asshole of a husband won't beat you up (or beat up the kids).

I think you need to get out of the relationship.

Focus on fixing you.

When you fix you, you will begin to become less selfish, entitled, self-absorbed, and resentful. All the things about your character that gave you the go ahead to cheat. You will stop focusing on the marriage as an issue. Because it is too soon to go there! You will began to become empathetic and then you can began to understand the depths of his pain. Honestly, being in his shoes somewhat probably feels close to how you felt when you decided to cheat to alleviate what ever was hurting you. Though for him it is whatever times worse, because you did this to him. It took my wife well over a year and half to get out of the early stages. Around months 6-8 she was really angry. Then came the lethal Plain of Flatness till close to the 2 year mark. She disconnected from me, and that was 10X worse than any yelling or constant questions and crying.

I agree, you constantly post about what to do for him so he isn't angry because you are remorseful. That is not how you come across. I would take stock with BS that say you don't sound remorseful. If they don't think you are, chances are neither does your BS. Trust us when we say the BS see through everything. You come across as regretful to me. You want to just get on with it already. You will not cheat again. You have learned your lesson. You want to focus on the marriage. His anger is keeping your two from moving forward. You want to focus on the marriage issues and your resentment for the past. You really sound like your just trying to avoid the fights and his anger. It just doesn't work that way. Nothing out of ordinary or unusual for a new wayward. We all do that or did that. Again, just an observation from someone that has been there done that and been here to see enough patterns. Focus on this-

One of the best things you can do is start developing some tools for dealing with difficult feelings

You can't do this (hence why you chose to cheat) and this is a good place to start.

I don't mean to be blunt. I'm just very concerned about your H's history of violence.

Have you addressed the question of why you want to fix an abusive relationship?

You cannot stop your H's abuse. He has to want to stop it himself, and he has to be willing to do the work.

Cheating is extremely dangerous when the BS is physically abusive. Staying with a physically abusive partner is extremely dangerous.

What do you need to change inside yourself to stop poking the tiger? What do you need to change in yourself to be safe?

Once you have that part of your life under control, you can address the question, 'What do I need to change inside myself son that I stop betraying and start being a good partner?'

If I misunderstand your words about your H, I apologize.

Four months ? Well let's see....I was feeling sadness, grief, disbelief , anxiety , pain , fear , uncertainty , anger , denial, love , disappointment , agony , depression . I felt like my entire life for the last decade or so was a lie.

I was mourning the loss of a marriage I thought I had. I had insecurities about my future , sometimes suicidal ..often times drank to try to numb out and not feel all the above.

Some things have improved , but I feel all of the feelings I listed above still from time to time.

I used to look forward to our future together , but now it's hard for me to be that enthusiastic.

This betrayal is by far the most excrutiatingly painful experience of my life

At four months, pretty much every conversation we had about the A ended up in uncontrollable rage.

He's processing the hurt. He needs to get it out.

I want to understand how he is feeling,

You can get a lot of opinions from strangers, but if you really want to understand how he is feeling, you need to ask him. And how you go about doing that is something you may need to work on. Communication is key to breaking down the walls built up before and during affairs, and also key to rebuilding a healthy relationship.

There are no easy answers, nor any one-size-fits-all courses of action. Each of us processes trauma and betrayal in our unique way. While I lashed out at my H and expected him to take every verbal blow I sent his way (which he did because he wanted to make this marriage work harder than I did at the time), I know others here who reacted very different. And their WS acted differently than mine. The only way to really know what your H is feeling is to hear it directly from him.

PAmom45:

Do you have and have you started to memorize this:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful Linda McDonald

Not intended to be snarky or offensive:

He wants to forget it and has a hard time when he gets angry.

You have created an event in the history of your marriage and your life.

You BS will never forget. If he makes peace with his inner self, he will learn to live with the memory and images. You are no longer the person he thought he married. He will learn to function and well if he is healthy. But there will be times, triggers, that bring up the memory of your choice

How long will your action be front and center in his mind? Months to years. Not every moment but when the mind doesn't have to focus on the immediate task at hand, something in the brain goes to that item in memory. It's been 30 years for me. The above is how my memory works.

More than anything he needs to know every way possible you know and now abhor your choice and you most emphatically love him.