Me: WS (60)Him: Shards (55)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11
We’re going to make it.
What to do when your BS is questioning everything.
Hi you all,
This is a repost (with permission) of a response by Chaos to a member who was wondering what to do now that their BS was questioning their entire relationship, whether the WS actually ever loved them, whether they were always disposable, etc. The WS's question was "how do you convince your BS of something you can't prove?"
I think Chaos's advice is so good that I didn't want to let it slip down the forum list and disappear, so here it is in a form that can be bumped up when needed. Thank you Chaos!
I struggle with the same. And there is not one thing that my WH could say or do to change that unless it involved a time machine.
But...what you CAN do is focus on what you can prove. And that takes consistency. Proven behavior over time.
You can also show empathy, patience, understanding and love. You can answer all of his questions. Over and over and over and over. With patience. And understanding.
You can be open, honest and transparent.
You can act like his grace is the greatest gift bestowed upon you.
You can dig deep into your whys. Not the surface whys. But the ones that reside in that deep dark place you don't want to delve into.
You can go to IC and not act like you resent it. While confidential, you can share any profound revelation with him.
You can share with him any insights or revelations you have. Sometimes sharing something simple like how much you enjoy sitting around a firepit sipping cider on a chilly evening with him.
You can learn what he needs and when. When to give the hug if you notice him having a rough patch vs when to give him space.
You can bite your tongue. The snide remarks that may slip out are barbs he needs to expel. Eventually he will only think them. And even those thoughts diminish. When one slips, you can look him in the eye and say "I'm sorry" and sincerely repeat often.
You can try to put yourself in his shoes. Ask yourself [and be honest] if roles were reversed - what would you be doing?
24 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2019