SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you told him the whole truth about the A? Nothing kills R faster than covered up lies found out later.

I don't remember 4 months, but I can tell you now that I am about 10-11 months later we've both agreed to tried to make it work. She's done everything I've asked and I still greatly doubt her true love for me, if what she is telling me is true and it's still very hard each day. Hundreds of things trigger me each day and despite building up quite the stamina in ignoring them I can still easily go down the well where it feels like it just happened. Granted, we haven't been able to do much work on us or dealing with the A due to family health issues and the eventually loss of her FIL over the past 3-4 months, but I can tell you that time has not made it easier to deal with internally.

I felt very much as I did on Dday, except anger was more prominent. On Dday, I felt as though my life had ended—and really, it had. But the injury left me numb for quite some time.

At 4 months, I was still shell-shocked, and going through the motions of everyday life felt surreal—like, this was my life?! There was a perpetual sense of unreality.

Grief was OVERWHELMING —and part of that grief was anger unlike any I’d ever experienced. I learned we don’t go through those stages of grief methodically and in an orderly fashion. It’s messy and all of them can happen at once, or over and over again.

It took me a good 18 months to start feeling even remotely like this new version of myself—and that was with a lot of therapy. NOT MC—I didn’t trust my WS enough at that point for MC, and think it would have been damaging. It wasn’t time to heal the marriage, but rather to heal myself.

I am 4 months into this my new world as a BS, it's still a lot of emotional roller coaster, disrupted sleep pattern and the truth be told, I am an emotional wreck. I never saw it coming. I mourn the marriage I once had (20yrs), sometimes, I feel there's nothing to live for. But I love my kids so much, part of the reasons I am in R. I wish it never happened, I wish I could go back in time and undo the past, but it' impossible. I just live one day at a time and sometimes I wish death would come of it's own without me playing a role in it.

4 seconds after: "Wait- WHAT?"

4 minutes after: Gut punched. Stunned.

4 hours after: "You're kidding me, right? No, really, this is a joke, right?"

4 days after: *blur*

4 weeks after: "WTF, Dude. NO, 'I never did it again!' doesn't make it like it never even happened. Now I'm questioning *everything* you've done, before or since. I'm questioning what you are trying to do right this minute. I'm questioning *you.*"

4 months after: *BAT FUCKING SHIT CRAZY* (for me) (I'm typically of stable temperament. The roller coaster? SUCKS AND SO NOT ME.)

6 months after: *bat shit crazy*

8 months after: Finally reached some acceptance. Husband hopes for a return to The Land of Sunshine and Butterfly Sprinkle Rainbow Farts. I'm much closer to The Plain of Lethal Flatness.

Now: *ongoing* Can't say I'm filled with joy, but I'm not fighting a minute by minute impulse to pack a bag and leave. Firmly in the middle of The Plain of Lethal Flatness. Don't anticipate sunshine or sprinkly rainbow butterfly farts in the near future.

Of course, if I'm not BAT FUCKING SHIT CRAZY or even bat shit crazy, it probably feels like sunshine and sprinkly rainbow butterfly farts for Husband. Good on him. Enjoy that, Husband!